


Little Bird

by DaisySouthmoore



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Action & Romance, Angry Sex, Choking, Daddy Kink, Deepthroating, Dirty Talk, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Foreplay, Hardcore, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Outdoor Sex, Possessive Negan (Walking Dead), Possessive Sex, Punishment, Romance, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Sexy, Sexy Negan (Walking Dead), Smut, Spanking, Sweet Negan (Walking Dead), Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:27:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 96,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaisySouthmoore/pseuds/DaisySouthmoore
Summary: Negan was like a very tall, dark, shot of whiskey. Deeply intoxicating and yet too harsh for me to swallow. -But I did because he told me to.





	1. Introduction

Long before unfair trade and cruel unjust punishments, the Sanctuary was a fairly peaceful place. It was indeed the safe haven it claimed to be. Of course, it was no storybook existence, but it was as comfortable as one could get in a world where the dead outnumbered the living, and the few still living were no longer swayed by face value. Now, you had to fight exist. Now, you had to prove your worth, and there were seldom who excelled quite like Negan.

The rise of Negan was still fairly new, but it was rapidly ascending. Never mind that he and his entourage had bludgeoned us into cooperation. He was the one who’d brought us to the Sanctuary after all. Having once been an industrial factory, it wasn’t aesthetically pleasing, but it was self-powered by massive generators which allowed us the use of electricity and hot water.

While I personally, had never met Negan, I often heard his name in passing and had seen him in passing from a safe distance. Scary as his presence was, no one could deny the fact that if ever there were a question, Negan always seemed to be the answer. In the face of all the Sanctuary’s adversities, he was standing on the front lines. He very quickly gained the community’s respect.

Me being a part of the community never bothered to question it. I was simply living safely by the point system created to maintain order and upkeep of the Sanctuary. I should have been happy, but I missed the art of survival. There was something freeing about being on the run. Surviving on my own before now had made me feral some how. Like some primitive part of me had been awakened. 

When I would see the lieutenants and Saviors coming and going from supply runs, I often envied them, but Negan only allowed those he trusted most to join him in combat or outings. Starting as a medicinal vendor, I lived vicariously through their stories they often told me when they brought me supplies. There, I also became friends with the Sanctuary’s medic turned physician, Dr. Bran. He was an older, quiet man with a quiet demeanor and a frequent ‘shopper’ when his own supplies got low. He eventually took such a liking to me, that one day he offered to take me under his wing as student and assistant nurse. I gladly accepted the change in pace. 

Most patients were typical, but occasionally there were the injuries inflicted on combative or difficult outings. Those were my favorite. Anything to liven a monotonous day. For that reason, Dr. Bran always said I would have been destined for the ER if it weren’t for the obvious circumstances.

-But this all changed the day I finally met, Negan. The man that would all at once, bring me back to life, set my blood on fire, and ultimately be the death of me.


	2. Meeting Negan

Wake up.  
Skip breakfast.  
Drink coffee.  
Brush my teeth.  
Tie my hair.  
Run.  
Run and pretend the world hadn’t ended. Every morning was the same, and this day was seemingly no different. 

It was early spring and the skies were clear, allowing the sun to temperate the otherwise chilly breeze. Birds seemed to praise the day, singing loudly from the tree tops. Unfortunately, the spring’s warmth had thawed the walkers that surrounded the Sanctuary, and they growled and hissed each other out of hibernation. I hated the sound of them, but they’d been purposefully placed there as a warning to any trespassers who happened upon our location.

As my stride quickened, the wind whooshing past my ears drowned the sounds of the walkers out. Soon, all I could feel was my quick and steady heart rate, the feeling of gravel crunching beneath my feet, and the sweat that gathered on my face and chest. It was a small taste of freedom.

The land surrounding the Sanctuary was a heavily wooded area, and my route was just along the tree line. It was as scenic as I could manage given our grounds restrictions. Once you were allowed access to the Sanctuary, there was no turning back. We’d been told it was necessary to the maintain the secrecy of our location and strays would be captured and punished accordingly. I often wondered what might happen though, if I just bolted for the cover of the trees. I wondered if the Saviors on watch would even notice and if they’d really follow through with their threats. Something told me it was best not to test it.

After my run, I headed back to the infirmary. It had its own personal bathroom, complete with a small shower, so I often took advantage to avoid the public showers. When I entered, Dr. Bran was sitting at his desk, reading some book depicting graphs and anatomy.

“Looks like a real page turner.” I winked.  
“Didn’t I give you the morning off?” He asked.  
“I guess I just missed you.” I said, stepping into the bathroom.  
“You don’t miss me, you miss my shower.” I heard him chuckle through the door.  
“You caught me!” I joked as I turned on the water and stepped inside, taking my time scrubbing and rinsing off.

Afterward, I wiped away the small foggy mirror hung above an old rusty sink, where I leaned to inspect my freckled olive skin, now tinted with a bronzy glow from the morning sun. My mother had blessed me with a good complexion and full lips, but I’d been cursed with my father’s large, oppressively green eyes. 

All my life people had complimented them, and by all accounts they were striking, but to me, they were the one piece of my father that I could not erase. A constant reminder of the look of horror and regret he’d finally acknowledged too late when I’d fed him to the walkers. I turned away from my reflection in contempt, knowing he was gone and working on forgotten. 

The winter’s lingering winds had left me feeling dry, so I took a moment to moisturize my thirsty skin. As I ran my hands over my right hip, I studied a tattoo I’d gotten there. Large roses strung with pendant necklace chains, that hung down and ended mid thigh. My hands continued up just beneath my breasts where I moisturized another tattoo. A bird with its wings outstretched, it’s feathers melding with more roses and pendant chains to match. I’d intended to have them colored in before the world died, but now I’d grown fond of the lack of color.

Once I was finished, I slipped on a warm, chunky sweater and an old pair of blue jeans. They were a bit shredded and faded, definitely not in the best shape, but they were comfortable. After slipping on a pair of well-worn boots, I ran my fingers through my damp, dark hair. I left it down and over my shoulder to air dry and stepped out of the bathroom with a heavy sigh. I felt all too normal again.

“Something wrong?” Dr. Bran asked, still buried in his books.  
“No, just bored.” I stretched my arms over my head.  
“You can file patient information if you’d like.” He offered.  
“Gee, the only way to make a dull day duller.” I raised my brows. He laughed softly before lifting his glasses and rubbing his chin as continued reading.

With his glasses resting on top of his thinning gray hair, I got a better look at his wrinkled face. In that moment, I could almost picture what he might have looked like as a young enthusiastic medic, studying for a degree in medicine. He was well kept and good looking enough for a man in his late seventies, he must have been handsome in his youth.

“Dr. Bran, were you ever married?” I asked. 

He wasn’t surprised by my sudden curiosity. By now, he was quite used to my busy mind and its seemingly endless questions. As he looked up at a distant memory, his blue eyes dulled slightly, before he grimaced.

“Once. Yes. -But it ended soon after, thank god.” He answered casually before scribbling something down in his book.  
“What a lovely story.” I laughed. Then suddenly we heard an uproar in the hall way.  
“It seems you might not have the morning off after all.” He stood calmly, closing his books and replacing the pen in his coat’s front pocket.

Meanwhile, in a far less composed manner, I threw my hair into a damp, messy ponytail before the commotion came bursting through the infirmary door, carrying with it an injured Savior. He was groaning in pain as two others laid him on the examination table. Blood was spilling down his pant leg and onto his mud caked boots.

Then suddenly the room shifted, and I felt a powerful presence that demanded attention. I looked up to see the Saviors had stepped aside, parting the way. Negan entered balefully, towering over the room with his bat perched loyally on his shoulder. There was something about the way he moved, like a predator rising from the depths. It made the hairs on my neck stand up.

“What happened to you?” Dr. Bran asked calmly, his voice grabbing my attention once more. I remembered how he’d told me a patient can only be as calm as you are, so I gathered my nerves.  
“I fell over a bridge and caught my leg on a metal rod I think. Those fuckers nearly ate me first though.” The Savior grunted as Dr. Bran cut away his pant leg.  
“What’s your name?” I asked.  
“Jason.” He said.  
“Okay, Jason, just take it easy and we’ll have you patched up in no time.” I said. Jason hissed as Dr. Bran peeled his pant leg away, revealing a rather deep laceration riddled with debris.  
“Oh Jesus…” I joked and made a face as I slipped on a pair of latex gloves.  
“You’re not helping. -Gah, that stings!” Jason growled as I began cleaning the wound.  
“Please, I’ve gotten worse paper cuts.” I teased, pressing down a wad of gauze, making him growl in protest.

In that moment, I felt heavy eyes on me. When I glanced up, Negan appeared amused as he watched me intently. His dark cognac eyes were intimidating and they gripped me somewhere deep inside, compelling me to break our stare. When I looked up once more, he was still fixed on me, and my body naturally cowered behind Dr Bran. Suddenly Jason shouted out in pain, startling me and I jumped. Negan simply chuckled as he perused Dr. Bran’s lollypop selection.

“Well, it appears you’ve fractured your leg, and this laceration is going to need a few stitches.” Dr. Bran said. 

Without prompting, I grabbed the nearest suture kit and handed it to him, watching closely as he prepared a syringe of lidocaine to numb the area first. I found myself distracted once more though when Negan spoke. His voice was deep and rumbling.

“What the fuck are you guys doing crowding up the fuckin’ place? There’s still work to do outside.” He said, turning to the other Saviors, who immediately marched out of the infirmary without question. “Doc, when you’re finished there, I’m in need of a couple stitches myself today.” He sighed, removing his black leather jacket. 

I should have been more focused on the source of blood, but my eyes trailed off his broad chest and down his tattooed arms. As he set his things aside, I stole a better look at his face, and he was rather easy to look at when he wasn’t peering into the depths of you. His fine wrinkles were handsome amongst his dark, chiseled features and graying beard. He was one of those men that time seemed to perfect, rather than age.

“Why don’t you take care of our friend Negan over there. I can handle this.” When I realized Dr. Bran was speaking to me, I became rigid and apprehensive.  
“-Wait, me?” I hesitated.  
“You’ve been wanting to practice your hand at sutures, haven’t you?” He asked turning to me, looking over his glasses. I nodded. “No better time than the present.” He said returning to his work. 

My instinct was to retreat, but I couldn’t disappoint. Dr. Bran had been training me after all, and this very moment was a test of my skills. I just wished my subject wasn’t so eminent and nerve-racking, but I forced my feet into motion and kept my arms crossed over my chest to steady my nervous heart. I felt Negan’s stare again as I crossed the room to obtain another suture kit, so I kept my eyes forward. The spare suture kits were stored on the top shelf of an already high cabinet, and I was shorter than average. I damned myself for thinking that was a good spot for them. With a heavy sigh, I pulled up a chair and stood on it to reach, but when I heard a very deep chuckle beside me, I nearly startled off my feet.

“Need some help there, 'little bit'?” Negan asked, grabbing the kit and extending a large hand to help me down from the chair. As mortified as I was, I took it.  
“Thank you.” I said meekly, taking the kit from him. As our fingers grazed for a brief moment, I felt a sort of rush run through me. I watched as he eased back on the second examination table, crossing his long legs. Even while sitting, I wasn’t quite at eye level with him.  
“Take off your shirt, please?” I hated myself for blushing.  
“Oooh straight to the point! I like this one, Doc!” Negan laughed as he removed his white cotton shirt and tossed it aside.  
“You won’t like me in a minute.” I raised my brow, keeping my focus strictly on his injury, but it was difficult not to notice the hard lines of his chest. As I began cleaning the wound, I could feel his eyes burning into me relentlessly.  
“What do you think, little Doc?” He asked.  
“Well, I’m no doctor… but you could use a couple of stitches. I’m afraid we’re out of lidocaine after our fragile patient over there.” I teased Jason again, and he simply flipped me off.  
“Fuck the lidocaine, baby. Just fuck me up!” Negan leaned back on his hands.  
“You want a count down at least?” I asked, unraveling the hooked needle.  
“I think you’re more scared than I am.” He said as he unwrapped his lolly pop and placed in his mouth.

He was right, I was terrified. I held my breath before piercing the needle through his skin. It felt springy and elastic as I tugged away with shaking hands, pulling the string slowly through his flesh. I glanced up to gauge his pain, and he seemed entirely unfazed, bouncing his heavy brows playfully as he rolled the lollypop in his mouth with two long fingers. He smiled widely, creating indentations in his cheeks that peeked from beneath his beard. - _Oh god, he had dimples_. Looking back down at my work, I felt a prickling in my ears and I knew I was blushing like a fool. It felt like an eternity before I was done.

“That should do it.” I said softly, finishing the final stitch and tying the loose ends.  
“What? No kiss to make it better?” Negan said, and I realized our faces were dangerously close. I blushed brighter still as I backed away and he laughed as he stood to put on his shirt. “IIIII’m fuckin’ with you.” He said before turning to Jason.  
“Jason! Good work today. -Except for the whole broken leg situation. Keep off it as long as old man Bran tells you to.” He said, throwing his jacket over his shoulder and sauntering out of the room, twirling his bat as he went. It wasn’t until I could no longer hear his boots that I felt I could breathe again.

Dr. Bran let me go for the day, praising me for my good work. I was grateful, but I left feeling as though I’d failed myself. Why had I been so anxious and timid? I was normally outgoing, sometimes to a fault, but there was something about Negan that put me on edge. My whole life I’d been faced with bossy, pompous men, even before the fall of men. What was it about him that was so different? Surely it wasn’t just his good looks that weakened me.

At that moment I decided, if I ever crossed paths with him again, I’d make it a point to stand tall and be my fully confident and resilient self. I may have been just a ‘little bit’, but he would think I was ten feet tall. -At least that’s what I would have liked to think.


	3. Raggedy Andy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING:** There is a scene of _attempted_ rape in the following chapter.

A week later, I was sitting at the Sanctuary’s threshold stairs, cupping my instant coffee over an old crossword puzzle book I’d purchased from one of the vendors. Mornings were still a bit chilly, but bathing under the early sun in my favorite sweater, it was warm enough. As I savored the scent of fresh dewy pine from the woods around us, I slowly sipped my coffee, scanning the grounds idly.

Then I spotted Negan in the distance, looking long and lean, his inky hair slicked back, with a red scarf tucked into his leather jacket. I watched him discussing and coordinating the day’s events with his Saviors and wondered what they were plotting. What kind of danger they got to live and relish in beyond these four walls. I envied them.

I hadn't noticed I was blatantly staring until Negan glanced up, locking eyes with me. Though I felt the urge to break away, I refused to let him intimidate me again. So I watched as he dismissed himself and approached me. His gate was fluid with confidence and leisure, and there was something about his smile that looked like he was plotting something. Like he was always up to no good.

“Well, well, well… Just what the doctor ordered.” He said, stopping at the base of the stairs.  
“How’s your stitches, Raggedy Andy?” I asked, looking down at my puzzle for fear of losing my gall.  
“-The fuck did you just call me?” He scoffed and furrowed his brows.  
“You know, Raggedy Andy? I believe that’s more fitting for your generation than mine.” I teased and he seemed surprised for a brief moment before he smirked.  
“Okay… _kid_.” He emphasized the word. “You’ve got jokes.” He said leaning on his bat.  
“I’ve got lots.” My tone bordered on flirting.  
“You’re a little more feisty than you led me to believe.” He said, now climbing the steps toward me, and I had to resist fidgeting.  
“Well, I try to keep my interactions professional in the infirmary. It’s latex gloves off now though, right?” I joked and he raised his brows.  
“Little girl, I don’t think you know who you’re fuckin’ with.” He bit his lip and grinned, revealing his dimples and perfect teeth. I had to look away again, finding safety in my puzzle once more.  
“Hmm, this seems appropriate… What’s a seven letter word for problem…? -Starts with a T…” I thought out loud as I tapped my chin.  
“Trouble.” Negan laughed as he made his way inside the Sanctuary, and as he passed, I couldn't help but notice I was beaming as I filled in the answer.

***

That night I laid restless in bed, going over and over Negan and I’s playful banter. Though it was brief, it was invigorating. He had been surprised by my sudden switch in tone, and even rather pleased by it. I would even dare to say he liked me.

Then I wondered, if we carried on this way, maybe we could form a sort of friendship. Maybe I could eventually become one of the Saviors. I was smart enough and tough enough, much stronger than I appeared. I was just as capable as any of them, I just had to prove it. Maybe it was a bit of a stretch, but as I planned it out in my head, the thought eventually lulled me to sleep.

***

For the next few days, I woke with a plan in mind and a bit of a pep in my step. I figured the best way to get to Negan was to start with his Saviors. They seemed to like me well enough already, and the closer we became, the better my chances were. If I could gain their respect, maybe Negan’s wouldn’t be too far behind.

It started simply enough, with witty retorts and friendly exchanges. I got to know the injured Savior Jason better, checking on him and tending to his needs whenever I could. His leg seemed to be healing up nicely.

Through him, I’d met several other Saviors, and I eased myself into their good graces as well. Of course, being a young and attractive female gave me an advantage. I used this in my favor, but also didn’t allow it to relegate my intellect or wit. They knew I had a brain and sharp tongue, and I was every bit of capable of holding my ground. In the end of a few weeks time, I was invited to join them in the Sanctuary’s basement bar. A place I hadn’t even known existed, but knew was a major breakthrough.

As my attendance at the Sanctuary’s bar became more and more frequent, I had to up my hours in the infirmary, which was harder to do on less and less sleep. Dr. Bran seemed to notice my exhaustion, but when he approached me I’d brush it off blaming it on illness or womanly issues. I’m sure he knew I was lying, but he wasn’t one to prod.

I should have been honest, but Dr. Bran was something like a father to me, and I knew he would be worried or even disappointed in my comings and goings. Not to mention I’d have to explain to him that I was ultimately planning on leaving the infirmary, something neither of us needed to address until I was sure.

One evening, after a well-needed nap and shower, I headed to the basement bar for the third time that week. I hurried downstairs to the lowest levels of the Sanctuary and there, I was greeted by several Saviors who stood as doormen, refusing access to un-welcomed patrons. The bar was considered exclusive and secret, and only the Saviors could give you access. I had become a regular.

Inside, the bar was already filled with thick cigarette smoke and old bluesy music that was hard to hear over the rowdy crowd. It wasn’t unusual for me to be ogled by drunken eyes, so I kept my gaze straight ahead and took my usual seat. The bar itself was made of old wood pallets that had been decently buffed and shined. It wasn’t a bad set up considering the limited resources.

I was greeted with my usual beer and David, a Savior who was deemed a hand to hand expert having been a defense trainer in his past life. I assumed he was in his thirties. He was tall, maintained a neat five o clock shadow, and kept his blonde hair ruffled back and away from his glossy blue eyes. I favored dark haired men, but given his Clint Eastwood glare, he was a very fine exception.

“Two of your best.” He motioned to the bar tender, a plump older man with a permanent scowl, who handed us two pint glasses. I took a sip and nodded in approval, but to me it all tasted the same. Made in a bathtub somewhere.  
“Been seeing you around here a lot lately.” David said.  
“Am I a regular yet?” I asked.  
“No, we’re regulars. You’re a sight for sore eyes.” He smiled.  
“Wow…” I took a drink to stifle my laughter at his poor attempt.  
“Yeah, it sounded a lot cooler in my head.” He chuckled.  
“No, no, it was very clever.” I lied.  
“So what the hell are you doing here?” He asked.  
“Drinking?” I shrugged.  
“No, I mean, what are you really doing here? You’ve got no business in a place like this. You could get yourself into trouble.” He said.  
“My business is what I make it, and trouble is exactly what I want.” I said firmly.  
“Oh, well if it’s what you want…” He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. I laughed and shoved away playfully. I had to admit he was tempting, but I had a reputation to uphold if I wanted to be taken seriously.  
“Not that kind of trouble. I’m trying to work my way up the ladder.” I said.  
“What ladder?” He asked.  
“To being a Savior.” I admitted. David took a long sip of his beer.  
“Now why the hell would you want that?” He asked, squinting his eyes.  
“Why do you?” I countered.  
“Well, the way I figure, I didn’t survive the apocalypse just to work another nine to five in some old factory.” He said, knowing he'd answered his question for me.  
“Well said. So then, how do I become one of you?” I asked, taking a cigarette from his pack.  
“You don’t. We need all the help we can get in the infirmary, and Dr. Bran isn’t gonna live forever. Trust me, Negan will tell you the same thing. You’re wasting your time.” He said, and his point was valid, but it irritated me.  
“What if I don’t want to work in the infirmary? I should have a choice in the matter.” I said angrily.  
“When it comes to Negan, you don’t really have a choice. Maybe another reason you ought to just walk away.” He said.  
“We’ll see about that.” I chugged the rest of my beer and shoved away from the bar, not wanting to hear another word.

I refused to accept ‘no’ for an answer, not even from Negan himself, and certainly not from one of his minions. As I stormed off toward the exit, I noticed I was a little light headed. I hadn’t eaten much that day, and it seemed the booze were kicking in more than I expected.

When I climbed the stairs to ground level, I headed out the nearest outdoor exit. I needed fresh air, and ironically, the cigarette I’d stolen from David. When I burst outside, I startled someone. A middle aged man, sort of grimy and stout. He was flushed red and swaying drunkenly, with a cigarette in his hand that he’d forgotten to ash.

“Got a light?” I asked rather irritably.  
“I do if you ask me nicely.” He slurred and chortled gruffly.  
“Forget it, I’ll ask someone else.” I rolled my eyes and turned to leave.  
“Now, come on. I'm just teasin' you.” He laughed as he gripped my arm to pull me back. I began to protest, but he struck a lighter and offered it to me, cupping the flame from the breeze with a dirty hand. I scowled up at him as I leaned in to light my cigarette, and he watched me as intently as one could in his state.  
"I'm Andy." He introduced himself.  
"Thanks, Andy." I said shortly, in no mood for small talk.  
“You’re a pretty girl.” He said.  
“Thanks.” I scoffed and turned away.  
“What’s got you all fired up?” He asked, gripping my arm again.  
“You among other things. Stop grabbing my fucking arm.” I yanked away.  
“Now, don’t be like that. I’m just trying to talk to you sweet heart.” He wrapped his arm firmly around my waist and pulled me in again.  
“Get off me!” I shouted, digging my lit cigarette into his arm and he hollered out in pain but didn’t release me.  
“You little bitch! Come here!” He growled, slapping me across the face before pinning me against the wall.

His coarse, calloused hand reached into my sweater, and he wrenched at my breasts. I felt a wave of panic rush through me and began screaming out for help, but I knew no one could hear me through the heavy doors of the Sanctuary. With all of my might I kicked and clawed to get away, but with such a heavy weight and tight grip, he was able to tear away my sweater, exposing my breasts entirely.

“You’re a pretty little bitch! Look at you!” He laughed,

His hand reached into the front of my jeans, groping me. I felt like I was drowning, suffocating on the sour stench of his breath. I felt the beers from before rising in my throat and I gagged.

“Please! No! Get off of me!!” I cried out, getting a hand free and using my palm to thrust up and into his nose.

He shouted in pain, gripping his face as blood poured from his nostrils. He stumbled back, so I sprinted for the door, but it opened suddenly, knocking me off my feet and onto the hard cement. The now bloodied man pinned me down again and lifted his fist to strike me, but he stopped suddenly, screaming out. I looked up through teary eyes to find David twisting the man’s arm behind his back.

“David!” I cried out desperately.  
“Get inside and call for help!” He shouted, smashing the drunk into the wall and holding him there.

I stumbled inside, clutching my arms to my bare chest and found two door men, who immediately ran to assist. A moment later, David came to me, offering his jacket. He kindly looked away as he helped me into it. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I wrapped myself tightly in his body heat that lingered inside it. That small amount of comfort suddenly brought tears to my eyes, and I began to shiver and sob.

“Here. Come here.” David wrapped his arms around me gently, but I couldn’t stop shaking. “Let’s get you somewhere safe.” He said, leading me away.

I looked down at my feet as he rushed me down the hall, the fast motion was making me nauseous. As we turned the corner, I could still hear the drunken man bellowing out insults while the Saviors restrained with him. I wanted to shout, but I was sure at any moment the beer would come spurting from my gut.

David didn’t stop until we reached the next floor up, and let me into an empty, minimally furnished room. I ran to a small sink where my stomach contracted and I regurgitated the evenings drinks so hard my ribs ached. When I was done, David helped me to a couch where I plopped down feeling exhausted and the shock began to subside. I had managed to stop sobbing, but now my head was pounding.

“I shouldn’t have let you leave like that.” He sighed, running the sink water to rinse away the smell of rancid booze.  
“I shouldn’t have gone out there in the first place.” I shook my head.  
“Don’t. It’s not your fault a grown man can’t control his goddamn impulses.” He said angrily.  
“I need a shirt.” I sniffled, pulling his denim jacket tighter around my bare torso.  
“Wait here. I’ll lock the door on my way out.” He said, leaving too quickly for me to object.

After he left, the room was too silent for me to relax, so I stood and began pacing. Though I tried to ignore them, the images of what had happened kept replaying in my mind. It made me sick to my stomach again, and furious that I couldn’t defend myself. How could I ever hope to become a Savior if I couldn’t protect myself from a drunken piece of shit like that?

Now that the adrenaline was leaving my body, I began to feel the aches and pains from the scuffling and fighting. My wrist was painful to move. I must have fallen on it at some point. So with my good hand, I secured the room’s chain lock before pulling away David’s jacket to examine my body.

Bruises were beginning to form on my arms, and there were several scratches across my torso. I noticed blood trickling down the tattooed roses on my hip where my bare skin had scraped the pavement. How would I explain all this to Dr. Bran?

I made my way to the room’s small kitchenette sink to begin tending to my wounds. My hand was a bit shaky as I ran a cup towel beneath the cool water of the faucet, and used it to wipe away the blood. The friction stung too much, and I hissed before patting lightly instead. A moment later there was a knocking at the door, and I nearly leapt from my tender skin.

“Hey, it’s me.” I heard David’s familiar voice and it calmed me.

Wrapping myself tightly in his jacket again, I cautiously opened the door. I left the chain lock intact, cracking it just a hair. When I peeked through, I was startled to find he wasn’t alone, but instead, had brought none other than Dr. Bran with him, and worse, Negan. I must have looked like a ghost, paling suddenly as the blood rushed from my face. I felt like a teenager caught sneaking out.

“Can we come in?” David asked.  
“Did you bring me a shirt?” I asked.  
“Yeah, I brought you a bottle of water too.” He said, handing me both through the narrow opening. I closed the door again, removed his Jacket, then quickly slipped into the t-shirt. It was several sizes too big, fitting more like a dress, but it was comfortable. I opened the door again, this time releasing the chain as well.  
“Done.” I said, turning away and taking a seat on the couch.

They entered the room slowly and carefully, like any sudden movements would shatter my delicate state. It made me even more tense and uncomfortable than I already felt. Dr. Bran looked worried sick as he pulled up a chair and took my hands in his. The warmth of the gesture was like that of a father, but his skin was cool, firm, and hygienic like a doctor’s. Both of which made me feel safer. Cleaner.

“Did he…?” Dr. Bran didn’t finish his question, but I knew what he was asking.  
“No.” I shook my head. Dr. Bran nodded and sighed with a bit of relief, before unpacking his first aid kit. “May I have a look?” He asked, and I nodded, biting the skin of my lips.

He started with my arms, patting the wounds gently with antiseptic and bandaging them neatly. He was softer and more meticulous than usual, taking his time and giving me the very best of his care. His kindness brought a tear to my eye, but I couldn’t cry in front of Negan, who stood still and silent like a shadow in the back of the room. 

“So this is what you’ve been up to…” Dr. Bran sighed.  
“Yeah, you caught me. -And it was totally worth it, as you can probably tell.” I said sarcastically, trying to appear tougher than I felt.  
“I won’t bore you with a lecture.” He said simply, but I could tell by his tone that he was disappointed.  
“Ouch!” I winced as he rotated my wrist.  
“You’ve sprained your wrist…” He noted softly and set it gently aside on the arm of the couch. “Are there any other injuries I should look at?” He asked.

I looked away shamefully as I lifted my shirt just below my chest to reveal the bleeding wounds, and my eyes began welling up again. I wiped them quickly, but the tears just kept coming, so I cupped my hand on my forehead to shield my eyes. As Dr. Bran examined and tended to my wounds, I could feel Negan’s eyes on me as well. For him to see me in this weakened state, was all too humiliating to bear.

“These appear to be superficial wounds. They should heal fairly quickly. Just keep them clean.” Dr. Bran said, smoothing on a large bandage before pulling my shirt back down. “Now, take these. They’ll help with the pain and perhaps aid in a little mental relief as well.”

He handed me two white pills, but I didn’t care to ask what they were. I popped them in my mouth and began crunching them between my teeth, hoping to quicken the effects.

“Do not chew them.” Dr. Bran said sternly and lifted a hand beneath my jaw to stop me.

I scowled and continued in defiance, chewing quickly before he could stop me again. The taste was bitter, so I washed it down with water, sloshing it between my teeth. Dr. Bran sighed in discontent as he began wrapping my wrist.

Then Negan stepped forward, towering above me before pulling up a chair and straddling it. He carefully set his bat aside, then rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his large hands together. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so I nervously picked at the label of the water bottle in my lap. There was a long silence before he spoke, his voice low and deep.

“Rest assured that son of a bitch is gonna get what’s coming to him, but just so I’m clear on this, would you mind telling me exactly what happened?” He asked.

I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t back down. With Negan sitting before me, watching me, I had to prove I had no fear. So I paused for a sip of water, but it did nothing to soothe my dry throat. As I relived the horror, I struggled to swallow back the lump growing in my throat, and it began to ache. My voice was shaking and though I’d managed to suppress the sobs, tears were silently streaming down my face.

As I croaked on, I glanced up, and the look on Negan’s face grew more and more menacing. I had almost gotten used to the spark of playful mischief behind his eyes, but now they were pitch black. I could tell by his heavy brow and the way he pursed his lips that he was furious. Just the sight of him was unsettling, and a sense of dread filled the room. When I finally finished, there was a long silence before Negan stood, snatched up his bat, and headed for the door.

“Sanctuary gathering will be held first thing in the morning. 8 AM.” He said, before sauntering out, leaving a lingering coldness in his wake.


	4. The Proposal Gift

The following morning, the entire community gathered in the furnace room. It was large and open enough for us to fit beneath the second level platform. Dr. Bran and I were led by the Saviors to the very front and center of the room, for an unimpeded view of Negan’s sentence. I wasn’t sure if the word had spread or not, but it felt like a stage and all eyes were on me. Aside from a scraped knee, my wounds were covered by my hoodie, but I was sure the night was still written all over my drained face. A moment later we heard the sound of struggling above us on the second level, and the room’s attention finally shifted.

There he was, the monster from last night. The man whose hands and breath haunted what little sleep I’d gotten. David and another Savior drug him roughly down the platform’s stairs and forced him down onto his knees before the crowd. He was battered, bruised, and shaken up as he stared fearfully at the cold cement floor before him. Now, in the light of day, he appeared so much weaker than my nightmares had depicted. I glared down at him in disgust.

David and the other Savior took their place in line with a few others, and they waited for command. Then suddenly, I felt it again. The hairs on my arms stood up, and the air of the room seemed to darken like heavy storm clouds were approaching. Looking over my shoulder, I realized the rest of the room seemed to feel it as well. Negan was close. 

Only a few moments later, you could hear his heavy boots against the aluminum platform, steadily approaching before he turned the corner looking tall and superior. He whistled a tune as he descended the steps slowly, and scanned the room with a casual expression. When he caught eyes with me, he winked, and despite my somber mood, I felt a tingle go through me.

“Good morning!” His voice was deep and booming as it echoed through the silent room. “Wow! This community is growing bigger and bigger every day isn’t it? Growth is good. Growth means we’re getting stronger. It means we are kickin’ ass am I right?… Yeah, unfortunately, growth also means more people, and more people means we need order. _Rules_. -Because if you don’t have rules, people start actin’ like they just don’t have any god damn sense, and then we have a fuckin’ problem.” He began slowly pacing before the battered man like a hungry lion. “So let’s cut right to the chase. Shall we? This sorry sack of shit you see here before you today is named, Andy.” Negan pointed his bat down at him and he recoiled. “Say ‘hi’ Andy.” He said, but Andy only shook. Negan stopped and looked down at him. “Don’t be fuckin’ rude, Andy. I said, say ‘ _hello_ ’!” He shoved him with his bat.

“H-h-h-hello…” Andy whimpered weakly.

“That’s better! See, things are so much easier when you fuckin’ listen, Andy. That’s alright though, you’re gonna learn that after today… because I’m gonna beat that shit right into your thick ass skull.” He squatted before him, looking him dead in the eye. Andy began to sob, making me scoff in contempt. Negan simply smiled menacingly before standing once more. “-But first I want to make sure everyone in this room is clear on the do’s and don’t’s, and the when, where, why’s, and all that shit because, I’m not doing this _just_ to be mean, I’m doing it to prove a fuckin’ point.” He began pacing again. “See, Andy here doesn’t care too much for me or my rules. So in an act of pure fuckin’ stupidity and defiance, he started stealing from our vendors. Which means he’s stealing from _you_ , and when he’s stealing from _you_ , that means he’s stealing from _fuckin’ me_ , and _That_. _Shit_. _Ain’t_. _Fuckin_ ’. _Cool_ …” He paused to give the community a good, long look. “-Not only that, but our friend Andy here likes to use those extra points in the Sanctuary’s ‘secret’ basement bar. Now look, I’m not here to spoil the party. I know about the bar. Of course I know about the fuckin’ bar, and it’s fine. Fuck it. In fact, I think it’s quite healthy for you all to take a night off every now and again. -But what I don’t condone is dumb, drunk pieces of shit doing dumb, drunk shit…” He stopped pacing and looked down at Andy again. “Well, I’m afraid our boy, Andy here did some real dumb, drunk shit. I guess he thought it wouldn’t get back to me that he violated one of our Sanctuary’s favorite girls. Now I won’t get into great detail, but let me assure you, he deserves every bit of what’s about to fuckin’ happen to him.” Negan paused, turning to me with a look as if to tell me to ready myself. “Alright fellas… Do your thing.” He motioned his hand.

The Saviors stepped out of line up, gathered around Andy, and together they began pummeling him so fiercely and suddenly that the room jumped, some having to look away. I watched every moment and savored it.

“Loyalty… honesty… respect… and in this case, and all others for that fuckin’ matter, _consent_!”

Negan shouted over the beating and Andy’s groaning, looking composed yet sinister. The room was now shivering as they watched the Saviors beat Andy nearly to death. I hadn’t so much as blinked. A long minute or so later, Negan raised a hand to stop the Saviors, and they did so immediately, before falling back in line.

“These are the things that keep our Sanctuary together. Now I’m gonna be honest, I enjoyed the fuck out of this. So, do _not_ give me a fuckin’ reason.” He stopped for a final look around the room that was now frozen and breathless.

“I believe I’ve made my point. Everyone’s dismissed. -Fellas!” He said turning to his Saviors.  
“Let Dr. Bran have a look, make sure he’s not dead, then drag that sack of shit back to his cell. -And you…” He turned to me. “Let’s go for a nice stroll, shall we?” He asked.  
“Shouldn’t I stay and help Dr. Bran?” I asked. It wasn’t that I wanted to help, but I wanted to look him in the eye. I wanted Andy to see my face and remember exactly what he’d done.  
“I’d think you’d want to keep far away from that son of a bitch.” Negan said.  
“He’s not much of a threat anymore.” I shrugged.  
“No, you’re right. _Now_ he sure as fuck isn’t. Are you Andy?” He turned to him laughing then sighed as he turned back to me once more. “Dr. Bran can handle it. Come on, I’d like to speak to you in private.” He said placing a hand on my shoulder and leading me away. It was a light touch, but the sensation bolted through me. I tensed, wrapping my arms around my chest as we walked. For some reason, my heart was racing.

“Where are we going?” I asked.  
“Somewhere quiet.” He said.

As we walked, Negan was silent, but you could still feel the power and intimidation radiating off him. You could see the way it made those passing by cower and practically bow in his presence. I felt odd and out of place, so small walking beside him. I was sure he could sense it, so I straightened my back and kept my eyes up and forward. I had to prove I was strong enough to march beside him.

Negan led us outside and away from the Sanctuary, and we carried on along my usual running route. I thought it was just a coincidence at first, but when he led us to the edge of the trees, I realized he’d brought me here knowingly. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. How long had he been watching me?

We slowed to a more leisurely pace and I took a deep breath of the crisp morning air. Soon, the familiar scent of pine and the chirping birds relaxed me enough to break the silence.

“You know, I thought about making a run for it. Bolting right through these trees.” I admitted as I stared into the lush forest.  
“Yeah? Why didn’t you?” He asked.  
“I thought better of it.” I said.  
“Smart girl.” He chuckled, swinging his bat idly at his side.  
“So why did you bring me here?” I asked.  
“Well, for one thing, I thought you could use the fresh air…” Then he paused and reached into his pocket to retrieve a single key. “That and I wanted to give you a little gift.” He said.  
“What’s this?” I asked as he placed it in my palm.  
“That is the key to Andy’s holding cell.” He pointed. As small as it was, it felt heavy in my hand.  
“Why?” I asked.  
“I’m giving you the power to choose whether he lives or dies.” He said.  
“Why?” I asked once more, feeling skeptical. I didn’t know Negan well, but I knew he wasn’t the type to give anything without some ulterior motive.  
“Well, fuck, by the way you were watching him get his ass beat, I’d think you’d be a little more appreciative.” He said.  
“That depends. What are the terms?” I asked and he laughed.  
“No terms. This shit is between you and him. I could give a fuck if he lives or dies.” He said, and I paused for a long moment.

I searched his eyes for something, anything to allude to whatever he was plotting, but his stare was far more penetrating than my own. Instead, I looked away toward the dismal Sanctuary. My own holding cell. Perhaps this was my chance to prove I had what it took to be a Savior. If nothing else, I could get the revenge I deserved.

“Take me there.” I said.

***

Negan led me all the way to the Sanctuary’s makeshift prison. A narrow hall, with what appeared to have once been storage closets. Our footsteps echoed through the long corridor, and I swore you could hear my heart beating in anticipation. We nearly reached the end of the hall before we came to a stop and stood before a large metal door. I stared down at my ‘gift’, still resting in my clammy palm.

“So…” Negan removed both his handgun and his hunting knife from their holsters and presented them to me. “Quick and easy, or slow and painful?” He offered, but my eyes were drawn to his bat. “Absolutely fucking not. No one touches the bat.” He said firmly, catching my gaze.  
“Fine. Then I’ll take both.” I said, snatching them. Negan raised his brows in surprise as he stood aside, readying himself for a show.

I stuffed the gun in the back of my jeans, the hard metal was cold against my sweating skin. With shaking hands, I reached to unlock the door and pushed it slowly. As it creaked open, my shadow cast itself from floor to ceiling, towering over Andy who sat gagged and strapped to a chair in the center of the dark void. He looked small and weak.

The sight of him brought back the images I’d been trying so desperately to forget. The rage I’d been suppressing came burning through my veins like fire. His eyes squinted as they adjusted from the pitch black, trying to figure out who I was. So I approached him confidently and stood tall as my shadow before him.

"Hello, Andy… Do you remember me?” I asked, my voice soft. He said nothing as he squeezed his swollen eyes shut, his breath quivering.  
"Look at me.” I said, but he kept his eyes closed tightly, facing away as he whimpered. How could some one so pathetic have held so much power over me? The thought angered me more.  
"Look at me!!” I shouted. He flinched before finally turning to me, caked with blood and wet with tears and sweat. He tried to speak through the handkerchief in his mouth, but his words were muffled. So I carefully untied it, feigning interest in anything he had to say.  
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” He said more clearly, now weeping like a child and I sighed.  
“No, you’re not.” I shook my head as I used the handkerchief to buff and shine the blade in my hand.  
“I am. Please… please believe me… I’m so sorry…” He carried on.  
“No, Andy. You’re not.” I tossed the cloth aside. “-But you will be.” I looked up at him finally and he cowered and cringed as I approached. It fueled my need for vengeance and made me feel powerful.

I began circling the chair, humming "Bad Moon On The Rise", a song that had been stuck in my head for days. As I came back around to face him, I placed the very tip of the knife on the top of his left hand, dimpling a vein beneath his skin. His breathing became labored as I twirled it.

“It was this hand, right? The one you used to reach down and grab my pussy?” I asked, running the blade down to the tip of his index finger, humming again.  
“Please… please!” He pleaded.  
“Your hands are filthy.” I said, then slipped the blade beneath his nail, pierced the cuticle, and peeled it away. He cried out, and I watched the shock and anguish in his eyes before moving on to the next, then the next until he pissed himself.  
“Stop! Please stop!!… Oh, Jesus Christ! God, please have mercy on me!” He prayed, looking up at the ceiling for salvation. I rolled my eyes.  
“Really, Andy? God? God’s not gonna save you. God has forsaken you. God has forsaken all of us.” I said, plunging the knife into the top of his hand so hard it pierced the arm of the chair. He began writhing and screaming, trying desperately to wiggle himself free.  
“You want out of the chair? Okay, fine.” I said, pulling out the handgun and shooting both of his knees. 

As Andy doubled over in pain, I shimmied the knife from his hand and used it to cut him free. He slid out of his seat, shaking all over as he dragged himself away from me, leaving a sluggish trail of blood and piss on the cold cement floors. I let him gain a few feet, securing the gun’s safety lock and tucking it back into my waistband. Then I easily caught up with him, kicked and rolled him over, and kneeled beside him. He tried reaching for me, but the weight of his arms had become too much it seemed as they flopped back to the ground.

“Are you sorry now, Andy?” I asked, staring down at him in disgust. 

He was trying to say something, but his words were inaudible. It didn’t matter, I didn’t care. Instead, I rested my chin in my hand and ran the blade of the knife gently up and down his cheek as I spoke my own final words.

“I’ve known men like you, Andy. You know, the kind that preaches the word of the Lord on Sundays after a night of drinking and screwing? -Well, in your case, raping. You know what happened to them, Andy? They died. So why should you get to live?” I asked and he groaned. 

I sat up and savored the sight of him one last time before I began thrusting the knife into him so hard my fist pounded into his chest. Blood spurt up and over my face and body, but I continued, losing count of my stabs. His flesh began to give, losing its spring as I ran out of new places to land. Eventually, his chest began to look like one large gaping hole, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t come down from the high. I felt liberated. I felt justice. I felt like God herself. So I continued stabbing relentlessly.

A slow clap echoed behind me, followed by a deep chuckle, and my blood suddenly went cold and I froze. I twisted around wide eyed, bloodied blade in bloodied hand, to find Negan, grinning from ear to ear. I’d forgotten he was there.

“Hoooly shit! _You_ are fuckin’ brutal! ’God has forsaken you’!” He exclaimed and mimicked a stabbing motion as he laughed. “You’re gonna be sitting on top of a walker soon, by the way.” He reminded me.

I stood slowly, panting and aching as the exhaustion caught up with me. Then reaching for the gun once more, I shot Andy between the eyes, putting him down for good. The ringing in my ears seemed to force away any lingering memories of what he had done. As heavy as my arms felt, it seemed like a great weight had been lifted off me. Negan came forward and stood beside me, and together we stared down at what remained of Andy.

***

A few days later, I sat in my room over a cup of hot tea, not the least bit fazed by what had happened. In fact, I’d been in a very pleasant mood ever since. I wondered how I could have done something so horrific and felt nothing about it? Then again, if I could kill my father, what wouldn’t I do? He had reminded me of my father after all.

As I went over the incident in my head, I wondered where I’d come up with my methods. It had all just come so naturally, like all the rage of my troubled youth had come forward and turned me into a ruthless killer. Living in a world of seemingly no consequence, I wondered what else I was capable of.

As I took another sip of tea, there was a heavy knocking at my door. I rushed over to open it, spilling a bit of tea down my hand. I hissed as it burned me and shook the hot liquid off my finger tips. I looked up flustered until I realized it was Negan standing at my door.

“Hi.” He said with a devilishly handsome smile, apparently amused by my shock.  
“W-what are you doing here?” I stuttered.  
“I was in the neighborhood, believe it or not.” He said.  
“How do you even know where my neighborhood is?” I raised my brow.  
“I own it.” He winked and the simple gesture made me smile.  
“Oh! Okay then, Landlord. My, do I have a list of concerns for you.” I said, mocking him. He smirked as he strolled inside, taking in all the details of my personal space.

My room was as simple as the others, but I added my own personal touches. A few tapestries here, some wall art there, and even some indoor plants. I’d gotten bored and created my own little escape so I wouldn’t feel so trapped. I stood nervously picking my nails as I watched him take a seat at my humble dining table, dwarfed by his height.

“Wow, it looks like Pinterest fuckin’ exploded in here!” He teased.  
“Wow, we’re still talking about Pinterest?” I retaliated.  
“You have a knack for talking shit.” He grinned. This seemed to please him.  
“That’s funny, so do you.” I crossed my arms. “So did you just come to talk shit or do you have something else in mind?” I asked, regretting my choice of words as his eyes became darker, hungry even. Like a shark about to bite the bait. “-You know, like a business sort of… -Something.” I revised breathlessly, now blushing brightly as I looked away. I was fumbling to gather my confidence when he stood and ambled toward me.  
“Funny you should ask…” He was so uncomfortably close I could smell he was wearing cologne. It was odd and immodest that he’d even bother with such redundancy, and yet he smelled delicious.  
“So…?” I waited.  
“So, I came to see how you’re processing the gift I gave you.” He said.  
“Great, actually. -Which makes me question my sanity a little, but I’m fine.” I shrugged.  
“Yeah, you enjoyed the shit outta that didn’t you?” He chuckled. I nodded, looking down at my feet. He was just so incessantly close, staring so deeply into me, implying something yet saying nothing.  
“Ok, I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say here. Should I be thanking you or something?” I made my way across my room to create distance so I could breathe.  
“No. -But I’ll admit, I do want to use that as leverage for a proposal.” He said closing the gap once more. I just couldn’t escape him.  
“I knew it.” I sighed.  
“You got me all figured out do you?” He laughed.  
“No, not yet. That’s the problem.” I rolled my eyes.  
“I love a good challenge.” He bit his lip and it made my stomach flutter.  
“So what’s your catch?” I asked.  
“It's not a fucking catch woman. It’s a proposal. I’m simply extending the invitation for you to be one of my wives.” He said. His words were not difficult to decipher, and yet I had difficulty processing them.  
“Excuse me?” I shook my head.  
“Be my wife and I will protect you, provide for you, spoil you rotten, and as long as you’re willing, we’ll knock boots every now and again. It’s that simple. Of course, you can think it over as long as you need to-“  
“-What? No! I don’t need to think it over. The answer is no!” I said firmly, lifting my hands in protest and he furrowed his brows. It seemed ‘no’ was something he wasn’t used to hearing and he didn’t like the sound of it. “I guess you could say I appreciate the offer, but no. I refuse to sit around filing my nails all day, living for your beck and call! I don’t ever want to be a wife, I want to be a Savior!” I argued, finally admitting my ultimate goal.  
“Okay, whoa. First of all, lower your god damn voice.” He lifted a finger to silence me and I froze, now back to feeling anxious. The silence was a long one as I watched him process my words as he lifted his bat onto his shoulder and smirked. “So you want to be a Savior, do you?” He asked, and all I could manage was a nod.  
“A pretty little thing like you?” He went on, giving me a good look up and down.  
“Yes.” I said firmly.  
“Alright then… I’ll be in touch.” He laughed deeply before sauntering out of my room, elusive as ever.

When he left I had the urge to throw something. Who did he think I was? While I understood that being a wife meant you were safe and well taken care of, I was offended. Hadn’t I proven myself when I handled Andy? Nothing about me said ‘wife’. -And who did he think he was? How many wives did one man even need? I growled as I plopped down at my table, thinking over everything but his proposal.


	5. Hazy

After refusing Negan’s proposal, I was sure my chances of becoming a Savior had become that much more difficult. He'd already had his eye on me before, but now he’d be watching me much more closely. I had to prove myself to him even further. 

So on my days off from the infirmary, I worked on breaking my running stride, pushing myself harder and faster. I’d even contacted the Savior, David. He certainly didn’t owe me anymore favors, if anything I owed him, but I needed his insight. After a little flirting and convincing, he agreed to assist me in Savior training. It helped that I’d left out the detail of Negan’s proposal.

As we worked together we became closer and more fond of one another. I got to know him on a deeper level than physical appearance and small talk. He was a small town bad boy with a big sense of humor. Not too different than the boys I grew up with once. With the help of his good looks, it wasn’t long before I began to wonder if we could be more than friends. It seemed he was too, when our training became a more and more frequent, and less and less professional.

Early one afternoon, we met out front of the Sanctuary to enjoy the spring’s warm weather. We were working on restraint breaks, not just because it was a valuable lesson, but because it was shamefully fun. As David grabbed me from behind, I noted the hardness of his torso before breaking free, just like he’d taught me. As I swung back for a strike at his groin, he flinched and pulled away.

“Whoa, hey! Spare me the last bit!” We laughed as he wrapped a friendly arm around my waist.  
“Sorry. I just want to make you proud.” I grinned and he lifted a brow.  
“Oh I am very proud.” He chuckled, his hands still lingering on my waist. “Let’s take a break. You hungry?” He asked.  
“Starving.” I said, biting my lip.

As I admired his bright smile, I couldn’t help noticing the way his blue eyes shifted down at my lips. I had the very sudden and intense urge to kiss him, until I felt someone else’s eyes on me. I glanced behind David, to find Negan approaching. His expression was forbidding, and the sight of him cooled me instantly.

“You know what? Actually, we should really get back to work.” I pulled away, suddenly all business.  
“What-“ David started.  
“-And what do we have here?” Negan interrupted, his words slow and accusatory as he leaned on his bat.  
“Hey, boss!” David turned to him casually, not picking up on the tremendous tension.

I looked up, feeling small as they towered over me. They were both the same height and same build, but polar opposites. One dark, one light. One devil, one Savior. 

“We’re training.” I blurted out.  
“Training for what?” Negan smirked, sensing my discomfort.  
“Gotta get her up to Savior standards, right boss?” David smiled, placing a hand on my low back. Negan’s hard eyes zeroed in on the gesture, before he looked at me once more.  
“She’s not a Savior.” He said matter of factly.  
“Not yet I’m not.” I crossed my arms.  
“I don’t believe I said you ever would be.” He said, cocking his head to the side.  
“You said you’d be in touch, so I thought I’d get a head start. Just because you’ve got time, doesn't mean I do.” I said bitterly. Negan’s eyes darkened as he smirked, and David simply winced at my inability to bite my tongue.  
“David.” He turned to him, smiling widely. “Go help the fellas unload the trucks for me would ya? I need to have a talk with my girl here.” He said.  
“Sure, boss.” He said and left without question. I watched him go, irritated that he hadn’t tried to stick up for me, but really I wasn’t surprised. He was Savior after all, and Negan was the Saviors’ master.  
“I’m not your girl.” I said firmly, once David was out of ear shot.  
“You have a _boyfriend_?” Negan resisted laughing.  
“He’s not my boyfriend, but that’s none of your damn business.” I said huffily.  
“Hell, the fuck, _no_!” He pointed his bat and I jumped. “You’re gonna have to learn to cut that shit out. No one _ever_ fuckin’ talks to me like that. Not even your little sassy fuckin’ ass. -As a matter of fact, _especially_ not your little sassy fuckin’ ass, because you’re my new personal assistant.” He said.  
“Your what?” I shook my head in confusion.  
“You fuckin’ heard me.” He said.  
“-But what about the infirmary?” I asked, frantically searching for a way out.  
“You’ll be on call.” He said.  
“Well, what if I don’t want to be your assistant?” I tried.  
“Then you must not want to be a Savior either.” He shrugged.  
“Are you seriously forcing me with an ultimatum?” I stomped my foot.  
“Sure am.” He smiled and carried on as I gripped my head in frustration. “You’re gonna be my closest fuckin’ companion. You’ll carry my messages back and forth, keep me posted on the comings and goings of the Sanctuary, and whistle me little tunes when I’m bored. You’ll be my very own little bird.” As he kept talking I was struggling to keep my cool. “-And when I think you’re good and ready, you might just get to graduate to a Savior.” He said and I calmed very suddenly.  
“Really?” I raised my brows.  
“Really. -But here’s the catch-“  
“Of course there’s a fucking catch.” I rolled my eyes.  
“There it is.” He pointed. “Every time you roll those big ol’ green eyes at me, or start talkin’ shit, I will push your graduation date a little bit fuckin’ further. You understand? You need to learn your place before you ask me to make a new one for you. Do we have a deal?” He asked, offering his hand for a shake. I had a strong urge to roll my eyes again, but I thought better of it.  
“Fine.” I said, reaching to seal the deal.  
“And, just so we’re clear… ” He gripped my hand tightly, pulling me into him. I stumbled forward, and he leaned in so closely his bearded cheek, grazed mine. “No boys. You belong to me now.” He said softly, then turned and left me feeling short of breath.

***

Being Negan’s assistant was by far the most strenuous job I’d ever had. For the first few weeks, I struggled with juggling my time between helping Dr Bran in the infirmary and Negan’s constant demands. I did everything from updating him on inventory, to fetching his lunch. I was expected to be on my toes, always available, and always on time. If there was ever a question regarding the runnings of the Sanctuary, I was expected to know the answer and if I didn’t, I’d certainly hear about it.

Negan himself was difficult to read and decode. He was moody and unpredictable most of the time, seemingly always on the verge of striking even with a smile on his face. It was like working with a caged animal. I had to stay vigilant and careful. In reality though, whether or not he’d physically harm me wasn’t a question. He never put his hands on women, but I’d come to find he had many other creative methods of punishment that sometimes didn’t even require him to lift a finger. 

It was easy to see how Negan had come to rule the Sanctuary. He was smart, stealthy, charismatic, powerful, and most of all, he was a bully. He knew exactly which buttons to press to get the reaction he wanted, and he did so with pleasure. I was the brunt of this on many occasions as he tested me, knowing I couldn’t do much to defend myself if I wanted to be a Savior.

By the summer, I learned how to keep up with Negan. I got used to his powerful presence and became more comfortable. As we grew close, his lines became hazy, and I started getting away with a lot more than he probably intended. He favored me, I could tell. Still, no matter safe I thought I was, there was always the natural instinct that I was never truly safe from him. He was a beast and the world was his prey after all.

***

Early one afternoon I received word from the outposts that Negan and the Saviors were making their way back from a run. Knowing he’d be hungry after a long morning, I headed for the vendors to retrieve Negan’s lunch. Normally I would have waited for his specifics, but today they were serving pizza, one of his favorites.

After placing my order, I saw David coming in from what appeared to be a very successful run. He and the other Saviors were bringing in crates of supplies and distributing them to the vendors, before he approached me.

“Hey!” He greeted me with a playful hug, lifting me off the floor.  
“Well you’re in a good mood.” I laughed nervously, looking over my shoulder for Negan.  
“Yeah, we had a damn good run today, but now I’m starving. You wanna grab some lunch with me?” He asked with a handsome smile.  
“Oh, sorry… You came just a bit too late. I just put in an order in for Negan and I.” I said ruefully.  
“Then come keep me company until it’s ready.” He persisted.  
“Sure.” I nodded. I couldn’t turn him down entirely.

After grabbing his lunch, David led us outside to enjoy the warm summer sun. He wandered to a shady spot beneath a lone tree, only a little ways from the Sanctuary. I’d hoped he’d take us a bit further, fearing Negan would see us together and give me a hard time. He’d mentioned ‘no boys’ once, and while I didn’t think it was any of his business, I thought it best not to flaunt it either. David was sweet, removing his plaid flannel shirt and laying it out for me to sit on while he leaned his back against the tree.

“So what happened today?” I asked, sipping a juice he’d kindly gotten me.  
“We found a pretty big site that’d been overrun with walkers. So there was just all this loot lying around, ripe for the picking.” He grinned tossing a fresh grape in the air and catching it in his mouth as I chuckled.  
“You didn’t have any trouble with the walkers?” I asked.  
“Nah, most of them had wandered off by the time we got there. Only problem now is figuring out where the hoard is headed. Should be pretty easy as long as the outposts keep an eye out.” He said, tossing another grape and catching it between his teeth and smiling proudly.  
“You’re pretty good at that.” I giggled.  
“Here, you try.” He said grabbing another.  
“Oh god, I’m terrible at this.” I said setting my drink aside.  
“It’s fine, we’ll just practice.” He said aiming and closing one eye.

I sat up straight, opening my mouth wide, trying not to laugh. When he tossed the first grape, I missed as expected, but I caught it with my hands. I tossed it back and David easily caught it, despite my poor aim. He reached for another, aimed again and this time I was able to catch it. I cheered in surprise, and we celebrated with a high-five. In that moment I couldn’t help but notice the way his smile reached his glimmering blue eyes.

“See I knew you could do it.” He winked.  
“That was pure luck.” I said.  
“When are you gonna let me take you on a date some time?” He asked very suddenly making me choke on my juice.  
“Do people still go on dates?” I coughed, wiping the juice from my chin with my wrist.  
“Sure! You just have to be creative. I’ll think of something.” He said.  
“I don’t know, David… I-“

I was saved when the vendor came out, calling for me to retrieve my order. I quickly said my thanks and good byes, gathered Negan and I’s lunch, and hurried to his quarters. I felt a bit guilty leaving David that way, but it bided me time to come up with an excuse. It wasn't that I didn't like David, but I couldn’t just turn down Negan’s proposal and pick up one of his Saviors instead. Whether or not it was fair didn’t matter. Negan would retaliate on one, if not both of us.

***

When I arrived, Negan’s door men didn’t question me. By now, they were used to my coming and going. We simply exchanged greetings and I knocked to signal my presence before making my way inside. When I entered, Negan was standing over a crate filled with more goods they’d found on their morning run.

“What’s shakin’ Little Bird?” He beamed.  
“Hey, so listen, I don’t have the numbers for inventory just yet. I thought it best to hold off since-“  
“-Fuck it. Don’t worry about that right now. Whatcha got there?” He motioned and I was a bit surprised by his sudden leniency. He was in a great mood as well it seemed.  
“Oh! I brought pizza.” I said.  
“This day just keeps gettin’ better and better!” He praised.  
“I heard you had a good run today.” I couldn’t help but giggle.  
“Fuck yes we did! Come check this shit out!” He motioned me over. 

I took a seat on the sleek couch beside him, and began unpacking our lunch on the marbled coffee table. Negan’s room was luxuriously furnished and decorated like an expensive bachelor pad. It was quite a sight considering the state of the world. I thought it was presumptuous, but I wasn’t really surprised. Still I wondered how he’d even acquired it all. 

I began nibbling at my pizza as I watched Negan reach inside the crate and first pull out a few articles of clothing, some toiletries, and some other miscellaneous goods that he set aside. Then he pulled out a large stack of vinyls and set them before me.

“Do me a favor and add these to the others.” He said casually.  
“I thought no one was allowed to touch your stuff.” I hesitated in surprise. Negan was incredibly possessive, and very particular about his personal belongings. No one touched Negan’s things.  
“No one but you, Little Bird.” He echoed my thoughts, and I felt a bit of pride swell in my chest. _He trusted me_.

I quickly stacked the vinyls in my arms and rushed over to Negan’s very impressive collection, and gazed in awe as I ran my fingers over what must have been hundreds. I’d been dying to rummage through them. I’d always thought music was a good insight into someones mind. Not just what they listened to, but how they listened to it, and how they treated it.

Negan’s collection was displayed neatly and orderly, in alphabetical order. I took great care adding each new vinyl and placing it accordingly. As I flipped through them, I noticed they were all classic 60s and 70s, a few 80s. His taste mostly consisted of rock and roll, but I noticed a generous amount of blues and classic r&b as well. It seemed he was far more versatile than I anticipated, and maybe even a tad bit romantic I realized, as I flipped over three separate Al Green albums. 

“You have an amazing collection.” I said.  
“Do you even recognize any of those?” He asked.  
“Really? How young do you think I am?” I scoffed.  
“Too young.” He said.  
“I’m 27. -And I’ll have you know, if there’s one thing my father _did_ do right, it was teach me about good music.” I corrected.  
“Yeah? And what did Daddy do wrong?” He asked as he joined me.  
“Oh no, you don’t get that kind of info without a stiff drink.” I huffed and he chuckled. “The Bee Gees? Really?” I made a face.  
“What, you’re too hip for the Bee Gees?” He asked.  
“No, I just don’t picture you bashing people’s heads in to disco that’s all.” I shrugged and he laughed.  
“That’s an early album. That disco shit didn’t come until later.” He said.  
“Oooh David Bowie! God, I never thought I’d see you again!” I pulled the record from the shelf, my face glowing as I clutched it to my chest. “Oh can we? Please?” I asked.  
“Are you asking me for permission?” He feigned surprise.  
“Not really.” I grinned before rushing over to his turn table and carefully loading the vinyl.

My heart began to leap with joy as the sweet sound of Bowie’s voice echoed from the speakers and I was practically skipping as I turned to join Negan on the couch once more. When I plopped down on the beside him, he pulled out a small wooden cigar box. 

“I’ve got one more surprise.” He bounced his brows.

I was suspicious but curious as he placed the box in his lap. My mood suddenly switched as he flipped open the top. Inside, there was a well rolled joint, resting on a rather significant bed of pot. I inhaled sharply, and my eyes widened in surprise as I grinned from ear to ear. This day was taking a turn I never could have imagined.

“Shall we?” Negan asked.  
“If my boss finds out, he’ll kill me.” I joked, biting my lip as I smiled.  
“Just think of it as a bonus.” Negan winked and brought the joint to my lips.  
“I don’t know…” I resisted a nervous giggle and even a slight blush as I shook my head. I felt like a school girl being pressured by the definitive bad boy.  
“Who do you think you’re kidding? You’re no goody two shoes.” He said, and I had to admit he was right. I was a lot of things, but I was never the good girl. So I took the joint between my teeth as I grinned.  
“Fine. Spark it.” I said.

Negan chuckled as he fished a lighter from his pocket and flicked the flame before me. As he burned the tip, I inhaled slowly, and the paper crackled and hissed as embers began to glow. When I parted his lips, a thick smoke poured from my mouth and filled the air with the pungent and familiar scent of green. All at once I was hit with a nostalgia from my teens. It was a time I hadn’t thought I’d ever revisit again. I exhaled slowly, savoring the taste as I leaned back into the couch.

“Mmm…” I sighed and passed it to him.  
“Damn, that’s good shit too.” He said, taking a hit and blowing a thick cloud over head.  
“Is this really happening?” I shook my head in disbelief.  
“I’m telling you. It’s a good god damn day.” Negan said, picking up a slice of pizza.  
“When you’re right, you’re right.” I puffed.  
“Am I ever wrong?” He asked.  
“Eh….” I winced playfully before he snatched the joint from me.

It wasn’t much longer before I was heavy eyed and full of pizza. I felt the most relief I’d felt in ages, finally relaxing months and months of tension. I thought I would have been anxious being in this state around Negan, but I was oddly comfortable. Perhaps it was because he too seemed relaxed, like his walls had dropped an inch enough for me to catch a glimpse over them.

When Bowie’s ‘John, I’m Only Dancing’ came whispering from the record player I practically leapt from my seat and rushed over to turn it up. As the electric guitar riffs bellowed from the speakers I couldn’t help but dance. 

Negan watched me, smiling widely with the most genuine smile I’d ever seen on his handsomely dimpled face. When the song came to an end, he put on a little Stevie Ray Vaughan before settling into his seat once more. I soon joined him, lying down and draping my legs over the arm of the couch.

“I was wondering how far down that went.” Negan said, referring to the tattoo on my thigh that was peeking out from my blue jean shorts. I squealed when he suddenly pinched my hip.  
“Negan, stop!” I giggled, playfully shoving his hand away. “That is not appropriate boss and assistant behavior!” I said.  
“As she sits here smoking up all my weed.” He laughed.  
“You said it was my ‘bonus’!” I said, and a moment later Stevie Ray Vaughan’s ‘Texas Flood’ took off. “God he is amazing…” I sighed, hypnotized by his weeping guitar.  
“One of the best.” Negan agreed sinking into his seat and laying his head back on the couch.  
“Okay, best guitarists of all time. You start.” I pointed, and we took turns listing them off.  
“Jimmy Page.”  
“Jimi Hendrix.”  
“BB King.”  
“Eric Clapton.”  
“Eddie Van Halen.”  
“Prince.”  
“Buddy Guy.”  
“Oh! You know who’s really good? -And by far, the most underrated, is Alvin Lee.” I noted. Negan turned to me in surprise and a bit of astonishment.  
“Jesus Christ woman! Why won't you just be my fuckin’ wife?” He groaned.  
“Because I'm way too good for you.” I said rather bluntly, and there was a long moment silence before we both burst into a fit of laughter. 

I cupped my hands over my flushed cheeks as they began to ache, and glanced above me to see Negan watching me. For a brief moment I swore I saw a sort of softness in his eyes that I’d never seen before. He suddenly ruffled my hair into my face, obstructing my view and I batted his hand away.

“Alright, kid. Go fetch me those inventory numbers.” He said, standing suddenly to put away the rest of his loot.  
“Now?” I complained, smoothing my hair.  
“Did you think you were gonna sit on your ass and get high all day?” He asked.  
“Kinda.” I shrugged.  
“No ma’am. Only my wives are allotted that kind of luxury.” He teased.  
“Fine, then I get to pick one more before I hit the road.” I said, stealing one last run through his record collection. He didn’t seem to mind my lingering. “You know, I have one advantage over your wives.” I said.  
“What’s that?” He asked.  
“They don’t get to touch your stuff.” I said.  
“Oh, they get to touch _all_ my stuff.” Negan insinuated as he grinned widely.  
“Yeah, I’ll bet they do.” I raised a brow, before picking Ten Years After appropriately. “Alright Boss, on that note, I leave you with the best.” I said as ‘Sugar The Road’ echoed to a start.

Negan said nothing as I left, but I felt oddly sluggish and melancholy when I closed his door behind me. It felt like my high came plummeting down all at once. As I made my way to inventory, I realized what I was feeling was disappointment. 

On any other day, I would have felt relieved to be out of Negan’s demanding grasp, but now, I hadn’t wanted our exchange to end. Not because of the pot, though it was a perk, but because I was actually having a good time. Talking over lunch with Negan was the most fun I’d had in what felt like a lifetime. I’d actually witnessed a side of him that few, if any, had ever seen before. 

Suddenly, I was on another high. Perhaps this was the defining moment. Maybe now, Negan would finally let me become a Savior.

***

Of course, I had no such luck. A week had gone by since our smoke session, and though he'd seemed to still be in good spirits, Negan hadn’t once entertained the idea of me advancing to a Savior. 

One slow morning, Negan had taken the Saviors with him for an outing, and Dr Bran had given me the day off. I thought I would have liked the rare chance to sit down and relax, but I didn’t. Instead I felt restless and flustered. So I stopped by the vendors for a little frivolous spending. 

Being Negan’s assistant relieved me of the point system, but I had plenty left on record and figured I’d ought to use them if I had them. I was stopped by a sort of cosmetics and toiletry vendor, trying to sell me a handmade rollerball perfume. At first I thought it seemed superfluous, but she lured me with words like rich cream, crisp apple and bergamot. In the end, I rather liked the scent and purchased two.

After grabbing a few groceries, I headed back to my room. When I finished stocking my mini fridge, I checked the time, and was perturbed to find it was only noon. I was bored to death. How much longer before I could join the Saviors? Wasn't that the point of all this to begin with? I was beginning to think Negan was just stringing me along and punishing me for turning down his proposal. I certainly wouldn’t put it past him.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knocking at my door. It was loud and obnoxious, just like him. With a heavy sigh, I opened the door and there he stood. 6”2 and smirking like a cheshire cat.

“Negan.” My tone more like a declaration than a greeting.  
“Mornin’ Little Bird.” He said deeply.  
“It’s noon.” I said, turning back into my room.  
“Now, see that’s why I need ya'.” He said, kicking my door closed behind him before plopping down on my neatly made bed.  
“Did you have an eventful morning?” I asked, leaning into my fridge to fetch him a cold drink. 

I may have had my back turned, but I could feel his eyes on me. No doubt inspecting the curves of my ass in jean shorts. When I turned to face him, he shamelessly looked me up and down as I popped open a beer and handed it to him.

“Did _you_?” He grinned knowing damn well I didn’t.  
“Oh yeah I’ve had a great fucking time.” I said sarcastically.  
“Whoa, what’s with the shitty fuckin’ attitude?” He raised his heavy brows.  
“Nothing.” I shook my head and crossed my arms.  
“Now, now, Little Bird, is this about what I think it’s about?” He patronized.  
“When are you going to let me join the Saviors?” I sighed, exasperated. He stalled as he took a long sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving mine.  
“When I think you’re ready.” He repeated time and time again.  
“It’s been months, Negan. I am ready.” I said.  
“Well I’m not. How do I know your feisty little ass isn’t gonna shoot me the second I look away?” He said.  
“Jesus, if I was going to kill you, I would have done it by now.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Hey.” His expression turned dark and he stood suddenly. “What have I told you about rolling your fuckin’ eyes at me?” He pointed at me firmly.  
“Tell me when.” I persisted, ignoring the weakness in my knees.  
“When you finally learn how to bite your fuckin’ tongue.” He playfully chomped and laughed as I stormed off.  
“You’re wasting your own resources.” I crossed my arms defiantly, challenging him.  
“You think I don’t know what you’re capable of?” He sauntered toward me again. “You think I don’t see you out there training like you’re gearing up for fuckin’ war? I’ve watched you fuckin’ torture and kill a man. I know damn well what you’re capable of, and it is fuckin’ phenomenal. The only thing stopping you is yourself.” Then suddenly his expression changed, and he became distracted. “What the fuck is that?” He asked.  
“What?” I glanced around confused.  
“That smell. What is that?” He asked, leaning in closely to smell the air around me.  
“Oh. It’s just something I got from one of the vendors.” I pulled away, timidly sniffling my wrist. Negan took my hand and lifted it to his nose. His lips and beard grazed and tickled my skin, making me tingle all over. I blushed as he inhaled the scent deeply.  
“God _damn_ you smell good.” He said, smirking as he looked down at me with hungry eyes.

I gasped when he suddenly pulled me into him and placed his large hands on either side of my neck. My heart stopped as his thumbs caressed my cheeks and a quivering sigh escaped me. He’d never touched me this way before. His dark cognac eyes were burning into mine, and I could swear he was going to kiss me. I didn’t know if I had it in me to stop him, but I wanted to. Our situation was complicated enough, we didn’t need this. 

“Don’t…” I breathed as my lashes fluttered closed, and I heard Negan laugh softly to himself before he let me out of his grasp.  
“So close.” He grinned, licking and biting his bottom lip. He playfully pinched my side and I yelped as I jumped and shoved away.  
“God! Stop it!” I complained.  
“Such a fuckin’ crybaby today.” He laughed before sauntering off and closing my door behind him. 

I stood there frozen in silence, feeling worked up and out of breath, not knowing what the hell had just happened. How dare he feel so free to touch me. -And yet, I hadn’t done a thing to stop him.

“Asshole.” I huffed.

Later that night. I laid in bed touching the places on my neck that Negan had held before. Something was changing, and I didn’t know how to stop it. When I finally slowed my heart enough to fall asleep, I dreamt of him vividly. His hands and mouth all over my exposed skin. His salt and pepper beard tickling my neck and breasts as he consumed me. I swear I could smell him, and I wanted to taste him too. There in my dreams where I was safe, I didn’t resist him as he took control of me. Instead, I submitted to him fully and some how it felt exhilarating. It was all so dangerously real.


	6. Yes Sir

After a long night of dreaming about Negan, I bolted up from damp sheets, panting. As I wiped the sweat from my neck, my hand came to rest on my chest and I could feel my heart pounding. The smell of early morning air came whipping from my open window as a breeze brushed past my flushed skin and I sighed in relief. It was only a dream.

When I got up to ready myself for the day ahead, I noticed I’d forgotten to throw out the unfinished beer Negan had left behind the day before. I picked it up from the table and inspected the rim where his mouth had been. Nibbling my bottom lip, for a short moment I wondered if I could taste him there, but was startled by knocking at my door. I quickly poured it down the drain before rushing to answer it. It was Simon. Negan’s lieutenant and ‘right-hand man’.

“What the hell are you doing here this early?” I yawned.  
“Negan wants to see you.” He said, a creepy look of satisfaction on his face to see me in a long t-shirt and underwear. He’d always made me uncomfortable.  
“What? Where? Why?” I shielded myself with the door.  
“Didn’t say. Come outside.” He said, turning to leave. Not before trying to get one more eye full of course. I shot him a look of disgust and slammed the door and locked it.

After splashing my face with cool water, I tied up my hair, yanked on my shorts, and a fresh tank top. I noticed my hands were shaky as I laced up my boots and slipped a knife safely inside. I was nervous and even a little embarrassed to be around Negan after our odd exchange and the dreams I’d been having. I knew I couldn’t let him see it though. He had a keen eye for those kinds of weaknesses. It was part of what made him so good at what he did, and with an ego like his, he didn’t need the extra boost.

On my way downstairs, I imagined the to-do list he had in mind for the day to get out of my lingering dream state. It would probably be the usual inventory updates, a few check-ins among the community, whatever other chores he found too boring to do himself. I thought of the time he sent me to fetch him a very obnoxiously specific sandwich, and it annoyed me enough to come back to reality. -But then I saw him.

“There’s my girl!” He turned to me, eyes and teeth shining, his bat perched on his broad shoulder. He was so effortlessly sexy.  
“Why so early?” I ignored my admiration and instead complained as I approached him.  
“You want the worm, don’t you Little Bird? It’s a big one.” He winked.  
“What?” I flushed at the childish innuendo and inwardly slapped myself.  
“I’m gonna take you for a little joy ride in my ‘Betty’ today.” He motioned to a classic Chevy. Blue and chrome. It was a little beat up but well kept considering. To say it was his personal vehicle, well, it needn’t be said. Everyone knew better than to touch ‘Betty’.  
“Seriously?” My eyes lit up.  
“Don’t get too excited now. You’ll be on a _very_ tight leash.” He said stepping into the driver's seat.  
“Do I get a gun?” I asked climbing into the passenger’s side.  
“Hell no! You’re staying in the truck.” He laughed, starting up the roaring engine.  
“Then why the hell-“  
“ _Nope_!” He pointed the end of his bat in my face to silence me. “You wanna play? You play by the rules, and _I_ make the fuckin’ rules. Got it?” He asked dropping the bat as I nodded.  
“Say ‘yes sir’.” He grinned widely, squirming in anticipation. We sat there in silence for several moments as I resisted rolling my eyes and through clenched teeth, I finally mumbled, “Yes sir.” His dark eyes brightened as he drew out a laugh, relishing in my loss of pride.  
“Attagirl!” He said as he honked and slapped his palm on the side of the truck, signaling the others to move ahead.

We were quiet as I stared out the window, taking in the details of my little field trip from the Sanctuary. We started down a dirt road, concealed by thick foliage and trees, then eventually we reached a paved road. I cracked the window slightly, to allow the crisp scent of early morning inside the truck, and smiled widely as it caressed my face. The air seemed cleaner here some how. 

As we merged and sped down the highway, the wind began whipping loose hair around my face, tickling my nose. So I rolled the window up once more. Over time the landscape all began to look the same, and I grew bored. I stole a glance of Negan as he watched the road intently, and I admired his profile. 

I traced his broad forehead and strong brows, took note of his long dark lashes and masculine nose that was just slightly upturned into the perfect size and shape. I lingered on his full lips that peeked from beneath the silvery scruff of his pointed chin. He was so handsome, I thought it unfair. How the hell could I resist a face like that? Then I was quickly reminded, by his usual domineering personality.

“Listen, when we get there I want you to keep your ass in this truck. Do you understand?” He asked.  
“Yeah, I know, I get it.” I started to roll my eyes, and froze halfway, trying to seem like I was simply looking out the window, but failed.  
“Now you’re already starting on thin fuckin’ ice. Do not set a fuckin’ foot out of this truck. Don’t even touch the fuckin’ door handle. In fact-” He reached over and yanked the seat belt across my lap and latched it. “Don’t move a fuckin’ inch.”  
“Ok, I won’t!” I closed my legs tightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice the goosebumps he left behind when his hand grazed the skin of my thighs. We pulled into a large parking lot of a long gone super market and he turned off the ignition. As he reached for the door handle, he gave me one last stern look.  
“I won’t.” I insisted.  
Though he still wore a look of suspicion, he hopped out and slammed the door closed behind him. 

I watched his long, unhurried strides to join the others who were already gathered waiting for him. His dominance flourished as he whistled casually while twirling his deadly bat like a toy. The Saviors parted like well-trained dogs, readying themselves dutifully beside and behind him. I imagined myself standing there.

Another group of survivors stepped out of their vehicles and stood waiting, looking almost as orderly, but far less confident. I was too far away to hear their conversation, but I saw the way their bodies seemed to cower when Negan approached them. This must have been some sort of trade.

Already growing bored, I began counting and analyzing, sizing them up. There was one more of us than them. -Two if you counted me. Five men, average height, all dark haired. Two women, one short and dark skinned, the other tall and mousy haired. They held two rifles, four handguns, and a machete. They weren’t under armed, but they could have been more prepared, I thought.

A moment later, there was some sort of confrontation. I heard raised voices, something inaudible, and they all stood frozen, barrels and blades aimed at one another. -Except for Negan. He stood, calm and collected as ever, with his weapon of choice still resting on his shoulder. How did he always look so cool? I shook the childish thought out of my head.

That’s when I noticed the mousy haired woman. She seemed more anxious than the others, her feet were restless like at any moment she could take off into a sprint. I instinctively released my seat belt, leaned forward, and focused in on her. Her eyes seemed to shift from Negan and the others to something else. I followed her gaze to the right and spotted two more people, a man, and woman creeping up on the group. 

They signaled something to one another and split. The woman slowly coming in my direction. I dropped low in the truck, laying my back as flat as possible across the floorboard. I could see her through the side mirror, her dark hair pulled into a tight bun, staring into the scope of her rifle, too distracted to notice me. Slowly and carefully, I reached for the blade in my boot, holding my breath as she passed by the window.

I managed to get out of Negan’s truck without her hearing and carried on crouching behind her as I readied myself to strike. At that moment, the mousy haired woman spotted me and shifted her aim in our direction, alerting the brunette. She turned to me, ready to shoot, but I was closer than she’d anticipated. So with all of my weight, I punched across her jaw, knocking her off her feet.

That’s when the bullets began to fly. I felt the rush of adrenaline pounding through me, my pulse reaching my ears and my instincts kicked in. Mounting the woman, I plunged my knife up into her chin, spurting hot blood across my neck and chest. I stared into her eyes, bewildered and wide, as her hands weakly clawed at me. I watched her gasping for air, the color draining from her face and savored the rush I felt. This was the feeling I’d been yearning for.

By then the mousy haired woman was making her way toward me. So snatching the rifle from the lifeless body beneath me, I aimed and pulled the trigger without much thought. The kick surprised me, and I missed the shot. I’d never been great with rifles, so I angrily tossed it aside and yanked my knife from the brunette’s throat and threw it full force. It spun and whipped through the air, finally making contact, piercing her chest, only a few feet away. When her body collapsed, Negan stood furious behind her, with his bat in mid swing, dripping and oozing with blood.

“What the fuck!” Negan growled as he wretched my knife from the woman’s chest, leaving her writhing on the ground as he stomped toward me. For a moment I felt relief to see him alive, but then I saw the rage in his eyes. “You almost shot me! What the fuck!” He pointed my bloodied knife in my face.  
“I didn’t see you.” I panted.  
“Get back in the god damn truck!” He shouted as he yanked me to my feet, and practically threw me back inside.

He slammed the door and slapped the lock down before storming back toward the Saviors. Most of the other survivors were dead, except for two they’d pinned and held down, waiting for command. Negan was irate now, yelling so loudly I could hear every word.

“You stupid little pricks! Did you _really_ think you were going to fuckin’ ambush me and get away with it? No, no, no! Fuuuck… _no_!” He swung viciously, cracking open the skull of the first man. He jerked and squirmed before falling face first on the ground. Negan swung down again, even harder, forcing a spurt of blood up and across his face. He arched his back in satisfaction and howled at the skies before turning to the last man. He enjoyed killing so much it was almost frightening to watch. -But then, who was I to judge?  
“-And now _you_!” He laughed as he pressed the tip of his bat to the last man’s forehead, leaving a crimson ring before squatting to look him in the eyes. The man shivered all over and sobbed.  
“Now, now, dry it the fuck up! It’s your lucky fuckin’ day! Because guess what? I’m gonna let you live!” The man practically bowed as he thanked him.  
“That’s right! I want you to run and tell all your friends what happened here today! And god dammit, when I come back if you’re not all bowing at my fuckin’ feet I will crush every one of your fuckin’ skulls into the god damn ground!” Negan threatened before he stood and motioned to the Saviors.  
“Pack up all of their shit before you leave. -And let’s make the message, very, _very_ fuckin’ clear.” He turned on his heel and steadily made his way back toward the truck, while the saviors pummeled the last man standing into the ground.

I was squeezed as far into my end of the bench seat as possible when Negan tossed his bat in the bed of the truck and hopped into the driver's seat. He hadn’t even looked my way yet as he started up the engine, but I could feel the anger radiating off him. With a sharp turn, we fishtailed back onto the road toward the Sanctuary. We sped a mile or so down the highway before he finally pulled to the side, slamming the brakes. When he cut the engine, the silence between us was some how louder than the engine had been.

“I told you to stay in the fuckin’ truck.” He finally spoke, still not looking at me.  
“Negan-“  
“No. Fuck no. You don’t get to talk right now.” He said, finally turning to me, looking bloody and unhinged.  
“Would you rather me have just let her kill you then? If it weren’t for me, you could be dead right now!” I snapped.  
“You think I need you to save me? You think I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing? I have eyes everywhere! The woman you killed? She was under -fuckin’- cover! For me! I spotted that fuckin’ ambush a mile away!” As his words sunk in, my face must have shown it. “Yeah, you’re real proud now aren’t you?” He growled.  
“Why didn’t you just fill me in to begin with? This would never have happened if you’d just fucking told me!” I argued.  
“I don’t have to fuckin’ explain myself to you! _You_ work for _me_! _You_ answer to _me_! You do what you’re told! What the fuck is it going to take for you to fuckin’ understand that!” He shouted.  
“You did this on purpose! You set me up to fail and it backfired on you! This is _your_ fault! _You_ did this! If you would just-” Negan’s eyes were burning, raging with anger now as I continued yelling. He reached over and gripped my mouth firmly to silence me. I tried biting, kicking, and shoving away, but he pinned me into the corner of the truck.  
“Hey! Knock that shit off! Knock it off!” He growled.  
“Get off me!” I tried to shout, but my voice was muffled in his palm.  
“Are you gonna shut up and listen?” He asked, shaking me firmly. I resisted a bit more, but he was twice my size, so I finally nodded in defeat. He paused for a moment before removing his hand and lowered his voice before speaking again.  
“I brought you here today to test you, and you failed fuckin’ _miserably_. -But it wasn’t because of your skills, or your loyalty, or whatever the fuck else you’ve got going on up there in that cluster-fuck.” He motioned to my head and I glared but remained silent. “What you need to understand is, the only thing holding you back, is you don’t listen for shit, and you can’t seem to shut your fuckin’ mouth. Now I’m hoping after today, you might have finally figured that shit out. Have you?” He asked. We sat there in silence for a moment as I panted beneath the weight of him. Then, somewhere between the anger and adrenaline, I could feel something heating up.  
“I can learn to listen, but I can’t promise I won’t talk shit while I do it.” I said honestly, and he laughed.  
“I’m not sure you can either, but you should know…” He lifted my chin so our lips were only inches apart. “You say something I don’t like, and I swear I will punish the _shit_ outta you. You understand?” I nodded timidly now, knowing we weren’t just talking about work anymore.  
“Say, ‘yes sir’.” He commanded in a soft rumbling voice.  
“Yes sir.” I whispered.  
“You want to play then? Is that what you want?” He asked.

His hungry stare gripped me harder, deeper and lower than before. The air between us was white hot now, and my heart was fluttering in my chest. Again, I wanted to say no, but the restless nights I’d spent dreaming of him, all came rushing through my mind. I had to taste him. My voice hitched in my throat as I breathlessly, hopelessly sighed, 

“Yes sir.”

In a quick motion Negan yanked me up and into his lap, and the second our lips touched we ignited. The blood and sweat that lingered on our skin only seemed to fuel the fire some how. We became animalistic, our hands clawing at one another as we panted into each other’s mouths. Our tongues prodded and lapped, desperately seeking the taste of one another. 

I hissed when Negan suddenly took a fist full of my hair and pulled my head back to bite the skin of my neck. When I cried out, I could feel the length of him grow harder between my legs before he trailed his mouth back up to my lips. His hands slipped beneath my shirt and clutched my hips before running down the back of my shorts to squeeze my ass. My body was screaming for more of him. I eagerly reached down for his belt, but he stopped me, gripping my hands and pinning them between us. He growled deeply and pulled away from our kiss, taking my breath with him.

“Get back in your seat.” He sighed heavily as he slapped my ass.  
“What?” I growled.  
“What did we say about listening to what you’re told?” He asked. 

I pried myself off him, angrily plopping back down in my seat. As he reached into his pants and adjusted himself, I licked my lips. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of it, but I wasn’t so lucky. When I looked up again, we locked eyes and he smirked mischievously.

“You were a bad, bad girl today. Did you really think you were gonna get a treat?” He laughed before starting the engine.

As painful as it was, I bit my tongue. I cursed his name in my head as we continued back toward the Sanctuary, and scowled out my window. The wetness between my legs was unbearable. I squirmed in my seat, crossing my legs, and trying to suppress my urges. Just then, Negan eased into the rumble strips on the edge of the highway, purposefully vibrating the entire truck. I shot him a hateful look, but he was fully enjoying himself.

“Oooh this is gonna be fuckin’ fun.” He laughed.


	7. No Fucking Boys

Several days later, I hadn’t seen or heard from Negan even once. He hadn’t come to me for my usual assistant work and I was growing more and more agitated by the minute. I tried to help out in the infirmary, but it was a slow day and Dr. Bran could easily sense my restlessness. The thought of discussing the issue with him was mortifying. I could hardly even face it myself. So to avoid the issue I took the afternoon off.

Once back in my room I began anxiously cleaning, reorganizing, and trying desperately to keep myself busy. The second I lost focus, my mind would drift back to that moment in the truck. The way Negan’s hands felt on my bare skin, the taste of his tongue, and the hard girth in his lap. It left me feeling breathless and hot, but I reminded myself of what an asshole he'd been. How he’d set me up for failure and then left me looking like an idiot, taking the blame and practically begging for him.

What the hell was I doing? How did I even allow this to happen? Then I suddenly realized, he'd outsmarted me. Negan knew exactly what he was doing. He’d planned this all along. He wasn’t going to allow me to become a Savior at all, he was setting me up to fail. Of course, it was all a trap. He was trying to make a wife out of me whether I knew it or not. This sadistic sexual deprivation was just a way to cloud my judgment. 

In that moment I knew, I had to clear my head, and I knew just where to go.

***

I found David exactly where I wanted him. Already a beer and a half in, at the Savior’s basement bar. I caught up, practically shot gunning a beer myself, and two more later we were stumbling into his room, tangled in a heated lip lock. I began ripping away the buttons of his shirt when he took my hands gently in his to stop me.

“Are you sure?” He asked.  
“What?” I huffed impatiently.  
“I mean, I don’t want to push you, that’s all.” He said gently.  
“Don’t be stupid.” I said, reaching down his pants, and silencing him with my tongue.

We fell back into his bed, not bothering to completely shed our clothes. I didn’t need foreplay, in fact, I’d had enough of it. I pulled my panties to the side and slipped his length inside me. It felt so satisfying as he sunk into me, finally filling me with the pressure my body had been yearning for, for days now. 

I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him in deeper. Davids hands tenderly caressed every curve of me, squeezing gently on my most supple skin, but I wanted more. I wanted it hard and rough. The way Negan had been. 

I shoved David beneath me and he chuckled as I straddled him. He moaned when I began grinding above him, looking up with an adoring expression as I grabbed his hands and lifted them to my chest. He kneaded my breasts, but his touch was still too soft. So I took his hand and led it to my neck, wrapping his fingers tightly with mine. I squeezed tighter and tighter until I saw surprise and realization cross his face. David sat up suddenly, taking hold of my hair, and I moaned in relief as he began thrusting harder beneath me.

“Spank me…” I sighed. David’s hand smacked against my cheek, but again, it wasn’t hard enough.   
“Harder.” I demanded and he swung again.

This time his palm stung against my skin and I shivered with pleasure. He spanked me again, harder still, and I threw my head back moaning. My legs began to shake as my body began to peak, but in the end, it fell short and my orgasm was surprisingly underwhelming.

David finished soon after, and we fell back into his sheets, disheveled and out of breath. He nuzzled into my neck and pulled me into him, so I stayed a moment, running my fingers gently through his golden locks. I felt guilty.

“I should go.” I said, pulling myself free from his embrace.  
“You don’t have to. You could stay the night. Maybe rest up for another round.” He said, crossing his arms behind his head and grinning.  
“No, I’ve got to get up early tomorrow.” I lied, slipping into my shorts and straightening myself up.  
“Can we do this again sometime?” He asked.  
“Uh…” I hesitated.  
“Hey, what’s wrong? You okay? Was I too rough?” He asked, looking concerned. I had to resist rolling my eyes.  
“No, you were fine. I’m fine.” I said, but he wasn’t convinced.  
“Come on. Talk to me.” He insisted.  
“-Look, David this was fun and all, but I’m never gonna be taken seriously as a Savior if I’m fooling around with one. This was just a… mutual need for release or something.” I shrugged.  
“You’re gonna need another release sooner or later and I won’t tell if you won’t.” He smiled and it was charming, but now that I’d had him, I knew he wasn’t what I wanted.  
“Keep this between us and maybe you’ll have another shot.” I lied again, and before he could ask anything more, I left.

 

***

The following morning I woke to a loud rapping at my door. I peeled my face sluggishly off my pillow and squinted tiredly at the clock on my wall to find it was almost noon. I hadn’t intended to sleep so long, and despite the hour, I still felt exhausted. I fumbled out of bed, feeling a bit dizzy from the evening’s drinks as I shuffled toward the door.

“Who is it?” I croaked as I reached for the knob.  
“It’s the big bad wolf.” I recoiled at the sound of Negan’s deep growling voice. My eyes widened and I paled suddenly, wanting to retreat to the safety of my bed once more.  
“Uh, hang on.” I said.

I rushed to the kitchen sink and rinsed the sleep from my face before glancing in my mirror. My hair was a tousled mess, so I shook it out as best as I could before pinching some color into my cheeks. Finally, I slipped on a pair of leggings, and hurried to the door, stubbing my toe on the way. I was hissing “shit”, as I opened it to find Negan leaning against the frame. He looked down at me with his usual smirk, but there was something else behind his heavy eyes.

“Aw… Did I wake you?” He mocked an apologetic tone.  
“Yes.” I said, balancing on one foot as I rubbed my sore toe.  
“Who knew you were so damn cute in the morning?” He ruffled my bedhead.  
“What do you want, Negan?” I asked irritably, batting his hand away as I stumbled off balance.  
“I wanna know what’s got your panties in such a fuckin’ knot. I’m sure you’re just dying to tell me.” He licked his teeth and bounced his brow.  
“I’ve got nothing to say.” I lied and attempted to close my door in his face, but Negan used his bat to block it.   
“Nope. That’s not how this works. I am speaking to you.” He said firmly before stepping inside and closing the door behind him.  
“Oh, now? After days, you suddenly have something to say?” I stormed off.  
“There it is!” He laughed.

Negan set his bat aside and reached into my mini fridge for a beer. Meanwhile, I could still taste the ones from last night that had grown stale on my tongue, so I stood over my sink to brush my teeth. 

“So what? You had nothing better to do today, so you came here to antagonize me?” I spit and rinsed.  
“Sure, why not?” Negan chuckled, sipping his beer as he watched me ready for the day.  
“My god you’re aggravating.” I mumbled as I pulled up my hair and searched my room for a hair tie. Of course, in the hundreds I’d collected, there were none to be found.  
“ _Me_? You’ve been a fuckin’ pain since the day I laid eyes on that sweet ass. I asked you to be my wife, and you thanked me by nearly blowing my fuckin’ head off.” He said.  
“Yeah, you were just an inch too short.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Careful, Little Bird.” He warned.  
“God dammit…” I sighed to myself, searching my drawers, but to no avail.  
“Looking for one of these?” Negan asked picking up a hair tie from my counter and used his thumb to shoot it in my direction. 

I didn’t bother thanking him as I picked it up from the floor. Negan watched me, standing before my mirror as I attempted to tie my hair neatly. It was too unruly, so I snapped my teeth, and tugged and fluffed it into a decent, but messy bun. I twirled and shaped the loose strands around my face, in an attempt to stall and ignore the feeling of his eyes still watching me.

“So, how was the bar last night?” Negan asked and I froze, panicking inwardly. _He knew_.  
“It was fine.” I shrugged, trying to appear calm, but I could only look at him indirectly through the mirror.  
“Did you see your boyfriend?” He asked setting his beer aside and leaning against the counter as he crossed his arms.  
“David is not my boyfriend.” I corrected.  
“You didn't answer my question.” He said.  
“Yes. I saw him.” I rolled my eyes.  
“And then what?” He asked as he snaked himself up right and flashed his teeth.  
“Nothing.” I shrugged unconvincingly. 

Negan ambled toward me, but I couldn’t face him, so I stared down at my feet meekly. He grabbed me by the chin, forcing me to look up and into his eyes as he peered into me. I felt a weakness in my knees and my stomach flipped.

“That’s twice now that you’ve rolled those pretty eyes at me, and now, you’re gonna lie to my fucking face?” He asked, his voice a deep velvety growl.

We stood there for a long moment, our bodies so close I could feel the heat of him. He released my chin and took hold of my neck. Goose bumps lifted beneath his touch like my skin was reaching for him. Suddenly, every bit of longing I’d thought I’d satiated with David came flooding over me again. This was what my body was craving.

“I’m sorry…” I breathed.  
“Sorry for what? Rolling your eyes, or fucking your boyfriend?” He said tightening his grip around my neck.  
“Negan I-“  
“You what?” He gripped my neck tighter still.  
“I fucked up…” I rasped.  
“You _did_. You did fuck up. So what should I do with you?” He asked.  
“Whatever you want.” I whispered and he chuckled deeply.

Suddenly, he used the weight of his body to push me into the wall, nearly knocking the wind out of me. I gasped when he shoved his knee between my legs and pinned my hands above my head. When our lips met, I became ravenous, and I couldn’t get enough of his tongue. We were back in square one, only this time, he was harder, rougher. He bit down on my lip making me moan into our kiss before he pulled away.

“You want more?” He asked taking hold of my jaw and hooking his thumb on my bottom teeth. I nodded desperately as I sucked it. “Yeah? Say it.” He ordered.  
“I want more.” I whispered.  
“You want more…” He waved his hand. His tone implying I hadn’t finished.  
“Please.” I said. 

His eyes lit up as he licked the corner of his mouth, savoring the sight of me begging. Then he ran a slow, steady hand down my arm, to my chest, lingered between my breasts, then down to tug at my waist band with a single finger. He looked up at me, biting his lip as he grinned, then released it. The tight fabric snapped back against my skin. I was practically dry humping his knee, my breath heavy with anticipation.

“Please…” I cooed.

He laughed softly before leaning down to kiss me again, while his free hand took hold of my ass and kneaded it. He smacked it before he spun me around, reached from behind and slipped in the front of my pants, making me shiver. He sunk his hand between my thighs and stroked up and down my slit before he hissed between his teeth.

“God _damn_ you're wet!” He laughed smugly. “Tell me, who are you wet for, dirty girl?” He asked, taking a firm hold of my hair and pulling it as he kissed my neck.  
“You…” I panted.  
“And who am I?” He asked, his beard and lips grazing my skin before he bit down on my earlobe.  
“Negan…” His name dripped from my lips.  
“That’s right.” He rewarded me by slicking his wet fingers over my clit. My knees nearly gave out as he hooked them inside me and swirled. “And who do you belong to?” He asked, drawing out the words.  
“Negan…” I moaned, losing any urge to resist him long ago.  
“Good girl. Come here.” He said.

I didn’t hesitate to follow his commands. Instead, I leaped into his arms and kissed him vigorously as he lifted me off my feet, and wrapped my legs around his waist. I took hold of his dark hair as he gripped my ass, and he carried me to my kitchen counter. He took a knee before me and removed his jacket, tossing it aside as he looked up at me. With one hand, he began peeling away my leggings, his other hand caressing my skin as he exposed it slowly. He looked so incredibly sexy between my legs.

“Now, I don’t kneel for fuckin’ anyone. So, you’re gonna make this up to me.” He said as he shoved my knees further apart, slapping the supple flesh of my thighs so hard I yelped. “I want you to say it good, and say it loud, so every fuckin’ person in this Sanctuary knows. So that your boy, David knows.” He plunged his fingers deep inside me and I groaned. “Who do you belong to?” He asked, flicking his thumb over my clit.  
“Negan…” I moaned and he quickened his pace, now using his tongue. “Negan! Oh god, Negan!” I cried out, my body trembling all over.

As my voice grew louder, he rewarded me with more and more. His tongue and fingers began moving and lapping me in ways I had never felt before as he devoured every drop of me. I took hold of the cabinet above me to steady myself as my insides began to quake and contract, spurting waves of ecstasy through every inch of me. I could feel the sensation building up with every stroke, every plunge, and I pleaded for him to continue, knowing at any second I would burst, but he stopped suddenly and grinned up at me mischievously.

“Should I? Do you deserve to cum?” He asked.  
“Please, Negan, please!” I begged.  
“Do you deserve to cum?” He asked again.  
“No…” I threw my head back, whining and out of breath.  
“That’s right. You _don’t_ deserve it.” He stood suddenly and wrapped his hand around my neck as he kissed my trembling lips.  
“Please…” I whimpered.  
“Are you sorry?” He asked, and I nodded, biting down on my lip. He slapped my clit, making my entire body jump. “Say, ‘yes sir’! Are you sorry?” He asked sternly, gripping my hair.  
“Yes sir!” I yelped.  
“I told you, no fucking boys! Are you gonna fuck him again?” He asked, spanking me so hard I recoiled.  
“No! No sir!” I cried out.  
“You belong to me! Say it!” He sunk his fingers deep inside me again and I arched my back in relief as he thrust them into me.  
“I belong to you! I belong to Negan!” I shook.  
“That’s right. Now I want you to cum. Do it now.” He demanded.

With his words alone, my body finally released, my heart nearly leaped from my chest. I reached a climax so intense I screamed out overhead, worshiping his name just the way he’d intended. Negan looked down, watching me writhing in pleasure as he licked his lips, grinning as his fingers slowed to a stop. When I came back down from my high, I slumped back into the cabinets and panted as my heart pounded in my chest.

“Come here. Clean up your mess.” Negan lifted his fingers, glazed and glistening. 

I sat up slowly and suckled my wetness from his fingertips as he watched me closely. When I was done, I looked up and couldn’t help but blush coyly. Negan almost reluctantly looked away and scoffed as he rolled his eyes. He smacked my cheek, as a gesture of some sort of condescending praise before he gathered his things and left without another word.

 

***

I woke up again a few hours later to the mid day sun shining across my face. The air in my room was thick and hot. Sitting up weakly, I began recollecting my thoughts. How had it happened so quickly? I had been so angry with him. I was still angry with him, and yet here I was, sore, sweating and still wet between my thighs. I peeled off the shirt and bra I’d been wearing since the night before and stood over my sink to wipe my body with a cool, wet cloth. I should have showered, but I could still smell him on me.

After cleaning myself off and changing into something fresher, I noticed the nearly full, opened beer Negan had left sitting on my kitchenette counter. For someone so resourceful, he sure was wasteful. I reached to pour the stale beer down the drain, but again, I wondered if I could still taste where his lips had been. I glanced over my shoulder, for who or what I wasn’t sure before I lifted the bottle to my mouth and sipped. Of course, it was warm and flat by now. It wasn’t the least bit refreshing, but I finished it anyway.


	8. Love Note

For the rest of the Sanctuary, the days had carried on as usual. The following morning as I made my rounds, everyone was busy with their usual routines and while it all should have felt normal enough, I couldn’t bring myself to join their pace. I kept losing myself in memories and daydreams of Negan’s and I’s encounter. I wanted more of him. If his mouth was that good, how talented was the rest of him? I blushed at the thought until suddenly, a Savior Negan had deemed ‘Fat Joey’ approached me. He was indeed plump, but I thought of him like a big teddy bear. Fluffy and huggable.

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you!” He said.  
“What for?” I asked.  
“Negan wants you to do some training today.” He said.  
“Come again?” I was sure I hadn’t heard him correctly.  
“He said you could use some work with a rifle?” He questioned.  
“Yeah, we might have had a slight incident…” I laughed, probably too hard.  
“Lucky for you, I’m pretty good with a rifle. I used to be a border patrol officer.” Joey nodded.  
“Border patrol? You?” I looked at him in disbelief. He seemed to kind a soul for that sort of job.  
“Yeah, not my proudest moment. What were you?” He asked.  
“Oh, I was just your regular ol’ secret service agent.” I lied and for a moment he chuckled.  
“You- You’re not serious are you?” Joey was so gullible. I couldn’t resist laughing as I threw an arm over his soft shoulder and he joined me.  
“Lead the way, Mr. President.” I said.  
“Hey, I’d believe almost anything these days.” He said.  
“You might wanna work on that.” I jokingly spoke from the side of my mouth.

We practiced for the next few days until sunset, but the time always seemed to fly by. I’d missed the feeling of holding a gun in my hands. By the time we were through with my training I’d gotten my aim back. It was something like riding a bike. While Joey took the guns back to the armory for the last time, I made my way inside for dinner.

I offered to cook for him as a thank you and he happily agreed. I had some rice and a few veggies, so I contemplated what spices I could add to give it some kind of interest. I always managed to make a decent meal even with minimal ingredients. It was a skill I’d acquired from years of being broke. As I tossed the medley up and out of the pan for an even sear over a shitty hot plate, I heard him knocking at my door.

“Come in!” I called. “I hope you like half-assed fried rice.”  
“Fried rice? Wow…” Joey chuckled.  
“Well… I guess you could call it that.” I said, serving two plates.  
“Smells great. Thanks.” He took a seat and I joined him.  
“What’s that?” I noticed an envelope in his chest pocket.  
“It’s a message from Negan.” He said.

While most women would be eager to receive a letter from their new lover, I was less than enthused. Negan was not your typical lover, and that was surely not your typical love note. Joey set the letter on the table and slid it toward me, but when it stopped just before me, I sat staring down at it like a jury summons.

“Thanks.” I said, setting the letter aside for later. “ -So here’s the true test.” I raised a fork full of my rice concoction. Joey gathered his own and together we had a taste. He grimaced at first and I winced apologetically.  
“I’m kidding, it’s great.” We laughed as he began chowing down.  
“You know you remind me of my big brother.” I said, and smiled at a memory.  
“Oh… Did he…?” He wasn’t sure how to word it delicately.  
“Well yes, but it wasn’t how you think. He died in a car accident when he was seventeen.” I said, my memory quickly falling grim.  
“I’m sorry.” Joey said kindly.  
“It’s okay.” I shook my head. “Better then, than now I suppose. Seems harsh to say, but it was easier to die then.” I poked at my plate.  
“You know, I actually had a little sister too.” He tried to change the subject.  
“Yeah?” I hoped he had a better story in mind.  
“Yeah, she’s… She didn’t die so easy I guess.” He awkwardly stared down at his plate. We sat in silence for a long moment, both at a loss for words. Both mourning a loved one.  
“Geez…” I huffed. “Thanks for the uplifting dinner conversation.”  
“Hey, you brought it up!” He flicked a grain of rice from his beard in my direction.  
“Gross!” I frowned as it stuck to my shoulder. We both laughed and for a short moment, I really did feel like I was talking to my brother again. The rest of dinner, we kept the conversation light. We even shared a few beers for dessert.

***

When Joey left, I began clearing off my dining table. As I gathered the dishes, I could see Negan’s letter from the corner of my eye, but I diverted as long as possible. I took my time cleaning each dish, drying it, putting it away neatly in its rightful place. By the time I was done, there was nothing left for me to tend to, but the elephant in the room.

I took a seat on my bed, turning the blank envelope in my hand. I nibbled my thumb as I stared down at it, tapping it anxiously on my knee. What could Negan possibly have to say that he couldn’t tell me in person? I carefully tore the envelope open, to find a note card tucked inside. The penmanship was small, clean, and sharp, but the words were monumental.

“ _Be downstairs at 8 AM sharp, Little Savior_.”

I leaped to my feet and squealed in delight, bouncing on the tips of my toes as I clutched the card to my chest. In a way, I was right. It wasn’t your typical love note. It was better. If Negan had been standing here I would have leapt in his arms and kissed him. He couldn’t have written anything more beautiful.

***

The following day I felt like a child, waking up on Christmas morning. I bounded downstairs to join the rest of the Saviors who had begun gathering outside the Sanctuary. It was a beautiful morning as if the day could get any better. It almost felt like a dream, until the moment I was issued a rifle of my own. I was savoring the weight of it in my hands when Negan joined us.

“Alright! Rub the sleep outta your eyes you lazy sons of bitches! It is _go_ time!” He declared, standing above us on the top of the Sanctuary’s steps, looking powerful and delicious.  
“Hey, boss. I’ve got everything in order for you. What’s the plan?” Simon approached holding a clipboard and a list of all those in attendance. He was such a kiss ass.  
“Let’s see who we’ve got here today…” Negan started calling out names and assigning them accordingly. 

I hadn’t seen him in several days, but now I couldn’t stop looking at him. As if the letter wasn’t enough, I suddenly recalled the way he looked between my legs. I tried to remain discrete as I watched him from the corner of my eye and prepped my rifle. It was warm this morning, so he’d opted for a plain white t-shirt, and my eyes couldn’t help but admire his tattooed arms. -Or the hard lines of his hips that peeked out when he adjusted his belt. I wanted to run my fingers down them.

“-And finally… You!” He turned and pointed his bat in my direction. I quickly shifted my gaze and hoped my face hadn’t visibly flushed as he made his way toward me.  
“Your cute ass is gonna go to a trade with me today.” He said and I lit up.  
“You’re not afraid I’ll shoot you?” I joked.  
“If you do, you’d better kill me.” He said, then came very close. Perhaps too close for onlookers. “How are you this morning, sweetness?” He licked the corner of his mouth.  
“Ready.” I nibbled my lip and resisted the urge to pull him into me. My god, I wanted him.  
“You gonna do what you’re told?” He asked, watching my mouth. His voice was soft but heavy.  
“I’ll do anything you want me to.” I said almost too provocatively. 

We stared into each other for a long moment, both resisting the urge to devour each other there in front of everyone. I could feel the desire whipping across my skin. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw David approaching.

I panicked slightly, hoping he hadn’t noticed the fire between Negan and myself. After telling him I wanted to be taken seriously as a Savior, how could I even begin to explain to him that I was fooling around with Negan himself? I took a step back to create distance, then smiled and waved as casually as possible, but it felt stiff and unnatural.

Unfortunately, Negan followed my gaze and turned just in time to see David return the gesture with an overly friendly wink. He turned back to me with a dark, forbidding look in his eyes. While I thought I’d made up for my transgressions, I feared David wouldn’t be so lucky.

“Shall we call your friend over?” Negan asked in a threatening tone.  
“No, he’s oblivious. It’s best we leave it that way.” I tried to remain calm, but Negan seemed to take note of my hands that were now stuffed anxiously in my pockets.  
“I was talking about your other friend.” He said.  
“What-”  
“-Fat Joey!” He called out suddenly and I jumped.  
“Jesus…” I sighed.  
“Why so jittery?” He laughed.  
“I’m not jittery.” I scoffed.  
“Fat Joey, what the hell took you so damn long?” He asked, and I furrowed my brows. I’d always hated that Negan called him that.  
“Sir?” Joey panted as he joined us.  
“Where the hell have you been you idiot?” He asked.  
“I-I was just finishing up at the armory.” He stuttered.  
“You couldn’t waddle any faster?” He continued teasing him.  
“Give him a break, Negan.” I chimed.  
“Hey, the big boys are talking.” He lifted a hand to silence me before continuing with Joey, and I glared at his brute gesture. “You’re on outpost B for today-”  
“Such a jerk…” I mumbled as he went on, but instantly regretted it.  
“-What the fuck did you just say?” Negan stopped and pointed his bat in my face.  
“Nothing.” I flinched.  
“ _Correction_! Fat Joey is on trade today, and _you_ go to outpost B.” He revised.  
“But!-“ I began to argue.  
“No!” He stopped me. “You! Outpost! B!” He pointed to the truck behind me. 

I clenched my fists and growled, but knew better than to argue anymore. Instead I stomped to the truck and hopped on the tailgate, pouting. My Christmas morning was quickly falling apart. Joey shrugged at me, mouthing ‘sorry’, but when he caught eyes with Negan again he quickly scurried off to his duties.

“Alright everybody!” Negan turned to me with a devilish grin, lifted two fingers in the air and twirled them suggestively as he licked his lips. “Let’s roll out!” The others didn’t seem to notice or care what he was insinuating, but I certainly did. I shot him a look of disgust as the truck pulled away and he laughed as he watched me go.

***

I spent the next twelve hours at outpost B, which was basically just a glorified tree house. It was stocked and furnished enough to survive, but it was no vacation. I’d rather just be stuck in my room again. I wondered what kind of adventures I might have missed out on as I sat by the window watching a few stray walkers through my scope. I was tempted to shoot them, just for the thrill of it, but I knew better. The noise would only draw unwanted attention. A moment later I was startled by the scratch of the transceiver, followed by a bird like whistling.

“Liiiiittle Biiiiiiiird.” Negan’s deep voice called. I glared at the receiver, and crossed my arms, refusing to answer. “Come on now, Little Bird. I know you’re up there, and I’m comin’ to getcha.” He said.

I sat there fuming in silence for a while before I heard his boots stomping up the steps and he paused at the door. Trying to look unfazed, I grabbed a random book beside me and flipped to a random page, holding it in front of my face like some sort of shield. The door swung open, and I could feel his eyes burning through the worn pages before me.

“Whatcha readin’?” He chuckled.  
“Nothing.” I tossed the book away irritably.  
“How’s your first day as a Savior treating you?” He teased and laughed to himself as he set his bat aside and slowly crossed the room. I didn’t bother responding, but simply crossed my arms defiantly. “‘You’re such a jerk.’ Did I hear that shit right?” He asked, squatting in front of me.  
“Look, I’m sorry. Okay? It just slipped.” I sighed.  
“It just slipped?” He repeated.  
“I’m sorry.” I said.  
“Sorry darlin’, but sorry’s just not gonna fuckin’ cut it this time. You see, talkin’ shit to me is one thing, but talkin’ shit to me in front of my Saviors? Well, that’s a fuckin’ problem. -And on the very same fuckin’ day I allowed you join us? No. Fuckin’. Ma’am.” He tapped my nose and I pulled away. “You want to be a Savior, then you will be punished like a Savior.” He said.  
“Oh! Is this not my punishment?” I motioned around the dull room, my tone bright with pseudo enthusiasm.  
“No, baby. Surely you didn’t think you’d get off that easy.” He laughed and picked up a red apple from the table, then sat down in the chair before me. He then reached into my boot, lingering more than necessary, and slowly pulled out my knife to cut himself a slice. “Oh, can I borrow this?” He grinned as he took a bite, crossing his long legs.  
“You ask me questions like I ever have a choice in the matter.” I said.  
“You’re right, you don’t.” He laughed as he continued slicing another piece. I couldn’t help but notice the flex of his strong jaw, or the way his tongue flicked off the edge of the blade. Despite everything, I still wanted him. So before he proposed his punishment, I proposed something better.  
“You know, I can think of a way to make it up to you.” I said sitting up on my knees and fiddling with the frayed hem of my shorts.  
“Is that right?” He asked. 

His heavy eyes flicked down at me and away from his busy hands, and while his expression remained well composed, I could tell his interest was peaked. He set my knife, and his apple aside and clapped his palms clean as he licked his teeth. Then in a calm and controlled motion, he eased back in his seat, crossed his legs at the knee, and draped a long arm over the back of his chair. All the while, maintaining an intense hold of eye contact.

“Well?” He motioned for me to continue. 

I lowered myself onto my hands and knees and crawled slowly toward him. His eyes deepened with lust as he watched me closely and patiently. With his other arm lying casually over his lap, his hand dangled off his knee, like fruit hanging ripe on a vine. I hungrily licked my lips before slipping one of his long fingers into my mouth. Negan smiled widely and laughed as he watched me savoring the taste of his skin.

“My you are a _resourceful_ little thing aren’t you?” He tugged my lip down with his thumb.

With his large hand, he lifted my chin to look into his molten eyes and my face became hot as he gripped my jaw. He leaned over and took my lips with his own. I could still taste the crisp apple on his tongue. As we carried on I wanted to climb into his arms, but he pulled away and stood dominantly above me. 

“Use your teeth.” He motioned toward his belt. Already I could see a significant lump in his pants.

Kneeling at his feet, I began nibbling and tugging at the tough leather. Negan watched me as he reached down and pulled my hair loose, allowing my dark waves to cascade down my back. When I finally managed to unlatch the buckle, I eagerly yanked his pants down. I pulled the waistband away and watched as the length of him spring out and into my face. For a moment, I was taken aback by the size of him.

I tried easing into it, glancing up as I ran my tongue down his shaft, then back up again, and flicked off the tip. As I repeated the same slow motion, I reached up to grab ahold of his girth, but he batted my hand away.

“Put your hands behind your back.” He said sternly and I obeyed.

I took his head between my lips, and eased forward two inches or so. Already my mouth was full, so I opened wider and managed half way before slipping him back out again. 

“Deeper. Open that big ass mouth.” He demanded.

I hesitated, but he grabbed my jaw and plunged his cock back in between my lips, using his other hand to grip the back of my head. I swallowed him further this time, and he groaned deeply as he watched me struggling at his feet. When I pulled away for a breath, he grabbed me tightly by my hair and pulled me in again. I knew he was hoping to gag me, so I glared up in defiance, but his length was too much and my eyes began to water. I coughed and my throat constricted in protest before he released me. As I gasped for air, my spit dribbled thickly down my chin and he laughed.

“Attagirl!” He slapped my cheek, as he praised me.

He only allowed me a single breath before plunging down my throat again. Something about his rough play excited me, and I felt myself growing wet between my legs. As he went on, I got used to the sensation. I was able to quicken my pace, and I could feel him shivering above me. It excited me and pushed me further, and soon I was able to swallow his cock almost entirely. He had to grip the table to keep his balance as his face hardened and brows furrowed with pleasure until finally, I felt him jerk. He let out a long, rich groan as he throbbed and erupted, filling my mouth and the back of my throat. The taste of him made my blood hot, so I swallowed his sweet release before sucking any remanence from his tip. 

“Hooolyyy _shit_!” He exclaimed as he took a seat and sighed. I couldn’t resist a smile as I wiped myself clean, then gazed up at him as I rested my arms and head in his lap.  
“That mouth is good for something! Dirty girl, I am impressed! You are better than any of my wives!” He said running his thumb along my swollen mouth.  
“So… Did I make up for it?” I said as I kissed his fingertips. He stared into my eyes with a devilish look and chuckled to himself.  
“Not quite.” He said pulling away and buttoning his pants.  
“What?” I growled.  
“If I made it as easy as blowing your way out of trouble, I would never get anything done and you’d get fuckin lock jaw. So, I’m putting you on suspension for two weeks from any off-site jobs until you can learn to keep your god damn mouth shut.” He said refastening his belt casually, and I became so angry I began to shake.  
“You scheming son of a bitch! You knew the whole time!” I shouted. 

He said something, but I couldn’t hear him past the ringing in my ears. I could feel myself boiling over. I grabbed my knife he’d left sitting on the table and growled as I stabbed it into the weathered wood before storming out. Too angry to think to bring it with me.

It was dark now, and the summer air had gotten cooler, so I made my way back to the road toward The Sanctuary. It was a good two, maybe three miles away, but I didn’t care. I had to get as far away from there as possible. I heard Negan start up his truck and begin cruising slowly beside me. He whistled at me, but I stared dead ahead.

“Where are you going?” He asked casually, driving with his knees as he worked on the apple he’d started before.  
“I’m going back to the Sanctuary!” I hissed.  
“What? You’re gonna walk all the way there?” He laughed, but I didn’t respond. “Don’t be stupid. Get in the truck.” He said sounding bored of my outburst.  
“No.” I kept walking.  
“You’re gonna die out here. Get in the truck.” He sighed.  
“Fuck you!” I shouted now, losing my patience.  
“Get in the god damn truck!” Apparently, he had too.

Our bickering alerted a stray walker just off the edge of the road, and it came stumbling out a little ways ahead of me. It began limping and hissing its way toward me, so I stopped, but still refused to get in.

“Give me my knife.” I demanded.  
“Nope.” He said, cutting himself another slice.  
“Give it to me!” I sounded like a bickering child now, to which we didn’t respond. 

He simply looked over toward the walker, then back at me in anticipation. The safe distance was closing. I glanced down and saw his bat leaning across the bench seat of his truck, so I hopped into the window and snatched it. It was a stupid move maybe, but I was so enraged that I didn’t care. I stormed toward the walker and used the weight of the bat to swing for its legs. There was a loud crack before it fell to the ground. Before it could get up again I smashed it repeatedly in the head, splattering its rotten skull across the pavement and continued even after the growling and hissing stopped.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Negan shouted, suddenly lifting me off my feet and yanking his bat from my hands. He carried me kicking and screaming and threw me into the truck before he pinned me down.  
“Nobody touches my god damn bat! Now you are in _deep_ fuckin’ shit!” He shouted.  
“Fuck you!” I got a hand free and slapped him hard across the face. 

His eyes darkened with rage as he lifted his bat aggressively to my face. I flinched and turned away when I saw my knife on the floor board. I snatched it up and held the blade to his throat and we froze for a moment before he laughed menacingly.

“Oh, you’re gonna kill me huh? Go ahead. Do it. I fuckin’ dare you.” He growled, his eyes burning into mine. My hand began to shake, so I clutched it tighter.  
“Do it!” He shouted and I jumped, nicking him slightly but he didn't budge.  
“God, I hate you!” I groaned, dropping the knife.

My panting bordered on sobbing and I resisted the tears that gathered, gritting my teeth. He lowered his bat and I felt his grip loosen as he watched a single tear escape the corner of my eye. I shoved him away and curled up in the corner of the truck as I took a moment to compose myself and slow my breathing. 

“Take me home. Now.” I said firmly.

He said nothing as he started up the truck, and we were silent for the entire drive back to the Sanctuary. I knew the moment I’d grabbed the knife, I couldn’t kill him. Just as I knew he couldn’t kill me. I also knew that as angry as he made me, I didn’t hate him, but at this very moment, trapped in the turmoil of this truck, I couldn’t get far enough away from him.

When we finally arrived, I leaped out before he’d even fully braked. As I rushed toward the Sanctuary doors, I could hear his foot steps following behind me. He caught up easily with his long strides. I wanted to shout and tell him to go, but I could feel my throat tightening again. As I reached for the doors, I heard him stop.

“Lucille.” He said wistfully. He had never called me by my name before and it stopped my heart. I stared down at my feet in silence, waiting for him to speak.  
“I would never hurt you. You know that, right?” His deep voice tugged at me, and I felt myself soften for a moment, but I stopped and turned to him glaring.  
“Don’t bother, Negan. The only reason you can’t hurt me is because I already know what to expect.” I said.

He stared at me for a long moment before turning his face away, hiding some expression I couldn’t make out in the darkness. For once, he didn’t have an argument. So without another word, I walked away, and for once, he let me go.


	9. The Drinking Game

I should have known from the beginning that it was better to turn and run, but there was something about Negan that lured me in. In my anger, I told him I hated him, but I didn’t hate him. In fact, I had actually grown to care about him to some extent, probably more than I should have, and definitely, more than he cared about me. I was just another young and naive girl for him to have his way with. 

For the next couple of days when I laid in bed at night, I stared out the window at nothing, and everything. My mind moving too quickly for me to rest. Eventually, I got used to the sound of birds at dawn before I ever found rest.

I woke late one morning to my stomach growling. I hadn’t had much of an appetite, so I decided to force myself out of bed. I looked through my mini fridge but didn’t feel like making anything. So I tied my hair in a sloppy bun, threw on some comfortable clothes and made my way downstairs to visit the vendors. Everyone was busy as usual, and the sleep deprivation made it so it all seemed to rush by me.

I opted for stew and bread and took it to an empty table in the cafeteria. While picking at the bread I stared listlessly into my bowl, waiting for it to cool. I’d gotten so lost in my thoughts again that I was startled when Joey took a seat across from me.

“Jesus, are you ok? You look shitty.” He teased.  
“Gee thanks…” I huffed tossing a piece of bread back on my plate.  
“Did something happen with Negan?” He asked. I flushed and obstructed with a long sip of water.  
“No. Why? What do you mean?” I rasped.  
“You pissed him off yesterday. Honestly, I’m surprised you’re not dead as much shit as you talk to him.” He chuckled and I relaxed realizing he didn’t have a clue.  
“Well I’m not dead, but I am suspended.” I sighed.  
“Suspended? That’s it?” He said looking surprised.  
“Oh, I’m sorry, were you hoping for harsher punishment?” I scoffed.  
“No, I’m just saying, it could be worse. Think of it like a vacation.” He said.  
“No, a vacation would require the ability to leave or travel and see new and exciting things. I’m just stuck in the same four walls.” I motioned around the room.  
“Well, it’s no vacation out there either, you know. At least in here, it’s safe.” He said.   
“Yeah, sure.” I rolled my eyes thinking the only thing more dangerous than going outside, was the snake that was dwelling here. “So how are you? How was your morning?” I asked, hoping to change the subject. 

Joey continued as I’d hoped, but I was easily distracted when I spotted Negan coming down the stairs, bantering with his right-hand man, Simon as usual. It seemed his mood and pace weren’t the least bit phased. He looked handsome as ever. Feeling and looking as awful as I did, it was a real blow to my pride. My body shrunk as stared into my stew again. I couldn’t let him see me.

“…It was a pretty good start over all though.” Joey finished, but I hadn’t heard a word.  
“That’s good. -Listen, I think I’m gonna take this upstairs. Do you mind?” I asked, rather frantically gathering my things while glancing up, hoping Negan wouldn’t notice.  
“Uh yeah, sure. Do you need some help?” Joey stood.  
“No, no I’m fine. I’m just-“ In my haste, I stumbled from my seat, and tipped my tray, spilling stew across the table. “God dammit!” I fussed slamming the rest of my tray down in frustration.

The commotion caused the floor to turn its attention directly on me for what felt like a lifetime. I looked up and caught eyes with Negan, but his expression remained mostly neutral. He turned back to some Saviors and carried on with his business. Somehow his lack of reaction hurt worse.

“Hey, it’s cool. I’ll grab a custodian.“ Joey said.  
“Thanks. Joey, I have to go.” I rushed away, leaving a mess in my wake. 

I heard Joey call for me, but I kept going. If I’d stayed for another second of embarrassment, I might have burst into tears. The only way the situation could have gotten any more disastrous. 

I had to pass Negan on my way upstairs, but I kept my eyes forward and my arms wrapped tightly and protectively around my chest. I could have sworn the air got heavier and I began to feel light headed as I edged passed him. He didn’t turn to face me, but at a glance, I could see his shoulders tense. When I finally turned the corner, out of his view, I was able to catch my breath again. I spent the rest of the day locked safely in my room.

***

After Negan’s lack of concern, I decided I could no longer waste another minute thinking about him. I had to force myself back to life. Though my suspension was a major set back, there was plenty of work for me to catch up on in the infirmary. I hadn’t seen Dr. Bran in nearly two weeks, and it would be refreshing to be around someone more mentally stable and predictable. So I packed two lunches and headed for the infirmary. He was sitting at his desk reading as usual when I entered the room.

“Hi there!” I pulled two sandwiches from my bag grinning. My veggie sandwiches were his favorite.  
“Hello stranger.” He smiled revealing his teeth. A rare sight compared to his usual tight lipped smirk, but something else was off. He looked tired, his eyes lacking their usual color. It hadn’t been that long, but I could swear he’d aged while I was gone.  
“How are you doing?” I asked, trying not to appear too concerned.   
“Well enough.” He said vaguely.  
“You’re working too hard.” I said.  
“So are you.” He said.  
“Well then let’s take a break for a minute, Doc.” I said tossing a sandwich on his desk, as well as a water and some kettle chips.  
“You’ve brought a feast.” He chuckled.  
“Yeah, I figured I owed you one. I’ve been… busy.” I sighed.  
“It must be hard working under Negan.” He said.  
“Well, technically we all do.” I shrugged, avoiding the subject. I could tell Dr Bran thought it an unusual response. “I’ve been suspended.” I admitted.  
“Suspended?” He inquired.  
“Yeah, I guess I lip off a little too much.” I said.  
“That’s not news.” He chuckled.   
“It’s hard not to! He’s such a- You know what? Let me just stop there. That’s what got me here in the first place.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Are you happy?” Dr. Bran asked.  
“Well…” I paused as I thought. “Most of the time I am. -But when it’s bad, it’s…Eesh…” I made a face. Then I realized I was talking like I was describing an actual relationship and grimaced.  
“You’re strong enough to handle it and smart enough to leave if you can’t.” He said.  
“Am I?” I scoffed.  
“You are. -And if you decide to change your mind, you always have a place here. Remember, nurses are saviors too.” He smiled.  
“Did you just make a pun?” I laughed in disbelief, holding my hand to my mouth to contain my sandwich. Dr. Bran simply laughed as he continued with his lunch, back to his quiet self. He was a man of few words, but they were wise.

***

After a few hours in the infirmary, I left for the day and shopped at the Sanctuary’s vendors. I grabbed the necessities, then made my way over to the bonus loot. There I found a new record player. I was suddenly reminded of the day in Negan’s room, where he’d allowed me to peruse his own collection. I’d almost thought of it fondly before I forced myself back to reality. 

Still, I’d enjoyed the classic, crackling sound of vinyl even more than the quality of more current options. So I snagged the turn table and a few of the record options that accompanied it. They were limited, but I found a few hidden gems. Janis Joplin, The Cure, Depeche Mode, all greatest hits albums.

When I got back to my room, I set the record player on a small side table beside my bed and inspected it. It was a bit dusty but seemed to be in good shape. So taking great care not to damage it, I wiped it clean. I carefully slipped a random vinyl from its case and placed it inside, then gently placed the needle on its slick black surface. I mentally crossed my fingers as I flipped the on switch and was pleased to hear Robert Smith’s familiar whimpering voice. It seemed to be in tip top shape. 

For the next few days, the record player loyally filled the silence of my room. I often fell asleep to it. One night, as Janis Joplin’s ‘Piece of my heart’ lulled me to sleep, I suddenly realized, stupid as it was, I missed Negan.

***

On the last night of my suspension, I sat silently deciding which of my three albums I’d grown the least tired of while wrapping my hair in a high messy bun but froze when I heard footsteps approach my door. There was a pause, then the sound of something being slid beneath it. I sat motionless until I heard the footsteps depart again.

I tip toed over to find a new record, gift wrapped in brown parchment paper. Once I might have wondered how he’d known I’d gotten a record player at all, but it was Negan. Of course he knew. A part of me was pleased to know he was still keeping such a close eye on me. When I picked it up I noticed Negan’s clean and familiar penmanship written across the front, ‘Something for you to dance to’ it said.

I carefully picked away the scotch tape binding it, then slowly peeled away the brown paper. It was David Bowie. It seemed he recalled that day in his room as well. I was beaming as I ran my fingers over the cover. I felt the urge to go to him, but the thought made my heart stop. I realized, I had no idea what I would say. What we had been wasn’t even definable. The reality was, I hardly knew him and what I did know for sure was he was an asshole. -But this. Coming from him, this small gesture was substantial and sweet.

My gaze fell to my bare feet, and right beside them, was Janis Joplin’s greatest hits. She’d reminded me how much I missed him. So I snatched a yellow post it and with a red felt tip pen, I jotted the words, “Side 1 Track 1”. I frowned at my handwriting. It was far less polished, but I slapped it on regardless and rushed out my door before I lost my nerve. 

The Sanctuary was unsettling at night, and the air was much cooler in the empty corridors I realized. I was regretting not grabbing any shoes as my bare feet patted over the cold floors and I clutched the album to my chest. I didn’t feel safe until I reached Negan’s wing of the factory. Odd, I thought, considering he was the biggest threat to my well being. Once I finally reached his door, I stood tapping my toes for a long moment, trying to gain back my nerve. I looked down at the album in my arms and nervously chewed my thumb nail, contemplating whether to reach out or not. What the hell was I doing?

After a deep breath, I bit the bullet and slipped it under the door. I twirled back around and was ready to run the other way, but stopped myself to listen. I heard movement inside and began pacing anxiously, wrapping and wringing my hands through the front of my oversized t-shirt. Then I heard the muffled sound of familiar riffs and heavy bass, followed by Janis Joplin’s raspy crooning. He made it through the first chorus before I began pacing and wringing my shirt again. 

Suddenly, his door swung open, and I froze in my tracks. He was standing shirtless, looking devastatingly sexy before he snatched my arm and yanked me inside. He kicked his door shut as we kissed each other fiercely, stumbling back and running into the turn table. There was a loud distorted scratch when we knocked the needle off course and I cringed.

“Shit!” I shoved him away and pulled the record out to check it for damage.  
“Really?” He complained, reaching into the front of his pants to adjust himself.  
“That was all a bit over the top anyway, don’t you think?” I raised my brow, inspecting it in the light. He couldn’t help but laugh. We were no motion picture romance after all. “Well side one is ruined…” I whimpered and snapped my teeth as I caressed the long scratch with my finger, like a mother inspecting her baby’s wound. He snatched it from me before tossing it aside, and I gaped despairingly at it’s remains as it clipped off the wall and shattered on the floor.  
“Relax, you can have mine.” He said.  
“And I can keep Bowie?” I bartered.  
“Yes, now get the fuck over here.” He grabbed me by the hips and kissed my neck. I shivered at the sensation, and nearly fell for his touch again before I squirmed away.  
“Wait, we have to talk about this.” I said.  
“Oh my fucking god… _What_?” He groaned and rolled his eyes.  
“This! Us! What the hell is this?” I motioned between us.  
“Uh… We’re fucking.” He said as if it were obvious.  
“Uh, actually no, we’re not. We’ve never actually had sex. I just blew you before you fucked me in the non-literal sense.” I corrected.  
“Hey! I ate your pussy first.” He threw his arms up.  
“Ok, this isn’t a contest! Jesus, what am I doing here?” I grabbed my head in frustration.  
“What do you want? You want a fuckin’ date or something? Sure I’ll fuckin’ drive you to town for a fuckin’ five-star steak!” He said sarcastically as he slipped on a shirt, now knowing sex was out of the question.  
“Don’t be a jerk.” I rolled my eyes and he looked as if he were about to scold me, but stopped himself.  
“Ok… What do you want? Tell me what you want.” He grabbed my shoulders and drew out the words.   
“I want you to talk to me like a real person for a minute.” I said.  
“What the fuck does that even mean?” He growled, running a hand roughly through his hair.

Then I realized, he was just as lost as I was. He didn’t have any answers, he wasn’t the end all be all, and this made him uncomfortable. I had to admit, I rather enjoyed knowing I wasn’t the only one toiling, but I could tell he was genuinely trying to understand. 

I wondered if he’d been trapped in playing the role of Negan, leader of the Sanctuary, for so long that he’d forgotten how to be anything else. And as much of an ass as he seemed, he wasn’t wrong either. We no longer lived in a world of first dates like dinner and movie. So I came up with something better. I grabbed a random album from the shelf and shoved it in his chest.

“Just shut up and put this on. Do you have whiskey?” I asked.  
“God, I want to bite that fuckin tongue when you talk to me like that.” He gritted his teeth as he took hold of my hips.  
“Do you have whiskey?” I repeated, refusing to fall for his touch despite the way it made my stomach flip.  
“It’s at the fuckin’ bar, obviously.” He pointed across the room.  
“Oh, of course, because we’re all allotted such luxuries.” I said sarcastically, making my way through his overly extravagant decor.

I snatched a nearly full bottle of Jameson and two glasses, then made my way to his cozy seating area. A moment later I was pleased to hear BB King playing before Negan sighed and joined me.

“Now what?” He said sinking down on the couch across from me, resting his arms on across the back.  
“We’re gonna play a game.” I said as I poured the drinks. Negan watched me skeptically.  
“Huh.” He grunted but didn’t protest.  
“We’re going to take turns asking questions, and if you choose not to answer, you take a shot.” I lifted my glass for a toast. 

He hesitated, thinking it over his head, then clanked his glass with mine, accepting the challenge and I smiled widely. We took the first shot as an unspoken prerequisite, and I grimaced and shivered as my body adjusted to the burn. Negan didn’t flinch, and he laughed as he filled our cups once more.

“I bet you’re a light weight.” He smirked.  
“It doesn’t take much.” I said.  
“Then why are you doing this?” He asked.  
“-Because I want answers and I know you won’t willingly tell me anything. I figure if you get drunk, you’re bound to let something slip.” I shrugged.  
“This is a dangerous game you’re playing.” He grinned.  
“I clearly have a weakness for them. So, about our fight… Are you sorry?” I asked, leaping right in with a question I knew he had too much pride to answer.

He drank.

“When you were here with me last, you told me your daddy did you wrong. What did he do?” He asked strategically, knowing I wouldn’t answer either.

I drank. 

“Not drunk enough for that yet.” I coughed. “How old are you?” I asked.  
“Fifty.” He lifted the corner of his mouth into a crooked smile. “Have you always liked older men?” He asked.  
“Not particularly.” I said. “Have you always liked younger women?” I countered.  
“Not specifically. Do you like that I’m old enough to be your daddy?” He grinned mischievously.  
“I’m not dignifying that with a response.” He laughed.

I drank, and now I was already a shot behind. Considering our significant height difference I was falling behind quickly.

“When was the last time you slept with your wives?” I asked, upping the ante. 

He drank.

“Did you enjoy fucking David?” He asked. I couldn’t afford another shot if I wanted to keep up, so I swallowed my pride instead.  
“It was fine, but it wasn’t… rough enough.” I admitted.  
“What a pussy.” He laughed smugly.  
“Are you rough with your wives?” I asked, expecting him to drink.  
“Sure, but none of them get me going quite like you do.” He winked and I resisted my blushing smile. “You ever think of me when you rub one out?” He asked with a mischievous grin.  
“God really?…” I cupped my hands over my reddening face.

I drank if for nothing else but my dignity.

“Oh! You fuckin’ perv! I should feel violated right now! Or were you the one being violated? Tell me about it.” He teased relentlessly.  
“No! First of all, it’s not your turn. -And second of all, this isn’t that kind of drinking game. You’re trying to distract me from the point.” I pointed accusingly.  
“Fine. Get to the fucking point.” He sighed.  
“Are you ever going to let me join the other Saviors for a real job?” I asked  
“That’s up to you darlin’. Don’t think I’m not trying. I issued you a fuckin’ rifle and invited you to go on a run with me, then you fucked up and ended up at an outpost with my dick down your throat.” He said crudely.  
“You’re such an asshole.” I mumbled.  
“A bigger asshole than your daddy?” He asked.  
“Why do you keep asking about my father?” I sighed in frustration.  
“Because you can tell a lot about a woman by how she talks about her father. Are you gonna tell me about him?” Negan may have been a bit buzzed, but he was clever and I was drunk, so I answered.  
“My father had good taste in music, but he was a selfish, hateful, neglectful alcoholic who beat my mother. -And it looks like I might be falling down a similar fucked up rabbit hole, so… I guess there’s something to your theory.” I slurred.  
“Hey now, I may be a monster, but I’m not _that_ kind of monster.” He said.  
“Can you blame me for thinking you might be?” I asked.  
“No, I suppose I can’t blame you for that. -But if you’re so sure that I might be, why do you push so many of my fuckin’ buttons?” He asked.  
“I dunno… Because I’m not afraid to talk back anymore… Because I’m not scared… Because I’m not weak like my mother was… And read into it what you will but the more I talk shit, the rougher you are with me and I like that.” I admitted. 

I had expected Negan to tease me, or crack some sort of dirty joke, but instead, he was silent as he dissected my answer. In that moment I realized my plan was backfiring. The only one spilling anything was me. So I asked another question I knew he wouldn’t answer.

“What were your parents like?” I asked and he simply laughed.

He drank.

“There you go Little Bird. The scores even. -But I think it’s time you admit you’re losing this game. So why don’t you just cut to the fuckin’ chase and tell me what you were hoping to gain from all this?” He asked.  
“I guess was hoping to catch a glimpse of your nice side.” I said.  
“Baby, I’m not a nice man.” He said honestly.  
“God, I know you’re not.” I rolled my eyes knowing all too well. “-But you’re also like… You’re not just this like …two dimensional character either. You know? You’re not a cartoon villain, you’re a person and you feel real things. I mean, don’t you?” I asked.  
“Yeah brainiac, I do.” He laughed.  
“So then why is it so hard for you to open up to me? This whole time, I’ve been opening up to you, but you just refuse to give me anything.” I said, and there was another long pause before he spoke.  
“Lucille, if I get too close to you, someone’s gonna get hurt.” He said.  
“It couldn’t be any worse than the world ending.” I lied.

As tipsy as I was, I knew he was right, but I didn’t care. I wanted to kiss him, knowing I would only grow more fond of him, knowing he wouldn’t allow himself to grow fond of me. Then as if right on cue, like a motion picture, BB King’s ‘Lucille’ began to play. So I did the next best thing according to my drunken mind.

“Dance with me.” I said.  
“Are you kidding?” He scoffed.  
“Come on. Be nice. Just this once.” I took his hand and pulled him from his seat.

He was reluctant at first, but as the song went on, he softened. We began to sway to the slow beat, while his hands ran from my waist and came to rest on my low back. He twirled me and I laughed as I dizzily stumbled back into his arms. Then he lifted my hands above my head, and strummed his fingers in time on my ribs and belly, playing me like a guitar. He stopped just below my breasts and I giggled coyly, allowing his hands to linger where they pleased. We stopped and he twirled me again, taking care to wrap his arms around me so I wouldn’t stumble again. The sexy, bluesy beat tempted us to carry on.

“Just kiss me.” I whispered, losing any sense of self-preservation long ago.

He did, but this time it was different. It started sweeter and softer, more affectionate, than lustful. As we continued, he ran his hands through my hair, before they came to rest on either side of my neck. His tongue grazed my lips and I felt my body heating up. It didn’t take much for me to lose control. I moaned as I slipped my fingers into his belt loops and pulled his hips into me.

“Fuck me.” I whispered.  
“Fuck sake girl! I can’t do that right now.” He pulled away.  
“What? Why? Are you too drunk?” I frowned and he grew irritated.  
“What the fuck? No! _You_ are.” He corrected.  
“No! I’m fine!” I lied.  
“Actually, you’re shit faced.” He said as I tip toed to kiss him once more. He returned the gesture with a peck, but turned away again. So I began kissing his neck instead.  
“Stop it. Hey. Hey!” He suddenly lifted me off my feet and I squealed. “That’s enough, it’s time for bed. Jesus, you’re blue ballin' the shit outta me tonight.” He said, tossing me down on his bed.  
“I’m not sleepy.” I nuzzled his pillow.  
“Go to bed.” He yanked away the comforter and grabbed a pillow.  
“Where are you going? Come sleep here with me.” I whined as he prepared a couch and turned out the lights and turn table.  
“Go to bed.” He repeated, laying down. 

I groaned as I fell back in the sheets, and it wasn’t much longer before my eyes got heavy. With what little energy I had left, I turned to him. He was laying with his back to me, the moonlight reflecting off his dark hair and tattooed skin. I'd missed him.

“Negan…” I called softly.  
“What?” He mumbled sleepily.  
“About that night when we fought... I'm sorry I told you I hated you. -And I know you would never hurt me.” I said, and there was a long silence.  
“I will if you don’t go the fuck to sleep.” He lied.  
“G’night.” I smiled as I nuzzled into his pillow once more. It smelled just like him.


	10. The First Time

The following morning I woke up with a pounding headache and a ringing in my ears. As I rubbed my eyes and came to, I realized I wasn’t in my bed and I sat up suddenly. I frantically patted myself down feeling for clothing and was relieved to find I was dressed.

“Mornin’ sunshine.” Negan chuckled. He was fully dressed for the day, holding a cup of coffee as he looked through his record collection.  
“Oh my god…” I groaned and shamefully cupped my face in my hands as I folded over. I felt dizzy.  
“Relax, I still haven’t seen your tits yet.” He said sounding disappointed, and I raised my brows rather surprised that he hadn’t.  
“I need a shower.” I said, my voice muffled in my lap.  
“Use mine. There’s aspirin in the cabinet.” He pointed the way.

I gladly accepted his offer and rushed by without another word. I needed to collect my thoughts and memories before I dealt with him.

His bathroom was as extravagant as the rest of his room, as obnoxious as it was of him, I had to admit it was a nice change of pace from the infirmary’s shower. I found the aspirin, took two, then stood beneath the water, staring blankly. I began to slowly recollect the info I’d gathered the evening before, listing it in my head.

He was fifty. He was smart and sexy with good taste in music and a perfect smile. He was a good dancer and a better kisser. He was meticulously respectful of consensual boundaries. He was probably a lady killer before he was a literal killer. He had wives. He had wives he had definitely slept with recently. He was an asshole. -But not always.

I realized I was probably taking too long, so I finished up quickly and got out, wrapping a large black robe around myself before stepping out. Al Green’s ‘I Can’t Get Next To You’ was playing faintly.

“There’s a change of clothes for you on the bed.” Negan said. I crossed the room to find one of his white t-shirts and a pair of women’s underwear.  
“Who’s are these?” I held them up on a single finger looking disgusted.  
“No ones. They’re new.” He said.  
“You keep a stash of women’s underwear?” I raised a brow.  
“I find it comes in handy quite often.” He grinned. 

I glared as I turned my back to slip the underwear on beneath the robe, then hesitated before removing it and slipping on his shirt. For a brief moment I was standing with nothing but underwear to shield me and I could feel his eyes on my exposed back. When I turned to face him once more, he showed no discretion.

“So close.” He smirked.  
“Yes well, you have many others to satiate that appetite.” I slapped a palm to his chest, maybe a little harder than necessary. He gripped my wrist firmly as he stared deeply into my eyes, and I felt a flutter inside me. I was sure I was flushing when he placed a cup of coffee in my hand and released me.  
“Thank you.” I said breathlessly taking a seat on the couch. “So my suspension is over.” I mentioned, taking a sip. I was rather impressed by his brew. It had been so long since I’d had a good cup of coffee. All I had was the instant stuff.  
“It certainly is.” He said, refilling his own cup.  
“So, what’s the job today?” I asked, being persistent.  
“I don’t know. I took the day off.” He said sitting close beside me.  
“You can do that?” I asked, surprised.  
“I can do whatever the fuck I want.” He said opening a book. I blushed brightly as he wrapped an arm around me and leaned me into his chest as he read.  
“What’s happening?” I asked wide eyed, feeling tense and unnatural.  
“Drink your coffee and shut up for a minute.” He said and I eventually relaxed.

We sat that way for an hour, the sound of Al Green cooing and Negan’s slow steady heartbeat lulling me into a nap. Part of me wanted to pull away before I fell into this imaginary world too deeply, but the comfort and warmth of it was far too tempting.

***

When I woke up again, the turn table had stopped and I looked up to find Negan sleeping. I quietly examined the hard, handsome lines of his perfectly aged face, and yet it appeared so much softer in his sleep. I felt my throat tighten as I wished for a different world. What could this have become if things were different? 

-But it wasn’t different, despite how real it felt, so I stopped myself. I carefully slinked out from beneath his arm, thankful that it didn’t wake him. Then gathering my clothes, I slipped on my shorts and snuck silently out of his room. I hesitated, taking one last look before softly closing his door behind me.

I figured just because he took the day off, didn’t mean I had to, so I stopped by my room. I removed Negan’s shirt, and tucked it safely in my drawer and changed into something of my own before heading to the infirmary. That was until Simon stopped me.

“What are you doing? Your little vacation is over. Where the hell have you been?” He asked grumpily.  
“I wasn’t aware I answered to you.” I said bitterly.  
“I’m your Lieutenant, and today I’m covering for Negan. So like it or not, you absolutely do.” He said smugly.  
“Aren’t you proud. What do you want?” I sighed.  
“We’ve found a super market down the freeway and it looks like it’s pretty well stocked. Unfortunately, it’s just as full of walkers, so we need a team to clear them out.” He explained.  
“And you want me to help?” I raised my brow surprised.  
“I’m short handed today. You may not look big enough to bust a damn grape, but you’ll do.” He said and I glared as I crossed my arms. The reality was, he knew I was good, he just refused to admit it. I knew Negan wouldn’t like it, but without him here to restrict me, this was my chance for a real job.  
“Fine. Let’s go.” I said.

We armed ourselves well before taking off for the market in a large van and truck. As we drew nearer, I could see there was a significant hoard of walkers, gathered around the building. We parked a ways away, so we could approach them stealthily and gathered for a game plan.

“We need some eyes on perimeters for the long shots.” Simon said.  
“We’ll take it.” A tall long haired man volunteered an equally tall woman beside him and she nodded. I felt a little out of place realizing I’d never met, let alone worked with any of these people before.  
“Alright, so we’re gonna need some distractions to draw them away. I’ll take the van along for a quick get away. I need quick runners.” He said.  
“I can do that.” I raised my hand confidently along with a few others.  
“Yeah, you wouldn’t be much help with the heavy lifting.” He picked at my size again, trying to downplay me in front of the others.  
“Nice mustache.” I flipped him off and the others resisted a laugh. Simon glared as his face reddened, but he ignored me and carried on.  
“Okay everyone else, grab some carts, plat form trucks would be better if you can find them. Fill them up and haul them out front. We’re gonna need to move fast. Everyone up to speed?” He asked and we nodded together.  
“Alright perimeters, go.” He pointed and they took off, taking position and aiming their rifles. “Alright, distracters, we’re going right, toward the field. It’s better to stay open. Try not to wander too far, we need to get them out pretty far, but still be able to get back pretty quick. Got it?” He confirmed and we nodded. 

As we approached, my heart began to race. I looked around at the others, taking a head count and noting recognizable features. A dark skinned man, with perfect teeth. A pale, skinny guy with his hair tied behind his head. A red haired woman I’d seen out running before. We exchanged a knowing glance before pulling out our guns. The walkers seemed to smell us and a few slowly turned to face us, their gray, decrepit mouths letting out hisses and growls as if to alert the others. 

It wasn’t long before there was a group of them headed toward us. We began hooting and hollering, now grabbing all of their attention. Then the mass of them began moving toward us. I kept my eyes on them as I bounded backward, trying to maintain a safe distance, but as it became more difficult to corral them a few got too close. I pulled out my knife and began taking them out.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a walker coming up on the guy with perfect teeth, so I aimed my gun carefully and took it out. The man turned to me surprised and thanked me with a bright smile, before he returned the favor, taking out a walker that had snuck up behind me. I saluted playfully then carried on. I was growing tired when Simon came rolling up beside us in the van, and I sighed in relief.

He didn’t stop but slowed down enough for us to run and leap into the van. The pale guy first, the darker man after. I was next, so I quickened my pace and took a deep breath as I leaped, my heart stopping in that moment. I thought at first I wouldn’t catch a grip well enough and I felt a panic run through me, but they grabbed my arms and pulled me into safety. We turned to the red head, still keeping up with the van and shouted for her to jump. She hesitated as she leaped, and missed her footing. As I watched her tumble and roll onto the ground, I knew the fall was too hard for her to get back up.

“Simon!” I shouted.  
“We’ve got to keep moving.” He slowed for her but didn’t stop.  
“Simon! You _have_ to stop! She can’t get up!” I shouted harshly as I shot him a look through the rear view mirror. He rolled his eyes and slammed the brakes. 

By then, she was several yards away and the walkers were gaining quickly, despite their slow limping. I leaped from the van and sprinted for her. I wasn’t sure if anyone followed, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t knowingly leave her behind and sleep at night. When I finally reached her, she looked up at me desperately.

“I fucked up my leg!” She shouted in fear.  
“Hold on!” I grabbed her beneath the arms and drug her as far as I could to gain some distance. She shouted in pain, but gripped my fore arms tightly, her nails digging into me. “Okay you have to get up!” I panted.  
“I can’t!” She winced. The sound of walkers was deafening now. They were far too close.  
“Come on, I can’t do this alone!” I begged her when suddenly the others came up from behind. Between the two of them, they easily lifted her. I sighed in relief and sprinted after them. We clamored into the van once more, and Simon took off harshly back toward the market.

When we got back we had a safe and significant amount of distance between us and the hoard. Leaving the red head in the van, we got out and quickly packed up the truck. It took no time before it was filled and stacked, and we all hurried back toward our vehicles. I took out one last walker before hopping into the van and we sped off back to safety, and silently took several moments to catch our breaths.

“Thank you…” The red head smiled at me gratefully.  
“Sure…” I panted, wiping my sweat on my shoulder as I hunched over my knees.  
“I’m Jay. What’s your name?” The darker man asked.  
“Lucille.” I said.  
“Better known as, Little Bird.” The pale guy laughed knowingly and I nodded as I pursed my lips. I assumed he’d witnessed the bickering between Negan and I before, but I hoped that’s all he knew. “I’m Kevin.” He finished.  
“Misty.” The red head followed.  
“Good to meet you guys.” I said.  
“You were a bad ass out there.” Jay said.  
“Thanks.” I avoided a full on grin, but the words were encouraging.  
“Hope we see you on more of our out calls. We need your kind of team work.” Kevin shot a judgmental glance ahead at Simon.  
“I owe you.” Misty said.  
“Maybe next time.” I said and we laughed, not because it was all that funny, but because we’d made it.

When we arrived back at the Sanctuary, I watched Jay and Kevin haul Misty out and head for the infirmary. I waved them ahead but was suddenly alarmed when they passed by Negan. His eyes were steely as he scanned the busy group. I started to make a run for it just when his eyes caught mine, and his expression hardened.

‘What the fuck’, he mouthed and I could feel the color run from my face. Luckily, Simon broke his stare as he updated him on the day’s events. Negan hesitated before he turned to him and I took the opportunity to quickly sneak away.

As I made my way inside I caught a glimpse of myself in the truck’s window. I was a mess. There was dried blood splattered over my face and my hair was wind blown and tangled. It was then that I realized I smelled like sweat, death, and decay. So I grabbed a change of clothes and rushed to the infirmary for a quick shower.

Dr. Bran was treating Misty when I arrived. We had a quick chat of the day’s events, but I was exhausted and a little on edge for what was to come when Negan found me. I kept it short, left my good wishes and made my way back to my room. By the time I got there, I was humming, pleased with the day over all. Shaking out my hair, I entered my room to find Negan sitting casually at my table and I let out a shrill scream.

“Oh Jesus!” I clutched my chest.  
“We need to have a talk.” He said calmly.  
“How did you get in here?” I sighed trying to catch my breath.  
“You do _not_ go on outings without discussing it with me first.” He said ignoring my question.  
"Would you have let me go if I'd told you?" I asked.  
"Probably not." He said.  
"Then you're not really giving me a choice here. You can't just lock me up in your room all day." I said.  
"Says who?" He smiled.  
"It's safe to say you might not be kidding." I raised my brow as I began putting away my things.  
"It's not a bad idea. My Little Bird tucked safe in a cage." He sauntered up behind me.

I sighed as he wrapped his arms around my waist and began kissing my neck. Already I could feel my body giving in to his touch. When his teeth nipped at my skin, I ignited. My defenses quickly melted away, leaving me powerless. He inched his hands down my hips slowly and slipped his fingers beneath the waist of my shorts. I’d hoped he’d continue further, but instead, he trailed his hands back up slowly, wrapping one hand around my neck, while the other took hold of my hair.

“You will not leave without permission again. Do you understand?” He said deeply as his salt and pepper scruff tickled my ear.  
“Yes sir…” I quivered.  
“I’m gonna have to punish you for this. You know that right?” He asked.  
“Yes sir…” My heart skipped.  
“Turn around.” He ordered.

When I turned to face him, I was met with burning eyes, shadowed by his hard and heavy brow. The sight of his handsomely stern face made me weak, and I cooed as he leaned down to kiss my lips. When he pulled away, I wanted so desperately to pull him back in again.

“Take off your clothes.” He said, ambling away and taking a seat on my bed.

I was hesitant at first, but when Negan deliberately removed his belt and looped it in his hand, my skin tingled. His expression implied it was not to be disputed. So I timidly started with my boots, then my socks, and used my foot to push them aside. With clammy hands, I unbuttoned my shorts, allowed them to drop to my feet and kicked them aside. As I reached for my shirt, I wished I hadn’t chosen to skip my bra. My cheeks became hot as I lifted my shirt overhead and set it aside, fully exposing my breasts. Then finally, I peeled away my panties, stumbling slightly on one leg as I pulled them from my ankle.

Negan remained silent as he took in every inch of me, standing vulnerable before him. He had never seen me fully naked, and I was almost embarrassed like it was my first time. As his eyes traced the curves and lines of my nude body, I wanted to shy away. No one had ever taken the time to look upon me this way. 

He finally released his hold on me as he unlaced his boots and set them aside. Then his shirt that he removed and draped neatly on my bed frame. I admired the hard, chiseled lines of his body. The way his broad shoulders and abs flexed as he moved. My hands twitched as I imagined touching him. It felt like a lifetime before he finally lifted the belt in his hand and motioned for me to join him.

“Come here.” He said. 

He watched me with heavy, sultry eyes as I tip toed toward him. It felt like my heart was going to leap from my chest when I finally reached him. I stood between his long legs, my body only inches from his. I could feel the heat of his bare skin radiating on mine, but still, he wouldn’t touch me. He used the cool, hard leather of his belt to pass over my breasts and trace the lines of my tattoo, spreading goose bumps all over me. The way he withheld his touch, only seemed to heighten my senses. 

As my nipples hardened, his deep bronze eyes became darker, hungrier. Suddenly, with no word or warning, he swung the belt and struck me hard against my ass. I yelped and stumbled forward, nearly falling into him before I regained my footing. 

“Get on your knees.” He said.

I lowered myself at his feet as Negan reached down and unzipped his pants. His cock sprung out before me, so I reached forward and wrapped my hand around it. He was fully erect, large, and thick and heavy in my hand. I stroked up and down his shaft, as I wrapped my lips around the head, and swirled my tongue. I knew how he liked it, so I swallowed his length fully, making him hum deeply. I felt my throat tighten in protest, but I resisted, coughing as my eyes began to water. When I gagged I finally pulled away, gasping for air. Negan praised me as he lifted my chin to look him in the eyes.

“Open up.” He said, bringing his fingers to my mouth. I parted my lips, and he dove his fingers inside, hitting the back of my throat until I gagged once more. “Good girl. Give me a kiss.” He said. 

I practically leaped for him and panted against his lips as they caressed my own. Our tongues mingled only briefly before he pulled away and slapped me across the cheek. The pain fueled my lust for him, and the heat between my legs intensified as I began throbbing. 

Negan wrapped his hands around my neck and lifted me back onto my feet as he kissed me again. I moaned as he reached down and began kneading my breasts before taking my nipple in his mouth. His teeth bared down on my supple flesh, and he reached down to stroke my pulsing clit. I whimpered and trembled as my hands became entangled in his dark hair. When he pulled away again, he lifted his wet fingers to my lips and allowed me to suck them clean before slapping my cheek once more.

“Now, come here. Come show me what you did to David.” He said smirking as he laid back on my bed.  
“I don’t want to talk about him.” I blushed brightly with shame and frowned as I crossed my arms in distaste.  
“No? I thought you liked him.” Negan laughed.  
“Not as much as I like you.” I admitted.  
“That’s right because I’m the only one who will fuck you like I hate you.” He smirked.  
“Do you?” I asked meekly.  
“No, Little Bird. No, I don’t hate you.” He sat up and took hold of my ass as he kissed my hips, making me shiver. “-But you sure as shit have a lot to make up for.” He said before yanking me into his lap. 

Negan kissed me deeply as I straddled him. I could feel his hard cock pressing against me as I wrapped my arms around his neck and I groaned as he spanked me. When he laid back once more, I took hold of his length and slipped the tip inside me. I was dripping wet by now, but I could feel that it would still be a challenge. Negan watched closely as I carefully inched down his shaft and gasped as he filled me up. Finally.

“Oh my god…” I sighed, almost in awe as I savored the feeling him inside me for the first time.

When I looked up, Negan appeared to be just as staggered as he huffed with his mouth ajar. He looked up at me once more, his pupils wide as he took hold of my neck and pulled me into him. Our foreheads pressed together as he took hold of my hair and we began moving in sync. 

As our pace quickened, our flesh began slapping against the force of our thrusts. I groaned as Negan took hold of my arms, lifted me upright, and pinned them behind my back. While he continued grinding beneath me, I felt the friction on my clit, and the pleasure building inside me, and I came the first time, far sooner than I expected. I threw my head back and cried out his name as I trembled on top of him.

“Fuck sake! Is that all it takes?” He laughed. “You better toughen the fuck up. You’ve got a lot more work to do.” He said, shoving me onto my back.

Negan then stood beside the bed, took hold of my legs, and yanked me to the edge. My head was still spinning as he slipped himself back inside me, making me quiver around him. He hissed as he filled me with his length, but stopped to pull me into another kiss. 

“Give me your hands.” He said as he pulled away.

Heavy as they felt, I lifted them from my sides, and Negan pulled them together at the wrist. He grabbed his belt and tied it tightly around them, then took the slack that remained and shoved it between my teeth. I chomped down on the tough leather as he took hold of my hips, sinking his cock deeper inside me and I inhaled sharply.

“You okay?” He chuckled.  
“Mhm…” I nodded.  
“Atta girl. You ready?” He asked and I nodded, but he slapped my cheek again. “Say, ‘yes sir’.” He said.  
“Yes sir…” I mumbled through clenched teeth.  
“That’s right.” He praised.

Negan lifted my hips up off the bed and started again. This time, his thrusts were a bit more slow and steady as he allowed me to catch my breath. As I moaned beneath him, I admired the hard lines of his face. The way his heavy brows furrowed with pleasure as he watched my body move beneath him. He turned me onto my side and spanked me again and I felt the pleasure building again. I resisted it, but the way he felt stroking in and out of me, stronger and faster, I knew I couldn’t last long. 

He turned me again onto my knees, this time with my ass up, and took hold of my hair. I yelped as he spanked me again, the pleasure of friction and the pain all intensified as I listened to him huffing and moaning behind me. He took hold of my shoulders and lifted me up, pressing his body against my back as he kneaded my breasts before releasing my hands from his belt. 

Once my arms were free, Negan pulled me back and into his lap, where he lifted my legs and spread them wide open. I steadied my hands behind me, resting them on his chest as continued thrusting beneath me. The way this position felt, how his length stroked deeply inside me, I knew there was no stopping it. I cried out as I reached another orgasm.

As I came down again, Negan turned me to face him and lifted me into his lap. He held my face in his hands as he kissed me, allowing me a moment to regain my composure. When my heart finally steadied once more, he slipped his cock back inside me and took hold of my hair, pulling it back to expose my neck and chest. I moaned as he kissed and bit me all over before bringing me back up to face him. He locked eyes with me as he gripped my chin, his other hand gripping my ass as it bounced in his lap.

“Who do you belong to?” He asked, his breath hot on my flushed face.  
“I belong to Negan!” I obeyed.  
“Say it again!” He demanded.  
“I belong to Negan!” I repeated.  
“That’s right! You belong to me! So you do what you’re told!” He said as he slapped my ass.  
“Yes! Yes sir!” I said.  
“You listen to me! You fuck me! And you come for me! And _only_ me!” He said.  
“Yes sir!” I moaned.  
“Say ‘yes Daddy’.” He grinned darkly.  
“You sick fucker…” I huffed.  
“Say it!” He slapped my cheek.  
“Yes Daddy!” I groaned and he laughed deeply.  
“You are such a dirty fuckin’ girl! Now beg me!” He ordered as he took hold of my neck.  
“Please! Please, Negan! Cum inside of me, please!” I rasped.

In that moment I felt Negan begin throbbing inside me. He moaned long and deep as he pressed his forehead to mine and I felt my body building in sync with his. We peaked together, igniting in each other's embrace. Tremors ripped and rolled through us in waves as we practically clawed at one another for air, until we came back down again. This time. The third time. I realized I had never experienced a more intense orgasm in my life.

***

I hadn’t realized we’d fallen asleep together until the following morning when I woke to the feeling of Negan’s heart beat on my tender cheek. I glanced up to find him still sleeping soundly, and blushed as I recalled the night before. All of the physical activity had left my mouth feeling dry. I needed a drink of water. 

His long arm was wrapped heavily around me, so I carefully inched out from beneath him before quietly rising out of bed. I slipped on his white shirt he’d left hanging on my bed frame and brushed my bed head over my shoulder. I didn’t make it much further before I felt a tight grip on my arm as Negan yanked me back into his embrace, making me squeal.

“What did I tell you about sneaking away?” He asked as he kissed my neck.  
“I’m not sneaking away. I just need a drink of water.” I beamed before I pulled myself free again.  
“Got any coffee?” He asked as he stood, but I was distracted by the way his muscles flexed and quivered as he stretched.  
“S-Sure. I’ll make some.” I pried my eyes away.  
“I’ll take care of it. I like my coffee a certain way." _Of course he did_. "Where are your filters?” He asked, searching my cabinets.  
“I don’t have any. All I have is instant coffee.” I shrugged.  
“Instant what? -Fuckin’ gross.” He complained.  
“Just let me make some for you. I dress it up pretty well. You’d be surprised.” I said.

Negan watched me closely as I heated the water, measured the instant coffee crystals, blended them to paste, and added a dash of cinnamon and vanilla. I filled two coffee mugs, and stirred them thoroughly before I handed him a cup. I’d gotten used to the taste, so I drank my own as I watched Negan sniff his in distaste. He glanced up at me reluctantly as he took a sip and grimaced.

“This is fucking terrible.” He said.  
“You know, it’s impolite to criticize your hosts coffee.” I raised my brow.  
“How can you be a host in my house?” He laughed as he attempted another gulp, but winced before he set it aside.  
“I don’t have to let you in here.” I said.  
“I’ve got a key remember?” He grinned.  
“How could I forget?” I flushed as I recalled the evening before, and the three orgasms that followed.

Negan laughed as he took my coffee and set it aside before he lifted me onto the counter. He stood between my legs and took ahold of my hips as he kissed me. His large hands inched down my legs and wrapped them around his waist, while my own explored the hard lines of his shoulders, back, and chest. I could already feel myself getting wet again. Without thinking my hips began grinding into him, my body craving another taste. He pushed me back to lay on the counter as he lifted his shirt from my chest and began fondling and nipping my breasts, but I couldn’t help but notice the mug of hot liquid not far from our bare skin.

“Negan the coffee…” I sighed.  
“I’ll make you some real coffee later.” He said, shoving it off the counter, allowing it to shatter and spill across the floor. 

I gasped as he reached up and pinned my hands firmly above my head. He continued sucking and biting my breasts, still tender from the night before. As I thrusted upward for him, Negan reached down and pulled his cock from his briefs, then slipped it inside of me. I moaned as he moved his hips and ran his hands down my arms and around my neck, but we came to a very sudden halt when we heard a knocking.

I sat up frantically, my eyes wide as I stared at the door. I turned to Negan as he did a sort of double take, before cupping his hand over my mouth and lifting a finger to his lips. I shook my head in protest, but as he dove deeply into me, I couldn’t resist him. I struggled to stifle my moans and keep quiet, but when Negan reached down to caress my clit I jerked. My foot knocked over the jar of instant coffee, and sent it clattering to the floor, the noise alerting our presence. There was another knock, but this time it was followed by a familiar voice.

“What up Lucy? Open up, it’s me, David.” He called.

I gaped at the door, now fully panicked. I reluctantly turned back to Negan who appeared to be amused. ‘ _Lucy_?’ He mouthed as he sneered. I wanted to speak, but he kept moving, and I had to stifle another moan.

“Lucille?” David called once more. _I had to get rid of him._  
“Uh! Hey, David… N-Now’s not a good time.” My voice shook as Negan took my nipple in his mouth.  
“Are you alright?” He asked.  
“Y-yeah. Ah… I’m fine, I’m… I’m just not decent.” I trembled.  
“Come on. It’s nothing I’ve never seen before.” David chuckled.

Suddenly, Negan was no longer amused. He let me out of his grasp and pulled away to slip on his pants. He didn’t bother buttoning them as he headed for the door.

“N-Negan, wait! What are you doing?” I hissed as I scrambled after him.  
“Settle down.” He sighed as he reached for the door.  
“Oh my god.” I shamefully cupped my face and shrunk behind him.  
“For fuck sake! Get a fuckin’ clue already!” Negan barbed as he answered the door.

He carelessly pushed it wide open, and allowed David to look inside and assess the situation before him. Negan standing shirtless and disheveled. Myself cowering behind him, wearing only his t-shirt. Both looking flushed and just fucked. When I finally found the courage to face David, he appeared shocked and confused.

“Wow. Okay.” He looked away uncomfortably.  
“What do you want?” Negan asked impatiently.  
“Nothing.” David turned to me. “Absolutely nothing.”  
“David-“ I started, but Negan lifted a hand to stop me.  
“Get the fuck outta here.” He said.

David shot me one last look of disappointment, then turned to leave before Negan slammed the door closed. I was mortified and ashamed. I hadn’t wanted him to find out at all, but I certainly didn’t want him to find out like this. 

“God dammit Negan!” I stormed off.  
“What?” He laughed.  
“You know exactly what! How could you do that!” I gripped my head.  
“Relax. He’ll get over it.” He shrugged it off.  
“This was supposed to stay between us!” I noted.  
“He’s not gonna tell anyone.” He said matter of factly.  
“And if he does?” I asked.  
“I’ll kill him.” He said.  
“No, Negan. You can’t do that.” I said.  
“I can do whatever the fuck I want.” He said.  
“Listen, whether you like it or not, David is my friend!” I argued.  
“Not anymore he’s not.” He chuckled.  
“That’s not funny, Negan! This isn’t a joke!” I shouted.  
“I think it’s pretty fuckin’ funny.” He shrugged.  
“It’s not funny! ” I stomped my foot.  
“You’re acting like a child.” He condescended.  
“And you’re acting like a geriatric asshole!” I countered. Though I had expected him to get angry, Negan surprised me when he burst with laughter instead.  
“Listen ‘Lucy’,” I rolled my eyes, but he continued. “I know David is your friend. I may have my own reservations about the fucker, but the fact is, he’s a damn good Savior and he saved your ass. Now, I know you would have liked to soften the blow to his ego, but he needed to know. Hell, he deserved to know. And now that he knows I can start letting go of those reservations and get back to the matter at hand.” He said.  
“What matter?” I asked.  
“These blue balls.” He smirked.  
“I’m not in the mood anymore.” I said.  
“You’re not?” He asked as he reached between my legs, making me shiver.  
“You’re such an asshole.” I sighed, but tip toed into a kiss.

The guilt should have been enough to stop me, but he was a force too strong for my mind and body to withstand. So I melted and Negan lifted me off my feet to carry me back to bed. I came three more times before he was done. 


	11. Just Enough

I was on my daily run when I realized the summer was finally winding down. The air was significantly cooler and mornings had become cloudy and overcast. As I ran along the tree line I noticed the leaves were beginning to change. It wouldn’t be much longer before the fall season painted them with gold and red.

After my run, I decided to stop by the infirmary for a shower and a check in with Dr. Bran. I hadn’t seen him in ages and there was surely grunt work to catch up on. I had fully intended on spending the day there but when I arrived, I was surprised to find someone new. She was a young girl, blond and petite with large blue eyes that seemed startled to see me.

“Hi.” I said stiffly.  
“Hello.” She said meekly.  
“Where’s Dr. Bran?” I asked.  
“He just stepped out. Is there something I can help you with?” She asked.  
“No, I just came to check on Doc and take a quick shower. -I’m sorry, who are you?” I asked and she stiffened.  
“I’m Sara. I’m Dr. Bran’s new intern.” She said, and for some reason I felt a bit of a sting. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Someone had to replace me after all. “You must be the Savior, Lucille?” She asked.  
“Yeah. Nice to meet you.” I offered my hand for a shake and she seemed to cower at first. It was then that I realized, she was frightened of me.  
“Dr. Bran told me I should be expecting you one day.” She said returning the gesture weakly.  
“Yeah, I come around every now and then to take advantage of his shower.” I attempted a joke to ease her tension.  
“Oh, I never thought of that.” She giggled nervously.  
“Yeah, I’m just gonna…” I pointed. “Is that okay? Do you mind?” I asked, feeling awkward.  
“No, of course not.” She practically bowed to dismiss herself.

While I waited for the water to warm up I stood staring in the mirror, wondering what it was about me that frightened the new girl. -Sara? Was that her name? Then I remembered the day I first met Negan. How scared I had once been to be anywhere near him. The way he’d intimidated me. I must have looked just like her. Things were so different then. I never could have imagined I’d be where I am now. Trapped somewhere between a Savior and a mistress.

A few moments later, as I lathered away the sweat from my skin, I noticed a few bruises left behind from Negan and I’s last encounter. They were perfect stamps of his teeth like he’d left his seal on me. The sight of them, made my heart skip, and I couldn’t resist the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth.

“There’s only one person I know that would have the audacity to come to my infirmary only to use my shower.” I heard Dr. Bran joke from the other room.  
“Doc!” I beamed as I hopped out of the shower.

I quickly dried off and got dressed, and shook my hair out to air dry before I rushed to meet him. He was right where I’d expected him, sitting at his desk with an open book.

“It’s good to see you.” He smiled.  
“It’s been a while.” I said, taking a seat. I noticed he’d aged even more since the last time I saw him, and my stomach dropped. I hadn’t had the time to consider the time I’d lost with him.  
“It has. You must be quite busy.” He said.  
“Yeah, so busy I’ve been slacking here. Where’d the new girl go?” I asked.  
“I sent her off to lunch.” He said.  
“How’s that working out?” I pried.  
“She’s very bright, very sweet, but far less… eccentric.” He teased.  
“Then you’ve upgraded.” I laughed, ignoring the twinge of jealousy I felt.  
“No. No one could ever exceed you.” He said and I beamed.  
“I miss you, Doc.” I said honestly.  
“I miss you too.” He smiled warmly.  
“How are you feeling?” I asked.  
“Well enough for an old man.” He said, and I frowned.  
“What’s going on?” I asked, knowing there was something off.  
“Nothing for you to concern yourself with. Now tell me, how have you been, Savior?” He asked.

I wanted to pry further hoping Dr. Bran would eventually tell me what was wrong, but as always, he was a man of few words. He much more preferred to simply listen to my rambling and humor. Considering my absence, I figured I owed him at least that. So I told him as much as I could without revealing too much about Negan and I’s ‘relationship’. 

We laughed and chatted like almost no time was lost before the new girl returned from her lunch break. When she did, I politely excused myself. It felt impersonal when she was around. Dr. Bran surprised me with a warm hug before I left. He wasn’t much of an affectionate man so when he did, the gesture put a lump in my throat. I hated to say goodbye. 

***

Later that evening, I opted out of making my own dinner and made my way downstairs instead. The vendors were making roast chicken and potatoes and the savory smell made my stomach growl. 

As I took my place in line I spotted David heading in my direction, but when he caught eyes with me he suddenly turned away. The guilt I felt, killed my appetite, but I ordered two dinners and took them upstairs. Our friendship might have been lost for good, but I had to at least try to mend it.

When I arrived at David’s room, I hesitantly knocked on his door. My palms became clammy as I imagined him turning me away. A moment later he answered and though he appeared surprised to see me at first, his face quickly fell.

“I brought you chicken and taters.” I attempted a playful tone as I lifted the bag in my hand.  
“I already ate.” He said, reaching to close the door.  
“David!-“ I stopped him. “Please.”  
“I don’t need a pity meal alright?” He said.  
“Look, can I just come inside? I promise, if you just hear me out right now, I’ll leave you alone forever if that’s what you want.” I begged. David sighed as he leaned against the door frame, looking down at me wistfully and then rolling his eyes.  
“Did you bring anything to drink?” He motioned to the bag.  
“I brought beer. I thought maybe if I got you buzzed, you might find me a little more tolerable.” I tried for a joke.

David resisted a smile as he stepped aside and allowed me to enter. He closed the door behind him as I glanced around his room. I hadn’t taken the time before, but he was neat and tidy. His style was minimal but practical. David ambled over to his counter and took a seat at a bar stool and waited quietly.

I laid out our dinner, taking my time to present it well and find the words I’d recited in my head on the way here, but mostly all I could recall was the look of disappointment on his face when Negan answered my door. I cursed his name in that moment. 

When I was done, I cracked open two cold beers and offered one to David. I reached for a toast, but he didn’t bother. Instead he lifted it to his lips for a long gulp. I awkwardly pulled away and took one myself, trying to ease my nerves.

“Shall we try the chicken?” I asked, but realized I still hadn’t sat down. 

David simply lifted his hands, signaling that he was growing impatient and still waiting for me to get to the point. I sighed heavily before finally taking a seat on the stool across from him and pushed my plate away to rest my arms on the countertop. I wasn’t the least bit hungry anymore.

“I’m sorry.” I said softly, staring into my beer, but he said nothing. “You’re my friend and I care about you. I respect you-”  
“If you respected me you would have been honest with me from the start, and if you were my friend, you wouldn’t have let me find out like that.” David corrected.  
“David, I didn't have a choice. I had to keep it a secret.” I said desperately.  
“Well, the secret’s out now. So be honest with me. Did you sleep with Negan before you slept with me, or after?” He asked.  
“It was after, but… we were… sort of… kind of involved before I slept with you.” I admitted.  
“That is just… So _fucked_ up! Do you realize what kind of danger you put both of us in?” He asked, becoming angry.  
“I know. I wasn’t thinking. I-” I started.  
“-And you’re still not thinking!” He stopped me.  
“David-“  
“-You’re fucking around with _Negan_? Are you kidding me? Are you insane?-”  
“-David-“  
“-Do you know he has wives? Not just one! -But four, five, maybe more!-”  
“-I know.”  
“-And you’re okay with that? Seriously, do you think Negan gives even the slightest shit about you?” He asked holding nothing back.  
“I don’t know! Okay?” I shouted out, and before I could think to catch them, my tears escaped me. “I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how I got here. It’s like he just put me here.” I cupped my face.  
“No! I’m not going to sit here and listen to you cry your eyes out over Negan in my fucking room. Are you kidding me?” David stood suddenly.  
“Please! Just stop and listen to me!” I shouted and he sighed as he stared down at his feet, still waiting for me to plead my case. “You’ve already done so much for me. I haven’t forgotten about that, and I am so, so grateful. -But please just do me this one last favor and hear me out. I never meant for you to find out the way you did. Never. -But what’s done is done, and I can sit here and make excuses until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t change anything. The fact is, I screwed up. I screwed you over and I’m sorry. All I can do now is say I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” I repeated as a sob escaped me. I’d expected David to turn me away, but I was surprised when he reluctantly wrapped his arms around me to console me instead.  
“I don’t want to say it’s alright because I’d be lying to you.” He said, his deep voice rumbling in my ear as I rested my head on his chest. I felt comfort there, but he quickly pulled away.  
“Will it ever be?” I sniffed.  
“I don’t know.” He shrugged.  
“Is there something I can do?” I asked.  
“Listen, even talking to you here, right now is a risk that I’m not really sure is worth it. Maybe before, but now…” He trailed off. His words stung, but they were true. I’d made my bed and I’d chosen to lie in it with Negan. I wiped my eyes as I nodded, then turned to leave before I burst into tears again.  
“Lucy.” He stopped me briefly at the door. “I may not have a clue about what’s happening between you and Negan, but you have got to stay smarter than him or he will take everything from you.” He warned, making my stomach drop. 

I wasn’t sure what to say. Whether or not I should defend Negan. If there was anything to defend at all. Maybe he was right. So I simply nodded before closing the door behind me.

I stood there in silence for a moment before I could bring my feet to move. As I made my way back to my room I contemplated David’s warning. I tried listing anything Negan could possibly gain from me, but I came up short. What could I have possessed that he didn’t already have? Or was I kidding myself? I wondered if I was blinded by the after glow of hot sex and foreplay. 

When I finally made it back to my room, I felt exhausted. I collapsed onto my bed and buried my face in a pillow and as I took a deep breath I realized it still smelled like Negan. Something about that made me feel short of breath.

***

Late that night I was lying wide awake in bed, my mind too anxious and restless sleep. I couldn’t help thinking maybe David was right. Was I insane? I’d been so consumed wondering what Negan might have to gain from me, I’d forgotten to ask myself, what did I have to gain? The whole reason this mess had even started was so I could become a Savior and I’d done it. I was a Savior now. So what was left for me to gain? While I’d gladly reaped the benefits of the best sex I’d ever had, I wondered if that was enough. With death literally clawing at our doors, numbering our days, I had to ask myself, _was Negan worth it?_

I rolled out of bed at 3 AM and marched straight to Negan’s room thinking if I couldn't sleep, then neither could he. This time there would be no games, no bull shit. This time I was going to get some answers. When I arrived, I knocked fervently on his door. I heard nothing at first, so I continued louder, ceaselessly until I heard him growling out of bed. 

“Someone better be fuckin dead.” He answered, scowling through heavy eyes.  
“How many wives do you have?” I asked and he sighed as he rolled his eyes, already annoyed.  
“What the fuck? What time is it?” He gripped and ran a tired hand down his face.  
“I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying in bed driving myself insane thinking about this.” I said, breezing past him and into his room. Negan didn’t bother fighting me but instead slammed the door closed behind him as he glared up at the clock.  
“It’s 3 in the god damn morning.” He yawned as he laid back down in bed.  
“Well I’m sorry but I can’t rest until I have some answers.” I said.  
“Shh… Shut up.” He yanked me into bed.  
“No, Negan! I’m serious! If I can’t sleep, neither can you!” I shoved away.  
“If you were anybody else I’d fuckin’ kill you right now.” He sighed.

Negan groaned as he got out of bed, roughly scratching his hair before he stretched. Determined as I was, I couldn’t help stealing a glance at how good he looked shirtless in sweatpants. He said nothing as he shuffled to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door as he stood over the toilet to relieve himself. I tapped my foot, waiting impatiently for what seemed like an endless stream before he finally flushed.

“Five.” He said as he ambled out of the bathroom.  
“Excuse me?” I asked.  
“I have five wives.” He said.  
“So if you have five wives, what do you need me for?” I raised my brow.  
“I need you for inventory updates… point system numbers… general errands… shit like that.” Negan listed as he sat down on his couch, closing his eyes and resting his head back.  
“That’s not what I meant.” I scowled.  
“I don’t need you. -But I like you.” He said.  
“Like me like a friend or…” I went on, taking a seat a safe distance beside him.  
“I like you like a friend that gives really good blowjobs.” He smirked.  
“And what if that’s not all I want?” I asked.  
“You wanna be my wife?” He asked.  
“I don’t like to share.” I scoffed.  
“Yeah, me either.” He smirked.  
“And you don’t see how maybe that’s a little fucked up and hypocritical?” I asked angrily.  
“What is the problem this time? Is it the wives? Because I’m not going to leave my wives for you. Whether you like it or not, I made a vow to protect and provide for those ladies. Now I may be a mean son of a bitch, but I’m a man of my fuckin word.” He said.  
“Oh you are so full of shit!” I sneered.  
“Are you trying to get yourself killed?” He laughed.  
“Listen, I’d be lying if I said the wives didn’t bother me. Okay? I’m human. It does bother me, but this isn't about your wives. I’m aware you can’t leave them without the entire Sanctuary finding out about us and questioning your authority. Okay? I get it. So it’s not about them. This is about you thinking you can tell me what I can and can’t do, while you run around doing whatever the hell you want. You want to have your cake and eat it too.” I argued.  
“I love cake.” He grinned. Though his response was irritating, it was exactly what I’d expected. I’d come to realize his snide remarks were merely a defense mechanism. He knew I was right.  
“I can’t keep doing this on blind faith. Give me something to bet on, Negan. Anything.” I begged.  
“Lucille I understand if this is something you can’t deal with, so I am giving you the option right now to walk away. Or you can stay and just enjoy this for what it fuckin’ is. For what it has to fuckin’ be. -But before you make that decision, I will give you this… In my whole entire Sanctuary darlin’, you are my favorite fuckin’ person, and if you walked away from me I’d miss the fuck out of you.” He said honestly and it stunned me for a moment.

Negan wasn’t the kind of person to say the words, ‘I love you’. In fact, I wasn’t sure he knew how to love at all, but I knew this was as close as one could hope to get with him. So I accepted it as I scooted closer, nestling into the nook beneath his arm. We sat that way in silence because whatever was left to be said no longer mattered. This is what we were. Secretly involved in something without a label. Something that might not ever be anything more than just enough. Something we made the best of. It made sense really, because that was what the world was now.


	12. Lesson Learned

The following morning I woke slowly, wrapped tightly in Negan’s bedding. Nuzzling my pillow, I savored the smell of him. It was rich and musky like expensive wood. My hand tiredly reached out for him, but I felt nothing but cool sheets. I sat up in bed and called out for him, but there was no answer. He was gone. I wasn’t sure if I should stay or go, but I knew he had a private shower and a stash of clean women’s underwear somewhere so I thought, why not take advantage?

Mornings were cold now, so I wrapped my arms around myself as I hurried to his shower. While I waited for the water to warm up I glanced idly around at his bathroom and wondered if he kept a spare toothbrush. In search of toiletries, I peeked inside his medicine cabinet and noticed he kept his cologne there. I couldn’t help myself as I stole a whiff of it, blushing as I recalled how much better it smelled on his skin. Before too long the room became foggy with steam, so I placed the bottle back exactly as I found it before stepping into the warm water, sighing as it melted away the goosebumps on my skin.

After a long, unhurried shower I glanced out into Negan’s room but it was still empty. I called for him again but still, there was no answer. Now that I was dripping wet, the air felt even colder, and I pulled the large towel tightly around myself as I tip toed to a chest of drawers beside Negan’s bed. 

In the top drawer, I found a pack of women’s underwear just as I’d suspected and rolled my eyes as I snatched a pair before tossing back the rest. Moving down to the next I found his shirts. They were all the same. White cotton t-shirts folded neatly and stacked evenly like a store display. I carefully took one as not to disturb their order before slowly closing the drawer. 

After dressing myself, I felt a part of my mind tugging back and lingering on the rest of the drawers. I wondered what else he kept there. To keep my hands busy I began making his bed, tugging and smoothing the sheets to perfection, fluffing and stacking the pillows into place. Once I was done though, the urge came back to me. I stood nibbling my thumb nail as I tapped my foot, tediously staring at the chest of drawers. Surely he kept some sort of sentiments from his past life. 

While I knew better than to go snooping around in a lion’s den, my curiosity got the best of me. I guiltily glanced over my shoulder before quickly rummaging through the remaining drawers, but in the end, there was nothing. -But there couldn’t be _nothing_. There had to be a stash of something, somewhere. There had to be. Why bother fighting to survive now if life had given you nothing to live for before? I sighed feeling a bit let down as I twirled on my foot before my eyes fell on a small desk tucked in the corner of his room. Again, my sensibility told me to stop snooping and walk away, but the gears in my head were already spinning out of control.

I sauntered over to Negan’s desk, my feet on eggshells. It felt like there must have been booby traps or something to stop me, but when I came to stand above it, there was nothing stopping me but my own beating heart. I ran a single finger over the top of the well-polished wood, then tip toed my fingers to a sort of decorative trinket. Finally, my clammy hand came to rest on the cool steel handle of the desk drawer and I hesitated for one more glance over my shoulder.

I opened the drawer slowly to first reveal the cigar box he’d kept the stash of pot he found. I flipped it open to see he hadn’t seemed to touch it since. Then I inched the drawer further open to find another box. It was black, sleek, obscure, and screaming private. My heart was pounding in my ears as I reached for it with a shaking hand. It felt heavy as I lifted it onto the desktop, and stood staring at it while my mind shouted for me to back out while I still had the chance.

“Looking for something?” Negan’s voice stopped my heart abruptly and I became rigid. _Fuck!_  
“What? No!” I spun around to face him.

He stood across the room, his eyes dark and heavy as he peered into me. When he began sauntering toward me I felt the urge to run, but I was struggling enough to keep my balance. I backed into the desk in an attempt to hide the mysterious black box, but my hips slammed the open drawer closed again and I stumbled.

“I-I was just looking for a pen.” I stupidly lied.

Negan leaned into me so closely, his body pressed against mine as he reached for a pen that was quite obviously displayed on the desk. He stared into my panicked eyes as he handed it to me, saying nothing.

“And paper.” I lied again.

Again, he leaned into me to retrieve a note card between his middle and index finger then held it before my flushed face. My heart was pounding again as I searched for something to say, but my ears were ringing and my mind was blank. Suddenly, Negan spun me around and used his bat to pin me against him so tightly I could hear his leather jacket creaking against the strain of his muscles. His breath was hot on my neck when he finally spoke.

“Do you really think it’s wise to lie to me right now?” He growled.  
“No.” I breathed.  
“Do you think you’re smarter than me, Lucille?” He asked.  
“I don’t know.” I said, my pride still intact enough to resist the answer he wanted and he laughed deeply.

He released me just long enough to shove and bend me over his desk. I yelped when he suddenly spanked me harder than he ever had before and yet it still made my insides hot. I must have been insane.

“If you don’t know, then I will fucking teach you.” He said ominously, setting a pen and a blank note card before me.  
“Negan-“ I tried to stand upright.  
“-Nope.” He shoved me back down again. “You’re not going to fuckin’ talk, you’re going to write. You’re going to write every god damn word I tell you. Pick up the pen.” He said. 

I complied knowing I certainly wasn’t in any place to argue. Resting on my elbows, I brought my shaking pen to the paper and readied myself for his instructions. I heard the jingling of his belt buckle, followed by a zip as he yanked it from his belt loops and I began to fidget restlessly. I flinched when he pulled away my panties and yanked them down to fall at my feet. His hand slid back up my calves, lingered on my inner thighs, then brushed back around to my ass before he squeezed my sore cheek firmly.

“Now write it. ‘Dear Negan,’” He spanked me hard with his belt and I jumped, scribbling the words aimlessly. “I am so sorry for ever betraying your trust.” _Smack!_ “Not just fucking once, but twice now. I will never,“ _Smack!_ “Ever!” _Smack!_ “Go meddling through your shit,” _Smack!_ “Ever again! I am an asshole,” _Smack!_ “And I’m sorry!” _Smack!_

The pain was bordering on pleasurable to unbearable as he went on. Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, when I thought I would break, he kneeled down to rub and kiss the lingering pain from my reddened cheeks, now hot to the touch. I was shaking and buzzing all over, wet and on the verge of tears before he stood again and took hold of my chin to kiss my trembling lips. I whimpered and moaned into his mouth before he pulled away again.

“Now finish it. ’Love, your Little Bird, your dirty girl, your nosy fuckin’ whore, Lucille.’” _Smack!_

His final spanking nearly knocked me off my feet as I groaned and panted, gripping the desk to steady myself. I was relieved when I heard Negan drop the belt, and again he began caressing my ass, kissing the sting away.

“Sit down on the desk.” He said.

I winced as I carefully eased back on the hard surface, crossing my ankles timidly as I clutched the note in my hand. Negan took a seat in the chair before me and looked up at me with a stern expression. I noticed his eyes were softer, much less seething as he gripped my thighs and eased them wide apart. He looked down between my legs and laughed softly to himself to find I was already wet and I blushed. 

“Now read it back to me word for word.” He said.

I lifted the card in my hand and studied the poorly scribbled words. Though they were hard to make out, I did my best. Negan watched me closely as he dove his fingers inside me, before lowering himself between my legs. I quivered as his tongue began flicking over my clit and tried to compose myself as I read aloud.

“D-dear Negan…I’m sorry…so sorry- Oh fuck!” He continued harder. “For betraying your trust! And… Oh god… And I-… And I’m a dirty whore! Okay, fuck you, I can’t do it anymore!” I tossed the card away and lunged forward.

Negan didn’t refuse me. In fact, he rather urgently lifted me into his arms and carried me to his bed instead. We fell back into the sheets, our lips tightly locked as we clawed and ripped away our clothes. As I straddled him, Negan slipped his cock inside me and moaned deeply as I gasped. We were belligerent as we began thrusting into each other, our hands gripping at whatever hot flesh we could find.

Whatever pain I felt before, whatever humiliation and shame that was knotted my stomach suddenly dissipated and fueled the heat between my legs. As Negan took hold of my hair I cried out over head. I felt him hardening and throbbing inside me and the sensation of it all became so intense I was on the verge of tears again. When my body finally peaked I wrapped my arms tightly around him and gasped for air. As I squeezed and quivered deeply inside, Negan followed after, cursing as he came. 

We both collapsed into the dampened sheets, out of breath and dripping sweat. We laid there in silence for several minutes, steadying our hearts and cooling down again. As the afterglow began to fade my mind began to wander again.

“Are you still angry with me?” I asked.  
“No.” He said, pulling me into his arms and I blushed.  
"Then are you going to tell me what's in the box?" I tried. 

Negan simply lifted a finger to my lips and shushed me, closing his eyes for a nap. I knew it was best not to argue anymore. So instead, I melted there in his arms, savoring the smell of him again. It was in that moment I realized, the only reason I cared to know, the only reason I was still here at all, was that I was falling in love with him. How stupid of me.


	13. The Miners

I was standing amongst the rest of the Saviors preparing for a trip to another community deemed the Miners. Negan had once called them a ‘bunch of pricks’, but said it was a necessary arrangement. The arrangement being, the Sanctuary provided them with peace and protection in exchange for their cooperation and resources. This basically meant Negan promised not to bludgeon and overrun their smaller community if they gave us their coal. A necessity for the harsh winter months ahead. Negan had told me this was too dangerous a trip for me to come along, but I begged him for days until he finally agreed.

Fall was upon us now, and though the season brought cold gusts of wind and cloudy gray skies, the trees were filled with warm, vibrant shades of fire. I took a deep breath of the crisp, earthy air as a breeze brushed past us and pulled my army green jacket tightly around myself as I sighed. This was my favorite time of year. -But there was something else in the air.

“Good fuckin’ morning Saviors!” Negan greeted us. I felt a flutter inside me as I gazed up at him, looking debonair in his leather jacket and red scarf. “As you all know, one of our generators is down. Now given the size of our community, if we can not repair that shit in time for winter, the other will quickly follow. That would mean no hot showers and no electricity. -But don’t you fret! ’Cause Santa’s bringing you all a fuck load of coal for Christmas!” He grinned. “That’s right. We’re paying a visit to the Miners today. Now I know these little sons of bitches have given us lip in the past, so I am telling you now, any bull shit from them and you are free to stomp that shit out. Just remember the punishment should be somewhat justified to the crime. This is supposed to be an allegiance. They’re our… What the fuck do we call them?” He turned to Simon.  
“Trade partners.” Simon answered promptly.  
“ _Trade partners!_ So no head shots unless it is absolutely fuckin’ necessary. Now pack up your shit let’s hit the road!” He said before jogging down the steps.

While the rest of the Saviors carried on in preparation, I stalled. Simon joined Negan, and as was routine, they discussed the day’s itinerary. I was waiting rather impatiently for them to finish, trying to appear busy as I gathered my weapons. A rifle, a handgun, and my hunting knife. As I placed my gun safely in its holster, Negan wrapped up his conversation and I tried not to appear too eager as I approached him.

“Why the fuck did I agree to you being here?” He mumbled, slipping on a pair of leather gloves.  
“Well good morning to you too.” I scoffed.  
“This is a bad idea.” He went on.  
“Negan I’ve been on scavenges before. I’ve been nose to nose with walkers. What’s the difference?” I argued.  
“Scavenges are different. _Walkers_ are different. Those fuckers are predictable. It’s the living that are unpredictable.” He said.  
“Listen-“  
“No, you fuckin’ listen. I don’t want any fuckin’ fuss from you today. No arguing, no fuckin’ off, no bending the rules. You stay with me and you listen to me. It’s, ‘yes sir’ all fuckin’ day. Do you understand?” He pointed firmly.  
“Why are you so-“  
“I said, do you understand?” He repeated.  
“Yes.” He waited for me to finish. “ _Sir_. Yes sir.” I rolled my eyes but he let it slide.  
“-And one more thing.” He leaned in closely. “Your nipples look fuckin’ phenomenal this morning.” He laughed before sauntering away to join the others. 

I looked down confused at first, then realized the chilly breeze had made my nipples almost oppressively visible through my t-shirt. I flushed brightly before tugging my jacket closed and zipping it up tight as I hurried to join them.

Negan hopped into the passenger side of the first flat bed, while Simon drove. Though Negan had told me to stay close, the idea of a road trip with Simon sounded miserable. So I hopped in the back with the rest of the Saviors, and Joey kindly offered a spot beside him. Consequently, the open spot was directly across from David. While I awkwardly took a seat, he avoided eye contact entirely. It seemed the road trip was off to a great start.

“You might want to bundle up. It gets cold back here when the wind starts blowing.” Joey advised.  
“All I brought was my jacket.” I pulled the hood over my head.  
“Here. Use this to shield your face at least.” He reached into his back pocket to retrieve a bundled up handkerchief.  
“You mean with the rag you just pulled out of your ass?” I laughed.  
“I might have farted twice today. -Maybe three.” Joey joked.  
“Thanks but no thanks.” I tossed it back.

Meanwhile, David couldn’t help but laugh at our conversation. I glanced up and we caught eyes for a moment, secretly sharing a friendly smile before the truck roared to a start and we heaved onto the road. 

As the cold wind whipped past I began to understand Joey’s advice. So I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them, burying my nose in my sleeves. I glanced up again to see David, reaching into his chest pocket for a red bandana that he generously handed to me. I mouthed ‘thank you’ and he smiled with a nod before turning away to watch the road side speeding past us. As I tied David’s bandana around my face I caught a whiff of nostalgia. David had always smelled nice, but the scent was so different from Negan’s it made me feel wrong some how. Still, it worked well to warm my face.

Starting from the Sanctuary, the drive to the mines would have taken nearly five hours. Luckily, the Miners agreed to meet at a base camp, located at the half way point. Still, two and a half hours was quite a long trip in the back of a flatbed truck. So we pulled over a few miles before our destination to stretch our limbs in preparation. I sighed in relief as I popped my aching back.

“Well look at you, Annie Oakley?” Negan laughed as he joined me, tugging David’s bandana that was still wrapped around my nose and mouth. I hoped it did well to hide my discomfort.   
“The wind is rough back there.” I pulled it down to hang around my neck.  
“You can squeeze between me and my man Simon here.” He offered as he threw an arm over Simon’s tense shoulders.  
“I’d rather tough it out in the cyclone.” I said as Simon and I exchanged a scowl before he wandered off to join the rest of the Saviors.  
“Give David his bandana back, and come ride up front with me.” Negan said, once Simon was out of ear shot. Apparently, he’d been keeping a close eye on us.  
“Negan, he was just trying to be cordial.” I said.  
“And so am I.” He said, his tone implying it was not to be questioned.

The rest of the drive, Negan took the wheel and we were silent at first. I was sitting narrow and tense, caught in a strange push and pull from either side of me. Cold shoulder to my right, a steamy affair to my left. If I hadn’t been caught in the middle seat I would have attempted to leap out the window.

“Holy shit the tension in here is fuckin’ unbearable!” Negan attempted to break the silence, but Simon and I remained quiet, stubbornly watching the road. “Do we need to have a little family therapy?” He asked.  
“Family?” I raised my brow.  
“Please, spare me.” Simon mumbled.  
“Yeah, I’d have a better conversation with a brick wall.” I scoffed.  
“Fuck you.” Simon huffed.  
“No, fuck you!” I spat.  
“Hey! Simmer the fuck down or I will turn this car around!” Negan silenced us like a flustered parent. “I am sick of you two bickering like fuckin’ school girls. Now I want you to settle this shit for good. You’re gonna talk this shit out. Right now. What’s the fuckin’ problem?” Negan ordered.  
“Are you kidding me?” I sighed.  
“I’ll start.” Simon turned to me looking rather enthused like he’d been waiting for this moment. “You walk around here thinking your shit doesn’t stink, expecting everything to be handed to you on a silver fucking spoon. You have no respect for authority or the people that have been here busting our asses long before you came around. We brought you here as a vendor. Your job was to sell tic tacs and tampons. Everything else you’ve accomplished since then is pure luck or by the grace of Negan.” Simon belittled me.  
“He has a few valid points.” Negan shrugged.  
“Excuse me?” I gaped.  
“I said a few.” He noted.  
“You know what? Fuck this, and fuck you and your stupid push broom mustache!” I snapped.  
“Now that is not constructive criticism.” Negan laughed. “It was fuckin’ hilarious, but it was not constructive. Try again.” He said.  
“Fine. Simon…” I turned to him, my tone dripping with sarcasm. “I think you’re a fucking creep. I think you’re so far up Negan’s ass that you’ve gotten lost in the idea that you are of any fucking importance. If it weren’t for Negan dragging you on his coat tails, _you_ would be selling tic tacs and tampons. -And whether you want to believe it or not, I _have_ busted my ass to be here. I deserve to be here. Same as you.” I countered and Simon laughed.  
“That’s cute. You really think you’ve earned this, don’t you? You wanna know why I’m a Lieutenant?” He turned to me fuming. “I have committed every remaining fiber of my being to the Sanctuary, and the only person who’s put in more work than me is Negan himself. I don’t kiss Negan’s ass. I respect the man that sacrifices everything to keep you, me, and everyone else alive and safe. You haven’t had enough taken from you to lose your sense of pride. It’s no wonder you don’t fucking get it.” He finished. 

Simon turned away to look out the window, but I could actually see some sort of real emotion on his face as he became lost in his memories. I could have argued that he had no idea what had been taken from me. I could have argued that I’d lost everything before they brought me here. -But everything I’d lost did not contribute to the foundation of the Sanctuary they built. Everything I’d lost was of no consequence to them. 

That’s when I realized, Simon was right, but I still had too much pride to admit it. I could feel Negan’s eyes on me, and I was sure he could tell Simon’s words had sunk in. Still, I said nothing, as I stared out the window, losing myself in my own memories.

“Aaand that is all we have time for today.” Negan mocked a therapist before turning on the trucks stereo, filling the awkward silence with Cream's "White Room".

***

The Miners base was located in a heavily wooded area. It appeared they were resourceful people, not only making use of their coal, but also the surrounding forest they used to build cabins. It almost appeared more like a summer camp than a base camp. 

Simon parked a safe distance away before turning off the ignition, and you could feel the air in the truck switch. Now it was all business. The truck shook as the rest of the Saviors stomped and climbed out to gather in line, waiting for Negan’s command. He watched them through the rear view mirror until they were finished before he tilted it to his reflection and smoothed his hair.

“Here they come.” Simon said, watching his side mirror.  
“How many?” He asked.  
“A lot.” Simon said and Negan gripped his bat a little tighter as he flexed his jaw.  
“A whole lot of Miners, and…?” He waited.  
“Aaannnd we have coal.” Simon confirmed.  
“Alright, keep on your toes. Weapons out.” Negan said, pulling the door handle and slipping easily out of the truck with long legs. Meanwhile, I had to scramble and hop on short legs. “Stay close.” Negan reminded me.

As we made our way through the Saviors, I noticed they all appeared tense, like something was off. When I passed David, his gaze shifted to me and I could see apprehension in his blue eyes as he inched a little closer in my direction. I glanced back up at Negan, but he appeared as collected as ever, twirling his bat as he approached the Miners.

They looked exactly how I pictured them. Rugged, gritty and smudged with black coal. They appeared ominous and tough, not as frightened of Negan’s presence as some previous survivors I recalled. Something about that was unsettling. That had to count for something. Maybe they were more powerful than I’d anticipated. 

Negan stopped and stood before a man, not measurably as tall as him, but he stood as tall as him. He had dark hair buzzed short and thick dark brows that sat low and furrowed on his shiny forehead. He was a different kind of ominous than Negan. Far more serious and loathing. It seemed he had a preferred entourage as well. A tall bearded man to his left and a blonde haired woman to his right. She appeared just as bitter as him, giving me a snide look up and down as she sized me up. Apparently, she was unimpressed. I decided in that moment, if shit went south, she would be the first to go.

“As I live and fuckin’ breathe! Clark! Good to see you!” Negan smiled broadly, greeting him like a business partner.  
“Negan.” Clark said shortly.  
“I hear you have a gift for me.” Negan said.  
“A winter’s worth of coal. Nothing more, nothing less.” He said.  
“Well! That is peachy fuckin’ keen! That is what I like to hear! -But I just have to ask…” Negan leaned in close. “Why pile on the whole shit brigade for a simple trade deal?” He spoke deeply, referring to Clark’s men.  
“Trade deal?” The woman scoffed before Clark lifted a hand to silence her. As much as I didn’t like her, I could almost sympathize with her in that moment.  
“I could ask you the same.” Clark stood his ground, but I could see beads of sweat forming on his bald head. Negan simply laughed.  
“Well someones gotta load the coal for me, and besides that, I just had a feelin’.” He said.  
“Then why don’t you just can it, take your shit and get out of here?” The woman intervened, cocking her gun threateningly and bringing everyone to a halt for a brief moment.

I angrily lifted my handgun and aimed for her teeth. No one spoke to Negan like that but me. She quickly followed, cocking her head to the side as if to challenge me as she took aim. Soon there was a cascade of clicking and clacking as the Saviors and the Miners lifted their weapons for a stand off. The tense silence that followed was only broken when Negan suddenly drew out a long whistle.

“How much you wanna bet on your girl there, Clark? Because I would gamble my left nut on mine.” He laughed. 

Though I was buzzing with adrenaline I could still feel the pride swell in my chest, but I didn’t allow it to break my focus. I remained ready, my finger on the trigger, not even allowing myself a blink. It seemed Clark’s woman wasn’t backing down either.

Everyone was deadly still and silent, holding our breaths. -Except for Negan. Negan showed no fear as he ambled between the woman and I, taking hold of my forearm and lowering my gun as he shoved me behind him. He lifted his bat onto his shoulder and towered over the woman who’s gun was now pressed into his chest. My heart was racing now. All it took was a second.

“Did you tell me to fuckin’ _can it?_ ” Negan asked and Laura’s hand began to shake.  
“Laura.” Clark warned, clenching his teeth. “Laura lower your gun.” She broke her stare to glance at him, then back at Negan who hadn’t so much as flinched. A moment later she scowled in defeat before she finally dropped her hand. I suddenly felt like I could breathe again.  
“Attagirl.” Negan laughed. “You’re a fighter though. I like that. I like em’ mean…” He leaned over to look at her back side. “-And _tight_. I do believe you’d make a fine wife.” He bit his lip and she glared. Now both Clark and I were fidgeting.  
“Step off her.” He intervened.  
“Don’t worry I’m not gonna take your girl. Just your coal… and your weapons.” He added before he suddenly knocked the gun from Laura’s hand, disarming her. “Little Bird.” He summoned.

I leapt without question, knocking Laura down on her knees before shoving my gun into the back of her matted blonde head. The green monster in me would rather have just pulled the trigger, but I waited for Negan’s command. Meanwhile, it appeared Clark’s cold menacing shell was finally breaking. Now he appeared panicked as his eyes shifted from Negan to Laura, to me.

“I don’t like to kill women if I can help it, but Little Bird here? Well, she is meaner than shit if you provoke her. So I’d keep real still if I were you.” Negan warned her before approaching Clark once more. “Now we’re gonna try this again. We are taking your coal _and_ we are taking your weapons. So…” Negan waited, but he hesitated. “Clark you are wearing my patience fuckin’ thin as fuck! And after I have busted my balls to be so generous with you! The fact that your woman over there is still alive and pissin her pants is a god damn miracle that I bestowed upon you. Do _not_ fuck this up! Give me the guns. _Now_.” Negan demanded.

Clark finally handed over his weapon and signaled the others to do the same. As the Saviors began collecting their arms, most of them were submissive, but there were a few less willing. Suddenly a fight broke out and a machine gun went off spraying across the Miners vehicles. As the bullets collided with the coal truck, there was an explosion so large that even Negan’s demeanor broke.

“Run for the trees!!” He shouted as hot coals came raining down on us.  
“Jesus fuck! What in the god damn fucking hell was that!?” Negan shouted as he gripped my wrist and pulled us into the thick brush. “Simon!” He called.  
“Here!” He answered.  
“Find that sack of shit Clark! I want him alive!” He ordered.

As we ducked and weaved through the trees we would occasionally run into one of the Miners, but Negan spared no one as he cracked them with his bat. I hadn’t so much as lifted my gun as I struggled to keep up with his long strides. Then we spotted Laura in the distance and he stopped.

“Get her.” Negan growled.

Again, I didn't hesitate. This was my fight. When we caught eyes she ran, so I sprinted for her. It wasn’t long before she lost her footing and tumbled into the ground, but as I approached her she kicked my feet from beneath me. As we struggled to gain control, I became enraged and determined to show her she would regret underestimating me. I managed to restrain her hands as I straddled her and began punching her into the dirt. She clawed at my face and hair, then gripped my neck before I wrapped my hands around hers and began strangling her. I felt a rush as I watched the panic in her eyes. It felt like I was draining her life and consuming it myself. She was gasping and clawing for air when Negan caught up with us.

“Ease up Little Bird. I want this one alive too.” He said. I looked up at him unhinged and I reluctantly pulled away, panting and shaking as I tried to compose my instincts. Laura coughed, spurting blood across my face and I grimaced as I wiped it away before slapping her and pinning her down again. “See I told you she was mean.” He laughed.

Negan used his belt to tie Laura’s arms, then together we yanked her onto her feet. She stumbled between us as we dragged her along. Though we could still hear a few gunshots in the distance, it seemed combat was tapering down. Negan drew out a long whistle, high and then low pitched as if he was calling for something. A moment later I heard the same chirp from several directions and more further in the distance. I suddenly realized he was signaling the Saviors. It seemed Laura did too, as she began to shake. 

Negan signaled again. The whistles were louder, closer, and soon I could see the rest of the Saviors emerging from the brush, grouping together again. As we broke through the trees back toward the Miner’s base camp, it seemed we were almost all intact. Simon emerged as well, dragging Clark with him. He looked worse than his counter part.

The base camp was now only a shell of what it used to be. Hot coals were scattered like land mines all over, and the cabins had turned into nothing more than fire pits. The few unarmed Miners that were left were taming the flames, and they cowered at us as we approached, with their leaders in tow.

“Wow! That shit was unexpected! Holy hell!” Negan sighed, back to his usual demeanor. “Everyone gather up! Miners to the left, Saviors to the right! -Except you two…” He motioned to Clark and Laura. “You stay right here with me.” He grinned.

As the groups split and everyone took their right place, I scanned the Saviors, searching for my friends. I spotted Joey first. He was alive, disheveled and out of breath, but alive. I searched for David next, but suddenly there was a loud crack. A pop of a single bullet before it zipped just between Negan and I. There was a thud and a sudden intake of air and I spun around to see David, hunched over gripping his chest.

“David…” My voice quivered. My heart stopped as he pulled his hands away, covered with blood.


	14. Cry Baby

David hobbled over and collapsed on the ground, his chest bleeding out at my feet. I couldn’t swallow back the sob that escaped me as I knelt down beside him, lifting his head into my lap. As I frantically searched for a pulse, more bullets began flying over head and I hunched over him protectively. They quickly ceased as the Saviors tackled and detained the shooter.

“You fuckers are just full of surprises today! Hot _damn_ that was close!” Negan exclaimed as they shoved the shooter down on his knees before him. “You cock eyed son of a bitch, you shot David!” He said.  
“I was aiming for you.” The shooter growled.  
“Well, you fuckin’ missed!” He said.

Negan suddenly swung his bat so hard there was a loud crack as it split and broke in half. Though the force was enough to knock him over, the man was still alive and groaning in pain as Negan looked down at his bats remains, now seething with rage.

“ _Mother fucker_! Look what you did you hard headed piece of shit!” He growled as he gripped the handle and pointed the sharp splintered end just inches from the man’s eye, but he flinched and turned away. “No! You open your fuckin’ eyes! Look at it!” Negan demanded, but as he carried on I suddenly heard a soft croak beneath me.  
“David?” I breathed as his heavy eyes fluttered open. “David! -Negan… Negan!” I cried out.  
“What!?” Negan turned to me looking irate.  
“He’s alive!” I said.  
“God dammit…” Negan sighed in disappointment and plunged the remains of his bat into the shooters eye.  
“David! Look at me! Focus on me!” I said, brushing the soiled hair from his pale face. The brightness of his blue eyes was dull and fading.  
“L-Luc…” He croaked through labored shallow breaths.  
“Sh, sh, sh… It’s okay. I’m here. I’m gonna take care of you until we get you to Dr. Bran.” My voice and hands shook as I pulled him into my arms. “Negan we have to get him to Dr. Bran.” I said urgently.  
“He’s not gonna make it two hours. Just put him out of his misery.” He waved a lethargic hand.  
“Negan, please! I can keep him alive until we get him back to the Sanctuary! Please!” I begged and he slouched his shoulders as he sighed.  
“This day is just kickin’ my fuckin’ balls!” He motioned bitterly. “Simon! Load up ol' Clark and Laura ‘Miner’ in the truck and bring them to the Sanctuary. Take a couple Saviors with you to keep them in check. Joey, you take this god damn tragedy in the making with you in the Miner’s van. I want the rest of my Saviors to come with me. I am on my very fuckin’ last limb of patience here, so move your asses! Let’s go! Move!” He directed, and just as he turned to leave I stopped him.  
“-Negan… Thank you.” I said sincerely, but he said nothing as he turned away again.  
“Jesus I’m too fuckin’ nice to you fuckin’ people!” He complained as he went.

***

Joey drove as fast as he could take us toward the Sanctuary, occasionally glancing anxiously in the rear view mirror. Meanwhile, I was frantically searching a first aid kit we’d found in the van. There wasn’t much to work with besides the necessities. I quickly scrubbed my hands clean with alcohol wipes as I kneeled on the floorboard beside David, my cold hands shaking as I unraveled the gauze.

“David, listen to me. This is going to hurt, but it’s going to help control the bleeding. Just bear with me okay? I’m sorry.” I said before I began stuffing his wound.

As I shoved my finger into the warm bloodied bullet hole in his chest, David groaned in pain. He gasped and croaked for air, gripping the seat beneath him as he clenched his teeth, squirming and writhing in pain.

“Almost done, David. Just hang on.” I said, stuffing the last bit before applying pressure. 

I heard a soft murmur, an attempt to speak, but when I looked up again he had blacked out. I quickly felt for a pulse, I felt for his breath and though they were still there, they were weak and fading. I wasn’t sure how much longer he would make it. 

***

Two hours felt like an eternity, but when we finally reached the Sanctuary, I leapt out of the van. Joey and several other Saviors helped carefully and quickly haul David inside. I did my best to keep up, trying to keep pressure on his wound before we burst inside the infirmary and laid David on the examination table.

“Dr. Bran!” I called frantically, but he was already by my side, checking David’s breathing before furrowing his brow.  
“Pneumothorax. He has a collapsed lung.” He said and though his voice remained calm, his hands moved with urgency as he tended to the injury. “Turn him over on three.” Dr. Bran readied himself, counting before we lifted David onto his side. “We have an exit wound. Believe it or not, that’s a good thing. No need for surgery. Sara,” He addressed the new girl who had been anxiously waiting to assist. “We’ll need a fourteen gage decompression needle.” He said.

The seconds that passed felt like hours of wasted time as I watched Sara search for the needle. I wanted to shove past her and fetch it myself, but I couldn’t leave David’s side. Instead, I brushed my hand softly over his cheek in an attempt to console him as he gasped and wheezed. 

When Dr. Bran finished, we laid David on his back once more, to find his lips were becoming pale as he struggled for air. Finally, Sara returned with the needle and Dr. Bran searched and pressed with the pads of his fingers before puncturing a specific spot on David’s chest. There was a faint hiss as the air escaped his chest cavity, releasing the pressure from his lungs. 

“There it is. He should be able to get a full breath soon.” Dr. Bran finally relaxed his shoulders.  
“Thank you, Doc.” I sighed with relief, feeling like I myself could breathe again.  
“You stay and observe your patient. We’ll give you a moment.” He said kindly, with a knowing look in his eyes before he and the others left the room.

As I ran my fingers through David’s hair, all of the emotion I’d been suppressing poured over me and I wept. I rested my head lightly on his chest and listened to his slow and weakened heart beat, and I didn’t leave his side for hours.

***

A few days later, David was taken to a private room for rest and observation. I stayed with him day and night, checking his vitals and temperature often. He’d remained in a deep coma-like sleep, but he was far from resting. I could tell his body was fighting hard as he’d started breaking out in a feverish sweat. 

With a cool wet rag, I began cleansing and wiping his face, but I was startled when he coughed suddenly, wheezing and gasping before arching his back and moaning in pain. As I hushed and eased him back to down again, my emotions got the best of me and I began to cry. Then suddenly I heard the door and quickly dried up before I continued patting his face with the wet cloth.

“Doc, I think-“ 

I glanced up expecting Dr. Bran but was startled to find it was Negan. I hadn’t seen him since the incident. The look on his face was hard to read, but there certainly wasn't any trace of sympathy for David.

“So he’s alive.” Negan said.  
“Yeah, for now. Sorry for your loss.” I said sarcastically.  
“Hey now, I don’t wish death on the poor fucker. He’s got it bad enough already.” He said.  
“How selfless of you.” I huffed.  
“Little Bird, I didn’t come to kick your boy while he’s down. I came to check on you. How are you holdin’ up?” He asked.  
“Fine…” I shrugged, but it was half hearted.  
“Come here.” He pulled me into a hug.

The gesture felt strange standing above David’s possible death bed. Still, I accepted rather stiffly at first, but as I breathed in the scent of Negan I softened. I felt safe wrapped in his arms, but that security brought me to tears again. Though I wanted to resist them in front of Negan, I couldn’t suppress the sob that escaped me as I inhaled sharply. Negan didn't say anything, he just continued to hold me, but I could feel my emotion had made him tense.

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to keep it together.” I said, pulling away to wipe my eyes.  
“You’ve been in here for fuckin’ days. Maybe it’s time you take a break.” Negan said.  
“No. I can’t leave him.” I shook my head.  
“What, you afraid you’re gonna miss out on the party?” Negan laughed insensitively as he motioned to David’s seemingly lifeless body.  
“No, Negan.” I started sternly. “I’m afraid if I leave something could happen and… And I wouldn’t have been here to help.” My voice shook.  
“Listen, I’m not too proud to say I was wrong, Little Bird. If it had been up to me, I’d have said ‘fuck it’ and capped him between the eyes. -But you didn’t. You saved him. So you’ve already done everything you could do to help. The rest is up to him.” Negan said.  
“-But what if-“  
“What if I told you I missed you?” He stopped me.  
“Negan…” I sighed guiltily.  
“Lucille.” He said simply.  
“-But I have to be here to check his vitals in an hour.” I said.  
“Then I’ll bring you back in an hour.” He said.

***

Negan took me to his room, but he knew I was in no mood for our usual bedroom activities. Instead, he fixed us a cup of coffee to help warm us. The generator was still down, and to conserve energy, he hadn’t allowed the frivolous use of heat. I was sitting on the floor wrapped in a throw blanket with my legs crossed, searching through his record collection. As Negan took a seat on the couch, I glanced up to see him inspecting what appeared to be a single lump of coal.

“Is that what’s left of our disaster?” I asked, placing Cat Steven’s on the turn table, in an attempt to lift my spirits.  
“It’s a dud.” He said, tossing it in the air and catching it.  
“A what?” I asked, snuggling up on the couch beside him, cupping my coffee. Negan handed it to me, before wrapping an arm around me.  
“During the Civil War, they called those ‘coal torpedoes’. They’re fuckin’ bombs made to look like coal so that the engineers wouldn’t notice when they shoveled them into the furnace and blew their own shit to pieces.” He explained and I raised my brows in surprise at his sudden history lesson and then, sudden realization.  
“They were trying to sabotage us.” I said turning the imitation coal in my hand.  
“Yup. I gotta admit, they could have fucked us with that kind of ingenuity.” He said and then sighed as he laid his head back. “Fuuuuck… I’m exhausted.”  
“Hm?” I hummed for him to go on as I gently wiped away a smudge of coal from his cheek.  
“I’ve driven back there three times since to set the rest of those fuckers straight. They're loading up a whole new batch for us. Should be ready by tomorrow.” He said taking my finger and smudging away the black stain with his thumb.  
“How will you know it’s real coal?” I asked.  
“I’ve got a couple of our boys out there keepin’ watch.” He said.

As Negan rested his eyes, I stole a good look at his handsome profile before nestling my head onto his chest. He lifted a hand to my hair and gently ran his fingers through it, relaxing me. As I settled in, I could hear his heart beating strong and healthy in his chest and I suddenly began to feel guilty again. I had to get back to David.

“I have to go.” I sat up.  
“You said an hour.” He said, gripping my hand and tugging me back.  
“And it’s been over an hour.” I pulled away again.  
“Fuck you. You don’t walk away from me.” Though his words were bossy, his voice was soft as he yanked me back again and kissed me before I could protest. The kiss was gentle and affectionate, just enough to make me melt. -But it was brief as I forced myself away again.  
“I have to go…” I whispered, pressing my forehead to his.  
“I expect you back to work tomorrow.” He said as I turned to leave.  
“But-“  
“-But fuckin’ nothing. The new girl can keep an eye on David. I’ve tried to be accommodating, but I’m still your boss. I need you here. We’ve still got that god damn Miner couple in holding cells downstairs to deal with, and there’s plenty more work to do before winter comes along. You’ll be here tomorrow, bright eyed and bushy fuckin’ tailed. Got it?” He said sternly.  
“Fine.” I sighed.  
“Yes, sir.” He corrected.  
“Yes, sir.” I rolled my eyes as I left.

As I made my way back to David’s observation room I suddenly realized, in the midst of the most chaos and despair I’d ever experienced in the Sanctuary, that was the most normal interaction I’d ever shared with Negan. For a moment he actually looked like a real attainable person. He’d shown real vulnerability. He’d even told me he missed me, but David needed me more.

***

The following morning Negan and I were driving back to the Miner’s community to oversee the shipment. Normally cruising down the highway in his ‘Betty’ listening to Led Zeppelin would have been like a dream come true, but I was restless. Five hours there, five hours back, and whatever time we spent at the mines meant this trip would take a whole day. I couldn’t help wondering how David was doing back at the Sanctuary. Not to mention, Dr. Bran had been working endlessly since the incident. I wondered how he was holding up. Then suddenly Negan switched off the stereo, looking flustered.

“Quit fidgeting, you’re getting on my nerves.” He said.  
“What?” I shook my head, too lost in thought to even hear what he’d said. Then suddenly he yanked the truck to the side of the road and came to a harsh stop.  
“Quit fidgeting and get your head in the fuckin’ game. I’ve got enough on my mind right now. I don’t need your bull shit.” He said.  
“Oh, this must be so hard for _you_.” I said sarcastically.  
“Lucille, that’s one.” He warned, lifting a finger.  
“Or what? You’re gonna ditch me on the side of the road?” I huffed.  
“I’m fuckin’ thinkin’ about it!” He said.  
“Then I’ll decide for you.” I said, hopping out and slamming the door behind me.  
“Get your ass back in the god damn truck!” Negan shouted. 

I doubled back only to grab my bag as I flipped him off through the window. Negan leapt out and met me at the tailgate looking beyond livid as he snatched my bag and pressed me against the truck. I resisted at first, but he pinned my arms behind me before gripping my chin, trying to overpower me the only way he knew how. So I shoved away.

“Let go of me.” I gritted my teeth and I was surprised when he released me.  
“You wanna go? Go.” He said, but I hesitated. “Go ahead. Fuckin’ run. Run away to David.” He went on.

I didn't. Of course, I didn't. -Because this is what we were. Harsh words followed by hard make-up sex. We drove each other out of our minds until we were left with only our bodies to guide us. We did what felt good on tender flesh because everything else was too difficult or too painful to bear. 

So instead I lunged forward and took his tongue while my hands eagerly gripped his leather jacket. Negan pinned my hands behind my back again and shoved his leg between my knees. He took hold of my ass as he hiked me up his thigh where I felt his hardness restrained in his pants. I whimpered between his lips as he began grinding into me, the pressure teasing my clit, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted more.

“You think just because I let you suck my dick you can flip me off and get away with it?” He asked, still not releasing my arms.  
“No.” I said, but he slapped me. “No sir!” I corrected.  
“That’s right.” He freed only one of my hands. “Reach into your pants. Shove that finger up your pussy. Get it wet for me.” He said and I did, gladly. Anything to release some of the pressure building between my legs. As I dove into myself, Negan thrusted, pushing my finger further and I gasped. “That’s it, now bring it back up here. Give me a taste.” He said.

I lifted my middle finger before him, now wet and dripping with my body’s desperation for more. I shivered all over as I watched him take my finger in his mouth and suck it clean. Just as I thought he’d release me, he barred down and bit me making me yelp and recoil.

“Do that again and I will cut that shit off. You understand?” He slapped me.  
“Yes sir!” I whined.  
“Get on your knees.” He said, pulling away and unbuttoning his pants.

He didn’t have to ask. I eagerly reached for his cock and brought it to my lips. My heart was racing as I slipped him into my mouth and I was savoring the familiar taste of it when he pulled away and shoved me back.

“You want it?” He asked, holding and presenting it like a treat.  
“Yes. Yes sir.” I nodded desperately as I reached again, but he slapped my hand away.  
“Put your hands behind your fuckin’ back. Open that big ass mouth.” He said, and I complied before he shoved his length into the back of my throat until I gagged. Then he pulled it away again. “Say, ‘thank you, Negan’.” He said.  
“Thank you, Negan.” I repeated.  
“Say ‘thank you for letting me suck your cock’.” He said.  
“Thank you for letting me-“ He shoved it in again. “-for letting me suck your cock.” I coughed.  
“That’s right! Because you’re my dirty girl. Right? And it is a privilege to suck my dick. Isn’t it?” He asked.  
“Yes sir.” I nodded.  
“Good girl. Now I want you to take that finger you flipped me off with and fuck yourself. Get up.” He ordered.

As I stood to my feet, Negan lowered the tailgate and shoved me onto it. He yanked away my pants before standing before me, waiting for me to obey. I felt my face redden as I lifted my legs, spreading them apart as I sunk my fingers inside myself. I was soaking wet now. As I began to move in and out I looked up at his burning eyes and he stood there watching me.

“Harder.” He said, so I did. “Use your thumb to play with your clit. Don’t half ass it.” He said, so I did and I moaned. “What are you thinking about?” He asked.  
“You fucking me.” I answered honestly and he laughed.  
“Yeah, I bet you are. Keep going.” He said.

As I went on I could feel the sensations building. My chest began rising and falling as I panted, throwing my head back as I got closer to the edge. I felt my insides tighten and flex and I gripped the truck preparing myself for release.

“Stop.” He said.  
“Negan, please! I’m so close!” I begged, my fingers refusing to quit.  
“Nope. Stop.” He said simply.  
“Fuck…” I whined as I pried my hand away, clamping my shaking legs together.  
“Open up.” He slapped my thighs apart, and used his fingers to split me open, exposing my heat to the cold air around us before slapping my clit. “You look ready. Are you ready?” He asked.  
“Yes! Yes sir!” I said resisting the urge to lunge for him.  
“Can you say please?” He asked.  
“Please!” I said.  
“Beg me.” He said.  
“Please, Negan! Fuck me, please! Please!” I ached.  
“There’s my Little Bird. _Right there_ …” He pointed as he laughed deeply.

He took hold of my jaw as he peered into me and slowly plunged his cock inside me. I shivered as I wrapped my legs around him, pulling him in deeper. Negan leaned down to kiss me, and as he began moving his hips I groaned. It didn’t take long for me to come. My body was ready to burst ages ago. As his hot skin thrashed against my own I reached an orgasm so intense I wept before Negan followed, coming inside me. It took us a moment to recover as we caught our breaths again.

“My god are you _crying?_ ” He patronized, leaning down to inspect me.  
“No. Shut up.” I panted, as I quickly wiped my face.  
“You _are!_ Oh my god! That is fuckin’ _rich!_ ” He squirmed and grinned with enthusiasm.  
“Shut up!” I shoved him.  
“What are you gonna cry about it?” He laughed.

I stormed back to the truck, taking the wheel this time and roared the engine to a start. Negan surprisingly didn’t resist, as he hopped into the passenger’s side, still laughing to himself.

“Oh good. You drive, and I’ll take a nap.” He settled into his seat, grinning from ear to ear.  
“Sure. Go ahead.” I said bitterly, cranking up the stereo far too loud for him to sleep.


	15. Time and Punishment

By the end of the week, it seemed things were falling back in order. A very generous, decoy-free shipment of coal had been successfully delivered to the Sanctuary. Negan had re-established his dominance over the Miners community. And their former leaders, Laura and Clark, were now known as prisoners A and B. Rather than putting them down for good, Negan decided to make good use of them doing the grunt work around the Sanctuary. 

Early one afternoon, I was on supervision duty as the prisoners wrangled and secured the walkers that surrounded the grounds, but to say I was supervising was a stretch. Lounging at the base of the stairs, I’d found more interest in a bag of sunflower seeds and a book. That was until Negan approached, grabbing my full attention. He was tall and handsome as ever, with a brand new bat perched on his broad leather shoulder.

“Hi there.” I couldn’t help but smile.  
“Hey, kid.” He winked, making my insides flutter.  
“New toy?” I asked, motioning to the bat.  
“Yes ma’am! What do you think?” He asked, swinging it idly before I noticed an interesting new addition.  
“What’s with the barbed wire?” I asked.  
“Well, it helps absorb some of the impact, puts a little more weight in my swing, probably hurts like hell, and besides that, it looks fuckin’ awesome. It’s an upgrade.” He said inspecting his handiwork.  
“And maybe a tad overkill.” I teased.  
“Oh yeah? Well, you’ve had my slugger in your face on more than one occasion. -Pun _intended_. So you tell me, Little Bird. Which is scarier?” He brought the new and improved bat to my face and I had to pull away a bit.  
“Point taken.” I said.  
“That’s right. She looks good, _feels_ good… Why I think I’ll call her ‘Lucille’.” He smirked.

I had to admit, ‘Lucille’ suited her, and she definitely suited him. I wanted to resist the full on grin as I blushed, but failed. The look in his eye and the way he smiled. He just had a way with me. Negan seemed to know that all too well as he sauntered a little closer to me, but there were far too many eyes around us, so I backed away.

“You know, much like the original, your Lucille is not very user-friendly. Better be careful or she’ll nick you.” I teased.  
“Oh, believe me. I know just how to handle her.” He said deeply.

Negan started toward me again with a look of mischief in his dark eyes as he licked his teeth. If his tongue kept that up, I wasn’t sure I could resist him much longer. Luckily we were interrupted though when Joey came rushing from out of the Sanctuary. The moment he spotted me, he hurried over looking out of breath, but bright with good news.

“Hey Lucille, I’ve been looking for you. -Hey, boss.” He paused to address Negan who looked annoyed by him cutting in on our cat and mouse dance.  
“What the fuck do you want Fat Joey?” He asked.  
“I just came to tell Lucille, David’s awake.” He said and my heart skipped.  
“H-He’s awake?” I quickly gathered my things to leave but froze when I noticed the stern expression on Negan’s face. “Can I go? If Joey takes over for me? -Joey do you mind?” I asked, my feet and eyes shifting anxiously.  
“Sure, yeah. I’ll cover for you.” Joey said kindly while Negan rolled his eyes. He didn’t say anything but simply motioned his head for me to go. I practically ran.

***

When I reached David’s observation room, I started to feel nervous. Despite everything that happened, we still hadn’t quite made up after him finding out about Negan and I. I wondered if when he saw me he would remember, or if he would even care, but I stopped myself. It was selfish to even think of it. I was just glad he was alive. Still I couldn’t shake the nervous feeling as I slowly inched open his door and peeked inside to find him sitting up in bed, staring at seemingly nothing. He appeared so tired and lonely. It broke my heart.

“David?” I called as I knocked lightly.  
“Hey, Lucy.” His kind and familiar smile was enough to ease my nerves.  
“How are you feeling?” I asked softly, closing the door behind me.  
“Like I got shot in the chest.” He chuckled but winced at the pain that followed.  
“Do you need some more pain meds?” I rushed over and patted him down with worried hands.  
“I just woke up and you’re trying to knock me out again?” He asked.  
“No. -God, no. Are you okay? Can I get you something else? Maybe some more pillows?” I asked.  
“Just stay and talk with me a while.” He cupped his hand over mine. It felt cold.  
“You want a blanket?” I asked.  
“I want you to relax. You’re freakin’ me out.” He said.  
“I’m sorry, I just…” My eyes began welling up. “I thought I’d never speak to you again.” I said and we sat there in silence for a moment as I tried not to burst into tears.  
“You know, it’s weird. I don’t remember a lot of it, but I remember you. I remember every time I managed to open my eyes, you were looking right back at me and you were so…” He tapered off.  
“Scared and sweaty?” I joked as I sniffed.  
“No. You were brave. And that’s what kept me going.” He said.

For a moment we became lost in a gaze as he searched my eyes for something. I wasn’t sure what exactly he was searching for, but I knew Negan wouldn’t like the way he was looking at me. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to pull away from his blue eyes. I was just so relieved they’d gotten their vibrancy back.

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” I said.  
“I’m getting there.” He said.  
“A lot’s happened while you were out.” I said.  
“Yeah? Tell me all about it. I’m already bored of laying in this damn bed.” He said.

Falling back into motion with David was easy. He was like one of those friends that you don’t see for ages, but it’s like you never missed a beat. I caught David up on every detail he’d missed, obviously excluding all those that included Negan. I feared bringing him up at all. I knew we’d have to discuss it eventually, but for now, I just wanted to enjoy David’s company. It felt so good to have him back. I may have been blindly stumbling and falling in love with Negan, but a small part of my heart would always cling to David.

***

A week later, David had acquired enough energy to walk again. I had been bringing him lunch every day, but today he insisted on retrieving it himself. I suggested he take a wheel chair, but he was stubborn and determined to put his legs to use. So I tried my best not to hover as I assisted him downstairs to the cafeteria. We took the stairs slowly, but it was painful to watch the way he clung to the railing, wincing as he took them one step at a time. By the time he reached the bottom, he was winded and breaking out in a sweat.

“Let’s take a break.” I suggested.  
“On the last step?” He rolled his eyes.  
“David, you really shouldn’t be pushing yourself this hard.” I insisted.  
“Trust fall!” He said suddenly.  
“W-What?” I panicked.

I managed to plant my feet in time as he stumbled off the last step, but as tall as he was I struggled to maintain my balance. We clung to each other laughing as we regained our footing. David threw an arm over my shoulder for support before we steadily made our way to the cafeteria. I was still giggling when I looked up and spotted Negan watching us from the platform and my smile quickly faded. He was obviously not the least bit amused, but I didn't allow it to spoil the celebration as we finally reached an open seat.

“We made it.” David lifted his hand for a high-five which I happily reciprocated.  
“Okay, that’s enough for now. You just sit here and take a break. I’ll grab us something to eat.” I said.  
“I want a sandwich with-“ He started.  
“Wheat bread, mustard, and cucumbers instead of onions.” I finished for him.  
“Thanks.” He smiled like a spoiled kid.

As I turned away I glanced discreetly up at the platform, but Negan was gone. I scanned the room for him as I made my way to the vendors, but it was like he’d vanished. Part of me felt guilty because I knew whether or not he’d admit it, seeing David and I together hurt him. Why else would he care? Then again, he could easily drown his sorrows in his sea of women, so I quickly recovered as I took my place in line.

***

The next day I stopped by the infirmary for a quick shower but was surprised to find Dr. Bran wasn’t in. The new girl Sara told me he’d taken the day off, which was simply unheard of. Dr. Bran lived for the infirmary, insisting that an idle body and mind were the number one killer of elders like him. I wondered if he’d pushed himself too hard in the past few weeks. Maybe I could help pick up some slack somewhere. I was just on my way to his room to check on him when Simon approached me.

“Oh great…” I sighed.  
“Trust me, the feeling is mutual. Negan wants to see both of us.” He said.  
“Why?” I raised my brow.  
“I don’t know. I don’t ask, I just do.” He said.  
“And you’re proud of that?” I scoffed.  
“Just move your ass. Let’s get this over with.” He sneered as he turned to leave.

Simon led us toward Negan’s room, confirming our ETA over his transceiver. He appeared so smug beneath his handlebar mustache, and I rolled my eyes as I followed after him. What made him think he was so superior? I did just as much work around the Sanctuary as he did. Twice as much if you considered the mind games I often played with Negan. So in an immature act of defiance, I quickly caught up to walk ahead of him. Sure it might have been childish, but like he himself had once told me, I hadn’t lost enough pride follow behind others, and I certainly wasn’t going start with him.

When we arrived, Negan was sitting looking long, poised and dangerous with a glass of whiskey in hand and his barbed wire bat draped across his lap. Just the sight of him made my skin hot. If it hadn’t been for Simon I might have taken my namesake’s place.

“Come in. Sit a spell.” Negan motioned.

Simon and I took a seat across from him, and it began to feel like we were in the principal's office. Except I’d fucked said principal in nearly every corner of his office and in some twisted way that made me even hotter.

“I brought you two here today because I’ve made a decision. A decision that I believe one of you will be pleased as shit about and the other might be a tad bit pissed about. Now you two are my most trusted companions, you’re the big dogs, so I want your two cents on the matter. I want you to plead your cases and help me decide what’s gonna happen next.” Negan explained.  
“I’m all in boss.” Simon nodded obediently.  
“Okay…” I raised my brow skeptically. In that moment, the dynamics had never been more clear.  
“Lucille I have decided to make you a Lieutenant.” Negan dropped the news abruptly.  
“What?” Simon and I spoke in unison, but our tones were quite off pitch.  
“Really?” I beamed.  
“I think it’s a mistake.” Simon said.  
“Why? Because it proves that your opinion of me is a bunch of bull shit?” I asked.  
“No, because you’re not the least bit fucking qualified and if anything you’ll prove me right.” Simon retorted.  
“Now see _this_ shit!” Negan silenced us as he lifted a finger. “This is exactly the kind of fuckery I was expecting. This shit is what I brought you here to discuss. You _will_ find a common ground after today because now, both of you represent _me_ , and you _will_ not make me look bad. You will not bicker in front of my Saviors and I will not play referee every time one of you gets your fuckin’ panties in a twist. You will figure it the fuck out. Now, I’m not asking you to braid each other's hair or share your deepest secrets, but I am ordering you to settle this shit for good. Find a way to be cordial or you’ll both be spending every waking god damn moment together in an outpost until you do. Are we fuckin' clear?” Negan asked.  
“Yeah. Sure thing boss.” Simon pouted  
“Got it!” I beamed and Simon had to resist a scowl.  
“Simon, grab today's itinerary and gather the troops downstairs while I give your new friend a quick run through. We’ll be down in two shakes.” Negan said.

Simon didn’t utter another word as he left, but I could almost taste the bitterness in the air as he passed me. The second he closed the door behind him though, the air became hot and heavy.

“I suppose I should thank you proper.” I said, immediately shedding away my clothes. Negan’s eyes darkened as I stood before him in my underwear. I picked up his bat from his lap, my hands lingering more than necessary before I posed with it.  
“God _damn_ that’s fuckin’ sexy.” He grinned.  
“Which one’s sexier? Me or ‘Lucille’?” I asked.  
“Well, I can only fuck one of you.” He took his bat and set it aside before yanking me into his lap.

As our tongues became entangled, Negan’s hands ran up my back and into my hair. He pulled it tight as he rolled me over and beneath him, pushing his weight on top of me. I moaned as his hardness pressed between my legs and just as I began to grind against it, he growled deeply before prying himself away. He stood up right and sighed as he smoothed his hair and adjusted himself. Then with a mischievous smirk, he leaned in close to retrieve his bat while I sat there half naked and stunned.

“Up and at it Lieutenant. We’ve got work to do.” He said.  
“Right now? We could just- I mean can’t we squeeze in a quickie for the road?” I tried as I fiddled with his leather lapel.  
“I’ve been waiting on you for a fuckin’ week now. What’s another day?” He said, his eyes narrowing as he insinuated. “Get your clothes on, Lucy.” He said deeply, and it suddenly became clear. I was being punished for time spent with David.


	16. I Am Negan

Negan split us into two groups. Simon would oversee his own Saviors for a scavenge, while I took mine to a “pick up” at the Miner’s base camp. Being able to work my first job as Lieutenant without Simon’s judgment should have been a relief, but Negan had decided to tag along for observation. 

When we arrived the Saviors lugged the Miner’s former leaders out of the back of the truck. I’d brought them with us as a reminder of who was in charge and to help with the heavy lifting. I was clutching the steering wheel with clammy hands as I waited, preparing myself with a mental pep talk. I was caught off guard when Negan reached down the front of my shirt and stuffed a rather bulky device into my bra. My body shivered as his fingers grazed my supple skin.

“What’s this?” I pulled my shirt away to peek inside.  
“It’s a baby monitor.” He said.  
“Why?” I asked, my voice echoing through the transceiver in his hand.  
“To monitor you, baby.” He winked.  
“Wait you’re not coming?” I became more nervous.  
“Fuck no. You’re on your own Little Bird.” He said, lounging back in his seat.

Meanwhile, both the Saviors and the Miner’s had assembled and were waiting to proceed. So I breathed deeply before exiting the truck and took my place before them. I stood as tall as I could manage given my lack of height and took a brief moment to channel my inner Negan.

“I want to start by thanking you all in advance for your cooperation today because I expect nothing less. You might remember my face from our first exchange. I know at least one of you certainly does.” I turned to prisoner B, formerly known as Laura, but she quickly averted her gaze. “-But today I speak on behalf of Negan. So for today, _I_ am Negan. _We_ are Negan and this community belongs to Negan. I’d like to establish some rules so this all runs smoothly. So, I’ll start with you two.” I addressed both prisoners. “You are not to speak to the Miners. In fact, you are not to speak at all. You’re here to help us load the trucks with whatever pickings our Saviors choose. As for the rest of you, you will not speak to our prisoners. You will simply hand over what we came for. We want half your medical supplies and whatever else the Saviors deem useful. This is not a negotiation and it is not up for debate. You don’t get to choose anymore. You lost that luxury when you not only attacked us but tried to sabotage us. Consider this an opportunity to make up for what you’ve done. Now move out.” I dismissed them.

The Miners reluctantly led our Saviors to their supplies and the moment they were out of ear shot I let out a heavy sigh of relief. I’d done it, and I’d done it well. Better than I’d anticipated. I attempted to be discreet as I lifted the collar of my shirt and spoke softly into my breasts, my warm breath tingling my own skin.

“Are you proud of me, Daddy?” I teased.

***

Two hours later, Negan took the wheel and we left the Miner’s base camp with an abundance of medical supplies, fresh and canned food, and miscellaneous goods. My first run as a Lieutenant was a complete and total success. When we got back on the road I was so excited I squealed to myself, and Negan simply chuckled. 

“How does it feel to be on top ‘Negan’?” He asked referencing my speech.  
“Feels good.” I smiled.  
“Hell, if I hadn’t seen you begging on your knees before today, you’d have me convinced.” His praise felt like foreplay.  
“Really? So then do I get a prize?” I asked, nibbling my lip as I scooted closer.  
“For what? Doing your fuckin’ job?” He asked, still refusing to give in to my advances.  
“-But I did it so well.” I cooed in his ear as I ran my hand up his thigh but he pushed me away.  
“Get your ass back in your seat before I crash this fuckin’ truck.” He ordered. 

I pouted, but I complied. Negan may have denied me a lot of things but sex wasn’t one of them and something about that made me want him more. Judging from the size of the bulge in his pants, I knew he wanted me too, but he had far more self-control than I did. I dreaded how long he might keep this up. Another week? Another day? I wasn’t sure I could even withstand another hour.

***

When we arrived back at the Sanctuary, Negan took me to his room to look over the updated inventory numbers. We were silent as I watched him intently. He was deep in thought, looking over the paper work with a hard and heavy brow, rubbing his chin. I loved the way his hands moved. The way his lips parted and wrapped around a glass of whiskey. The way his tongue ran across his lips. I wanted to kiss him. I decided if he wouldn’t give himself to me, I would take him. Having had a taste of what it was like on top, I figured, why not stay there?

I stalked across the room for fear of losing my gall before I clutched his lapels firmly, demanding his attention. Negan seemed surprised for only a brief moment before his expression changed into something cold and forbidding. He looked down at my hands, then back up at me. If I’d been anyone else he might have killed me. The look in his eyes made my knees weak, but I held my ground as I shoved him back into the couch and began stripping away my clothes. His eyes suddenly sparked with interest, and this time he didn’t deny me. Instead, he seemed to be entertaining me as I climbed into his lap.

“You wanna play boss, Little Bird?” He asked, his voice so deep it vibrated inside me.  
“I've heard powerful men like to feel powerless.” I said.  
“And you think you’re more powerful than me?” He smirked in contempt.  
“No one is more powerful than Negan. And I am Negan.” I said, then silenced him with my tongue.

As I kissed him I reached down between us and unbuckled his belt and pants. I pulled his erect cock free and began massaging it until it began to throb in the palms of my hands. His breath became heavy before I pulled away and stood above him.

“Take off your clothes.” I said.

Negan appeared amused as he leisurely removed his jacket and tossed it aside. He lifted his shirt over head then tossed it into my face. It was clear he wasn’t taking me the least bit seriously, so I gathered my courage and slapped him hard across his cheek. He was stunned for a moment before he turned to me with darkened eyes. Then his lips slowly curled up into a grin and he laughed again.

“Give me your belt.” I ordered.  
“Whoa. I draw the fuckin’ line at spanking.” He pointed firmly.  
“I’m not gonna spank you, you idiot.” I said as I yanked his belt from its loops myself.

I shoved him back into the couch and climbed into his lap again, this time slipping his cock inside me. He hissed as I lowered myself down his length and I had to resist the whimper caught in my throat. After taking a moment to compose myself, I wrapped his belt around his neck and slipped it through its buckle to create a choker. Negan gave me a look as if to warn me that I was taking it too far again, so I pulled it tight until he coughed. Then suddenly not even I could take myself seriously, as I released him and began laughing.

“You’re fuckin’ terrible at this.” He rasped as he yanked the belt away.  
“I am!” I doubled over in a fit of giggles, burying my face in his chest.  
“What the fuck are you doing?” He began to laugh as well.  
“I don’t know…” I cupped my cheeks now sore from smiling.  
“Here. Come here. Sit up.” He lifted me and I resisted another burst of laughter. “You want me to show you how to do it?” He asked and I nodded, pursing my lips to force my grin away. “Okay then, get to fuckin’.” He tapped my ass as if to cue me and I began slowly grinding my hips.

As we went on, the mood came back around and I moaned as the sensations began to rise. Negan took hold of my breasts and brought my nipple to his mouth. As he flicked his tongue, my back arched as I shivered and moaned for more.

“Now see, you’re already doing it wrong.” He smirked.  
“What?” I panted and though my body wanted to keep moving, I forced myself to stop.  
“You’re the boss aren’t you? So you tell me when I get to have it. Don’t make this easy for me.” He instructed and I nodded.

I started again, only this time as he sat up and reached for my breasts I shoved him back down again. He smiled with approval and simply watched as I bounced above him. 

“Attagirl… Now think about it. What would Negan do?” He asked.

I took a moment to recall our past encounters and as I imagined him teasing and tempting me, I got hotter. As I imagined the way he made me beg, I got wetter. All the while I had continued thrusting and Negan was savoring it all beneath me.

“Does it feel good?” I cooed.  
“Fuck yes…” He sighed, so I suddenly came to a stop.   
“Do you want more?” I asked as I pulled away to just the very tip of his cock.  
“Fuck yes.” He repeated and I slapped him.  
“Say ‘yes ma’am’.” I corrected and he chuckled deeply.  
“Yes ma’am” He answered.  
“Good boy…” I whispered as I wiggled down his length. 

Negan groaned deeply as I eased all the way to the base of his cock, tightening myself around him. I started slow and steady, then little by little I quickened my pace. Before long he was gripping my ass and thrusting beneath me. So I slowed down again and took a moment to admire the look of pleasure on Negan’s face. He was in deep now and that pulled me even deeper.

“Do you like it?” I panted, lifting his fingers to my mouth and sucking them. He hissed as he watched me.  
“Like it? No, baby, I fuckin’ love it.” He said sitting up and pulling me into his arms, but I didn’t resist. In fact, I was ready to submit fully again.  
“Fuck me, Negan… Make me cum…” I whispered in his ear and I felt him shiver before he took the lead again.

He began thrusting beneath me so hard he was lifting me off the couch. I gasped as he spun me around and took hold of my neck as he continued from behind. His cock was pulsing inside me now, and hitting me in a sweet spot so deep only he seemed to reach. I moaned as he continued, harder, faster, filling me to the brim with an overwhelming sensation of pleasure. 

“Oh god, Negan!” I praised his name as I finally spilled over him, quivering and thrashing in his arms.  
“Jesus fffuuuck!! Lucille!! Oh, shhhiiiiit!” He growled as he followed, releasing inside of me.

He pressed his bearded face to my back, panting hot breath on my skin until he came down again. I fell back into his arms and he cradled me there as we caught out breaths and even after, he continued to spoon me. I traced the lines of a tattoo on his forearm with a single finger as he fiddled with a lock of my hair.

“You did good today, baby.” He kissed my head.  
“Yeah?” I smiled as I nibbled my swollen lips.  
“You were tough as shit. -But you’re not Negan. You are and will always be my Little Bird.” He said.  
“That’s okay… I don’t want to be anyone else.” I admitted.

For a moment, the words ‘I love you’ came creeping up from inside my chest nearly escaping my lips before I swallowed them down again. It wasn’t the right time. It would never be the right time. As Negan reached a gentle hand up to my shoulder and clutched me closer to him, I decided that was enough.

***

After a shower, I left Negan’s room feeling bright, refreshed, and famished. On my way to the vendors, I decided to visit Dr. Bran and invite him to come along. I had so much to tell him since we’d last spoke, and I wondered if he was pleased with the generous delivery of medical supplies he’d received that day. I was practically skipping when I arrived at the infirmary, and let myself in.

“Hey, Doc! You-” I froze in my tracks.

Dr. Bran was hunched over, swaying and looking at seemingly nothing. He slowly turned at the sound of my voice but his face was distorted, his eyes were blood shot and an eery unnatural shade of gray. He opened his mouth and let out an airy growl and I suddenly realized, Dr. Bran was no longer there.

“No… No, no, no…” I shook my head as my eyes began welling up. 

I wanted to look away, I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. I simply backed away toward the fire alarm, a protocol somewhere in my subconscious. I pulled it, alerting the building as he came lurching toward me, his arms stretched out, clawing for me. I continued backing away slowly.

“Please…” I begged foolishly, my hand shaking as I reached for my handgun.

Suddenly I heard another hiss and cold, rigid hands gripping me from behind. I struggled as I spun around, wielding my knife and plunging it into the bloodied temple of what used to be Sara. Her body sagged and caved at my feet and I clamored over her, hoping to save time. 

I couldn’t face Dr. Bran. I couldn’t be the one to put him down. I counted down the seconds as I heard feet stomping and sprinting down the hall, growing closer, but they weren’t fast enough. Dr. Bran’s corpse reached me sooner as it stumbled over Sara’s body and fell into me. I used my forearm to force him back and pointed my gun into his mouth. I held my breath and my heart stopped as I pulled the trigger. The sound of the blast bounced off the walls and my ears were ringing as I stood staring blankly at nothing. 

Only a moment later, Negan and several Saviors came barreling into the infirmary. I turned to them, wide eyed. I felt like I was drowning. I felt my knees giving out when Negan scooped me up and rushed me out of the infirmary, leaving the Saviors to deal with the remains. 

The moment we reached the safety of the next room, I gripped his leather jacket and buried my face in his chest, shivering all over. Negan wrapped his arms tightly around me as the tears poured out of me and I sobbed. My feet gave out beneath me, and I simply dangled there.


	17. Time (Mini Chapter)

I’d lost the father I never had. He had been the only consistency in my life and the only person that could slow down my busy mind. Now without him, my brain was loud and toiling in complete silence.

It took me days to even leave my bed after the loss of Doc. No one called me to duty for over a week, and I wasn’t expected. There were occasional sympathy visits, but I didn’t answer. I simply needed time and in the time of my mourning, I avoided everyone. Especially Negan. Irrational as it was, I couldn’t help thinking in some way it was his fault. If he hadn’t taken me from the infirmary to begin with, maybe this never would have happened. Maybe I would have seen there was something wrong and done something sooner.

Of course, the reality was, I chose to go with Negan. I’d chosen all of it. And in the end, there was nothing I could have done. It was time that took Dr. Bran, but I could have been there for him if I hadn’t fallen for Negan. He didn’t even love me back, and that too broke my heart.

***

The day I woke with the nerve to start again, I thought first to stop and check on David. There was no one else left to treat him after all, and he was the closest I could get to normalcy. I knew Negan would be angry, but if he cared even the slightest bit he would let it slide.

David wasn’t staying in an observation room anymore, so before I went to his room I had to stop by the infirmary for supplies. As I made my way down the familiar hallway I could feel a deep aching in my stomach. My hands were clammy as I reached for the door handle. I took a deep breath before I entered.

It was still and silent inside. A shell of what it used to be. It was dead.

I thought I’d had no more tears left to shed, but as I stood before Dr. Bran's desk I wept silently. I took a moment to dry my eyes before I searched his patient documents for David’s file, and gathered the supplies according to his treatments and dosages. His handwriting was just as I’d remembered it. Neat, clean, and minimal.

When I was done, I took my time putting the files back just the way he’d kept them. I was reaching to close the drawer when I spotted my own file. I curiously pulled it out and looked over his notes. It was all typical records of my check ups, but as I flipped through them an envelope slipped out onto the desk. My name was scribbled across the front. It was his handwriting, but far less polished. I knew whatever was written inside was too much to face on my own, so I snatched it up and headed for David’s room.

***

David welcomed me with open arms and pulled me into a comforting hug that nearly brought me to tears again. I swallowed them back before I unpacked my things and got to work. We caught up and chatted casually as I treated his wound accordingly. He was nearly healed and that was something to be thankful for. Afterward, we sat staring down at the letter from Dr. Bran.

“Are you gonna read it?” David asked.  
“I can’t.” I said softly.  
“Do you want me to read it to you?” He asked and I nodded.

David opened the letter carefully, making sure not to rip even the lip of the envelope. He took a moment to scan the words, then glanced up at me for assurance. Again I nodded, and he took a deep breath before he read.

_“Lucille,_

_I never wanted to burden you with the news about my health. I would be selfish to tell you knowing you would put your life on hold for my own. I am old and it is inevitable. I am writing to tell you the words I can’t say now, but you should most certainly hear. I am proud of you Lucille. Just as you once said I was the father you never had, you were the daughter I’d once dreamt of when I was young. I know now you were destined for other things, but you would have made a fine successor. I’m not telling you this to guilt you or sway you. I am telling you because I want you to remember what you are capable of. If you put your mind to something, I believe you will most certainly succeed. It is admirable. You are admirable._

_With love,  
Doc”_

By the time David finished, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I sobbed as I gripped my head in my hands, curling into myself. David took a seat beside me and placed a consoling hand on my back patiently. After several minutes I regained my composure and sat up to wipe my eyes. I was exhausted again. So I thanked him before gathering my things and going back to the safety of my room. It wasn’t time to start again.

***

The next day I peeled my tired eyes open and sat up from a damp pillow. I had cried myself to sleep. I got up and rinsed my face with cool water before glaring out the window at the gloomy morning outside. Frost was covering the ground now and the trees were bare. The surrounding forest was still and quiet. It seemed the whole world was dead. I was staring blankly, deep in my own head when I was startled by a knock at my door. It was Negan.

“Little Bird…” He said ruefully as he wrapped his arms around me. For some reason, it wasn’t as comforting as I’d imagined it should be. “How you doin’?” His deep voice rumbled in my ear as I rested my head on his chest.  
“Terribly.” I said honestly. Negan gently lifted me onto the counter before him and wrapped his arms around my waist as he kissed my forehead.  
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” He sighed, resting his chin on my head.  
“At least I got a goodbye letter. That’s more than most people get these days…” I sniffed.  
“A goodbye letter?” He asked, as his hands caressed my back.  
“I found it when I went to the infirmary for David’s aftercare chart.“ I said honestly. I was too tired to lie and my mind wasn’t sharp enough to cover my tracks anyway.  
“You saw David?” Negan pulled away.  
“Someone has to treat him.” I shrugged.  
“You fuckin’ _went_ to David?” He narrowed his eyes.  
“ _No_. I _treated_ David. Our entire medical staff is dead if you haven’t noticed. Taking over the infirmary right now is the least I could do for Doc. -And anyway, David is my friend. Most people seek the comfort of friends in times of mourning.” I slid off the counter and moped away. I was in no mood to fight him. Negan ran a flustered hand down his face and sighed before speaking again.  
“Alright. Fair enough.” He said surprisingly. “Let’s go grab you some breakfast. You need to get out of this tomb for a while.” He suggested. 

I thought it odd that he was being so civil. I wasn’t really hungry, but I knew saying 'no' to his attempts at being there for me might very quickly turn him uncivil. So I threw on something comfortable and joined him for breakfast.

***

We had a simple burial service for Doc and Sara. Just a handful of people and a few dried wild flowers that we placed on two graves that the Saviors dug near the tree line. I didn’t cry in front of them, but I stayed there for several hours, toughing it out in the cold. I wasn’t ready to walk away yet. -And I didn’t until the first snow began to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader,  
> I want to first say, thank you so much for reading and following my story. I've never submitted any of my writing anywhere until now and your positive feedback/comments have meant so much to me. I am going out of town for a few days, but I plan to take my story with me and write whenever I can. Just wanted to let you know if I'm not as active it's only temporary. I hate to leave the story on this note, so I'll do my best to keep it moving. I've never been more encouraged and excited to write and it's all thanks to you. -So, thank you! <3


	18. Preventive Measures

I’d been working in the infirmary for a week now and I never got used to the silence. Days were slow and I’d seen a few patients as a bout of winter colds sprung up in the Sanctuary. Treatment was simple, only some requiring antibiotics. I didn’t know much about it, so I prescribed them rather blindly. It didn’t matter. They would live.

The one up side to being back in the infirmary was the use of its shower, which I took advantage of more often than usual. Not just to warm my skin, but because I liked to imagine I would come out to something different. Of course, I never did. Every time I stepped out of the shower, the infirmary was just as cold and empty.

I was freshly cleansed when I sighed and slouched back into Doc’s old seat. I ran my hands over the wooden arm rests where the polish was worn and faded. I could almost feel his presence lingering there. Like his ghost was still trapped in the same routine. Still haunting the same old pages of the same old books in search of knowledge that he already knew but feared he might forget with age. I always teased him saying they must have been ‘page turners’ as much as he read them. If he’d had a will I’m sure he would have left the books to me as a final banter.

“Still not bored enough for that.” I spoke aloud to him as if he was there.

My eyes idly scanned his desk before they fell on the jar of lollipops he kept for patients. I snatched one for myself and tore away the wrapper. It was red. The same color Negan chose the day I first met him. I placed the lollipop in my mouth, twisting it with my thumb and index finger, just as he had done. It tasted like cherry.

“Cherry popper…” I licked my lips.

Of course, he wasn’t a literal cherry popper. I was far from a virgin when I met Negan, but sex with him was a whole new experience. He’d shown me what good sex was. The raw, authentic kind. The kind that overruled your better judgment and crippled your self-control. The kind that sent an unsuspecting metaphorical virgin into a downward spiral of unchecked feelings and emotions.

“Idiot.” I scorned myself as I tossed the lollipop in the trash. “What am I gonna do, Doc?” I sighed.

Only a moment later, David came knocking for a “check up”, which was really just code for a friendly visit. He was nearly good as new now so it wasn’t necessary, but of course I was always pleased to see him. David always knew how to lift my spirits and they were certainly in need of heavy lifting.

“Doctor Lieutenant Lucy.” He smiled the way he always did. So broad it wrinkled his bright eyes.  
“Hey.” I smiled but it wasn’t convincing.  
“You okay?” He asked.  
“Yeah, I’m okay. Better than bad.” I shrugged.  
“Yeah, but that’s not good either.” He said.  
“Well, I’ll feel better after I check you.” I patted my hand on the examination table.

David promptly hopped up with more ease and energy than I’d seen in weeks. As he unbuttoned and removed his flannel shirt I had to shy away for fear of my gaze lingering too long. He watched me warm the stethoscope with my breath before rubbing it between my hands and placing it on his chest. I could feel the warmth of his bare skin graze my finger tips as I listened. The sensation was vaguely and dangerously familiar.

“Take a deep breath for me.” I spoke softly. 

David inhaled then exhaled routinely. To be thorough, I reached around to listen from his back as well. Thankfully his lungs sounded strong and clear. Then with careful hands, I pressed his wounds to ensure they were healing normally, but he suddenly shouted out. I nearly leapt from my skin before he began to laugh.

“Gotcha.” He grinned mischievously.  
“David! You almost gave me a heart attack!” I shoved him.  
“You should have seen your face!” He doubled over now and I couldn’t help but join him.  
“You’re such an asshole!” I gripped my reddening cheeks.  
“I’m sorry! You were just so serious!” He pulled under his arm to ruffle my hair playfully.  
“Stop!” I giggled.  
“Well, I’ll be fuckin’ damned! The dead has fuckin’ risen!” Suddenly we both became rigid at the sound of Negan’s deep voice. 

I instinctively shoved away from David and smoothed my tousled hair. I nearly died of mortification when David retrieved his shirt and began buttoning up. It couldn’t have looked any worse. Though he appeared casual leaning against the door frame, Negan’s eyes were cold as he twirled his barbed wire bat.

“David just came by for a check up.” I quickly defended.  
“I see. -And how is your health, David?” Negan ambled toward him until they were standing nose to nose.  
“I feel great.” David said bitterly. He didn’t cower like most would have, but instead held his ground in an intense stare down.  
“Then what the fuck are you still doing here?” Negan’s voice was deep and menacing. 

Suddenly I was caught in the middle of a battle between alpha and omega. The room may have been deadly silent, but the air was screaming with hostility. I was afraid to even breathe. Was David trying to get himself killed? Again? I had to stop him before Negan ripped him apart.

“David. Unless you have any questions for me…” My voice was low with a warning as I urged him to back down and leave while he had the chance, but he didn’t budge. “David. Please. Just go.” I begged.

David finally swallowed his pride and bowed his head in defeat. When he looked up at me I strained apologetically but he only shook his head in disappointment before he turned away again. I wanted to go to him, but in that moment, it was clear where my loyalty stood. I felt awful again.

“‘Do boy’.” Negan stopped him at the door. “You ever look at me like that again, I will gouge your fuckin’ eyes out and leave you for fuckin’ dead.” He threatened. David didn’t look back.  
“I don’t know what that was, but I’ll talk to him. It won’t happen again.” I tried.  
“Oh, that won’t be necessary. I _know_ it won’t happen again. I will make god damn sure of that.” He said.  
“Please, Negan. Don’t hurt him.” I pleaded.  
“Settle down now darlin’. Whether or not I hurt him depends solely on him. -But you might find it in his best interest to keep your distance. You are a terrible fuckin’ influence on him.” He brushed my cheek. “Hell, you’re a terrible influence on me sometimes.” He ran his thumb across my lip.

Negan pulled me into a kiss so good it made me light headed. As his tongue stroked my lips I felt a tingle course through me and I whimpered into his bearded mouth. He ran a hand down the front of my pants and tugged my panties up tightly, pressing the bundled fabric against my clit. I felt my knees giving out as I clutched his jacket and we stumbled back into the examination table. When I heard the sanitation paper crunch beneath us I suddenly became all too aware of my surroundings. If Dr. Bran’s ghost was still here, he certainly didn’t need to see this.

“I can’t do this. Not here.” I pulled away.  
“Then come to my room.” He pulled me in again.  
“I have to watch the infirmary…” I pressed my forehead to his in an attempt to force our lips apart and look away from his coaxing eyes.  
“Alright, Lucy. I get it.” He sighed.  
“This isn’t about him.” I corrected as I shoved away.  
“Who?” He smirked as he retrieved his bat, but I simply rolled my eyes before he left.

***

The next day I was sitting in the same place, in the same silence, but this time my mind was buzzing. I couldn’t get the day before out of my head. It wasn’t like Negan to be so forgiving, and I was sure David wouldn’t be let off the hook so easily. Me denying Negan didn’t make things much better. I couldn’t help thinking he blamed David for it. I could certainly see why, but it had nothing to do with him. I just hadn’t been myself since Dr. Bran died and being here in the infirmary didn’t help matters. It was filled with too many memories. Good and bad.

In an attempt to rid my mind of them, I began spinning in Doc’s swiveling chair until the room blurred around me. All the colors smudged and ran together as my vision struggled to keep up and soon my mind followed. When I heard the door I suddenly came to a dizzy stop, and my eyes fluttered before they settled on Negan.

“Having fun?” He laughed.  
“Yeah. Mind numbing fun.” I sighed as I leaned my head back to regain my equilibrium.  
“Cheer up buttercup. I brought you a gift.” He grinned.  
“What, cyanide for a quick and easy death?” I said bluntly.  
“Lighten the fuck up kid! You been listening to The Smiths again or something?” He sneered.  
“I was being facetious.” I said.  
“Oooh! _Facetious!_ That’a a big word!” He condescended. He was in an oddly good mood.  
“Where’s my gift?” I asked.  
“Patience, Little Bird. It’s on the way.” He said. Then we heard footsteps in the hall. “Here it is now.” He motioned.

The Saviors came dragging a rather frightened looking man into the infirmary. He was tall and thin, gray and balding with a long face and matching nose. I gave him a look up and down before I turned to Negan once more.

“Who’s this?” I asked.  
“This here is Dr. Carson. Dr. Carson, meet Lucille AKA Little Bird.” He pointed with his bat, making Dr. Carson flinch.  
“Where are you from Dr. Carson?” I asked, but he was distracted when he cowered away from the Saviors as they exited the room.  
“Don’t be an asshole, Dr. Carson. This beautiful woman just asked you a question. And considering she is _way_ the fuck outta your league, you should be honored she even gives a shit to ask.” Negan bullied him.  
“I’m sorry. W-What was the question?” He asked.  
“Where are you from?” Negan repeated and he turned to him fearfully.  
“I-I’m from-“  
“Don’t tell me. Tell her. I know where the fuck I found you.” Negan stopped him and he turned to me once more.  
“I’m from the mines, m-ma’am.” He almost bowed to me.  
“That’s right! -And Dr. Carson here is taking over the infirmary for you, Little Bird. So now, you can fly on back to me. How does that sound?” Negan asked.  
“Sounds like I’ve lost my shower.” I said rather unenthusiastically.  
“You can use mine. -Oh shit!” He turned and pointed to Carson. “That last bit stays here between us. You can keep a secret can’t you Dr. Carson? Cause I’ll _know_ who spilled the fuckin’ beans!” He grinned.  
“Y-Yes sir.” He stuttered.  
“That’s my boy!” Negan patted him hard on the back, making him stumble forward. “Make yourself at home, Carson! Put your feet up and get real fuckin’ comfortable! This is your new office! I’ll have one of the boys show you to your room later.” He said as he led me out.

I was rather annoyed by Negan’s chipper mood. He was difficult to be around if you weren’t also in high spirits. As he carried on whistling to himself, I couldn’t help thinking the only reason he was in such a good mood was because he’d found another way to keep David and I apart. He was in control again and there was nothing Negan loved more than being in control.

***

I returned to my duty as a Lieutenant for the first time in weeks. I hadn’t been outside the Sanctuary since the burial, and the snow had piled so high the paths had to be cleared. Everything surrounding the grounds was smooth and untouched. As I clutched my jacket tighter I inhaled the cold air and sighed. My breath escaped in a thick cloud that dissipated before me. In that moment I realized, I was actually happy. Perhaps life would carry on after all.

While I waited for the Saviors to gather, Simon joined me. He wasn’t necessarily pleased to see me, but he didn’t belittle me the way he normally would. It wasn’t for the sake of sympathy so much as it was his duty now, but it was a relief just the same.

“We’re doing a preventative clearing of the surrounding area. Keep an eye out for tracks that could allude to any unusual activity or movement from the living. ” Simon briefed but not very well.  
“Preventative clearing?” I inquired.  
“Most of the walkers are frozen. It’s like fish in a barrel.” He said shortly before turning away to join his group.

It took me a moment to decipher, but as I put the pieces together I realized it was a rather simple but genius plan. Take out the walkers while they were incapacitated to avoid any future issues once the snow melted. I would have given Simon props but I didn't want it to go to his head. It was big enough already.

I gathered my Saviors and armed them with mostly hand held weapons. I figured there was no sense in wasting ammo. We gathered in a truck prepped with chained tires to prevent any accidents before hauling off a few miles down the road. 

It was oddly quiet in the winter time. As we made our way into the snow covered trees our sinking footsteps crunched and echoed into the distance. I stumbled on my first walker half buried and frozen mid crawl. Snow had gathered on its head like a nightcap. It was kind of humorous and I chuckled until I heard a faint hiss in its throat. It seemed they were still somewhat lucid. I wondered to what degree as I sunk my knife into its eye that almost shattered like stained glass.

As we carried on we stumbled upon more and more frozen walkers and eventually came upon an impressive hoard. There must have been a few dozen. It would have been a disaster in the making come spring. Again I was tempted to give Simon credit as we cleared them out easily and cleanly.

The further we trekked, the more uneven the ground became and it was difficult to tell how deep the snow was. I was considering turning back until I heard a scuffle. Several Saviors slipped and plummeted off a concealed overhang and rolled down with an avalanche of snow. I was rushing to their aid when I heard more than just shouts and groans of pain from the living, but the hissing of the dead. As I teetered on the edge of the overhang I found several walkers that had been sheltered from the cold and my Saviors were hindered and buried before them. The tables had very quickly turned.

“Anyone with a ranged weapon! Take out the walkers! Watch your step! Watch your fire! Everyone else get down there and dig them out!” I shouted and directed as I stumbled down the hills of packed snow.

Chaos erupted around me. The once peaceful woods were now filled with screaming and gun fire, the croaking and growling of walkers. I began shoveling and prying out whoever I could find while attempting to watch my back but I wasn’t sure how many were buried. As I reached for a Savior, he screamed out in panic and began frantically scraping at the snow around him. I hurried to assist but as I dug I saw movement beneath him and realized he was buried with a walker. 

“Help me! Help!” He shouted as he clawed for me.

In a panic, I fired aimlessly into the ground, but he howled in pain before I finally got a hit. When the walker released him from its grasp I was able to pull him out to safety, but he was dragging a crimson trail. I cut away his pant leg to find a distinct bite mark on his calf before he looked up at me, pain and fear welling up in his eyes.

“Some one help me get him back to the trucks! Now!” I called for help.

A few others came to our aid and struggled to carry him up toward the truck. I trailed behind, taking out any remaining walkers and by the time we reached the road the disaster had tapered to an end. Still, my heart was racing as I clamored into the truck, and sped toward the Sanctuary. The bitten Savior didn’t have much time and there was only one way to save him.

When we reached the Sanctuary we came barreling inside. I directed them to the furnaces and demanded the room be cleared before summoning Dr. Carson. I hoped he was worth the trouble as I kneeled before the bitten Savior.

“What’s your name?” I panted.  
“Bret.” He groaned.  
“Bret, you’ve been bitten-“ I started.  
“Then what the fuck did you bring him here for! Put him down!” Simon suddenly interrupted.  
“No please! Don’t kill me!” Bret panicked.  
“No. I’m not going to kill him.” I turned to Simon sternly before facing Bret once more, trying to maintain calm. “I’m not to kill you, but we’re going to have to amputate.”  
“Amputate?” He panicked again.  
“It’s either that or the death sentence Bret. Pick one.” I said bluntly. “Where is Carson!” I shouted, turning to the room.  
“Here! Here! I’m here!” He rushed in.  
“We need to amputate.” I repeated.  
“I-I don’t have the tools to…” His eyes shifted nervously.  
“Jesus, what the hell are you even here for then?” I growled before turning to the Saviors. “I need a clean cut. Something heavy. Anyone-“ I stopped as a Savior handed me an axe and I tilted my head. It would do. “Clean this off.” I shoved it into Carson’s chest.

Dr. Carson sanitized the axe with shaking hands, dousing it in alcohol before handing it to me once more. He began searching his bag for something of use before pulling out handfuls of gauze. 

“You’re gonna need a lot more than that.” I rolled my eyes before scanning the room. 

I spotted a vendor cart with an old fashioned iron. It wasn’t the most sanitary option, but it was the best we could find and time was ticking. I snatched it from the shelf and tossed it into the furnace before returning to Bret’s side, wielding the axe in my hand. He glanced at it, now turning pale, so I did my best to hide it behind my back and appear less menacing.

“Bret, I’m going to ask a few Saviors to assist me by restraining you. It’s just a safety precaution. We don’t need to lose any more limbs than we have to. I am going to do this as quickly and cleanly as I can. I’m sorry, but it’s the only way. Are you ready?” I asked.

Bret began panting and sobbing before he squinted his eyes shut. He nodded stiffly before two Saviors pinned his limbs down and he began to scream in fear. I slipped on a pair of thermal gloves before gripping the axe firmly in my hands and lifting it into position.

“I’m gonna need someone to be ready with the iron. We’re going to have to cauterize the wound as quickly as possible.” I said, and Joey rushed to assist. “Okay, Bret. On three-“  
“No, don’t count!” He shouted.

So without warning, I swung with every bit of weight and strength I had, striking just below his knee cap. The axe sliced through his flesh and met the ground with a hard and heavy clang. Sparks flew and blood spurted over my face and body before Bret began shrieking in agony. It was a clean cut, so I shoved the remains of his leg away like a heavy log of meat before snatching the iron from Joey and pressing it into the bleeding stump. The sound of sizzling and hissing made the room cringe, some having to look away before Bret finally passed out. When I pulled the smoking iron away, most of the bleeding had stopped. It was done. I dropped the iron tiredly and sighed as I wiped the sweat and blood from my brow, now feeling like my old self.

“You should have enough gauze now.” I turned to Carson who was almost green with nausea.

When I stood to my feet once more, there were dozens of eyes on me. Most looked shocked, others frightened. I must have looked insane. Then suddenly the attention shifted when a single applause echoed above us. Negan was standing on the platform, watching it all. I swooned at the sight of him.

“Holy shit! _Bravo_ , Little Bird!” Negan laughed. “Alright folks, that's enough. Show’s over. Business as usual.” He waved the room away.

With his cue the rest carried on, rushing around me as I stared up at him, basking in his praise. He appeared amused by the sight of me as he came skipping down the stairs to join me. 

“You look like that movie… What was it? With all the blood and the mom was like, ‘they’re all gonna laugh at you!’.” He spun his hand as he tried to remember.  
“Carrie.” I said.  
“That’s the one!” He laughed. 

Suddenly I began to laugh as well and I realized I was every bit of insane. It was no wonder why I kept running back to Negan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack!~ Thanks so much for the safe travel/goodbye wishes and thanks again for reading! I hope you enjoyed!


	19. Do Boy

The following day I woke up feeling refreshed for the first time in ages. I had enough energy for a morning run, but the heavy snow and weeks of being idle had weakened my stride. So I pushed myself until the frigid wind stung my rosy face and numbed my toes. By the time I reached the Sanctuary again, I was freezing. A cup of coffee, a hot shower, and some time alone with Negan sounded like the perfect remedy to warm my bones.

When I reached his door, I took a moment to remove my jacket and smoothed my hair before knocking. He answered looking fresh out of bed with messy hair, wearing only sweat pants. I could already feel myself heating up at the sight of him.

“Well _hello_ there.” He smirked.  
“Hey mister.” I bit my lip.  
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” He asked.  
“A hot shower and cup of coffee.” I brushed past him.  
“You came just in time.” He followed after.  
“Oh good. Then you won’t be needing these.” I tugged the string of his sweat pants.

It seemed he was just as eager as he pulled away my top. We quickly became tangled in a heated kiss as he stumbled toward the shower, shedding our clothes along the way. Negan reached behind me to turn on the faucet and our lips didn’t part until he shoved me beneath the cold water and I gasped.

“Oh my god you ass hole!” I shivered and he laughed before I yanked him in with me.  
“Fuuuck that’s cold!” He hopped.  
“Yeah, no kidding!” I scowled, wrapping my arms tightly around myself.  
“Come here, I’ll warm you up.” He pulled me into his arms again and hands smoothed away the goosebumps on my skin.

As we began lathering, Negan leaned down for me to wash his hair. I giggled when he growled as I ran my fingers through his thick dark locks and scratched his scalp with my nails. When I was done he playfully shook his head and I squealed as he splashed me with suds. I watched him as he rinsed, admiring the way the soapy water ran down the hard lines of his body to another dark tuft of hair before dripping off the tip of his shaft. I was licking my lips when he caught me staring. He smirked before pulling me close and lathered his hands with a bar of soap. Goose bumps lifted over my body again as he began cleansing my wet skin. His palms glided over my shoulders and lingered on my breasts before they ran slowly down my ribs and belly. I moaned his name when he sunk down between my thighs and fondled me with slick soapy fingers.

“Fuuuck I love how wet your pussy gets for me.” He hissed. I eagerly reached down and took hold of his cock and he chuckled deeply. “Did you miss it?” He asked.  
“Mhmm.” I nodded.  
“You made me wait so fuckin’ long dirty girl. Should I make you wait?” He asked.  
“No…” I whined as he pulled his hands away.  
“No?” He grinned as he tugged my pouting lip.  
“No sir…” I shook my head.  
“Say please.” He said.  
“Please…” I cooed.  
“How could I say no to those fuckin’ eyes?” He kissed me and I melted.

I gasped when he suddenly spun me around and pressed me against the wall. It felt cold against my hot skin and I shivered. Negan lifted my leg off the floor and slipped his wet cock inside me and I groaned as he plunged deep, reaching around to caress my clit again. As he continued harder and faster I reached an orgasm sooner than I expected and I cried out as I reached up and into his hair.

“What the fuck is this?” He spanked me. “What is it?” He spanked me again.  
“Oh my god! I’m coming!” I moaned.  
“Did I give you permission to come?” He slapped my cheek.  
“No, sir! I’m sorry!” I groaned and trembled in his arms as aftershocks rolled through me.  
“Get down on your fuckin’ knees.” He ordered and I did as I was told. “Now you’re gonna sit there and watch me come. Look up at me.” He gripped my chin. I dizzily gazed up at him while he relished the sight of me kneeling at his feet and he stroked his cock above me.  
“Please Negan, come for me…” I begged, sending him over the edge. He grunted as he came, releasing on my face and into my hair and I felt strangely euphoric as he marked his claim on me.

“God damn that’s beautiful…” He panted and leaned on the wall above me, looking down proudly at his work before laughing. “You’re gonna have to wash your hair again.” He said.  
“Then quit hogging the water.” I shoved him aside.

After scrubbing ourselves clean again, Negan slipped into a fresh pair of pants and perused his vinyl collection. Meanwhile, I took my time moisturizing and towel drying my hair. As I glanced in the mirror I noticed the color had come back to my face and I was glowing. I was alive again. I glanced behind me at Negan’s reflection and blushed before wrapping myself in a towel and joining him.

“Can I borrow a shirt?” I asked, searching my bag and realizing I’d forgotten to pack one.  
“You ought to have a whole closet of my shirts by now.” He huffed.  
“I like the way they fit.” I beamed.  
“Yeah me too.” He threw a fresh shirt at me.  
“I’ll bring the others back, but this one’s mine.” I slipped it on.  
“Fair enough.” He said, returning to his music.

I dug into my bag to retrieve a pair of gray knitted thigh high socks that I’d strategically packed not just for warmth, but because I knew they would certainly catch Negan’s eye. After slipping them on I joined him, acting innocent and casual as I searched his collection of books. It seemed they worked like a charm as Negan gave me a good, long look up and down.

“Nice stems.” He winked.  
“Stems… Is that some sort of ancient slang from your youth?” I teased as I caressed his bare chest.  
“Young lady, if you think I’m too tired to bend you over my knee, you are sorely fuckin’ mistaken.” He gripped my ass.  
“Maybe after some breakfast?” I giggled, but suddenly there was a knock at the door.  
“The timing today is god damn impeccable!” He grinned darkly. “Come in!” He called.  
“What the hell are you doing?” I cowered behind him.  
“Relax. It’s just my ‘do boy’.” Negan motioned and I stiffened at his choice of words

I looked up shamefully to find none other than David holding a tray of breakfast, looking shocked and disappointed at the sight of me before averting his eyes. It felt like I was trapped in some kind of reoccurring nightmare.

“David my boy! Go ahead and lay out our breakfast for us, and start a pot of coffee while you’re at it.” Negan said.  
“What is this?” I growled.  
“ _This_ is David’s punishment for thinking he has the fuckin’ balls to stand up to me. You asked me not to hurt him so I kept my word. So now here he is, both eyes fully fuckin’ intact.” Negan motioned, obviously having gouged out David’s pride instead. “Sit down and eat some breakfast before it gets cold.” Negan said.  
“No. I’m not entertaining this.” I stormed off to gather my things.  
“I said, sit down and eat, or I will pluck out that boys teeth one by one.” He pointed firmly.

David and I exchanged a quick fearful glance before I finally stomped to the table. I’d long since lost my appetite, so I sat stiffly with my arms crossed and watched hopelessly as David prepared our coffee. Negan soon joined us, smiling sadistically as he laced his fingers and patiently waited. The smell of coffee filled the room before David came to serve our plates. Every scoop, every clank of a dish was amplified by the awkward silence. When he set a full plate before me I had to swallow back the lump in my throat.

“David-“ I tried.  
“No. You do not speak to the help.” Negan stopped me.  
“Why are you doing this?” My voice shook.  
“Don’t take it so personal, baby. I’m not doing this to you, I’m doing it to David.” He said.

Negan seemed surprised as a tear streamed down my cheek. I wondered if he even realized in his attempts at hurting David, he was hurting me as well. Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe that was the point. Either way, I surrendered.

“Let him go and I promise I will never see or speak to him again.” I said.  
“Well, that could work out fuckin’ dandy for all of us! That is if everybody’s on board. David?” Negan inquired.

David turned to me, his eyes pleading and contrite before he looked down at his feet again. I could tell he wanted to protest, but it was clear Negan had succeeded in prying us apart. If we wanted to coexist, it wouldn’t be together. So David simply nodded.

“Say it. I want to hear you say the words.” Negan insisted.  
“I won’t see her again.” He said through clenched teeth. "-But I have something I want to say to her before I go." He said.  
“I’d be a cruel son of a bitch if I said no.” Negan gave him the okay, but he allotted us no privacy. David hesitated as he searched for the right words.  
“Lucy, do you remember the night you came to my room and apologized?” He asked. I nodded as I began to cry. “It’s okay. We’re alright now. You know that right?” He asked.  
“-But it’s too late.” I said.  
“It’s not. Do you remember what I told you?” He asked and I nodded. 

I remembered it vividly. _’He will take everything from you’._

“Thank you. For everything.” He said sincerely.  
“David.” I whimpered.

Despite Negan watching us, despite him listening to our every word, I stood and leapt into David’s arms. I clutched him tightly and sobbed as he held me for the last time. Whatever we were was as undefinable as what I had with Negan, but it was different. It was sweeter. It was gentler. It was too good for the likes of me. 

“Alright, that’s enough. As you were Savior.” Negan said firmly like a warden.

David hesitated before he finally pulled away and I sobbed, cupping my hands over my face. I couldn’t watch him leave. When I heard the door close behind him I straightened my back and wiped my eyes. I wouldn’t allow Negan to see me this way.

“You won.” I sniffed, dressing myself and gathering my things.  
“Not much of a prize in the end.” He said and I scoffed.  
“I’m sure a celebratory drink with your wives will suffice.” I said before storming out, promising myself it would be the last time.

***

A week passed and I’d seen both David and Negan, but I hadn’t spoken a word to either of them. Every time I saw them it killed a small part of me and as the days went on I began to feel like the walkers. Dead but still standing somehow. My heart had only recently healed after the loss of Dr. Bran, but now it had been torn again. I didn't know if I had it in me to bounce back this time. 

I woke early one morning feeling numb and exhausted, and though I was due for duty that day I rolled over and went back to sleep. Simon came at some point, pounding angrily at my door, but I only stirred long enough to ignore him before falling back into a deeper sleep. I wasn’t ready to come out of hiding yet.

Another day passed and I woke from my coma to a familiar knocking at my door. It was Negan, I knew. He hadn’t attempted to see me, or bother me since the split, and I hadn’t realized I was grateful until the very moment he did come. I rolled over in bed, turning away from the door to ignore him, but of course, he had a key. Still, I ignored him, staring blankly at the wall.

“I know you don’t want to see me right now, but you need to eat. I brought you some dinner.” He said simply, but I laid there silently. “Get out of bed or I will take you out of bed.” He said more firmly. 

It was safe to say he wasn’t bluffing, so I sat up weakly. I turned to look at him, but it was painful. The sight of him made my chest and stomach ache. How could someone so gorgeous be so toxic? I gulped dryly as I turned away again.

My movements felt heavy as I dragged myself out of bed. I crossed my arms tightly around my chest as I shambled across the room, only wearing a t-shirt and underwear. It was nothing he hadn’t seen before, but Negan appeared surprised and pained by the sight of me. I said nothing as I took a seat and stared down at the plate of food he set before me. 

“Eat it. All of it.” He said, and I nodded obediently.

My response seemed to bother him somehow, and he watched me skeptically while I nibbled at some bread. It appeared I had made him uncomfortable. Perhaps he realized he only liked me being submissive in bed.

“What’s the matter with you? Huh?” Negan asked and I shook my head. “What? Do you love him or some shit? Is that it?” He asked, referring to David, but I shook my head again. “Then what is it?” I stared down at my green peas and lined them up evenly on my tray. “Fuckin’ speak to me!” He slammed his fist on the table and I jumped but still I said nothing as I hugged my legs.

Negan stood angrily from the table, and stormed toward me. My body was shivering when he pulled my legs and arms away, exposing the invisible wound in my chest. I began to cry, trying to weakly pull my hands to my face, but he gripped my wrists tightly and stared into me. His dark eyes had always been too much, but now they were just painful.

“Look at me.” He demanded.  
“No.” I croaked as I turned away.  
“Look at me!” He grabbed my chin and I gasped as I forced my eyes open. 

His handsomely lined face, his slicked back hair, his breath taking eyes, everything that once drove me into his arms, was now ripping into me. The sight of him made me sob. 

“God…” My voice pleaded as I doubled over, gripping his jacket.

He wrapped his arms around me, clutching me to his chest and he sighed. As he buried his face in my hair he planted a kiss on my head and I felt myself giving in to him.

“No… No!” I gritted my teeth as I pushed him away again. “I made a promise to myself.” I said.  
“What are you talking about?” He asked.  
“I can’t do this anymore, Negan. I’m done.” I said.  
“Because of the shit with David? You _do_ love him don’t you?” He accused.  
“I do, but not the way you think I do. David has been there for me every step of the way. He saved me from Andy, he was the only person there for me when Dr. Bran died-“  
“I tried to be there for you, but you didn’t want to fuckin’ see me!” Negan shouted.  
“I didn’t want to see you because I blamed you!” I shouted back.  
“What?” He shook his head.  
“You pulled me out of the infirmary to keep me on a leash and because of you I wasn’t there for him when he died!” I accused.  
“Fuck you! I didn’t pull you away! I gave you what you wanted!” He argued.  
“All I wanted was you!” Finally, I came clean. “I would have done anything for you! I would have followed you anywhere because I loved you!” Negan eyes widened with surprise. “-But you took everything from me! And now you can’t control me anymore because I have nothing left to give you! I’m done, Negan!” My brutal honesty left him with no argument.  
“Fuck!!!” He shouted suddenly as he kicked the wall and I flinched. 

I watched him silently as he began pacing and composing himself, but he was struggling. For the first time, I witnessed Negan break character. All of his walls, all of his masks, all of his scripts, everything protecting him fell away, and the man beneath appeared vulnerable and lost for a brief moment. I almost pitied him when he stopped and gripped his forehead looking exhausted and anguished.

“I can’t fuckin’ do this.” He sighed to himself.  
“Then let me go…” I whimpered.  
“I can’t do that either.” He shook his head, unable to look at me.  
“Negan, just let me go…” I begged, but he said nothing as pulled me into his arms. “Please…” I cried as I buried my head in his chest, wrapping my arms weakly around the back of his neck.  
“No.” He buried his face in my hair.  
“Negan…” I sobbed, and he kissed me before I shoved him away again. “Why?” I pleaded.  
“Don't be fuckin’ stupid. I love you.” He admitted.

Negan had finally said the words I’d been dying to hear, but only after I’d finally convinced myself that we were done. Just when I thought I’d escaped him, when I’d found my right mind, he pulled me back with three simple but debilitating words. My mind told me to run, but my heart clung to the words. Suddenly I was slipping back to where I'd started.

“No. Don’t do this to me.” I shook my head.  
“I’m sorry.” He pulled me into a kiss.  
“You son of a bitch…” I cried between his lips.  
“I love you, Lucille… I’m sorry…” He breathed.

His apology infuriated me, and I pounded my fists into his chest as I pried myself away. He looked away shamefully, allowing the beating. I realized in that moment, for the first time, he was accepting punishment from me. So I pulled him into me again and bit down on his lip until I tasted blood. He groaned in pain, before lifting me onto the table and knocking my dinner to the floor. Our lips met again as I wrapped legs tightly around him. I ripped my hands through his hair and raked my nails down his back. Negan hissed before I pushed him lower and he submitted as he kneeled in front of me. When I stared down at him, he refused to look at me but I was relieved. I was afraid if I looked into those deep, dark eyes again I would drown. As he pulled away my panties, he caressed and trailed kisses down my legs. To my surprise, he even lowered himself to my feet and kissed them as well. He came up again and I wished I could have composed myself the way he did when he stroked me with his tongue, but I gasped and shivered at the sensation. I saved face by clutching his head and thrusting into him. He continued harder, slipping a finger deep inside me and I threw my head back. I wanted to last longer than I did, but the feeling of his tongue and hands together was overwhelming. When I looked back down, he was watching me and his eyes were enough to finish me off.

“Oh god!… You mother fucker!” I groaned as I practically curled into myself, spilling into his hands all over again.


	20. 'Til Death Do Us Part ("Free Bird" Rewritten)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader/Subscriber: First, I want to apologize. The previous version of this chapter ("Free Bird") wasn’t my best. I carelessly allowed quantity to override quality, but I can’t settle for half-assed work. You deserve better and this story deserves better. Please forgive my mistake and I hope you continue to enjoy Little Bird. It would never have made it this far without you. 
> 
> (Only the first portion of this chapter remains the same, but I will insert a stamp in **bold** for those of you that would like to skip ahead to the rewritten portion.)

“It’s not true.” I told myself.

Negan told me he loved me, but how could he? How could anyone so self-absorbed even have the capacity? What kind of ‘I love you’ had to be followed by an apology? I should have been swept off my feet. I should have been head over heels. So why did it feel like a death sentence? Why was I so scared?

If word of this got out somehow, everything I’d worked so hard for would suddenly seem like a handout. In the eyes of the Saviors, I would be seen as nothing more than Negan’s pet. I would lose my rank as Lieutenant. They would turn their backs on me. I would become a liability and a weakness to the Sanctuary. I would become a target for Negan’s enemies of which he'd acquired so many. Negan would never let me out of his sight. He would sooner lock me away. 

Then I suddenly realized, I may not have worn the same letter marked uniform but I was nothing more than a prisoner. It became clear that I was and always had been Negan’s prisoner.

I wrung my clammy hands as I paced my room, but the space was too small. As I circled around, again and again, I became dizzy. My mind went haywire and soon the walls appeared to be closing in on me. I became short of breath and my heart began to beat frantically in my chest. I needed air. So I snatched up my running shoes and threw on my jacket in bound of the only freedom I knew.

The second my feet hit the gravel, I sprinted. I sprinted until my body ached and burned in protest and only then did I begin to slow, but I didn't stop. I counted lap after lap and pushed through the sleet that began to fall, hitting my face like needles. Still, I was only running in circles, always coming back to where I started.

When I came around the fifth time I hit a patch of ice and my feet swept out from beneath me. My body collided with the cold wet ground so hard it knocked whatever wind I'd had left out of me. I was gasping for air when I turned my head to find Dr. Bran’s grave, ice capped and glowing in the moonlight. I wept.

“What do I do?” I croaked. Then somewhere in the recesses of my mind, a memory came to light. It was almost as if Dr. Bran were speaking to me. His voice was so clear.  
_“You're strong enough to handle it and smart enough to leave if you can’t.”_ He’d said.

**REWRITTEN**

Was I strong enough to be loved by Negan? Was I strong enough to carry the weight of that burden? Was I willing to lose everything for the sake of him or was it easier to walk away from him? Maybe it was best for me, for Negan, for the Sanctuary. I knew if I wanted to leave, I couldn’t do it alone. So I went to the one person who would understand and the one it would benefit the most. David.

***

As I crept through the dark halls of the Sanctuary I felt like there were eyes watching me from the darkest corners. It felt like at moment Negan himself would leap out and grab me and drag me away. By the time I reached David’s door, my stomach was in knots and I looked over my shoulder before knocking fervently. David answered with sleep heavy eyes at first, but they widened suddenly at the sight of me. He glanced quickly down the hall before grabbing my arm and yanking me inside to safety.

“What the hell are you doing here?” He hissed.  
“I need to talk to you.” I said.  
“Lucy you shouldn’t be here.” He said.  
“I know, but I need your help.” I persisted.  
“You’re gonna get me killed.” He gripped his head.  
“That's why I need you to help me leave. Help me get out of here.” I said.  
“What?” He shook his head.  
“You were right. Negan took everything from me. I have nothing left to lose.” I said.  
“Clearly because now you’ve lost your mind too.” He said.  
“I already have it all planned out. I’ll assign you to the watch tower on the south end. All you have to do is look away and I will run for the trees and never look back. That’s it. Then when I’m gone everything will go back to normal. You can finally live a normal life again, I will find a normal life too, but I’m not going to find it here. Please, David.” I pleaded.  
“Why are you running? What are you so afraid of?” He asked.  
“Negan told me he loved me.” I admitted.  
“So what? Don’t you love him back?” He asked and I stiffened.  
“David-“ I started.  
“Just tell me. Do you love him?” He repeated.  
“What difference does it make?” I asked.  
“It’ll make it easier for me to let you go.” He said.  
“I do…” My voice shook.  
“You’re such an idiot.” He laughed ruefully before he pulled me into his arms.

I was shocked when he kissed me roughly, angrily. I tried pulling away but he pulled me in tightly and as he carried on I was losing my senses. It almost felt like I was kissing Negan, the way he gripped my skin, but it was so different. His smell, his taste, his hands all felt wrong and yet despite that, a heat was growing between my legs.

“David I can’t.” I panted.  
“Why? You’re leaving anyway so what difference does it make?” He asked as he moved down my neck.  
“We shouldn’t.” I tried.  
“I won’t tell if you won’t.” He spoke into my ear and I shivered before he kissed my lips again.

As my body gave into him, my mind became hazy and confused. I was flooded with images of Negan, but when I opened my eyes I saw piercing blue. My hands ran through his golden hair but it was longer than the dark locks I was used to clutching. I was on the verge of turning back when suddenly David spanked me so hard it threw me off balance. So I took the plunge thinking maybe we, David and I, deserved one last go.

David shoved me back into his bed before he mounted me. We were lip locked as we stripped away our clothes. As his light eyes took in the curves of my body I felt sinful but somehow that only fueled my lust. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he sunk into me and I moaned as he pulled my hair. He didn’t talk dirty the way Negan did, but when he yanked me to the edge of the bed and pinned my hands, I lost all control.

This version of David. This angry, vengeful side of him was like nothing I’d ever experienced and it brought me to the edge. As I got closer and closer to orgasm, I needed one final push. So I slapped him hard across the face and it worked like I charm as he finally found it in him to slap me back.

“God yes!” I growled as I clung to him quivering all over.  
“Oh shit! Lucy! I’m coming!” He moaned.

-But that name. ‘Lucy’. My body suddenly went cold as reality set in and I felt disgusted with myself. As David released himself, I pretended to come too.

***

The following morning I forged inventory numbers and snuck a few supplies for myself. I was on my way to Negan’s quarters when the guilt set in again. I’d been restless the night before, haunted by images of David and I’s reckless affair. In the end, the only good that came of it was the motivation it gave me to stick to my plan of escape and that too made me feel guilty.

My heart was heavy as I knocked on Negan’s door. This would be the first time I’d spoken to him in private since he’d said the words. When he answered, the sight of him brought a lump to my throat. The way his dark eyes peered into me made me dizzy, so I averted my gaze.

“I brought your numbers.” I said, staring down at the papers in my hand.  
“You could have left those in inventory. That is unless there’s something else you wanna tell me.” He said deeply as he stepped aside and allowed me in.

He spoke as if he already knew, but I blamed it on my guilty conscious. As my eyes scanned the familiar space I realized there were so many memories there and it pained me. Negan closed the door behind him and joined me. The air between us was strange and guarded as we took a seat across from each other, suddenly all business. It was the most professional we’d been in ages, but there was something else in the air. We sat in silence at first, reading each other, but Negan’s poker face was far better than mine.

“Did you mean what you said?” I broke the silence.  
“I’m a man of my word.” He said.  
“-But you’re not.” I said directly and his eyes narrowed. “You’re a man of half truths. You give just enough so that when it comes time for you to turn on someone you’re not tethered to your word at all.” I said and he smirked briefly.  
“And who the _fuck_ are you to lecture me on honesty?” He asked, his eyes darkening.  
“W-What?” I tensed and my skin prickled as fear rushed through me.  
“My rules are very fuckin’ simple. I told you, you _do not_ fuckin’ lie to me, you _do not_ sneak away from me, and I said _no. Fuckin’. Boys!_ ” His voice grew louder as he listed my transgressions.  
“How?” I breathed.  
“ _That_ is none of your fuckin’ business! Now come with me.” He ordered as he stormed for the door.  
“Negan wait! I’m sorry-“ I tried.  
“You’re gonna be. Now move your ass before I throw you in solitary fuckin’ confinement.” He growled.

There was once a time when I thought I was immune to his threats, but by the look in his eyes, I didn’t feel that safe anymore. So I followed him as he led me back to the Sanctuary’s prison. As we approached I became nauseous, and before we even arrived, I knew what was behind the door. He set his bat aside as he searched his keys and I began welling up.

“Don’t do this.” I said, and Negan looked up at me, saying nothing as he unlocked the door and opened it. I was not surprised to find David, but frightened. It appeared he was too. “Please, don’t do this.” I repeated.  
“Do what?” Negan grabbed him by the collar and yanked him out. With his hands bound behind his back, David fell face first before him.  
“Negan don’t!” I shouted.  
“What? This?” He lifted him on his feet and punched him with a force so hard he fell to the floor again.  
“Stop! This isn’t his fault!” I cried.  
“Oh, it’s fuckin’ not? I thought I heard him say, ‘I won’t tell if you won’t’. Is that right or am I fuckin’ mistaken?” He quoted.  
“You were listening to us…” I realized as I began to shake.  
“I sure as fuck was. -And by the way…” He kicked David hard in the ribs and I jumped. “That was the worst fake orgasm I’ve ever fuckin’ heard.” He kicked again. “I know what the real fuckin’ deal sounds like, and that…” He kicked again. “Was a fuckin’ joke.” He said, making sure we knew he’d heard every word, every moan, every moment. 

David was curled into himself, gasping for air, blood spewing from his mouth when Negan finally stopped and smoothed his dark hair. He laughed as he sauntered over to retrieve his bat and I rushed to David’s side sobbing.

“David…” I cupped his face in my hands, tears running down my cheeks. “God I’m so sorry… I’m sorry…” I brushed away his blood stained hair as he groaned.  
“Oh, Lucille… My little baby bird…” Negan cooed sadistically, squatting down to watch us. I flinched as he brushed a tear from my eye and clicked his teeth. “I’m sorry to have to do this to you, baby, but you pushed my fuckin’ hand. Now get up.” He waved his hand for me to move as he lifted his bat.  
“Don’t! Please!” I hovered over David in an attempt to protect him. “If you really love me, you’ll let him go.” I whimpered.  
“Lucille I love you. God damn, I do. -But I warned you from the start if I got close to you, someone was gonna get hurt.” He said before reaching down and yanking David out of my arms.  
“Negan no! Don’t! Please!! Negan!!!” I screamed and pleaded.

I gripped and clawed for David, but Negan easily pulled him from my grasp. My heart stopped as I watched him lift his barbed wire bat and readied himself to swing before I surrendered everything I had left to give. 

“I’ll be your wife!!” I shouted and Negan dropped his stance.  
“Oh, is that all it takes?” He laughed. “You know what this means don’t you Little Bird?” He asked.  
“I do.” I nodded stiffly knowing this stripped me of all my ranks and freedom.  
“Well then, 'I do' too.” He vowed.


	21. The Honeymoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the readers that haven’t yet subscribed: The previous chapter has been rewritten. You might find yourself a bit confused by this current chapter if you haven’t read the updated version. I'm really sorry about the confusion! <3

What had once been my own Saviors escorted me like prison guards to my new cell, located in a wing of the Sanctuary I’d never been before. The wives wing. I could smell them first. A concoction of perfumes, thick sweets, and florals permeating the air. I began to feel nauseous as we turned the corner and entered their living area. Until that very moment I was able to pretend they didn’t exist, but now they were right there in front of me, reminding me that all this time I was never the only one. 

The wives were as elegant as their decor, as beautiful as the throw pillows and cashmere among them, all draped on luxurious couches. They turned to us all at once, looking like painted mannequins. I shamefully looked down at my muddied boots, unable to face them. I was mortified and disgusted by the time we reached a long hall of private rooms.

From the outside, each door appeared like any other room of the Sanctuary, but when the Saviors opened my new door it revealed a lavish boudoir. It was similar to Negan’s room with dark, rich walls, accents of gold and lush fabrics. This might have been a dream come true for some, but I stood in the middle of it all, unimpressed and unenthused. I would much rather have stayed in my old room, no matter how poorly furnished and small. The Saviors closed the door behind them, and I heard a distinct click as they locked me inside, sealing my fate.

***

I stood before a full-length mirror, staring at a reflection I hardly recognized. A shell of the woman I used to be. I slipped into the lacy lingerie that had been provided for me, as well as a black a-line dress. If it hadn’t been so short you would think I was dressed for a funeral. Then again, wasn’t I? I took a seat at the extravagant vanity to pull my hair into a high bun, but I didn’t bother with makeup. I stood again to stare listlessly into the mirror and mindlessly smoothed my loose hairs into place when there was a knock at my door. I didn’t have to answer it. Negan, of course, allowed himself in. He was stunned by the sight of me at first, looking almost awestruck. I blushed despite myself and turned away in an attempt to hide it.

“Damn… You clean up good, kid.” He complimented. I said nothing. “What do you think of your new digs?” He asked.  
“It’s an expensive coffin.” I said.  
“Don’t be fuckin’ dramatic. Don’t you like it?” He asked.  
“I hate it.” I said bluntly.  
“It’s not that bad.” He rolled his eyes.  
“It couldn’t be any worse.” I disagreed.  
“Oh, it could definitely be fuckin’ worse.” He said.  
“Why don’t you spare me your bull shit and just tell me what you want me to say?” I asked impatiently.  
“Oh, I don’t know Lucille, maybe a fuckin’ ‘thank you’ for starters! After the shit you tried to pull on me, I gave you all of this! And after that fucker porked my fuckin’ wife, I still let him live! So maybe you could spare me a little god damn appreciation!” He raised his voice.  
“You only let David live so you could keep using him against me!” I accused.  
“Well look at you! You finally caught the fuck on!” He condescended.  
“And you wonder why I tried to run away from you? This is why Negan! Because you’re a selfish ass hole! You’re a fucking monster!” I shouted.  
“Oh, and you’re so fuckin’ innocent!!!” He roared before stalking toward me and stood so close I could feel his breath on my skin. “Quit fuckin’ kidding yourself with this poor, helpless, lonely girl bull shit. You wanna know the real fuckin’ reason you’re so scared to lose everything? It’s because you won’t have anywhere left to hide from your fuckin’ self. You hid behind Dr. Bran and that little fuckin’ prick David because they made you feel like you were someone else. -But I _know_ you, Lucille. I’ve fuckin’ _seen_ you. I’ve seen the way your face lights up when you watch someone’s life bleed out in your fuckin’ hands. You fuckin’ love it and you’re afraid of me because you know I will dig that deep seeded shit out of you. That’s the real reason you tried to run away from me isn’t it?” He cut me down layer after layer until he reached my core.

Suddenly I was shaking. My eyes welled up and as I lifted my hands to cup my mouth I caught myself sobbing and laughing all at once. It was like my all of emotions were bubbling over until all of the lies I’d been telling myself spilled out at my feet. All that remained was the truth. Negan had forced me into an epiphany that I never wanted to face but suddenly it was all so clear. It was no wonder I could love a monster because I was a monster myself.

“I hate you!” I hissed as I slapped him across the face so hard his head spun before he turned back to me grinning darkly.  
“I fuckin’ hate you too.” He said, then pulled me into a fierce kiss.

Though Negan and I had danced this dance so many times before, this time it was different. This time it was vicious and filled with venom. It was fueled by anger and deceit. Our hands were like claws as we ripped and shredded away our clothes. Our mouths ruthlessly devoured and gnawed at each other’s flesh as we fought for dominance. As he shoved me onto my knees I yanked his pants away. I was diving for his cock when he gripped my hair and pulled me away.

“Say it again. Tell me you fuckin’ hate me.” He said as he drove his fingers down my throat to gag me.  
“I hate you!” I growled, so he dove them in again and this time I chomped down. Negan hissed in pain as he yanked his hand free and slapped me across the face before plunging his cock into my mouth.  
“You bite my dick and I swear this time I _will_ kill your fuckin’ boyfriend.” He threatened and I glared up at him in defiance but I didn’t bite. Negan laughed as he tapped my cheek. “Works every fuckin’ time!” He said.  
“Fuck you!” I pulled away and spit on the head of his cock. He dove back down my throat, this time holding me there until I began to struggle for air. When I started to squirm in protest he finally released me and I pulled away gasping. “Fuck you!” I repeated as I raked my nails down his chest.  
“Ah! Fuck!” He grunted then lifted me off the floor. I yelped when he threw me into the bed face first, then drug me to the edge as he lifted my ass in the air. My body shivered as he slipped his hand between my thighs and flicked my clit.  
“If you hate me so fuckin’ much then why’s your pussy so wet?” He asked as he sunk his fingers into me. I whimpered as I bit my lip but said nothing. “Why the fuck it so wet? Huh? Tell me.” He spanked me.  
“I was thinking about David.” I lied in an attempt to anger him. It worked. Negan spanked me hard before he flipped me onto my back and yanked me up by my neck.  
“What the fuck did you just say to me?” He growled into my ear and I laughed smugly. “Come here! You think you’re fuckin’ cute? Get the fuck over here!” He said as he pulled me closer. I groaned when he slipped his cock inside me. I could feel his shaft pulsing against my slick walls. It seemed he was just as turned on as I was by our hateful foreplay. “Look at me! Look me in the fuckin’ eyes and say that again!” He said, but I shook my head ‘no’. “That’s right. Now you look at me while I fuck you!” He said, holding my by the hair as he pounded into me so hard our skin clapped.  
“Yesss! Fuck me you mother fucker! Fuck me harder!” I demanded through clenched teeth. I cried out as he continued faster and faster until I reached an orgasm. I was moaning long and deep before he finally stopped.  
“You dirty fuckin’ slut.” He threw me back into the bed panting.

When I caught my breath again I looked up at him to see a bit of blood trickling down where my nails had been and I laughed as I sat up to lick him clean. The bitter taste of iron, the pure, raw taste of him made my skin hot. Negan’s eyes deepened as he watched me gazing up at him before I finished and bit down on his skin. He hissed again before shoving me back down and turned me onto my side. He spooned me as he fucked me hard from behind.

“God yes! Like that! Don’t fucking stop!” I moaned.  
“Don’t what?” He laughed mischievously as he stopped.  
“You’re such an asshole…” I panted.  
“You fuckin’ love it too.” He said, slapping my inner thigh before continuing.

My heart raced as he buried his bearded face in my neck and kissed me. I was getting closer as he carried on, reaching down and caressing my clit. He must have felt my body quivering inside because he suddenly clutched me tightly and quickened his pace as he rolled on top of me, pinning me down. I cried out as I clutched the bedding beneath me and I felt him throbbing. Soon our bodies peaked in unison and just when I thought orgasms couldn’t get any better, Negan outdid himself.

When the aftershocks subsided, reality began to set in. I stared up at the gathered canopy and it began to resemble a coffin again.

“Now what?” I panted.  
“Now, I stop by the infirmary for a fuckin’ rabies shot.” He hissed as he wiped more blood from his chest.  
“I’m serious. Is this what we are now?” I asked as I watched him dress.  
“What? You mean husband and wife?” He asked, slipping on his leather jacket.  
“It’s wives actually.” I corrected. “Seriously Negan. You can’t really want this.” I said, clutching his lapels.  
“Baby this is all I ever wanted, since the day I met you.” He said and it should have been romantic, but coming from him it was like a prison sentence.  
“Please don’t do this to me.” I begged.  
“Lucille honey, I know this is hard for you…” He brushed my tousled hair behind my ear as he gazed down at me. “You really don’t know how bad you fuckin’ hurt me, do you?” He asked. For the first time I saw real pain in his dark eyes and I felt a lump forming in my throat as guilt overwhelmed me.  
“I’ll fix it. I’ll do anything-“ As I pleaded he winced and pulled away from my grasp. “Negan!” I wrapped myself in my sheets and scurried after him. “Negan wait!” I cried as he stepped out, locking the door behind him. “Negan, please! Negan!!!” I pounded my fist, but the sound of his boots faded into silence and I slid down the door sobbing into my hands. 

Several minutes later I peeled myself off the floor and stood before the full-length mirror. My skin was flushed and welts had formed where Negan’s touch had been. My eyes were blood shot and wet with tears. As I reached up to wipe a bit of his dried blood from my chin, I realized it was true. The woman in the mirror was not at all the woman I used to be. She was a monster.


	22. New Beginning

I first noticed it was Spring again when I saw a small patch of white flowers growing on Dr. Bran’s grave during my monitored morning run. Soon those flowers would spread across the Sanctuary grounds in lieu of the melting snow, signaling the start of new beginnings. It would also mark a year since I’d met Negan. I began reminiscing the days of witty banter and shameful flirting. When times were hard but they were still easier than they were now. Then I heard a chirping in the budding trees above me. A black feathered bird, splashed with bright crimson on its chest sang to me. I wasn’t one to read into signs of the universe, but when it lifted its tail and shit at my feet I gawked in offense.

“Fuck you!” I threw a rock, but it was too high and the bird soon fluttered away to safety.

I took as good a sign as any, that I was done being shit on for my mistakes.

***

The following day, I sat at my vanity brushing mascara through my lashes to brighten my green eyes, applying a touch of cream rogue to lift my cheeks. I stopped to take my last sip of coffee before smoothing a rich red lipstick into my full lips, then blotting them together as I fluffed my hair. While it all appeared to be nothing more than routine makeup, to me this was war paint. It was clear that if I wanted out of this hell, I would have to fight my way out and there was no better fighter than the monster in me. If Negan wanted her, he would get her.

I joined the rest of the wives in the recreational room for the first time since I’d arrived, and they looked as if they’d seen a ghost. As I made my way confidently to the bar to pour myself a drink, I heard hushed exchanges but when I turned to face them again they fell silent. I smirked smugly into my glass. I didn’t care what sort of horror stories they’d concocted about Negan’s beloved Lucille because I was going to prove them right.

It wasn’t much longer before Negan arrived, tall and dark and sexy as ever. I threw back the rest of my drink and simply waited. He was charismatic as always, greeting his wives with a broad and handsome smile, but when his eyes finally fell on me he was taken aback. Suddenly the rest of the wives faded into the background as he took in every inch of me. He joined me at the bar in a few long strides. 

“My mama told me only loose girls wear red lips. Are you a loose girl?” He grinned as he licked his teeth. It made my insides flutter, but I couldn’t let him weaken me so easily, so I turned away. I poured him a glass of whiskey and he watched me closely as if I’d slip something in it.  
“I can be whatever you want me to be.” I watched him sip, admiring the way he licked his lips as I licked my own. His eyes darted down at my mouth for a brief moment before they narrowed.  
“Now, I recall you saying you fuckin’ hated me. Why the sudden change of heart?” He asked, knowing I was up to no good.  
“Oh, don’t confuse me, I still hate your guts.” I teased and he laughed. “-It’s just today marks a year since you started making my life a living hell. It’d be a shame to let such a monumental day pass without a little recognition, don’t you think?” I asked.  
“It’d be a damn shame. The only problem is, I don’t fuckin’ trust you.” He said.  
“Me? What harm could I do?” I asked, my tone oozing innocence as I tugged the zipper of his jacket.  
“You tell me.” He said.  
“Play with me and find out.” I spoke so sensually I was beginning to turn myself on. Negan’s eyes glanced from my red pout to my burning green eyes and I could see it was working on him as well. Whether or not I had good intentions didn’t matter anymore.  
“Okay, kid. Your move.” He accepted the challenge and I smiled as I leaned in close.  
“I want to start making friends…” I whispered in his ear. “So, pick one for me.” I said. 

Negan looked up at me skeptically, but like any man, he was sooner driven by the wrong head. I had to resist a giggle when he turned to his wives and searched for the perfect match. He motioned over a blue eyed beauty with honey colored hair and legs for days. It was almost a shame.

“What can I do for you handsome?” She asked.  
“Would you care to join my dear Lucille and I in the other room for a spell?” Negan asked, but she looked almost frightened as she glanced at me.  
“I don’t know.” She hesitated and Negan chuckled as he lifted her chin to look her in her blue eyes. It seemed I wasn’t the only one weakened by that stare as she melted.  
“Don’t be scared Pussycat. That’s just my Little Bird.” He tugged her lip the way he did mine so many times before and I began to feel sick.  
“What’s your name?” I forced a sweet demeanor.  
“Betty.” She said and my eyes flicked up at Negan as I recalled his classic truck. He simply smirked and shrugged.  
“Don’t worry, Betty. I only bite if you want me to.” I said softly.

Betty turned to Negan, then back to me as she contemplated, nibbling her full rosy lip. Then finally a rather sultry smile tugged the corners of her mouth and she nodded in agreement. I smiled back as I took her hand and led her toward my room. When I looked back over my shoulder, Negan was trailing not far behind watching us closely with dark, hungry eyes.

Once we entered my bedroom, Negan took a seat and allowed us to put on a show for him. I turned to Betty who giggled coyly when I brought her close and kissed her. She tasted like vanilla. I wondered what I must have tasted like as she purred between my red lips and licked them. I trailed kisses down her long slender neck and she trembled before I pulled away and eased open the zipper of her silky black dress. I let it fall and bunch at her feet before turning and allowing her to do the same to mine. We must have painted a pretty picture in lingerie as we shared another kiss. I glanced up at Negan to find him sitting with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped and pressed to his smiling lips. While he remained quiet and patient as he watched us, I was sure he was dying for a taste. I almost felt guilty.

I looked him dead in the eyes as I shoved Betty into my bed and she squealed and giggled as she sunk safely into the plush pillows. Negan raised his brows and signaled me to proceed, so I straddled her before leaning down to kiss her again. I bit her lip and she moaned as she reached for my bra, but I stopped her. She gasped as I pinned her hands over head, claiming dominance before trailing kisses down her neck. She was squirming beneath me as I trailed my tongue down her collar bone, over her soft chest, then stopped at the crevice of her breasts. Then as I slowly made my way back up I reached beneath my ruffled pillow to retrieve a long pointed nail file.

“I’m sorry, Betty.” I cooed in her ear before sitting up and plunging it into her neck.

Betty’s big blue eyes widened with shock as she gaped up at me, paling suddenly. She croaked as she lifted her shaking hands to mine and I shoved the file deeper still. As her hot blood came pouring out over my hands I yanked the file away, spurting more blood across my half naked skin and I sighed with relief. It had been so long since I’d felt this way.

“Holy fuckin’ fuck!! What the fuck did you just fuckin’ do!” Negan shouted as he pried me off of her. “Jesus fuckin’ christ! You killed Betty!” He motioned to my mess as he scolded me.  
“You said you wanted to play.” I glared.  
“You wanna play dirty? Then you’ll get fuckin’ dirty!” He snatched me up and threw me over his shoulder.

I was laughing maniacally as he lugged me out of the blood bath and past the wives. They all cowered at the sight of me, half dressed, dripping with gore and seething with rage. When we reached the corridors I began kicking and screaming, struggling to free myself, but Negan didn’t stop. He gripped me tighter and carried me back to his room, ordering a random Savior to clean up the mess I’d left in my wake. He slammed the door behind him and I squealed as he shoved me into the shower and flushed me with cold water. Still, it did nothing to cool my temper as I shoved past him and sprinted out, soaking wet.

“Get your ass back here!” He growled as he lunged at me. I snatched a vase from his shelf and chucked it toward him, but he pivoted just out of its way and it shattered on the floor. “Oh _fuck_ no!!” He pounced again but I darted away.  
“Careful old man. You can’t run like you used to.” I jabbed from the safe distance of the couch, but to my surprise, he leapt over it. I was making another run for it when he yanked me back and clutched me to his chest.  
“You’re gonna fuckin’ swallow that fuckin’ pride if I have to shove it down your god damn throat.” He growled into my neck, so I lifted his hand to my mouth and chomped down.  
“Ah! Fuck! God dammit!” He pulled away and shook his fingers.  
“Not without my consent you’re not.” I challenged.

Negan turned to me darkly before he suddenly began to laugh. He ran a tired hand over his bearded face in frustration before he composed himself again and sighed. It seemed for the first time I’d actually won the fight. Though I wasn’t sure if it was something to celebrate as he began pacing slowly and silently like a panther about to strike. I contemplated running for safety again when he turned to me looking irate.

“Oh, the things I could fuckin’ do to fuckin’ break you, Lucille.” He groaned.  
“Then why don’t you?” I challenged, but a small part of me was panicking. I still wasn’t half as cruel as he could be.  
“Because I don’t want to fuckin’ fight you anymore!” He shouted, startling me.  
“What?” My brows furrowed. The idea of Negan surrendering was so foreign to me.  
“What the fuck is this? What the fuck happened to us?” He asked but I was at a loss for words.

Suddenly everything felt so cold as I stood before him shamefully, looking cheap in wet lingerie. I clutched my arms over my chest as I searched for an answer, but I found nothing. It would be easy to blame him for everything, but it wasn’t his fault alone. Some how somewhere we’d become so consumed with revenge that we were falling apart before it had even dawned on us to fall in love. _What happened to us?_

“I don’t know…” I shivered.  
“Well, I don’t want to fuckin do it anymore. I can’t tell you when exactly this shit hit the fuckin’ fan, but I can tell you the exact fuckin’ moment I realized I loved you, Lucille.” I felt my eyes welling up. “I asked you why you wouldn’t be my wife and you know what you said to me?” He asked and I sniffled as I shook my head. “You said, ‘Because I’m way too good for you’.” He said and I laughed despite my tears.  
“Still true.” I joked and he smiled ruefully.  
“What can I do to make you that happy again?” He asked.  
“Divorce me.” He looked away reluctantly. “Divorce me and you can be the boss, and I’ll be your Little Bird.” I said and he sighed.  
“That’s just who we are isn’t it?” He asked.  
“Is that enough?” I asked.  
“It is if you’ll say it back to me.” He said and I realized I never had said the words out loud to him before.  
“I love you.” I said and suddenly I felt a warmth in my chest as a great weight lifted off my shoulders. 

Negan took me into his arms and carried me to his bed and my heart raced back to life. For the first time, he was gentle. He kissed me softly as he carefully pulled away the lacy wives uniform for the last time. His salt and pepper beard tickled my skin as he trailed down to my hips. As he gazed up at me with kind, loving eyes I blushed and smiled, but still, soft sex bored me. I wanted more. Then suddenly his eyes darkened again as he chomped down on the tender skin of my thigh and I yelped.

“You didn’t really fuckin’ think you were gonna fuck with me and get away with it did you?” He grinned mischievously.  
“Oh, thank god!” I giggled and squealed as he roughly drug me to the end of the bed.

So we made love our way and though I’d once told myself Negan wasn’t capable of love, he was. He was tangible. He was human after all. -And so was I.


	23. Safe Word

I was blasting The Smiths on my old turn table, in my old room for the first time in ages. I flung open my windows to let the Spring breeze in and began wiping away the layer of dust that had accumulated while I was gone. As I ripped away the musky sheets from my bed I felt free again and when “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” began to play I danced with new life in me. Ironically, it was the happiest I’d been since the world died. 

Then I suddenly realized, I’d never been in love before now. Is this what it felt like? I was glowing as I gathered my dirty sheets and twirled with the music to toss them aside when I was startled by Negan. He was leaning against my door frame watching me with his blinding smile that dimpled his handsomely aged face. Though he wore the same leather jacket with the same slicked back hair it was like I was seeing him in a new light.

“Hi.” I blushed and he winked, making me tingle all over.

With the air between us finally cleared, nothing held me back as I leapt into his arms. He easily lifted me off my feet and kissed me, savoring the taste of me. He hummed against my lips so deeply that it vibrated my insides and I found it hard to compose myself. When he set me down again I felt light headed and weak in the knees.

I turned down the music a bit and retrieved a new set of sheets as I continued with my chores. Negan, being the perpetual bad boy he was, didn’t seem to care as he plopped down on my unmade bed. In the past, it would have annoyed me, but now I found it oddly charming and even a bit tempting as he leaned back on his hands and watched me. I wanted to climb on top of him.

“Hey, why don’t you make yourself useful there buddy?” I tossed him a pillowcase instead.  
“I don’t make beds.” He said setting it aside in contempt.  
“Did you just come to get in my way then?” I asked.  
“Yup.” He yanked me over to stand between his long legs. “I’ve got people who can do this for you, you know.” He offered as he kissed my hand, his gray beard tickled my fingers.  
“No thanks. I can take care of myself.” I blushed at the gesture.  
“You sure you don’t want to upgrade to a better room? This place is a fuckin’ dump.” He said.  
“Hey, this is _my_ dump and I like it!” I frowned.  
“Alright, suit yourself. You can come back to your dump later, but for now, it’s time you got back to work.” He said as he stood.  
“N-now?-But what about…” I trailed off, feeling anxious.  
“Let’s give em’ somethin’ to talk about.” He bounced his brows playfully.  
“Oh, they have plenty to talk about.” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, what are we going to tell them?” I asked.  
“Nothing. It’s none of their fuckin’ business.” He said matter of factly.  
“Negan, they’re gonna have questions.” I insisted.  
“They don’t fuckin’ question me, they answer to me.” He said.  
“Well, they’re going to question _me_ and-” He lifted a finger to my lips to stop me.  
“Just shut up. I’ll handle it.” He said bluntly.  
“You’re oppressive.” I scowled as I made my way out.  
“You fuckin’ like it.” He slapped my ass. He may have been oppressive, but he was right.

***

When we joined the Saviors outside it was every bit as mortifying as I’d imagined. Everyone seemed to freeze at the sight of me and their judging eyes brought my stomach to knots. What did they think of me now? What all did they know? And what kind of twisted story had it become? Not that it wasn’t twisted enough before the proverbial game of telephone. I wanted to run and hide, but now more than ever I had to prove that I was a respectable Savior, Lieutenant, ex-wife, whatever the hell I was. As I made my way toward the Sanctuary stairs, Negan gripped the waist of my shorts and pulled me to his side again. I flushed as I stumbled back. 

“Nope. You stick with me.” He said.   
“-But” I started.

Before I could protest Negan turned to address the elephant in the room. Me. When he tapped the end of his bat on the hard cement, the sound instantly brought the Saviors to attention. Nervous as I was I still couldn’t help but be captivated by him. I loved the way he towered over everyone around him. The way his dark, gorgeous features fell into a serious and dominating glare that struck fear and demanded respect. When he spoke, his deep rumbling voice made me quiver.

“Whatever the fuck you heard, whatever you _think_ you fuckin’ know, whatever the fuck you are thinking _right fuckin’ now_ probably has absolute fuck-all to do with you.” He started and suddenly their eyes shifted guiltily from Negan to myself. I kept my eyes on Negan as he paced leisurely. “-But I am a man of reason, and I understand why you might have some questions or concerns. So, let me clear this shit up.” He stopped. “ _We_ came to do our jobs. If you think you are somehow incapable of doing _yours_ on the account of _us_ , now is your chance to fuckin’ speak…” He said as he waved his barbed wire bat, offering them a chance to object but the Saviors remained quiet. “Anybody? No?” He waited, lifting a hand to his ear but still there was only heavy silence. “Then bury it. Let it die. And if it comes back up again, I will do what I do best. I will fuckin’ kill that shit.” He paused before his stern face lifted into his usual playful smirk. You could feel the air around us lift as he released us from his grip. “So! Let’s move the fuck on! What’s crappenin’ today?” He asked, clapping and rubbing his hands together.

Simon approached us looking flustered, but like everyone else, he bit his tongue. He knew well enough that there was no sense in arguing. Still, he couldn't fake any enthusiasm at the sight of me. Instead, he shot me a look of disgust before handing over the daily report. It was nothing new. I simply smirked before I turned back to Negan and marveled at him. He was a king.

***

Simon had scouted a well-stocked shopping strip a few miles away and it would be a good, easy run so long as we controlled the hoard of walkers. We’d assembled a plan to take the hoard by section, splitting into three groups to clear them out before gathering supplies. Negan normally didn’t bother with supply runs, but there wasn’t a chance that he’d allow me to go on my own. I’d never seen him step down amongst the Saviors and my interest was peaked.

By the time we’d reached the strip, I was restless with excitement. I never imagined I’d be so thrilled to see the walkers again. The second we hit the pavement I sprinted for them wielding a machete and a hand gun. It was like riding a bike as it all came back to me. I kept my peripherals open taking out a walker in front of me while aiming my gun behind me to take out another. When I felt a warm, firm grip on my arm I knew it was him.

“God dammit woman, if you shoot me-“ Negan snatched away my gun and shot a walker lunging behind me.  
“I’d better kill you?” I swung my machete and took out another behind him and he smirked. It seemed we worked just as well as we played together.

It wasn’t much longer before we’d cleared our block and only a few strays lingered behind. Negan playfully swung his bat beating down the last in our vicinity before he whistled in delight and spun on his heel. He was ambling back toward me when something caught his eye and he grinned widely. I followed his gaze to find a book store and turned back to him beaming. We’d found our loot.

When we entered the book store I became a kid in a candy shop, skipping and hopping along in excitement. Negan brought us an empty crate and together we gathered a significant haul of vinyls before we began perusing the books as well. I suddenly gasped as I snatched up a coffee table book filled with rare stock photos of James Dean. My heart was throbbing as I flipped through the pages.

“What’s that?” Negan inquired as he joined me.  
“It’s James Dean. Ugh, I love him…” I swooned as I ran a finger over his image.  
“Of course you fuckin’ do.” He huffed seeming unimpressed, but I could sense a tinge of jealousy.  
“Oh yeah? Who’s your famous crush?” I asked sneaking James Dean into our loot.  
“Hm… Linda Harrison…” He said as he scanned a random book. “-Circa ‘Planet Of The Apes’.” He specified.  
“Didn’t she play a mute in that movie?” I raised my brow.  
“Fuck yes she did.” He grinned as he snapped the book closed and tossed it aside. I rolled my eyes. “You know, you’re almost a spitting image of her now that I think about it. You wanna be my ‘Nova’?” He referenced as he brushed a thumb over my pout.  
“Sure, what are you gonna be? The ape?” I jabbed and he laughed.  
“You are cute as fuck.” He said as his eyes deepened.

I giggled when Negan lifted me onto the store counter. My body was already heating up as he ran his hands down my legs and wrapped them around his waist. I draped my arms over the back of his neck as he pulled me into a kiss and our breaths became heavy as our tongues explored. The very second his hand reached into the front of my shorts and stroked my dampened panties, the Saviors called for everyone to reassemble.

“What a fuckin’ shame.” Negan chuckled deeply before prying his hand away and I moaned desperately. 

When I saw the long, thick bulge in his pants I was tempted to reach for it. -But the last thing I needed was for the Saviors to come looking for us, only to find me on my knees. No matter how tempting that may have sounded.

***

After a very successful haul, we returned to the Sanctuary and I joined Negan in his room to sort through the contents of our loot. I sat on the floor among our pile of treasures and started alphabetizing the vinyls. I was smiling as I watched Negan drumming his hands on his legs as he started Ram Jam’s ‘Black Betty’ on the turn table. I loved the way music seemed to bring out his youth. I began to wonder what he must have looked like at my age. He was gorgeous no doubt, but was he always so confident and persuasive? Or was there a time he’d ever doubted himself? Had he ever had his heart broken? Or had he always been the heartbreaker? The questions were teetering on the tip of my tongue when he joined me on the floor.

“Let’s see what else we got here! Some Sly And The Family Stone, a little Steppenwolf, The Sweet, and… Tears for fuckin’ Fears? _Really?_ ” Negan began to laugh.  
“What’s wrong with Tears For Fears?” I frowned and he gripped his sides as he continued laughing at me. “Hey! ‘Head Over Heels’ was good stuff!” I shoved him.  
“Oh fuck me! You’re fuckin’ killing me!” He wiped his teary eyes.  
“Okay, let’s not throw stones here!” I snatched up his John Denver album accusingly.  
“Whoa! John Denver is fuckin’ phenomenal.” He pointed.  
“Mmmkay Grandpappy. Whatever you say.” I rolled my eyes before he yanked me into his arms and I squealed as he tickled my hips.  
“No! Seriously Negan stop! Please stop!” I cackled as he moved up my ribs and though I tried to squirm from his grasp, he easily pinned me down beneath him.  
“You’re so fuckin’ cute when you beg.” Negan smirked and suddenly I felt a very different sort of tickle as he licked the corner of his mouth.

I climbed into his lap and kissed him deeply, eager to pick up where we’d left off. As our tongues mingled I reached for his white t-shirt shirt, yearning to feel his skin against my own, but instead, he shoved me back to the floor. He pulled away my shorts and wrapped my bare legs around his waist. He leaned down to kiss me again and my hips lifted off the floor to press against him as he took hold of my breasts. He flicked his finger over my nipples until they hardened beneath my shirt before slowly lifting and removing it. I sat up in his lap once more, gripping and pulling him into me as he used a single hand to unclasp my bra. When it fell away he took my nipple between his lips and I hummed as I gripped his dark hair. I began grinding against him, desperate for any bit of stimulation I could find but again he shoved me down to the floor to remove his shirt. When I reached for his bare skin he stopped me again.

“No touching.” He said.  
“But-“ 

He brought a finger to my lips to silence me before running his hand slowly down my neck and chest. Then, again, he flicked and fondled my nipples until I began squirming beneath him, aching for more. He inched down my ribs and tummy before wrapping his hands around my hips where he tickled me. I giggled as I shoved his hands away but he clutched my wrists.

“No touching. Do not make me have to tell you again.” He commanded and I nodded. “Don’t fuckin’ nod at me. Speak.” He said.  
“Yes sir.” I said.  
“That’s right. Now put your hands over your head.” He ordered and I did.

I quivered all over when he began stroking my panties moving a single finger slowly up and down the crease. He chuckled inwardly to find they were already wet before he took hold and yanked them upward into my slit. As the fabric stretched and pressed against my clit I moaned. I tightened my legs around his waist as he ran his fingers lightly over my exposed lips. It was enough to make me throb for him, and I could feel myself trickling down to his finger tips. I gasped when he pulled the fabric tighter, wedging my panties deeper.

“Negan please…” I reached for his hands.  
“What did I fuckin’ say?” He asked sternly.  
“No touching.” I whimpered as I pulled away.  
“And yet you blatantly disobeyed me didn’t you?” He spanked me.  
“Yes sir! I’m sorry!” I yelped.  
“Get up!” He yanked me to my feet only to shove me into his bed. “Am I gonna have to fuckin’ tie you down? Is that what you fuckin’ want?” He asked reaching down to remove his belt. I whined as he took hold of my wrist and brought it to my ankle, then wrapped his belt tightly and securely around them. I was beginning to feel nervous.   
“Shouldn’t we come up with a safe word or something?” I asked breathlessly.  
“What? Are you scared?” He chuckled as he snatched his bullet belt from the bed frame and did the same to my other hand.  
“A little.” I admitted as I watched him.  
“The safe word is John Denver.” He joked in an attempt to relax me and I laughed briefly before he spanked me.

I felt meek and shy again when he finished and stood tall above me, taking in the sight of me with his intense glare. I was entirely vulnerable and exposed as I clasped my knees tightly together and squirmed with bound hands. I had never been so defenseless to his will before. It was equally unsettling as it was exciting.

“Open your legs.” He ordered, and I pried my shaking knees apart.

Just like before he caressed my soaking panties and he watched as I trembled beneath his touch. He continued until I was whimpering for more, trying desperately to thrust into his fingers. With slow hands, he stroked my thighs and lingered only inches away from my pussy. I gasped when he suddenly gripped the delicate fabric of my panties and ripped them away at the seam. He used two fingers to spread my lips apart and puckered to blow on my throbbing clit. The cool air made my skin lift with goosebumps and I shivered all over. Then finally he slid his fingers inside me and I moaned long and deep. As his pace quickened I could feel the pressure growing inside me and my body begged for release, but he pulled away.

“Oh god! Negan please!” I panted.  
“Please what?” He asked.  
“Please let me come!” I pleaded.  
“Mm! I love that! Say it again.” He laughed as he spanked me.  
“Please, Negan… Let me come please!” I cried.

He rewarded me as he sunk his fingers back inside and kneeled down to taste me. I arched my back when his tongue ran up and down my quivering flesh, lapping up my wetness. As he flicked over my clit my legs began to shake. My body began climbing again and my heart raced frantically as I reached the very edge, but he stopped again taking my breath away.

“No! Nooo! Fuck youuu!” I groaned as I ached.  
“Fuck _you_! That’s not how we get what we want is it?” He asked, laughing sadistically at the way my body writhed in desperation.  
“Please Negan! It hurts!” I whined.  
“Aw, my poor, dirty girl…” He ran his fingers up and down my soaked lips.   
“I’ll do anything! Please!” I begged.  
“Careful.” He warned. 

He tapped my clit and I inhaled sharply as a lump formed in my throat. I fought the tears back, but my voice began to shake before he finally showed me mercy. 

“You’ve been a good girl.” He said deeply as he leaned down to kiss my quivering lips. I sighed in relief as he began unbinding my hands and kissed my reddened skin and trailed up to my hips again.  
“Can I touch you?” I asked as he gathered a belt in his hand.  
“You’re gonna do more than that.” He said.

He flipped me onto my front side and lifted my hips off my bed. I gasped when he suddenly slipped his hard length inside me and growled as he sunk deeper. My body shook and relished the feeling of him filling me up, finally.

“Alright, you wanna come?” He asked.  
“God yes! Please!” I moaned.  
“Then fuck me until you come!” He whipped me with his belt.

Negan planted his feet and stood firmly behind me as I backed my ass into him. I was crying out with pleasure as I took him hard and fast, racing to come before he stopped me again, but he didn’t this time. Instead, he wrapped his belt around my neck before thrusting deeper inside me. I sat up and pressed my back against him as he tightened the belt around my throat and I croaked when he reached down to caress my clit again. My insides tightened and trembled around him as I began ascending again. My heart hammered in my chest as I reached the cusp. Negan released the belt and I gasped as I clutched his shoulders and my body spasmed. When I finally plummeted the tears I’d fought came streaming down my cheeks and I screamed out his name. Negan quickly followed, and the feeling of his throbbing cock drew out my orgasm even longer until suddenly it was overwhelming and I curled into myself. I wept as I came back down again falling limp in his arms. He panted into my neck as he composed himself, then carefully draped me on the bed before sinking in beside me kissing me sweetly. Several aftershocks later, I finally stopped spinning and basked in his warmth as he wrapped his arms around me.

“You’re such an asshole.” I said light heartedly.  
“God I know…” He grinned as he reached up and ran a tired hand over his face, exposing his ribs. 

Curiosity got the best of me as I reached to tickle him. Negan flinched and recoiled before shooting me a serious look and I suddenly realized he was ticklish. I grinned mischievously as I straddled him, and began relentlessly tickling his sides until he finally broke. The sound of his deep, raw laughter was like music. The way his smile wrinkled his face enchanted me. I’d never seen him this way before and I couldn’t get enough, so I kept going.

“John Denver!” He shouted breaking me as well.

***

Though I had my old room back, I spent the night with Negan tucked safely in the nook of his arm. I slept best with him by my side. For the first time in a long time, I was dreaming pleasantly. I saw the world before the walkers. Sunny skies and busy streets. I saw a home with white picket fences where Negan sat on the porch in a rocking chair with a long leg over his knee and a baby girl in his lap. She was beautiful with dark curls and big green eyes. She reached with dimpled hands to clutch his salt and peppered beard and he smiled as he kissed her tiny fingers. I was watering roses as I watched them lovingly. -But suddenly my visions came to an abrupt halt when the Sanctuary’s fire alarms ripped us from our slumber.

“What’s happening?” I leapt from my pillow.  
“I don’t know. Stay here.” Negan clamored out of bed and threw on his clothes.  
“What? No! I’m going with you!” I did the same.  
“Lucille-“ He started.  
“I’m not staying.” I said firmly as I made my way out.  
“God dammit.” He growled as he followed after me.

When we reached the hall Simon met us at the door. He looked wired but his eyes were red with lack of sleep. I wondered what he was doing awake at this hour and my eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Prisoner A escaped.” He shouted over the alarms referring to the Miner, Clark.  
“How the fuck-“ Negan started.  
“I don’t know.” He said.  
“Where is he?” Negan growled as he stormed down the hall. Bells echoed loudly at every turn.  
“I don’t know.” Simon seemed to cringe knowingly.  
“You don’t fuckin’ know!? -Somebody shut off these god damn fuckin’ alarms!” He shouted angrily and only a moment later they stopped. “Get the Saviors out of fuckin’ bed and sweep every god damn nook and fuckin’ cranny of the Sanctuary! Find him and bring him and the rest of the prisoners to the furnaces! Now!” Negan was irate and Simon left without question.  
“Should I-“ I started.  
“You stay with me!” He gripped my wrist and dragged me along.

The prisoner didn’t make it far before he was captured. I stood beside Negan on the platform and I could feel the anger radiating off him as he watched the Saviors drag the prisoner in. It seemed everyone was awake now as they gathered beneath us waiting for Negan’s sentence. Then suddenly my heart stopped as they drug David in. I became ill with guilt. How could I have forgotten?


	24. Who Are You?

A deep and heavy feeling of shame wrenched in my gut as I stood by Negan’s side, looking down on David from the platform of the furnace room. Weeks of seclusion in the prison had left him pale and emaciated. He was frightened and disoriented as his sunken eyes shifted frantically over the crowd observing him. It appeared as if he was lost like he didn’t recognize a single face. -But when his gaze finally came to rest on me I could see sudden recollection in his eyes and it was soon followed by hostility. The refreshing blue that used to shimmer at the sight of me was now piercing and cold. I wanted to cower away. 

It was clear to both of us that I’d been so wrapped up in Negan and my own search of freedom that I’d forgotten about him entirely and now David was broken. Only fragments of the man I used to know remained. What had I done to him? What had _Negan_ done to him?

When I turned away I was met with much darker eyes as Negan had been scrutinizing my reaction. I was sure my thoughts were written clearly on my face, so I quickly looked down at my feet in an attempt to hide them. Negan leaned into my ear so closely his lips grazed my lobe and my skin tingled all over in a jumble of arousal and fear.

“Wait here.” He said deeply.

As Negan descended the steel steps his boots echoed over the room, steady and unhurried, yet heavy with menace. The entire community seemed to be frozen, holding their breaths and averting their eyes. All of them hiding in plain sight from his glaring eyes. When he reached the bottom, he paused before swinging his bat and striking the hollow metal railing. The room jumped and flinched as the ear-splitting sound of impact bellowed over the silence like thunder. Negan laughed to himself as he licked his teeth before biting down on his smirking lip. He was feasting on their fear.

“Are we awake yet?” He asked, his voice resonating. “-Because I sure as fuck am and I am grumpy as _shit_ about it… but there is no rest for the weary. There is no rest in this fuckin’ Sanctuary. There is _always_ work to be done and we bust our fuckin’ balls to do it because that's what we fuckin’ do. We are the Saviors. We work to build a new world whether that be by the monumental act of a soldier protecting the living, or the humble job of a vendor trading points, or even the lowdown fuckin’ dirty work of a prisoner moppin’ up their own piss. We _all_ play a fundamental role in this Sanctuary. -But there is always some sorry sack of shit who doesn’t want to play by the fuckin’ rules, and that’s where I come in. So-”

Negan suddenly swung his bat, slugging Clark in the gut with just enough force to knock the wind out of him. As he caved to his knees gasping, Negan stood above him and peered mercilessly into his pained eyes. The cold, fearless scowl Clark once dawned was now puckered with pain. He writhed and struggled to catch his breath as Negan continued.

“I’m so god damn disappointed in you, Clark. I mean, you’re really pressin’ my balls here. I don’t want to do this to you. I _like_ you. I want you to join the cause. Hell, I’m even willing to find a place for your ol’ fuckin’ lady over there. -Which is more than you can say because you were just gonna run away and leave her behind like a little bitch! That is fuckin’ cold! That must fuckin’ sting!” He said as he turned and approached Clark’s former lover, Laura.

Unlike Clark, she had lost her gall long ago. She didn’t dare look away from the cold floor, but instead shrunk further away from Negan, clutching her arms over her sunken chest. Her once hay colored hair was dirt ridden and slick with grease as it trembled over her dark-circled eyes. Still, Negan forced himself into her view and began coercing her as well.

“ _Unless_ you were planning to go with him. Were you in on this fuckin’ piss poor escape plan execution?” He asked, but Laura didn’t speak she only shivered. It was as if she was paralyzed. “Well, you can lead the fuckers to water…”

Negan sighed deeply as he stood straight again and began pacing before the three prisoners. He tucked his bat under his arm and pressed his palms together, bringing his hands up to his lips, almost as if he were praying as he contemplated. -But Negan didn’t pray. He didn’t believe in mercy or forgiveness because he was not a man of god. He was a hell-raiser. So he grinned darkly, looking like the devil himself as he demonstrated his dominance.

“Who are you?” Negan asked as he calmly lifted and pointed his bat to a random Savior.  
“I’m Negan.” The Savior said promptly.

Negan whistled and snapped as he motioned for the Savior to take his place before Clark. Then he continued down the line and stood before David. Again, he pointed his bat to a Savior.

“Who are you?” He asked.  
“I’m Negan.” The Savior said and without question, he took his place before David.  
“I want you to know, ‘Prisoner D’, that this isn’t because I think you’re a suspect to the crime or anything. This is purely for my own fuckin’ enjoyment.” He noted and chuckled to himself before proceeding down the line. “-And now you…” He stood before Laura. “What the fuck am I gonna do about you? I can’t sick one of the fellas on you. That wouldn’t be a fair fight. Let’s see…” He scanned the room briefly. “Ah, I know!” He twirled and looked up at me with a glimmer of mischief in his eyes as he lifted his bat to point. “Who are _you?_ ” He asked me. 

As his booming voice echoed overhead, the room’s gaze shifted up to me. -But I only felt two pairs of biding eyes. Icy blue and burning copper. Polar opposites tugging and pulling me apart. I’d stood here before them so many times before, but this would be the last time. Now I had to choose. 

If I said it, it would be my ultimate declaration to Negan. The final piece of the puzzle he needed to know where my heart truly lied. -But if I said it, the remaining slivers of my mask would crumble and David would no longer recognize me. It would be like I’d never existed and our friendship would have been nothing more than deceit. 

Then I suddenly realized, all this time I had been trying to salvage a friendship that never existed in the first place. The only way I could save David was to release him. -To release myself. This was the answer. It had always been the answer. So I plunged the knife and with just three simple words, ‘Lucy’ died.

“I am Negan.” I said. It was excruciating.  
“That’s my fuckin’ girl!” Negan beamed with pride as he winked.

He turned to David and laughed triumphantly at what I assumed was a look of shock and utter disdain on his face. Even though I could feel his frigid blue eyes watching me descend the stairs, I couldn’t face them. So I turned to Negan instead.

A moment later he whistled, signaling us to proceed. Without question, we began pummeling the prisoners before us. My heart ached when I heard David shout in pain, so I went harder on my own prisoner in an attempt to drown him out. Laura groaned and yelped, curling into a fetal position and clutching her arms protectively over her weakened frame, but I continued selfishly, relentlessly. Soon the pain of it all seemed to roll off my fists into every crack of her brittle bones. The cocktail of power and adrenaline rushed through me, ringing in my ears and numbing everything. Until suddenly Negan ordered us to stop.

“Little Bird.” He called. “Pull out your pistol and press that fuckin’ barrel smack dab in the middle of her chest for me, dear.” He ordered and I complied.

Negan joined us, squatting so he was at eye level with Laura who was hardly recognizable among the swelling and blood. She wheezed as she peered through bruised eyes at the gun in my hand, then up at Negan. Tears began streaming down her puffy cheeks as he spoke.

“Now I’m gonna ask you a very simple god damn question. If you get it right, I’ll toss you a get out of jail free card and set you up on the point system. It’ll fuckin’ suck, but hell, you won’t be dead and it will suck less than where you are now. Get it fuckin’ _wrong_ , and my Little Bird here will pop a bullet between your tits and we’ll hang you on the fence to dry out with the rest of fuckin’ the walkers. So, here’s your shot! Who are you?” He pointed his bat.  
“…I-I’m N-Negan…” She surrendered through bloodied teeth and Negan slowly applauded her.  
“Well I’ll be god damned, you actually got it fuckin’ right! Congratu-fuckin’-lations! Someone get this girl a band-aid!” He laughed before turning to me with a wicked grin. “Boy, you really did fuckin’ a number on that one. Let’s keep going, shall we?” He motioned for me to proceed down the line and I realized he wasn’t done testing me yet.

He skipped over David, though I knew that was exactly where Negan’s plan was headed as I forced my feet into motion. Just like before, I aimed for Clark’s chest and waited for Negan’s cue. Clark stared stubbornly ahead, despite my gun pressed to his chest before Negan forced him to look in the eye. “What about you old friend? Who are you?” He asked.

Clark didn’t speak at all but instead spit impudently in Negan’s face. The entire room flinched and gasped in shock as Negan’s head jerked away in surprise. I whipped my gun over Clark’s head, knocking him to the ground where the Saviors gathered to pin him down. 

The room was frozen as we held our breaths, awaiting the wrath to follow, but Negan remained composed. He sighed deeply with his eyes shut as he willed the rage away and wiped the bloodied spit from his dark brow. When I cocked my gun, he surprisingly stopped me. A hostile smile crept over his face as he lifted his bat preparing for a swing before Clark recoiled in fear. 

“I’m just fuckin’ with you, Clark. I’m not gonna kill you. That’d be too fuckin’ easy.” He grinned as he dropped his stance and something about that was even more frightening. “Someone bring me a pair of pliers.” Negan ordered calmly and the room hustled as if their lives depended on it.

I wasn’t sure who or where it came from, but only seconds later a Savior managed to retrieve Negan a pair of needle nose pliers before very quickly falling back in line. Negan took a moment to inspect them, weighing and gripping them in his hand as he spoke.

“That’ll do just fine. Now hold that mother fucker down and pry open his mouth good and wide.” He orchestrated the others as he handed me the pliers. “Take these and stretch out his tongue as far as you can, darlin’.” He said as he reached to unsheathe his hunting knife.

Clark kicked and screamed with whatever fight he had left but the Saviors gathered to easily restrain him. They choked and muffled his face, forcing him to swallow a gasp of air before shoving and wrenching his jaw apart in preparation for me. I knew the community was watching us. I knew David was watching me. And though a small part of me was torn, the bigger part of me wanted to. I wanted to feel the rush again so badly I craved it. I wanted to see blood. So I straddled Clark and dove the pliers harshly between his teeth. 

The sound of metal scraping and cracking against exposed bone made my heart race. After a bit of effort, I got a grip of his tongue and squeezed with enough force to feel it pop and crunch under pressure as I yanked it from his throat. Negan kneeled beside me and with a sharp ring of his blade, he sliced away a portion of meat. Clark’s gurgling shriek was drowned in a fountain of blood that sprayed like a fine mist over our faces. I took a moment to examine Negan’s dissection before handing it to him and he did the same as he laughed. 

“Christ that’s fuckin’ gross.” He tossed it aside like litter. “Now that that’s settled, I want you to go back to your cell and think about what you fuckin’ did. And the next time I see you I wanna hear you say it… as best as you can anyway.” He teased sadistically.

While the Saviors rushed Clark to the infirmary, Negan sauntered over to David. The very last phase of my test. -But I couldn’t move. When Negan realized I hadn’t followed, he turned to me and simply waited. The room stood still waiting for me and as the long seconds of silence passed I felt an intense wave of nausea come over me.

“Lucille.” Negan’s voice shoved me into motion.

I felt light headed and dizzy as I took my place before David. My palms were clammy as I reached for my gun and lifted it in my shaking hand. I weakly aimed for his chest shamefully averting my eyes. When I finally found the courage to look up at him, David glared down with a coldness that pierced me. Then finally Negan broke the intense silence.

“Damn you look like _shit!_ ” He laughed and slapped David’s back like they were old friends. “Listen, ‘D’. We’re not strangers, we’re just… estranged. I sincerely don’t want to see you fuckin’ die today, but…” Negan gave me a look up and down. “-Well you know what the stakes are. So take your time. Think about it. Think real fuckin’ hard. Who are you?” He asked and began dawdling back, twirling his bat idly.

I fidgeted as I willed David to say the words and my pleading thoughts were just reaching the cusp of my lips when Negan lifted a finger to stop me. When David looked down on me again, it was not with anger, but with pity. I didn't think it could hurt any worse, but I felt a tear run down my bloody cheek before he finally answered.

“I am Negan.” He said and I dropped my gun in relief, but it was soon followed by regret. In the end, it all came at a cost.  
“Welcome back, Savior. You can have your old room back.” Negan praised and rewarded David as he threw a friendly arm over his shoulder. David surprisingly nodded in acceptance. “Listen, don’t take this personal, but there’s gonna be some pretty fuckin’ heavy security restrictions on you for a while. -Just until the shit settles. I’m sure you understand.” Negan pat his shoulder before shoving him away.

When Negan dismissed them the community dispersed back to their rooms for the night. I stayed behind, sitting on the stairs watching as the custodian tossed Clark’s tongue in the furnace and mopped up the blood. Negan took a seat next to me and sighed as he habitually tapped the end of his bat on his boot. He knew I was angry. 

“What if he hadn’t said it?” I asked.  
“I knew he would and he did. It was a fuckin’ scare tactic.” He said.  
“Well, maybe next time you could give me a little heads up.” I scoffed.  
“No. First of all, you’re a fuckin’ terrible liar and you wear everything on your face.” He said as I attempted a poker face. “Like right now you think I don’t know you’re trying to catch _me_ in a lie. You think I’ll admit that shit was all just a test to prove I could finally trust you. -Which it totally fuckin’ was.” He read me like a book and my attempt at a poker face quickly fell. “-But what you don’t realize is I never would have actually made you do it. I would never put that shit on you.” He said and I blushed feeling a bit ashamed. Negan wasn't the only one with trust issues after all. “Come back to bed.” He stood and offered me his hand. I took it.

After a quick shower we laid naked in bed, but for the first time, it wasn’t lust driven at all. We simply laid there entwined beneath the sheets, warm and content in our naked skin. As Negan’s long fingers stroked my hair I slowly drifted off to sleep and I dreamt that everything would be fine.


	25. Daddy Issues

_Everything was bleak and gray. I thought since winter had passed the Sanctuary wouldn't be so cold, but as I wrapped my arms around my chest and carried on down its dark caverns it got colder. My footsteps were loud as drums. Everyone was sleeping, but I swore I could hear voices like hisses in the darkness of every corner. My skin prickled as the hairs on my body stood straight and my throat became dry. I wanted to turn back, but then I heard a hollow clicking of claws tapping on the steel pipes above me followed by a chirp. It was that bird again. Black with a crimson chest. He was curious but guarded, following me from a safe distance. I reached for him, but he fluttered away. I took a slow step back for fear he would take flight and leave me alone here. I didn’t want to be alone. What was I doing here at this hour? Why was I here again? I looked ahead to find I was standing before a door, but it wasn’t like the others in the Sanctuary. It was my old bedroom door that I’d once covered in band posters. A hole the size of a fist had ripped through the Rolling Stones red mouth and tongue. I peeked inside it, holding my breath when suddenly an eye appeared. It was bloodshot and yellow with violently green irises that frightened me._

_“You let me die!” A voice howled but it sounded unnatural. It was both deep and raspy yet quivering and shrill. Like multiple entities speaking in unison. Some angry, some frightened. “You let me die!!!” It repeated as the eye reddened even more._  
“You were already dead.” I cried.  
“Now you’re gonna die too!” It said.  
“No. No, I won’t.” I shook my head.  
“Lucille…” The voice softened to a more meek and gentle tone. An echoing whisper that I had to lean closer to hear. I thought I heard Dr. Bran. “Lucille…” It repeated and it wasn’t until the deadened eye began to weep that the other voices faded away and ‘Lucy’ spoke to me. She cried as she reached a gaunt, bloodied arm through the hole and stroked my cheek with her cold, trembling hand. “You’re already dead.” She whimpered.  
“No…” I breathed.  
“You’re already dead!” She shrieked as she suddenly ripped her bony fingers through my hair and I screamed as I tried pulling away. “You’re already dead!!” The voices came back before they morphed into something deeper. Another emerged that sounded so distant and yet so distinct that my heart stopped. It was my father. “You’re already dead you whore!!” He growled as he began yanking me further as if he were trying to pull me through the small hole from where his giant arm protruded. “You’re a whore just like your mother! And you’ll die too! Just like her!” He shouted as his large hand gripped and crushed around my neck.   
“Daddy no!” I croaked and clawed for him to release me, but I was too weak. 

_I had always been too weak to fight him. I was suffocating and sniveling under his hand just the way I did when I was young. Then just as my vision blurred and my mind began blacking out, he suddenly released me. I fell back into darkness so deep I felt a rush in the pit of my stomach just before-_

I woke up.

I gasped sharply as I bolted up from my pillow, dampened in cold sweat and tears. It was all so real and familiar that my mind struggled to discern nightmare from reality. The pungent scent of cigarettes and whiskey on my father’s breath seemed to linger and permeate the air as I clutched my chest. I could still feel the grip of his rough and calloused hand wringing my neck. When I finally came to realize I was safe in my room I wanted to sigh in relief, but it sooner escaped me in a raspy sob. I gripped my head trying to ignore the lingering images in my mind, but they were still there. They’d always been there in some form or another. 

I never had nightmares when I slept with Negan, but he’d been gone for several days on an outing with a small group of Saviors, David, and Clark. He called it the final inquisition. I called it suicide. This, of course, led to a screaming match, that led to a blowup, that ended in flames. -But now that three days had passed, I’d had plenty of time to cool off and now I felt nothing but regret. What if something happened to him? The thought made me sick to my stomach.

***

It had been a week and with each passing day, a sense of dread was rising within me. So in an attempt to keep my thoughts from driving me mad, I kept as busy as possible working overtime. The sun was just beginning to set when the farmers came to deliver their harvests. I observed from the kitchen’s loading docks, counting and scribbling the updated inventory numbers. It was no coincidence that I could see the Sanctuary gates from here. 

By the time they were finished, dusk had painted the sky and I lingered behind to watch its vibrant colors fade. I sat with my feet dangling from the docks and inhaled the savory smell of dinner as it fused with the earthy scent of nightfall. It filled me with nostalgia that quickly turned to a deep sense of loneliness that clenched my chest. A lump was forming in my throat when suddenly I heard a distant rumbling growling closer.

My heart leapt when the trucks came roaring past the trees, kicking up clouds of dust as they skidded through the gates. I wanted to sprint to them, but my body remained so still I was holding my breath while my eyes frantically fluttered and shifted in search of him. As the seconds drew on I began to feel like I was drowning. I could feel the pressure of my pulse pounding in my temples until the moment Negan’s heavy boot hit the dirt. I sighed like I could finally breathe again.

He appeared suave and poised, confidently gliding along with the usual customs. In a smooth and well-practiced motion, he lifted his bat onto his rugged shoulder and made his way toward the Sanctuary with a parade of Saviors and bounties trailing behind him. Though he appeared composed his eyes pensively searched the grounds and when they finally came to rest on me they flickered. A grin slowly tugged at the corners of his lips as he ambled over.

He stopped only a inches from me, but it felt like there were miles between us. As tall as he was, only his chest met my knees as he rested his arms on the dock beside me. There were very few and far less tamed moments when he had to look up at me. -But damn, he looked sexy from this angle. My fingers twitched with the urge to pull him into me, but the only thing stronger than our burning tension was the pressure of the communities scrutiny. So we maintained professionalism.

“Is that for me?” He reached for the clipboard, leaning over my lap so closely his chest pressed against my legs and I timidly fidgeted away.  
“Y-yea…” I cleared my throat. “Yea everything’s up to date and above quota. -Well, except the uh… the infirmary. We’re short on meds but, well, that’s not news.” I revised and rambled nervously. Negan glanced up at me, amused by my sudden jitteriness.  
“You did me proud Little Bird.” He winked, knocking the rest of the wind out of me. “Do me a solid and pencil in this last drop. Punch out when you’re done.” He scribbled something down before handing me the clipboard, locking eyes with me only briefly, but it was enough to make my stomach flutter.

Without another word he turned away, leaving me wanting and restless. I watched him go as he hopped the ramp easily with long legs and as he stalked past me I shrunk again. 

“Papa’s home and he’s got a brand new fuckin’ bag! So tonight, dinner’s on me!” He lifted his arms and announced to anyone within earshot. The community cheered him off as he nobly departed. Meanwhile, I eagerly read his note.

_Dinner. Your room._

I lit up and played off my love-struck grin as gratitude as I joined in their applause.

***

When I was done I practically skipped back to my room, buzzing with anticipation. As I made my way down my hall I smelled something robust in the air and my stomach growled. The scent became stronger as I reached my threshold and I shook my head in surprise. Was Negan cooking? I opened my door and gawked in disbelief to find he was doing just that while listening to Otis Redding no less. 

The second our eyes met I ran to him, leaping into a kiss that made my knees weak, so he wrapped them around his waist instead. As his hands gripped my ass I hummed between his lips, already tempted to rip away his white cotton shirt. My hands were quickly making their way down but Negan surprisingly forced himself away, grunting deeply with resistance.

“Trust me. I am going to fuck the ever living shit out of you tonight. -But I’ve been slaving over your shitty little hot plate over here for too fuckin’ long to fuck it up now.” He turned away to stir.  
“Well I’ll be. Negan can cook?” I laughed.  
“I only cook one thing.” He offered me a spoonful of spaghetti sauce.  
“The canned stuff doesn’t count.” I teased.  
“Fuck you. This shit is made from scratch.” He watched my mouth hungrily as I blew on it before having a taste.  
“Mmm…” I licked my lips and he chuckled smugly. “It needs salt.” I teased again.

Negan served us each a plate and placed them properly at my humble dining room table. He even went so far as to light a candle before retrieving two coffee mugs from my cabinets and snatching up a bottle of homemade wine. When he was done, he took my hand and like a gentleman he pulled out my chair for me. It was the strangest and most endearing gesture of all, because in that moment I realized Negan and I were on our first ever, real-life date. I never thought it was possible. -But then the impossible happened. He opened up to me about his past.

“This shit tastes like what they used to serve in church, but it’ll do.” He poured us each a glass of red wine.  
“ _You_ went to church?” I lifted my brow.  
“Not willingly. I’m a Catholic school drop out.” He said.  
“Bullshit.” I glared skeptically.  
“Glory be to the father, and to the son, and to the holy spirit,” He habitually made the sign of the cross before bringing prayer hands to his lips. “As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end.” His devilish grin seemed to emphasize the irony as he lifted his glass for a toast.  
“That is absolutely terrifying.” I blinked slowly before clinking our glasses.  
“A-fuckin-men.” He winked.

A week without a real meal had left both of us ravenous and Negan’s spaghetti was absolutely delicious. It did well to distract us at first, but as the hunger subsided and quiet settled over the room, a sort of apprehension filled the air between us. Now it really did feel like a first date. -But I was at a loss for words despite the hundreds of questions running through my mind. I was afraid to ask too much for fear of him pushing away, but as the silence drew on I was afraid my window would close. I figured I might as well get what I could while it lasted. So after a long chug of church wine, I carried on.

“So, did you drop out of Catholic school or did they kick you out?” I asked in good humor.  
“I was kicked out twice before. The first time was for fighting. The second time was for fucking. Then the third time I said ‘fuck it’ and took the wine with me when I left.” He said.  
“Wow. You’re like the literal antichrist.” I joked and he laughed. “So, where were your parents during all of this?” I risked.  
“I wouldn’t know. I was born into foster care and brought up in group homes. -Actually, a couple of them were really just coke dens.” He said bluntly and he smirked as my eyes widened with shock. “Are you really that surprised? Why else do you think I’m so god damn good at my job?” He asked.

My heart plummeted. It was no wonder why the world’s end had been such a breeze to him. Or why allowing himself to trust anyone could be so hard. From the moment he was born, he had never been given a reason to. Suddenly my mind pictured him as a child, lost and deserted. As my brows furrowed with sympathy and the want to embrace him Negan rolled his eyes and began gathering our empty plates. It was clear he didn’t need or want my pity. So I joined him at the sink and helped with the dishes instead.

“Did you go to church?” He asked.  
“Every Sunday. We’d sing a few hymns, say a couple prayers, and leave with false hope that my dad wouldn’t wake up, get drunk and do it all over again.” I paused as I drifted into my memories. “Sundays were nice though because he was sober just long enough to remind us of the man he used to be.” I admitted.  
“What was he like?” Negan asked.  
“I don’t know. A normal guy I guess. My mom loved him though. He’d beg for her forgiveness, flirt with her, and nag her to dance with him to their old love songs. She fought him as best as she could but she always caved in the end.” I said.  
“What about you?” He asked.  
“I was just a kid. I didn’t know any better. I just clung to whatever I could get. -Like, he used to draw me these little pictures and leave them in my school lunch. Half the time he forgot, so it was always a surprise.” I smiled briefly. “-But that all ended when I reached my teens. My mom died, my brother moved out, and he started beating me instead.” I put the last dish away. “-Anyway, it doesn’t matter. He’s dead now.” I shrugged off the pain as I always had.  
“How’d he die?” Negan asked.  
“I killed him.” I confessed out loud for the first time but Negan smirked like he already knew.  
“I mean, how’d you do it?” He asked.  
“I shot him and let the walkers take care of the rest.” I said. Negan searched my eyes for a moment, for what I wasn’t sure. Then he straightened upright from the counter and poured the last of the wine.  
“Okay kid, let’s have a final toast.” He said.  
“To what?” I asked.  
“To daddy issues.” He grinned as he lifted his coffee mug.  
“And crack dens.” I clinked our cups and we laughed.

When I pulled my sip away a bit of wine dribbled off my lip. Negan’s eyes deepened as he brushed it away with his thumb before pulling me into a fervent kiss. I felt dizzy when his hands reached under my shirt and lingered on my hips, but I lusted more. More than I’d ever had. I wanted to feel the brunt of his revenge for every transgression he’d endured. I wanted to absolve his sins and the sins of every person who’d hurt him. Perhaps it was all in the hopes of absolving myself.

“I have one more surprise for you.” He whispered deeply in my ear and I shivered. “Take off your clothes and sit down on the bed.” He smacked my ass into motion.

Of course, I didn’t question it as I stripped myself down eagerly. Meanwhile, Negan retrieved a simple white gift bag, clasped his hands behind his back and waited patiently as he watched me. When I was done I blushed as he continued staring, building the anticipation between us. My heart began to race when he finally sauntered toward me, closing the space between us. He brought me to my feet and turned my back to him before he began. I peeked over my shoulder to see him retrieve a bundle of rope and my skin began to tingle.

“Hold this for me.” He spoke into my ear, holding the bag before me, but as I reached for it he smacked my hand away. “With your teeth.” He specified.

Negan watched me closely with his own mouth slightly ajar, tempted by the sight of my tongue, before I clenched my teeth. His hands moved slowly down my arms before he brought them together behind my back. He slowly unraveled the rope and began binding me at the wrists.

“The safe word is ‘Denver’.” He said and I giggled at his reference despite the bag still hanging from my teeth. “Say it. So I know you understand.” He said, taking the bag from my mouth to retrieve another bundle of rope.  
“Denver.” I said.  
“Good girl.” He said.

I felt a flutter inside as his arms reached around me from behind and he began wrapping the rope around my ribs and upper arms. When he was done, he took a moment to admire his handy work, circling around me slowly and deliberately, tugging the ropes to make sure they were secure. I became short of breathe, spinning in a mixture of arousal and nervousness as my skin flushed. I was entirely restrained and defenseless to his will. He laughed inwardly at the timidness in my eyes before he ran his fingers down my body and lingered where he pleased.

“Damn.” He sighed as he pulled away again. “If that’s not the sweetest fuckin’ gift I’ve ever laid eyes on. How does it feel to be all wrapped up?” He asked.  
“Scary.” I admitted, but I wanted him to touch me.  
“Does it hurt?” He asked.  
“A little.” I said.  
“Good. It’s supposed to. Have a seat.” He said and I gasped as he shoved me down on the bed. He reached into his pocket to retrieve his leather glove and twisted it before bringing it to my lips. “You wanna play a game?” He asked.  
“Mhmm…” I hummed as he shoved it between my teeth.  
“Say yes sir.” He smirked mischievously.  
“Yes sir.” I struggled.  
“That’s a good girl.” As he spoke he removed his belt and looped it in his fist. “Now we both know how you are when it comes to following rules, so I’m gonna keep it real fuckin’ simple. There is only one rule in this game. No matter what I do, no matter what I ask, I want you to keep that fuckin’ glove in your mouth. And if you drop it? I will punish the shit outta you. Got it?” He finished.  
“Yes sir.” I muttered.  
“Spread em’.” He motioned to my thighs and I shamefully looked away as I obeyed. “Nope. Look at me.” He said and I turned back to him blushing.

Negan laughed inwardly to find I was already wet and he squatted down to blatantly stare between my legs. He started lightly, tapping the cool leather of his belt on my exposed clit. My knees started to shake as he continued harder and harder until it stung me. I whimpered before he stopped and brushed me gently with his fingers, but when he dove them into me I groaned.

“Oh my dirty girl. You’re doing such a good fuckin’ job. Why don’t you treat yourself to a taste?” He said, lifting his glistening wet fingers. “Go ahead. Try it.” He insisted, so I dropped the glove and wrapped my lips hungrily around them instead and Negan laughed darkly.  
“You idiot. How can you have a taste if I told you to leave the god damn glove in your mouth?” He asked as he slapped my cheek.

Before I could argue his unfair play, he shoved the glove back into my mouth and whipped his belt harshly across both of my thighs. I doubled over chomping down and groaning as my tender skin reddened. I gasped when Negan suddenly flipped me onto my knees and draped me over the edge of the bed. Though I couldn’t see them, I could feel his eyes burning into me.

“My god I love that sweet ass! Hot damn!” He praised as he spanked me. “You ever try anal?” He asked and I suddenly spit out the glove.  
“Denver.” I said sternly and he laughed.  
“I’m only fuckin’ with you, sweet peach! Damn, you are making this too fuckin’ easy for me!” He said before whipping me hard with his belt until I cried out in exquisite pain. “Now put that shit back in your mouth like I told you!” He gripped my hair and yanked me over to retrieve the glove with my own lips. “You got it?” He shook me.  
“Yes sir…” I whined.

Then suddenly he took my breath away as he slipped his hard cock inside me without warning. I moaned and gritted my teeth as he began thrusting into me so hard the bed shifted. He took hold of the ropes around my chest and ribs and pulled them, driving himself even deeper before he used them to lift me upright. Then he stopped and reached down to caress my clit and I quivered all over as he spoke in my ear while his cock continued to throb as it rested inside me.

“Do you want to come?” He asked and that alone made my heart leap and brought me to the edge.  
“Yes sir! Pl..ease!” I muffled.  
“Yeah? Are you sorry about our little quarrel then?” He asked and I nodded.  
“Yes…” I admitted and he waved his hand as if I wasn’t finished. “S-sir. Yes sir.” I revised.  
“Then say, ‘I love you, Negan. I’m sorry’.” He carried on.  
“I l-love you Negan… I’m s-sorry.” I struggled.  
“Oh I love you too baby girl…” He said.

His deep voice vibrated me as he kissed just beneath my ear. He wrapped his long fingers around my neck and pressed my body firmly against his as he began thrusting again. Meanwhile, I was writhing in his arms ready to burst.

“You can come on three. Ready?” He asked.  
“God! Yes sir!” I groaned.  
“One…” He tightened his hand around my throat. “Two…” He reached down to stroke my clit and drew out every millisecond before he finally said, “Three.” 

Negan suddenly yanked the glove from my mouth just in time to hear my crying out in ecstasy. My body trembled all over as I melted and dripped in his arms and only a moment later he shoved me onto my knees. He gripped my chin and his pupils widened before as released into my open mouth.

“Swallow it and say, ‘thank you’.” He panted.  
“Thank you…” I gulped.

Then he very gently lifted me into his arms and carried me back to the bed. He quickly untied the ropes and tossed them aside as he kissed my skin now raw from the friction and tension. The moment I was free I embraced him and he wrapped his long arms around me. I remained that way until we fell asleep and the nightmares that had haunted me while Negan was gone never came.

***

The following morning I woke feeling dizzy and dry. I sat up weak and disoriented as I squinted around the room. The daylight pierced my eyes and my head pounded. It had been so long since I’d had wine that it seemed it didn’t sit well with me anymore. Then suddenly I felt an intense wave of nausea. I fumbled out of bed and rushed to my kitchenette where I purged into the sink. I gripped my face feeling mortified at first, but when I turned I realized Negan was already gone. -But he’d left a note on the table and it brought color back to my cheeks.

_Sorry to leave. Had to get an early start. There’s lots to wrap up after the trip. -Speaking of which, thanks for a good time. 51 is off to a good start._

Today was Negan’s birthday. As I took a moment to ponder the date my excitement quickly turned to panic. I suddenly realized, I was a week late.


	26. Withholding

“Shit… _Shit!_ ” I paced my room frantically as my mind and body raced.

How could I be pregnant? I couldn’t be pregnant. I was on birth control. Had I missed a pill? Could you get pregnant if you missed just one? Had I missed more than one? The doubts and questions flooded over me as I rushed to my drawers and with shaking hands, I retrieved my sleeve of pills. I counted them twice and I hadn’t missed a single one. -But they had expired.

“Fuck!” I paled.

_How_ could I be pregnant? I _couldn’t_ be pregnant. I took a moment to catch my breath and tried desperately to calm my mind but my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I needed a pregnancy test, but I couldn’t go to the vendors. The rumors would spread like wildfire. I could take one from the infirmary, but what if Dr. Carson told Negan? Then suddenly my shifting eyes came to rest on my handgun and I was struck with an idea. 

If there was one thing that Negan taught me, it was that people were quite easy to persuade if you scared them enough and Dr. Carson was a coward. So I decided I would force him into secrecy with an ultimatum. Though it was a rash decision, I quickly dressed, snatched up my gun and stormed out my door before I could lose my nerve.

***

I burst into the infirmary with such reckless abandon that Dr. Carson startled from his seat. The second I realized we were alone I turned and locked the door behind me. Then I drew my handgun and held it readily at my side as I headed straight for the supply closet. Dr. Bran and I used to keep them on the second shelf next to the fluid bags, but it seemed Dr. Carson had reorganized. I sighed irritably.

“Where are the pregnancy tests?” I came out pointing my gun.  
“W-what?” He lifted his hands defensively and trembled as he shielded himself behind Dr. Bran’s old desk.  
“Where are the pregnancy tests?” I repeated through clenched teeth.  
“Here! They’re here!” He rushed to a cabinet to retrieve them.

He anxiously set a box on the far end of the desk and backed away, lifting his hands once more as I stalked over and snatched it up. I kept my gun pointed as I read the label then rolled my eyes impatiently.

“This is just one. I want two.” I had to be thorough.

Again, Dr. Carson scurried to the cabinet to fetch another and again he set it on the table. I quickly took it and slipped them in my back pocket before aiming between his eyes. 

“If you speak a word of this to anyone, I swear on my possibly unborn child that I will come for you and I will kill you. Do you understand?” I threatened.  
“Yes! Yes, I won’t say a word.” He nodded and shook as beads of sweat gathered on his long, paling face.  
“If I ever find out otherwise you are going to wish it was just Negan coming for your head.” I said.  
“You won’t! I swear!” He insisted.

We stood there in silence, my expression seething with menace. For a moment I considered just putting him down but if I did I’d have to explain myself. Then suddenly someone tried to enter the infirmary, roughly jostling the door. We both froze as our eyes widened. I slowly lowered my gun and shot him a final look of warning before a pounding knock startled us again. After putting away my gun I opened it to find Simon angrily waiting with a worn and beaten prisoner at his side.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I tensed.  
“What the fuck does it look like? Why was the door locked?” He scowled.  
“For privacy obviously.” I rolled my eyes.  
“From what?” Simon asked skeptically.   
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I came for an exam.” I lied.  
“Well try again some other time. I’ve got shit to do.” Simon shoved past me and I glared before making an escape.

My body was still buzzing with panic and uncertainty as I made my way back to my room. I wondered if I should take the test immediately or wait until the morning. I heard it worked best first thing in the morning. What if by some cruel joke it came out positive? I couldn’t be pregnant. What would I do? I didn’t know the first thing about babies. I was more terrified by the idea of babies than I was of the walkers. I had no idea what to expect. 

As I turned the corner, I certainly hadn’t expected to run into Negan, but I did. Literally. -And he was accompanied by David no less. Was the universe slowly trying to kill me? My stomach plummeted and I nearly shrieked but I managed to stifle it into a whimper instead. Negan laughed as he gripped my waist to steady me.

“Well, happy fuckin’ birthday to _me._ ” He beamed as his hand lingered too close to my back pocket.

I pulled away putting a very safe distance between the three of us before I stole a glance at David. I couldn’t read the expression on his face, but he didn’t seem perturbed at all by the situation. In fact, he was oddly indifferent. What had Negan done to him in the past week? -Or maybe it was my own doing. I turned back to Negan for fear of my gaze lingering too long. He appeared amused by the sheer awkwardness of it all.

“Whatcha doin'?” He asked.  
“I- I was just…” I pointed awkwardly behind me. “In the infirmary. -Just my yearly physical.” I fumbled.  
“Dr. Bran updated your physical a couple of months before he died.” David cut in matter-of-factly.

My jaw dropped as I turned to him but his expression remained so eerily still and neutral that it was almost robotic. He hadn’t so much as batted an eye. I felt betrayed like he’d thrown me under the bus, but I deserved it. Why would he lie for me? It was clear we both belonged to Negan now.

“It is creepy as shit that you know that.” Negan noted. “-But that is also a very interesting point. So now I _really_ wanna know.…” He licked his teeth as he leaned into me with narrowed eyes. “What are you really up to?” He asked deeply.

My head began pounding as I searched for another alibi but suddenly I recalled Negan saying I was a terrible liar. A lump began to form in my throat and my breath caught. I was on the verge of throwing in the burp cloth when Negan’s demeanor suddenly switched.

“Fine! I get it! It’s my birthday and you don’t want to spoil the surprise.” He laughed and I exhaled heavily, but it did nothing to expel the guilt that came over me. “Listen I’ve got some business to attend to with my buddy ‘D’ here, but I’ll be by later to open my gift.” He insinuated as he leaned his arm on the wall above me and hooked a finger in my belt loop. I felt my face redden as I glanced shamefully at David but he didn’t seem the least bit fazed by Negan’s flaunting.  
“Okay, I’m just gonna…” I squeezed and ducked out from beneath him but as I turned to leave he slapped my ass. “Cut it out!” I hissed and stormed off with what little dignity I had left.  
“Damn I love to watch her leave! Mm!” He laughed as he took the rest.

***

I headed straight for the restrooms and hovered over the toilet with the test ready in position, but I couldn’t pee. My body was defying me. Even when I finally managed to go, my hand involuntarily recoiled and I clutched the strip in my trembling fist. I was too frightened to face it. I told myself it would be better to wait until after Negan’s birthday.

Instead, I made my way to the vendors to find a birthday gift for Negan but I struggled with the proverbial question. What do you give the man that has everything? _-Everything except a baby._ I irritably shook my head of the afterthought but it was hanging over me like an axe pendulum. Why was I torturing myself? I could never keep anything from Negan even on a good day. How the hell was I going to face him tonight? 

The bonus loot was scarce, and in the end, I settled for an old VHS tape of the ‘The Outsiders’. Something about it made me think of Negan. Perhaps because he looked like he could have been plucked from the cover. -But the book was so much better. I sighed thinking it was a lousy birthday gift but maybe a movie was the perfect tactic to avoid too much conversation.

Afterwards, I headed to the kitchens to bake a strawberry cake from scratch. I hadn’t baked in years, but I’d always enjoyed it. I found it therapeutic. So I took my time and with great care I measured, sifted, and poured the ingredients into three small tiers. When the cake finally cooled I layered and topped it with a fluffy white icing and even garnished it with a few fresh berries.

***

That evening I sat on my floor wrapping the VHS neatly in parchment paper before tying it with a red ribbon. I gently tugged and shaped the loops into a perfect bow and set it beside the cake in an attempt to dress up an otherwise dull gift. Only a moment later, Negan came knocking.

I took a deep breath and gathered myself before I answered and just as I opened the door I was surprised by a sudden burst of light followed by a noisy buzzing. I blinked through blue and green spots until my vision cleared to find Negan grinning mischievously as he shook a polaroid between his long fingers.

“You know, you’re not actually supposed to shake it.” I said as I tried to snatch the candid photo, but he dangled it just out of my reach.  
“What’s the fun in that?” He chuckled, tucking it safely in his chest pocket.

Then in a swift motion, he took me in his arms as he booted the door closed behind him. The second his lips pressed to mine I sighed as the knots in my stomach turned to butterflies. He always took my breath away, but it was short lived when his hand slipped into the front of my shorts.

“Don’t you want to open your present first?” I timidly pulled away, leaving him reaching out for me.  
“I’m fuckin’ trying to.” He pulled me back and wrapped his long arm around me from behind as he whispered in my ear. “Let me take off your clothes.”

I couldn’t resist a blush and a grin as he kissed my neck and tickled me with his beard. I was giggling when suddenly I heard another click and buzz from his camera. This time I snatched the photo myself before he could get his hands on it. As the picture slowly developed I examined it to find he had captured a rather endearing moment. Negan, of course, looked dark and devastatingly sexy. I was glowing. I carefully propped the polaroid on my nightstand before I took Negan’s hand and led him to my dining table.

“Well look at you ‘Little Suzy Homemaker’! Did you bake that cake all by yourself?” He pinched my hip.  
“I’m definitely not a homemaker,” I said, my tone was almost too defensive as I shied away from his touch. “-But my mother was and I guess I just picked up a few tricks along the way.” I shrugged and handed him his gift.   
“You shouldn’t have.” He winked.  
“It’s just something small.” I noted and watched apprehensively as he ripped the parchment paper away.  
“Well I’ll be damned…” He mumbled as he stared down at the VHS with a distant gaze.  
“Is it that bad?” I winced.  
“No.” He shook his head. “No, I shit you not, this was actually my favorite book growing up. I must’ve read it a dozen fuckin’ times. I’ve never seen the movie.” He pulled me into a kiss and pressed his forehead to mine. “Thank you.” He said sincerely and I beamed.

***

We were halfway through the movie and I was halfway through my second slice of cake when Negan sweetly rested his head in my lap. As his beard innocently grazed my thigh I felt shy and a tingling feeling rushed through me. It wasn’t that we never cuddled, but it was rare to see him this permissive and gentle. -Especially in my bed. It still felt new to me.

Negan remained enthralled with the movie and as he looked down at my old boxy television I admired his long, dark eyelashes. He appeared so soft in that moment. I gently ran my fingers through his dark slick hair and I felt him sink deeper into me as he hugged my legs. 

“God, I love your fuckin’ legs.” He kissed them repeatedly as he moved up my thigh.  
“Negan, you’re gonna make me drop the cake!” I squealed and squirmed away.  
“Don’t be so fuckin’ stingy.” He said, so I fed him a bite. My eyes were drawn to the way he licked his lips before he grinned darkly. He was so hard to resist. “I wasn’t talking about the cake.” He said.  
“-But what about the movie?” I resisted coyly.  
“I already know how it ends.” He said as he snatched the last bite of cake with his hand and rolled over on top of me. He watched my mouth closely as he fed it to me and I flushed. “Now clean up your mess.” His voice vibrated softly as he lifted his frosted fingers to my lips.

I gulped nervously before I fell for temptation and began licking them clean. Before I knew it I was entrapped in a kiss as he pressed me into the bed and pinned my hands overhead. I began panting as he reached into my shirt and squeezed my breasts. I trembled when he ran his fingertips over my tense tummy and sunk them into my shorts. As his hand pressed between my hips I recoiled from the pressure and anxiety suddenly kicked in.

“Negan, I can’t do this… I can’t breathe!” I shoved away from him.  
“Alright.” He suddenly stood and growled as he ran a hand down his face. “You’ve been runnin' from me all fuckin’ day. What the fuck’s goin’ on?” He demanded.  
“Nothing. I’m just- I’m hot. I need… air.” I struggled to find an answer. Negan easily reached the windows and shoved them open before he turned back to me.  
“Okay. Now what?” He raised his arms and brows.   
“Nothing.” I shook my head.   
“Lucille, you’re a terrible liar. Alright? You’re fuckin’ bad at it. So why don’t you just fuckin’ spare us both and just fuckin’ quit fuckin’ doin’ it?” He pushed and I gripped my head as a migraine came over me.  
“I'm just not in the mood tonight, Negan!" Technically it wasn't a lie. It was more like a half-truth and though I could tell he wasn't satisfied with my answer, Negan accepted it.  
"Fuck it." He threw his hands up and turned to leave.  
"No, don't go. Can't we just finish the movie?” I tried.  
“Fuck the fuckin’ movie. The book was better anyway.” He gathered his things.  
“Negan, wait! Don’t leave like this… Come on, not on your birthday.” I clutched my arms around his stiff torso.  
“Lucille I was born a fuckin’ orphan. I could give a rats ass about my fuckin’ birthday.” He said bluntly and it felt like he’d plunged a knife in my chest. I instinctively knitted my brow feeling a deep sadness for him, but he stopped me. “Don’t fuckin' look at me like that. I hate that. -Especially coming from you.” He pointed.  
“I’m sorry. Please, just stay.” I buried my expression in his chest and wrapped my arms around his neck.  
“No. It’s getting late anyway. I gotta drop by and visit your old friend Simon. See if he’s broken in that mute mother fucker yet.” He referred to Clark.  
“Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked.  
“Oh, trust me, I’ll be comin’ for you.” He said with a bit of menace in his tone.  
“I’m sorry okay… I love you.” I whispered and he finally softened as he tugged my pouting lip.  
“Yeah, I love you too asshole. Get some rest.” He left.

***

I could hear the clock on my nightstand ticking as dawn came creeping through my windows. The sky was a deep shade of blue and you could sense that the sun would break at any moment. Until then I laid in bed holding my bladder and counting the seconds down. I was in a sort of trance when suddenly a distinct chirp loudly broke the silence. It jolted me like an alarm.

“You again…” I sighed at the black bird with a crimson chest. What the hell kind of bird was that anyway?

I snatched up a pregnancy test and drug myself down to the restrooms. As day broke through the windows of the Sanctuary it cast long shadows that seemed to hang sleepily from floor to ceiling, but they would rise soon. I didn’t have much time before the community woke. So I trudged myself forward like a prisoner on death row. I continued all the way to the furthest stall in the furthest corner. I hovered behind the stall door gripping the test with shaking hands and I went. I closed my eyes as I counted out the final two minutes for the test to process. Then I faced my sentence.

“Pregnant” it read and I wept.


	27. Freedom of Choice

Once upon a post-apocalyptic time, in a castle called The Sanctuary, two homicidal maniacs fell in love, and had a baby… 

I could only imagine the horror stories that would take place in this demented fairytale. It would most certainly not end with a ‘happily ever after’. Our world was too dangerous. The dead hungrily roamed outside our walls and the living that lurked within them were riddled with ghosts. Then there was the king that ruled them all with a cruel and heavy fist. Negan had the power to carry the world on his shoulders, but could he bear the weight of a child? Or more importantly, could _I?_

There was only one other option. It was a subject I never thought I’d have to revisit in this lifetime. A single word that was burned painfully in my mind in bright, bold, red letters. ‘Abortion’. As the world lay literally dying at my feet and new life was steadily growing inside me, it seemed the debate was heavier than ever.

***

It had been a week and with each passing day, the symptoms got worse. It seemed ‘morning sickness’ was a very loose term. Sometimes just the smell of the kitchens preparing food made me gag, so I spent most of my time outdoors. 

For the next few days, I’d strategically assigned myself to guard the south tower. It was as far as I could get from the Sanctuary. It was safe. It was quiet. I could think clearly here. While the warmth of the early summer sun soothed my tense muscles and brain, the restless nights caught up with me. I was just drifting off for a quick cat nap when my transceiver scratched and startled me awake again.

“Little Bird, what is your location?” Negan’s deep voice called, but I ignored him. “Little Bird… Do not make me have to come find you.” I could hear the darkness in his tone and so could anyone else over the radio.  
“South tower.” I quickly answered.  
“Come to my office.” He summoned me.

I didn’t want to go. I had to. After turning down Negan’s advances a second time, I’d hurt his pride. He hadn’t come looking for me in days. I had missed him of course, but I also feared him. He knew I was keeping more than sex from him, and idle hands were the devil’s workshop. Every time I faced him it felt like a game of Russian roulette. I had to take a deep breath and prepare myself before I reached for the door.

When I entered I found Negan seated comfortably on the couch. He had ‘Lucille’ draped across his long legs as he wiped and polished her like new. As he ran the rag over her barbed wire surface, he nicked his thumb and hissed. I couldn’t deny myself a moment to savor the way his lips wrapped around his fresh cut. It made me lick my lips.

“She’s a little snarky that ‘Lucille’.” I joked coyly.  
“And that’s not all.” Negan said as he glanced up from his bat. He was rather serious at first, but as he looked me up and down he couldn’t resist a smirk. “Well look at _you_ bathing beauty. The sun must be fuckin’ nice up there. You are glowing!” He laughed to himself. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to imply something, but the way he glanced up from his glass of whiskey made me weak.  
“Oh, thanks… I tan easy…” I attempted to play casual and unbothered, but Negan was watching me as I shifted nervously.  
“You seem tense. Have a drink.” He suggested, waving his hand at the seat across from him. He’d already prepared a whiskey neat for me as well.  
“No thanks, I’m fine.” I refused politely.  
“I said, have a drink.” He said more firmly.  
“And I said no thank you.” I replied more firmly.  
“Sit. Down.” He growled through his teeth.

It was clear he was testing me. I rigidly took a seat but I couldn’t look at him. The way his eyes burrowed into my every reaction felt invasive. As he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees to inspect me even closer, I viscerally shrunk away and wrapped my arms around my chest. There was no hiding it anymore. He knew. Of course he knew. He just wanted to hear me say it.

“Since you wanna be all business these days, then maybe it’s time we got down to fuckin’ business.” He shot the rest of his whiskey and slammed the empty glass down. “While you’ve been fuckin off and catchin’ rays on the south tower, I couldn’t help but notice you haven’t really been keeping up with the inventory. Now you know how I feel about that. I could have cracked my whip on that sweet ass and trust me, I really, _really_ fuckin’ wanted to, but I didn’t. You wanna know why Lucille? Because I’m a fuckin’ stand-up guy-“  
“Bullshit, Negan! Don’t talk to me like I’m one of your goons-“ I started.  
“Fuck _no!_ ” He lifted his bat to silence me. “You swallow your fuckin’ pride and you bite your fuckin’ tongue. You are going to listen to every god damn word I have to say and when I’m done? The floor is all fuckin’ yours.” He stood to saunter over to his desk. I watched as he retrieved a stack of papers. “Now, as I was saying… I took it upon myself to do your job for you. -Well _I_ didn’t, Simon did. He sure as shit wasn’t happy doin' it but he did it, and you know what we found? You are gonna love this. It’s a fuckin’ doozy!” He tossed the inventory numbers before me but I turned away shamefully. “No, no, no! Have a fuckin’ look! Tell me what’s missing, Lucille!” He demanded. 

I glanced down briefly to find the infirmary’s numbers and written in the place of two pregnancy tests in red marker he’d written the words, ‘fuck you’. I scoffed as I turned away but my eyes began welling up. Now he was just tormenting me.

“I wanted to be fuckin’ sure before I started pointing the finger because I thought _surely_ you wouldn’t keep something as fuckin’ huge as this from me-“  
“Negan-“ I tried, but he spoke over me.  
“So I spoke with Dr. Carson and after a little elbow grease, he told me that _you_ threatened to kill him if he snitched. -But we all know this is _my_ fuckin’ Sanctuary and no matter how fuckin’ bad ass you think you are, or how big of a pussy Dr. Carson is, I will always find out sooner or later. So now I wanna know, Lucille.” He came so close I could feel the heat of his anger radiating off him. “Is there something you need to fuckin’ tell me?” He drew out the words firmly and I began to shake.  
“Negan, I’m… I’m pregnant.” I confessed and the weight of it all came pouring from my eyes in a stream of tears.  
“And when the fuck were you planning to tell me!?” He shouted.  
“I was going to-” I tried.  
“When!? How the fuck did this even happen!? Have you been taking your pills!?” He yelled over me.  
“They expired!” I cried.  
“When did they fuckin’ expire?” He became rigid.  
“A year ago…” I sighed hopelessly. Then suddenly Negan’s face fell into something far darker and incriminating.  
“So you mean to fuckin’ tell me that might not even be my fuckin’ kid in there?” He pointed to my belly and I froze. 

It felt like Negan had shot me point blank in my gut. I clutched my torso with shaking hands while all at once my heart sank, my breath hitched, and another wave of nausea came pouring over me. My head had been so full of questions that I’d managed to look over a landmark. A landmine of a landmark. _David._

“Oh my… Oh my _god!_ ” I scrambled to his bathroom and spewed up whatever was left in me while Negan spewed out a string of profanities.  
“Goddammit fuckin’ mother fuck!! Fuck!!!” He roared and I heard a loud banging as he kicked something over.  
“Negan…” I panted as I hovered over the toilet.  
“Oh fuckin christ!” He groaned. “I should have killed that fuckin’ fucker goddammit to fuckin’ hell!!!” He went on.  
“Just stop! Negan! Stop!” I shouted until he finally went quiet. “We can’t do this…” I gripped my head.  
“We don’t have a fuckin’ choice, Lucille.” He rolled his eyes.  
“-But we do have a choice.” I said.  
“What- Wait, you mean like an abortion? Oh, fuck you!” He sneered.  
“What’s my other option Negan? You want me to stay locked up in your room raising a child while you’re out bashing people’s heads open all day? This is why I didn’t want to tell you! I need to think without you ridiculing me! I need to make this decision for my fucking self without you jerking me around to get what you want!” I lost my temper.  
“This is my fuckin’ choice too!!” He grabbed my shoulders to the point of pain. “I should have a say in whether or not you kill my fuckin’ kid!” He said harshly and his words stung me. I pried myself from his grip and pushed him away.  
“Then maybe you should ask David for his input too.” I lashed out in an attempt to hurt him back, but he flinched before he frowned in disappointment.  
“Please Lucille, have a little fuckin’ dignity.” He said coldly.

He struck me so deeply I curled into myself and sobbed into my hands. The reality of it, all of it came crashing down on me and my knees began to tremble. It felt like the room was spinning as I clutched my stomach and collapsed.

***

I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke up, but when I sat up I realized I was tucked safely in Negan’s bed. He was gone. I hugged my legs as I looked around his room. It didn’t bring me the same comfort when he wasn’t here. 

I couldn’t blame him for being angry. I couldn’t even blame him for his harsh words. I’d brought it out of him. My temper was too quick these days. It seemed all of my emotions were too quick as a tear ran down my cheek before I could catch it. Then I was startled by a knock on the door.

“Lucille?” I heard Joey call as he stepped inside.

Joey was like a teddy bear. He brought me comfort. Seeing him made me realize just how much I’d missed him and his goofy, cumbersome ways. It was enough to make me cry like a baby.

“Hi…” I whimpered.  
“H-hey it’s okay. It’s just me. I just brought you some dinner.” He nervously set the tray aside and set a comforting hand on my trembling shoulder.  
“I’m not hungry.” I looked away.  
“Sorry but… I’m supposed to make sure you eat something. Negan told me to make sure you had a little.” He said apologetically.  
“Fine…” I sighed in defeat as I snatched up a roll.

My body must have been confused because despite all the nausea I felt, the second I tasted sustenance I became ravenous. I didn’t hesitate to dive into the hardy soup he’d brought as well.

“You know, Lucille, if you ever need anyone to talk to…” Joey tapered off.  
“I know.” I said simply.  
“Whatever’s going on with you and Negan is-“ He started.  
“Complicated.” I stopped him.  
“Yeah, and I know you’re a really private person and I’m not trying to pry into your business. It’s just, I’m worried about you is all.” He admitted.  
“I’m fine.” I said unconvincingly.  
“Seriously, I don’t want to see anything bad happen to you.” He nagged me like a protective big brother and it warmed my heart.  
“Negan would never let anything bad happen to me.” I said and I believed it wholly. “Anyway, I’d sooner do it to myself. I’m like a beacon of bad luck.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Your luck can’t be that bad.” He said.  
“Oh yeah?” I laughed with a challenging tone.  
“Yeah, you’re alive aren’t you?” He asked.  
"Yeah, I guess so." I shrugged.  
"So don't doubt yourself so much. If you've made it this far you can handle anything." He said

Joey may not have always been the best with words, but in that moment, he spoke volumes. I wanted to hug him, but I was afraid I’d start crying again. So instead I smiled. He would make a good uncle.

***

After Joey left I felt more revived and nourished than I had in weeks. I took a long, hot shower to ease my aching back and slipped on one of Negan’s fresh shirts before I browsed his vinyl collection. When Led Zeppelin’s ‘What Is And What Should Never Be’ began to play I felt a little like myself again, but something crucial was missing. Then Negan arrived as if right on cue.

He seemed surprised to see me at first. Maybe he’d expected me to run away again, so I assuredly took a seat on the couch and waited. For a moment air between us was strained like we both wanted to speak, but we couldn’t find the words. Negan sighed as he removed his jacket and set it aside heavily. In that moment he looked every bit his age. He appeared worn and tired beneath all his scruff. I hadn’t considered what a toll this had taken on him.

“Are you gonna be able to keep up with a baby? I mean, you only have a couple good years left on you.” I teased to break the ice and his face softened as he laughed.  
“So you’re gonna keep it?” He asked hopefully.  
“Well… If we've made it this far we can handle anything.” I quoted Joey and Negan's face lit up briefly.  
“Lucille…” He sighed and he surprised me when he kneeled at my feet. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry about before…” He said shamefully and as he buried his face in my lap I ran my fingers through his dark hair.  
“Don’t. It’s okay…” I shook my head as a lump formed in my throat.  
“No, Lucille, it’s not okay. I can’t fuckin’ talk to you like that. I can’t fuckin’ yell at you like that. What kind of fuckin’ asshole treats the mother of his fuckin’ kid like that? -I mean, other than your dad.” He joked insensitively and I began to laugh so hard it nearly brought me to tears. Negan looked relieved by the sound of it.  
“Let’s start with baby steps. Like, you could maybe work on the ‘fucks’ a little. -Or at least, maybe limit them when she’s around.” I suggested.  
“She…?” His eyes drifted down.  
“-I mean, it’s way too early to tell. I just… I had a dream once…” I held my belly as I blushed.  
“Well whatever the little tater is, I hope they have your eyes.” He said sweetly.  
“-But… W-What if…” I cupped my face shamefully as David’s vibrant blues came to mind.  
“No. I don’t give a shit if this kid is the spitting fuckin’ image of that mother fucker. That is _my_ fuckin’ kid. This is mine.” He placed his hands possessively over my belly, but his touch was so careful and soft. It was like he was afraid to break us. “This is my last shot at a real fuckin’ family.” He said as he lowered his head onto his hands.

It was by far the most authentic and prolific thing I’d ever heard come out of Negan’s mouth and I was stunned. I’d witnessed a miracle. He finally surrendered his defenses as he literally bowed before me openly, vulnerably. If I hadn’t been so hormone ridden I might have cracked another joke to lighten the mood, but now all I could do was weep. 

“For fuck sake… Pull it together woman.” Negan sighed as he pulled me into his arms.


	28. Threshold

I stood in my underwear looking in the mirror, turning side to side and rubbing my belly as I searched for a tiny human. I wasn’t showing yet. The pregnancy book I’d been reading said the baby would be sprouting arms and legs by now but had only grown to be the size of a blueberry. I curiously picked through the bowl of fruit I’d prepared for breakfast and retrieved one, then inspected it closely in the morning light. As I rolled the berry between my thumb and index finger I wondered how something so tiny could hold my very existence in its hands. -If it had hands, I thought as I popped it in my mouth and returned to my book. 

A moment later, Negan came strolling into my room in his usual charismatic fashion. He came to an abrupt halt at the sight of me in my underwear and took a long moment to drink me in. It had been two weeks since Negan and I had sex and now that the secret was out, I didn’t have to run from him anymore. Between my spiking hormones and his deep, dark and rugged everything my body was craving him. Just the low, rumbling sound of his voice was enough to make me quiver.

“Fuuuckin’ hell…” He drawled deeply and I blushed.

My body became electrified as he circled me for a better look and slinked up from behind to wrap his arms around my waist. My skin prickled all over as he kissed my neck and inhaled the scent of my hair. His rough hands ran softly down my tummy but just as the tips of his long fingers reached the trim of my panties he stopped.

“That’s not all you’re gonna eat is it?” He pointed over to my half-eaten bowl of fruit.  
“I’m working on it.” I shrugged it off.  
“Finish it.” He pulled away.  
“I’ll finish it later.” I tried.  
“You’ll finish it now.” He corrected me as he patiently took a seat at my dining table.

I stared him down as I deliberately disobeyed him and propped my ass on the edge of the table in an attempt to entice him instead. Negan glanced down and though his eyes deepened and his hands twitched with the urge to touch me, he didn’t. So I took to more desperate, far raunchier measures and knelt at his feet while pleading with big green eyes. 

“Please Negan… Fuck me.” I begged and he drew out a laugh that vibrated deeply in his throat.

He leaned down to meet my gaze, bringing his face so close to mine I could almost taste him. I was sure at any moment he would give in and snatch me up. My heart was skipping just thinking about it.

“Oh, I’d like that very fuckin’ much.” He said softly as he lifted my chin and savored the desperate look on my face. “-But first, you need to finish your breakfast.” He set my bowl on the floor before me.

I rolled my eyes having lost enough of my dignity for one morning and I refused to eat like a dog. Negan grinned as I snatched up my breakfast and took a seat across from him only to pout into my bowl. He obstinately waited for me to take a bite so I complied, but I did so coyly and seductively. He licked his lips as he watched my mouth closely before he stood to pace and avoid the distraction. Meanwhile, the sight of the long, thick bulge in his pants did well to distract me.

“My dear, sweet Lucille…” 

He started and sighed as he reached into his pants to adjust himself. I had to resist lunging for him. Instead, I began scarfing down my breakfast thinking the sooner I finished, the sooner he would stop talking and just fuck me already. 

“These past few weeks you have been a _major_ pain in my ass. Worse than ever. -Well, maybe not _ever_. That’s a pretty fuckin’ bold statement. -But I swear, it has taken every bit of my fuckin’ willpower not to punish the ever living hell outta you lately and now…” 

He stopped and towered above me so closely I could smell him. As tall as he was his hardened cock was bulging right before my eyes. I could see the distinct outline of it and I grew hot between my legs. I eagerly reached for it, but he leaned away from my touch.

“Patience baby, you are going to make it all up to me soon enough. The thing is, we can’t play rough like we used to. Well, we can and you bet your fuckin’ ass I fuckin’ will, but first, we need to reestablish the limits.” As I gulped down my last bite, Negan quickly yanked me from my seat. “Thank you for finishing your breakfast.” He said before he pulled me into a kiss that set my insides on fire. 

I moaned as his tongue stroked mine and he nipped my bottom lip with sharp teeth. I was dripping for him before he finally pulled away again. When he peered down at me with wild and darkened eyes I began to feel shy and I blushed. He reached into his pocket to retrieve a handkerchief that he wrapped securely around my eyes like a blindfold. It made me nervous and short of breath as I wondered how long he’d been planning this game and what kind of mischief he had in store. When I heard the jingling of his belt buckle my heart began to race.

“There’s a bunch of crazy shit goin’ on inside you right now and you might find your threshold for pain is a little different these days. I am going to find that threshold.” He said in a tone that was bordering on a threat and I heard the distinct sound of leather creaking in his fist. “-But I only want to hurt you as much as you want me to. So I need you to be honest with me, Lucille. If it hurts too much I want you to tell me and I will stop. Do you understand?” He asked firmly and I shivered as he stroked my cheek.  
“Yes sir.” I breathed.  
“Good girl.” He tugged my lower lip gently. “Hold out your right hand. Palm up.” He directed.

Though I did what I was told I felt anxious. Not being able to see him, only being able to hear him made him that much more dangerous. I meant it when I said I knew he wouldn’t hurt me, but that certainly didn’t mean he wouldn’t make the best of this situation. The moment I felt something brush across my palm I laughed nervously and skittishly pulled away.

“Hold still. Remember, _you_ are the one in control. I’m just a guy with a belt and a fuckin’ killer boner.” He said and I laughed.  
“Okay.” I stifled my giggles and fidgeted before lifting my palm again.  
“Tell me when to stop.” He repeated and I took a deep breath as I nodded.

He began tapping the end of his belt across my palm steadily striking with more force until it began to hurt. I heard a loud snap before it stung enough for me to recoil and pull away. My hand tingled in its wake and the sensation radiated all over.

“Stop.” I said and he did so immediately.

Negan kissed my palm gently and softly, twice before I heard his heavy boots circle around me. He very suddenly whipped my ass and though it didn’t hurt I gasped in surprise before I giggled again. I heard the faint sound of his subdued laughter and it was clear he was enjoying himself as well. He carried on with more force than he had on my hand. As each swat grew louder my heart leapt and the stinging radiated deeper inside me until my clit throbbed. Just before I felt my knees might buckle I stopped him.

“Stop!” I panted and I heard his deep inward chuckle as he cupped and caressed my sore cheeks.  
“Damn, your ass can take a beating.” He spoke into my ear and his warm breath made me even wetter.  
“You trained me good Daddy.” I smirked as I bit my lip.  
“Mmm… Careful darlin’, you know what it does to me when you call me that.” He said.  
“It’s not weird?” I couldn’t help but ask.  
“Don’t _make_ it weird.” He scoffed.  
“It’s kinda weird though right?” I shrugged.  
“You talk too fuckin’ much.” He sighed.  
“You’re the one doing all the talking- Ah!” I squealed when he spanked me again.

My skin lifted with goosebumps as he ran his fingers up the curve of my low back and up my spine until he reached my shoulders. With slow hands, he scraped his nails down my chest pressing down more firmly as he went. When he reached my tender breasts he tugged away the sheer lacy fabric of my bra to expose them. He squeezed and kneaded them while he pinched my nipples between his fingertips. I moaned as he carried on. The tender aching was quickly overpowered by the pleasant sensation of his touch. My breasts were more sensitive than usual but I liked it.

Negan carried on down my stomach but as he reached the space of my low belly his touch became more gentle than ever. He took great care as he placed his hands over the life inside me and held me that way for a long moment of silence.

“It’s not weird. It feels different. It’s kinda like… nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He said sincerely and a very different, more loving kind of warmth came over me. 

In that moment I truly felt the intensity of how much I loved him and how much he loved me. How much we both loved the life we were creating together. It all sort of fused with our passion in a way that heightened his touch, his smell, the sound of his heartbeat. The sound of my heartbeat. I imagined the sound of ‘Tater’s’ heart as well.

I pulled away the handkerchief from my eyes and turned to face Negan. He looked different. He was vibrant. There was a light in his eyes that I was sure no one else in the world had ever witnessed. A softness that had never even existed in him until this very moment. He was truly happy and so was I. Those sweet moments never did last long.

“Did I tell you, you could take the blindfold off?” He asked as his eyes darkened again.  
“No sir…” I grinned as I bit my lip.  
“Then put it back on” He ordered.

As I tied the handkerchief back in place I heard his zipper. I felt a hard, heavy thump against my low back as his cock sprung free from his pants. His hands lingered and caressed my inner thighs before he used a single finger to stroke and tap the crotch of my panties. My breath quivered as he peeled the delicate fabric away and slicked his finger up and down my slit. He moaned to find I was dripping for him.

“You are just dying for me to fuck you aren’t you?” He asked and I could hear the smugness in his voice but I didn’t care.  
“Mhm! Yes, yes, please!” I nodded and begged.  
“No.” He responded shortly and I audibly whined. “Now squeeze your legs together and hop up on those tiptoes for me.” He said as he popped my ass.

I rested my hands on the table for support and did what I was told. Meanwhile, Negan gripped and spread my ass just enough so he could slip his cock into my panties, but only to stroke between my thighs. The head of his cock teased me as it grazed my clit with every thrust. It was just enough to make me tremble and yearn for more. I watched as his cock sprung in and out from between my thighs and while he moaned with pleasure I became ravenous. I needed more. So I defiantly dropped my heels and tilted my hips and he unexpectedly sunk into my wet pussy. I groaned with satisfaction as he filled me up. Negan grunted in surprise and froze for a moment as he gripped my hips firmly.

“Oh, you sneaky little fucker!” He laughed breathlessly as he spanked me. He hissed as he pulled his length out of me and then took a seat. “Okay, you wanna fuck so bad, then get your ass up here and fuck me.” He demanded before yanking me into his lap. 

I fervently gripped his cock and slipped it back inside. As I bounced my ass in his lap, Negan reached around and stroked my clit and fondled my breasts. I cried out his name and begged him for more as he kissed my back and he began thrusting up into me. Our skin clapped as we pushed harder and faster. Our bodies were wet and glistening with sweat and desire before he finally pinned me up against his chest and groaned into my back.

“Come for me baby.” He huffed.

I did so gladly but to my surprise, my legs gave out entirely. I arched my back and moaned overhead as I trembled and quivered in his arms. Negan came inside of me and clutched me tighter still as he bit down on the skin of my neck. His voice hitched in his throat before he finally released his grip and he came back down again.

The moment my orgasm reached its end, I felt every bit of energy spill out of me. I slouched into Negan’s chest and panted as he kissed my damp skin. He carefully lifted me into his arms and carried me to my bed where he draped me softly before joining my side. We laid there entwined in silence because we needed no words.

-But those sweet moments never did last that long.


	29. Wake Up Call

Rain… 

I loved the way it dripped and drummed on and off the rooftops. The way it gathered and rolled like beads of glass against the windows. Most of all I loved the smell of it. The rich fragrance of wet dirt being washed away from dampened leaves. And yet there was always something so bittersweet about the heavy clouds and the way they cast a hue of gray over the world. It made me feel nostalgic. I suppose that’s what drove me to read Dr. Bran’s letter again. 

I sat on my bed with my legs crossed handling the letter with great care as if it were an artifact of ancient, cryptic text. I ran my index finger lightly over the indentions of his written words like they were braille, in search of answers.

I couldn’t help thinking how much easier this all would be if Doc was still here. Now I could only imagine what he might have said. How he would have reacted. I pictured him vividly in my mind and before long it almost felt like he was standing in the room with me. What would he have thought of me now that I was pregnant with Negan’s child? Would he have judged me?

“No… I know you wouldn’t.” I spoke aloud to him.

Doc would have remained calm. He wouldn’t have lectured or chastised me and he wouldn’t have pushed me. Instead, he would have slowed me down enough to think. He would have gently guided me along and let me find my own path, knowing and believing that in the end, I would choose the right one. 

So now that I was a mother, what was the right path? The world was cruel, dark and riddled with blood. I had spilled so much it myself, but was that the mother I wanted to be? My teary eyes fluttered over Doc’s clean handwriting, searching again for an answer, but it all appeared blurry and smudged until a small bit seemed to leap from the page.

_“-remember what you are capable of.”_

Then suddenly everything came into focus. Maybe it wasn’t too late to turn back. Maybe I didn’t have to be the monster I’d become. If I could create life, then maybe I could save a few to make amends for my sins. In that moment it was clear as ever that Dr. Bran had never left me. He was waiting just where I had left him. In the infirmary.

***

The following morning I didn’t just return to the infirmary, I took over it. Carson was frightened by the sight of me alone, so he didn’t put up a fight when I ordered him to leave. He nearly ran. The second he was gone I began reorganizing the shelves and cabinets back to the way they were. The way Dr. Bran and I had kept them. As I made progress the room began to look more familiar and I began to feel more at home. And yet I still felt homesick because I knew there would always be an emptiness here.

Even though my mind pressed me to continue rearranging, my body couldn’t keep up. I tired so easily these days. I took a moment to rest my aching back and settled into Doc’s chair. For the first time, I even perused his books and chose one at random. I flipped to a random page to find an anatomy chart with his own handwritten notes and scribbles. Oddly enough it made sense to me and as I continued reading I realized just how much Doc had already taught me. I figured the best way to honor him, the best way to honor my child was to keep learning. 

So I read. I read and studied and absorbed every page and every scribble. Though my mind was busy it stayed on track and didn’t wander like I was used to. That was when I realized Doc was there in the pages, guiding me in his own way. This was the path he’d always hoped I’d take and I’d finally found it. The thought drove me further and soon I found myself buried in a stack of books. 

Between my studying and a few minor patients I eventually lost track of time. Negan would be expecting me with the daily inventory numbers soon. I should have radioed him, but I’d forgotten my transceiver. In an attempt to catch up I worked through dinner but it was well after hours when I finally finished my day. I was exhausted by the time I reached Negan’s room and he was there ready to greet me like a parent waiting past curfew.

He was seated casually on his leather couch with his long legs crossed, his rough hands clasped around a glass of whiskey in his lap. Though his body language appeared cool and relaxed his dark eyes were glaring beneath heavy brows as he pursed his lips. He was angry of course.

“8:57. Three more minutes and I would have sent a fuckin’ search party out for you. Where the fuck have you been?” His voice grew louder as he reprimanded me.  
“I got caught up in the infirmary.” I sighed.  
“What the fuck were you doing in the infirmary? Did you kill Carson?” He accused and I scoffed.  
“No. I mean, it’d be well deserved but unfortunately we need him for prenatal care.” I rolled my eyes.  
“So what, you just felt like playing doctor today?” He asked condescendingly.  
“Not just today…” I said.

Negan watched curiously as I pulled the medical books from my bag as well as a sandwich I’d snagged from the vendors. I sighed tiredly as I took a seat across from him and laid out my studies. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet. 

“I’m taking over the infirmary.” I mumbled through a bite of my sandwich.  
“The fuck you are. I didn’t approve that shit.” He said.  
“That’s because I didn’t ask.” I said boldly and I didn’t bother to look up from the pages of my book until Negan slammed it closed.  
“Look at me when I’m fuckin’ talkin’ to you. You do not make that fuckin’ decision without my consent.” He growled deeply.  
“Like you were going to let me if I’d asked? I’ve already told you. You can’t lock me up in a room for your convenience. Remember what happened last time?” I raised my brow.  
“Goddammit, Lucille! This isn’t just about _you_ anymore!” He pounded his fist so hard it startled me and he took a moment to calm himself before speaking again. “There’s too much shit goin’ in and out of that fuckin’ infirmary and I’m not just talkin’ stomach bugs and colds. I’m talkin’ about the fuckin’ patients themselves. A patient could be fuckin’ anyone. A savior, a prisoner, a random fuckin’ creep… Maybe even an old friend who subsequently is also kind of a fuckin’ creep.” He clearly jabbed at David. “No. No, you’re not going back to the fuckin’ infirmary. Fuck no.” He repeated as shook his head.

In that moment I could see the worry in his eyes again. It had been weighing him down since the day I’d told him. It made him irrational and overbearing but I couldn’t blame him. It did the same to me until I’d found a new sense of confidence. And now, though I never thought I’d see the day, Negan needed a boost in confidence as well.

“You’re right about one thing. This is not about me anymore. This is about you. The baby’s not even here yet and you’re already so scared to lose us that you’re smothering us Negan.” My voice pleaded.  
“I am trying to fuckin’ protect you.” He said firmly.  
“I know you are but you _have_ to learn to let go a little. We both know what it’s like to be a kid who was forced to hide their whole life. We have to do better for our own.” I said as I took his hand.

I could see my words were sinking in when his dark features softened. So I climbed into his lap and smoothed away his furrowed brows before running my fingers through his inky hair. Negan closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of my touch as he wrapped his arms around me to pull me closer.

“I still don’t like the infirmary idea.” He mumbled into my breasts and his hot breath made me shiver. As my nipples hardened I could see a spark of lust in his eyes and soon his hands began to wander down my back.  
“I’ll be fine, Negan. You forget, the only thing in this world more dangerous than you, is the mother of your child.” I spoke softly in his ear.

Goosebumps lifted on the skin of his neck and I wanted so badly to take a bite. I sunk deeper into his lap when he leaned in for a kiss but I teased him and pulled away. Our lips were only a fraction apart as he chased me with his mouth ajar. He was dying for a taste.

“Say ‘yes’ and I’ll give you what you want.” I smirked.  
“I could just fuckin’ take it. I know you fuckin’ want me to.” He said as he gripped the waist of my shorts and yanked me in again. The feeling of his fingers grazing my lower belly made me hot, but still, I resisted him.  
“Say ‘yes’…” I breathed.  
“No.” He flipped me over onto the couch so suddenly I squealed and as he mounted me my heart began to race. “-But you can have three days of the week. The rest of your time is on my watch.” He said and I bit my lip. He looked so sexy on top of me that I couldn’t hold back any longer.  
“We’ll negotiate later.” I said before pulling him into a kiss.

Negan’s hands became eagerly entangled in my hair but he took his time as he savored our kiss for so long my lips began to tingle. Our bodies were pressing and rolling against one another in search of friction but he refrained. I ached as his lips and beard caressed my neck, then my ear where he nibbled before trailing back down my collar bones and chest. I arched my back in anticipation when he finally stripped away my shirt and shorts then kneaded my breasts. He sucked and bit my nipples until I began to moan and writhe beneath him. My knees trembled in excitement as he ran his fingers up my bare legs but just before they reached my dampened panties he pulled away.

“You know what? Fuck you.” He said.

Then without warning he snatched me up onto my feet and drug me to his bed. He kept me standing as he pinned my backside against his bedpost and removed his belt only to tie my hands overhead. As he wrapped my wrists securely, he chastised me.

“You’re a fuckin’ brat you know that? I have spoiled you fuckin’ rotten. To the point where you would stroll your ass in here at any hour you fuckin’ want to and then start talkin’ shit to me like there would be no fuckin’ consequences.” He finished by pulling the belt tight. “I think it’s time to knock you down a peg or two.”

My knees felt weak as he paced before me and took a moment to look me up and down. He took hold of my panties but didn’t bother to remove them. Instead, he ripped one side of the delicate fabric away and left the rest hanging off my opposite hip. Then he reached behind me and squeezed my ass before sliding his hand around and between my thighs. His fingers were slick against the wetness that had run down my inner leg. He chuckled deeply before he pulled away again and I was startled when he spanked me.

“Go ahead. Tell me you’re sorry.” He sighed.  
“I’m sorry.” I complied but he spanked me anyway.  
“What are you sorry for?” He asked.  
“Everything…” I moaned.  
“Everything? Okay, let’s count so we know how many licks it takes to get through to you.” He smirked and he began to pace again while he counted on his fingers. “Let’s see, you went to the infirmary without my permission. You didn’t bother to bring your fuckin’ radio with you, which would have saved me a whole shit load of worrying by the way. You rolled your eyes at me more than fuckin’ once so we’ll go ahead and count that as two. Aaaaand….” He turned on his heel to face me as he pointed. “Oh! You didn’t bring me today’s inventory numbers.” He said.  
“I did, actually. That’s why I was late.” I corrected.  
“Oh, well, you could have told me that if you’d brought your fuckin’ radio with you. I’m gonna go ahead and count it for good measure.” He shrugged. “Okay, that’s five. You ready? Count ‘em.” _Smack!_  
“One!” _Smack!_ “Two!” _Smack!_ “Ah! Three!” _Smack!_ “F-Four…!” _Smack!_ “Fuck! Five… Oh god…” I panted and trembled as the heat of his palm radiated from my tender cheek.  
“Good girl. Now, look at me.” He hooked his thumb on my bottom teeth and peered down at my docile expression. “Just look at that pretty fuckin’ face. I love that fuckin’ face. Mm!” He squirmed in delight. “Wait here a minute. -Well, you’re not goin’ anywhere are you?” He laughed at my bound hands before he strolled out of sight.

I tried craning my neck to see what he was up to, but I couldn’t get a clear glimpse. I heard a bit of rustling as he reached into his desk drawer. Only a moment later I heard his heavy footsteps and he was back in my line of sight. This time he was holding that god damn Polaroid camera. I could feel my face redden with embarrassment.

“Do me a favor and poke that cute ass out a little bit.” He motioned his hand while he orchestrated me like a photographer. Though I was mortified, I obeyed him. “Good girl. Now, look up at me. Show me those big green eyes I love so fuckin’ much.” He said and I shamefully turned to him. “Attagirl!” _Click!_

While my eyes adjusted to the bright flash Negan came forward shaking the picture in his fingers before clutching it between his teeth. He then reached up and untied my hands only to flip me onto the edge of the bed with my ass high. When he set the Polaroid before me it was almost fully developed and I blushed again as I turned away. Negan gripped my chin and forced me to look at it.

“You see that? See that look in your eyes? That’s the same fuckin’ look you gave me the first time I saw you in the infirmary and I’ve been chasin’ that shit ever since.” He took my hands and clutched them firmly them behind my back. “That’s why you’ll always get what you want in the end baby.”

Then, _finally_ , he plunged his cock inside me. It was so hot, and hard, and deep that it took my breath away. My insides quivered and my pussy tightened around him. He groaned as I arched my back and took him deeper. He gripped my hair as he began pumping in and out of me, steadily growing harder and faster. Soon my body’s desperate need for release was began boiling over.

“Please, Negan! Can I come please?” I begged for his permission.  
“Go ahead dirty girl. Come for me.” He huffed into my neck.

Then I plummeted into the most extraordinary release I’d ever felt and I hit the bottom so hard it brought tears to my eyes. I hadn’t even noticed that Negan came too but I could tell by the way hunched and panted above me that he had. He safely rolled off me and very gently pulled me into his arms. My lips were still quivering as he brushed the tears from my cheeks. 

“You’re okay right?” He asked.  
“Mhmm.” I nodded in assurance. “Hormones.” I said succinctly.  
“Good because holy shit that was fuckin’ incredible! You should have seen how fuckin’ far that shit went!? I was just gonna paint your ass but…” He laughed proudly as he referred to the thick string of cum that ran up my back.  
“Yeah, I can feel that.” I grimaced as I sat up to take a shower but as I turned my back to him he laughed again.  
“Ha _ha_! Look at that shit!” He praised his work as he joined me.  
“You’re such an idiot.” I rolled my eyes.

***

The following morning I woke up early, before the sunrise and even before Negan. I was so excited to start again on the infirmary that I immediately got out of bed and readied myself for the day. I did my best to be quiet as I tiptoed around Negan’s room in search of my clothes and a new pair of underwear. When I was done I started a pot of coffee and allowed the rich scent to gently wake him. 

While he slowly stirred from his slumber I sat on the edge of the bed and admired his sleeping face. I couldn’t resist running my fingers through his hair. His thick, dark lashes fluttered before he opened his eyes to reveal the rich color of his irises. In the morning light, they looked more hazel than copper. The sight of them made my heart skip.

“Good morning.” I said sweetly. He said nothing as he yanked me back into bed and threw a heavy arm over me.  
“No. It’s time to get up.” I refused as I pulled away. Negan growled like a bear as he stubbornly buried his face back into his pillow. “Come on you big baby. I’m leaving soon.” I shoved him.  
“Why so fuckin’ early?” His deep voice was muffled. I was about to answer when he lifted a finger to stop me and I glared at the gesture.  
“That was meant to be a rhetorical question. Give me minute to wake up before you start.” He sighed and I impatiently waited.

Negan tiredly shuffled to the bathroom to relieve himself, brush his teeth, and rinse his face. He certainly didn’t mind making me wait. Still, it was worth it when he came out looking refreshed and sexy wearing only a pair of sweatpants.

“Okay, let’s try this again. Where you goin’?” He asked as he pulled me into his arms. Of course, I melted and I nearly changed my mind but there was so much work to be done.  
“I need to finish rearranging the infirmary now so I can focus on my studies and still have time to fetch your inventory by the end of the day.” I explained.  
“Shall I walk you to school then?” He smirked.  
“No thanks. I’m only into degradation in the bedroom.” I rolled my eyes.  
“Keep rollin’ those pretty fuckin’ eyes at me and I _will_ degrade you.” He threatened as he kissed me.  
“Oh yeah? How?” I bit my lip as I grinned. He hummed and pondered as he kissed me again.  
“Maybe I’ll shoot a load in your panties this time. Let you walk around in it all day.” He whispered deeply. 

He was so raunchy but that didn’t stop me from purposefully rolling my eyes again. Negan laughed huskily as his hands ran down my waist and gripped my hips. His fingers were already working their way into my waistband and as always he was hard to resist.

“Seriously, I have to go.” I pecked him one last time before forcing myself away. I turned to the door but I felt an intense urge to turn back again. So I did and I leaped up into his arms to kiss him deeply one last time. “I love you.” I said before making my way out again.  
“Love you too kid.” He said and I could feel his eyes on me as he watched me go.

***

By the time dinner came around again the infirmary was back to normal, I’d started a new book from Dr. Bran’s collection, and inventory was up to date. I was excited to see Negan again knowing he would be the perfect end to a perfect day. I was grinning from ear to ear as I locked up infirmary but as I made my way eagerly down the hall I was stopped by a faint rumbling followed by rapid banging. I froze and listened as it grew louder and heavier. The radio I’d strapped to my hip was soon flooded with the sound of Saviors shouting. That’s when I finally realized, the Sanctuary was under attack.


	30. When The Man Comes Around

The sound of ceaseless gunfire hadn’t made it past the Sanctuary gates, but the screaming and shouting that followed roared through the halls. It filled every floor and corner with impending doom. Fear. Dread. Under the protection of Negan we’d almost forgotten what that felt like but it was clear that we weren’t safe anymore. Our enemies had found us and now they were seeking revenge. Instinct drove me to begin sprinting though I wasn’t sure where I was headed. I hadn’t had time to concoct a plan. All I knew was that I had to find Negan. I had to. 

When I reached the foyer I found it in complete hysterics. The community rushed like a frenzied mob as they pushed and shoved their way to safety. Yet I remained still amongst the chaos while my eyes frantically moved over the crowd in search of him. My blood was pounding in my ears and my stomach was riddled with knots. I could feel the terror curdling up in my chest, ready to burst. I wanted to scream out for him but I was sure my voice would be lost in the uproar. 

As I turned to retreat I was suddenly swallowed by the current of moving bodies. The force of them wretched me forward and I protectively clutched my belly. A wave of panic came over me. The baby wasn’t safe here. I tried clawing my way back to safety but they were too strong. I’d have been trampled if it hadn’t been for the firm grip that pulled me back to safety.

“Joey!” I gasped in relief.  
“We have to get you upstairs! Let’s go!” He shouted gruffly before pulling me along.

His plump and sturdy frame worked to our advantage as he shoved and bumped his way harshly through the crowd. He kept a tight hold on my wrist while I stumbled behind on short legs. I glanced one last time over my shoulder still hopelessly searching for Negan but I found nothing in a sea of faces. In fact, I hardly recognized a single one. All order and control, all sense of humanity seemed lost in their panicked expressions as they fled the fight. I couldn’t help thinking I didn’t belong here amongst them. I was a fighter and there was a time when I would have bravely put my life on the line just to stand by Negan’s side. -But his side was no place for a baby.

***

Joey and I were flushed and out of breath by the time we finally reached the safety of Negan’s room but it felt too safe. It was unusually quiet aside from the distant popping and bursting of gunfire. I glared out the windows through the darkness but we were on the opposite side of any immediate danger. The Saviors seemed to be holding the enemy down well for now but where was Negan? My hands frantically searched my hips for my radio but I’d lost it somewhere along the way.

“This is Joey. Negan, Sir, I’ve got Little Bird safe and secured.” Joey reported on his own radio.  
_“Guard the fuckin’ door and don’t fuckin’ move until I tell you.”_ The sound of his voice made my heart skip and I quickly snatched the radio from Joey’s hand.  
“Negan it’s me. Please, tell me you’re okay.” I pleaded helplessly. I didn’t care who was listening.  
_“Are you kiddin’? I’m fuckin’ great.”_ He answered.

To the untrained ear, Negan may have sounded calm and confident but I could sense the worry in his tone. I was just parting my lips to speak when a strange and intense feeling of dread came over me. I didn’t know how to explain it but I just knew something bad was going to happen. Perhaps it was a mother’s intuition but as I turned my head to glance out the window again I saw headlights. The enemy was closing in.

“It’s an ambush!” I shouted into the radio. “The entry attack is just a decoy! They’re coming up the south-“

Suddenly the night sky lit up in three fiery bursts that roared like thunderclaps. The enemy was taking down the remaining towers and quickly approaching the gates. There was only one community that had the resources for those kinds of explosives.

_“Well I’ll be damned, it’s the fuckin’ Miners! Looks like playtime is fuckin’ over! Where’s my man, Simon?”_  
_“Busting out the big guns now, boss.”_  
_“Good. Let’s smear these mother fuckers. Saddle the fuck up Saviors.”_

That was the last I heard of Negan before radio chatter came flooding in. Amongst the Saviors gathering and dispersing around the perimeters there were also reports of injuries and fatalities. I decided if I couldn’t be any help to Negan in battle then I could at least be of use in the infirmary. I was heading for the door when it creaked open before me and a familiar face entered the room.

“David…” I froze.

The sight of him paralyzed me. He didn’t look like the David I remembered. The time he’d spent imprisoned and pressed under Negan's thumb had changed and mutilated him. His skin was pallid beneath his golden hair and graying beard that were both wild and unkept. His eyes were sunken deeply into his sharp, hallowed cheekbones and the glare that I’d once likened to Clint Eastwood was now unsettling.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Joey?” I asked nervously.  
“Negan called for him.” He lied.  
“H-He’s gone?” I trembled.  
“Sure. Joey has no reason not to trust me.” He took a step toward me and I backed away. “Do you?” He asked.

David’s natural scowl lifted for the first time since even before our rendezvous as his lips parted into a grin. -But there was something so foreign about the look on his face. It took me a second to recognize it, but I realized it was menace. In that moment he looked every bit like Negan, but it didn’t suit him. He didn’t wear it with the same spark of charming mischief that Negan did. His cold blue eyes were too empty.

“You look scared.” He peered into me.

I gasped when he snatched Joey’s radio from my grip and lifted his gun to my chest. My heart dropped as if it were ducking for safety and panic began coursing through my veins again. I wanted to run but the second my feet shifted David cocked the slide of his pistol. The sound of metal clicking into place stopped me.

“Please, David… Don’t do this.” I begged.  
“Oh, come on Lucy, you’re so fucking pathetic. It’s already done. Don’t you hear that?” He paused and motioned to the sound of combat outside. “I mean, the numbers are in his favor. The Miners are gonna lose but they’ll do a decent amount of damage before they’re done. I just needed them for the distraction anyway.” He shrugged and suddenly the pieces came together.  
“You did this…” I breathed.  
“No. Negan did this to himself. I just told the Miners where to find him.” He corrected.  
“Our people are out there dying right now because of _you!_ ” I shouted and David came stalking toward me. 

I unsheathed my knife but he easily disarmed me with a move I should have expected. He’d once taught me how to do it. He gripped my arm and twisted it behind my back until the pain was so unbearable I dropped the knife. He then shoved me harshly into the floor. I clutched my low belly as I curled into a ball in an attempt to protect the baby and I wept as I prepared myself for a beating. Instead, I felt a tight grip on my hair as David drug me across the floor. I cried out and began kicking and writhing, trying desperately to pull myself free but he restrained me. He pressed his knee between my shoulder blades and pinned me down before cuffing my hands behind my back. When he was done he wrapped an arm around my neck and lifted me off the floor. Then he shoved me down painfully to my knees.

All I could do was sob. With my hands bound it felt like the baby was exposed. It was more vulnerable and susceptible than ever. I couldn’t protect it. I couldn’t protect myself. We were going to die. The thought made me hysteric and I began hyperventilating. David crouched down beside me and spoke to me in an eerily soft voice.

“Shhh, sh, sh, sh… Calm down… Negan will be here soon and it’ll all be over okay?” He said as he pet my tangled hair. “How about a story to help slow you down? Would you like that?” He asked as he stroked my cheek.

I said nothing as I recoiled from his touch but he was right. Negan would be coming and this would all end soon. We would be safe again. All I had to do was comply until then. Surely everything would be okay, right? 

“Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. You become one of Negan’s prisoners. He locks you in a closet. There’s no light, no bed, no blankets. Just a cold, hard cement floor and a bucket. He feeds you dog food. He schedules weekly beatings so that you know when it’s coming and you can look forward to it. He plays the same song over, and over, and over again until it drives you fucking insane. Even when you manage to fall asleep you can still hear it in your dreams. -You know what? I bet you he’s got it in here somewhere. You wanna hear it?” He asked and ambled over to Negan’s record collection.

I watched in disgust as David’s long, bony fingers touched and fondled Negan’s belongings as if he had any right. -But then, hadn’t he always? Hadn’t he done the same to me and hadn’t I allowed it then? In the end, was this all my fault?

“Ah! Here it is!” David’s voice jolted me from my thoughts.

He placed the record on the turntable, carefully and specifically setting the needle down. As he turned up the volume I heard a crackling before the deep quivering voice of Johnny Cash followed. I immediately recognized the song that started with a quote from the Book of Revelation and I began to shake. David closed his eyes and furrowed his brows painfully as he spoke the words he knew not just by heart but with every fiber of his being. It seemed he wasn’t just torturing me. He was torturing himself.

_“And I heard as it were the noise of thunder_  
_One of the four beasts saying come and see and I saw_  
_And behold a white horse”_

As the short strumming of the guitar started, David sighed and carried on.

“I thought about you all the time, Lucy. I thought that you really did escape like you said you wanted to but you didn’t. You just crawled right back to his side, you took his name and then you put a fucking gun to my chest.” He opened his eyes and turned to me looking demented.  
“I did it to save you! I did it because I thought if I let you go then Negan would too and he did!” I cried.  
“Oh, and everything would just go back to normal right? You’re so fucking selfish and _stupid_.” He scoffed as he wandered over to the bar. He continued casually as he poured himself a glass of Negan’s finest stash of whiskey. “You should have just left. I mean, do you even realize that everyone in this Sanctuary fucking hates you?” He asked as he sipped his drink but I said nothing. “You know, I’d offer you a drink but I heard you were pregnant. Is that true?” He asked and I became rigid.

This was it. All of the lies and secrets I’d kept from him had led me to this moment. This was my chance to tell David the truth and I figured if I was going to die, I was going to die honestly. So I told him everything.

“I’m at eight weeks… And I’m terrified.” I admitted as my voice trembled. “I don’t have a name picked out yet… I don’t know if it’s a boy or girl… I don’t… I don’t even know who the father is…” I said staring down at my belly as tears gathered and rolled off my lashes while the truth continued to pour from my lips. “I want it to be his… And I know he’s a little rough around the edges… He’s crude and mean and scary but… He would be a wonderful father…” I said.

As I spoke I saw a spark of the David I used to know. His eyes softened as he began to pace back and forth looking conflicted and confused. He cringed and gripped his head as clarity fought against his deranged mind but he forced it away again. When I spoke of Negan he lifted his gun and pressed it to my forehead. I clenched my eyes shut and held my breath and waited for him to pull the trigger but he didn't.

“Are you- Are you saying it could be mine?” He asked hesitantly.  
“No. It’s fuckin’ mine.” 

His deep, rumbling voice brought the air around us to a still. The room got colder and darker like a storm of heavy, dooming clouds were rolling and thundering in at his heels. Negan had finally arrived and hell followed with him.


	31. Negan

_“…Please, tell me you’re okay.”_ Lucille’s voice always made my heart tick a little quicker.  
“Are you kiddin’? I’m fuckin’ great.” I lied a little.

At the time, I didn’t know how those fuckin’ Miners found my Sanctuary but it wasn’t because of them. Their attack was a walk in the fuckin’ park. Hell, my Saviors were havin’ fun playing target practice. I wasn’t worried about them but I sure as shit was worried about her and the baby. I should have been there by their side but I couldn’t turn my back on my empire. Fat Joey was the only fucker I trusted to take care of them. He loved Lucille. Not in a weird way. More like a brother. -But he was dumb as shit.

_“It’s an ambush! The entry attack is just a decoy! They’re coming up the south-“_

My Little Bird tried to warn me but shit hit the fuckin’ fan when the towers exploded. I don’t know how many of my Saviors those sons of bitches killed in the process but it still wasn’t enough to give them an advantage. It was more like an inconvenience. Those god damn towers took months to build. I was fuckin’ pissed. I was madder than hell when that dumb shit Joey showed up and when I saw him my stomach fuckin’ dropped.

“Goddammit what the fuck are you doing here!? Where’s Lucille!?” I shouted.  
“Sh-she’s upstairs! David said you called for me!” He stuttered.  
“You fuckin’ left her alone with _David!?_ ” I grabbed him by the collar and he lifted his arms like I was about to beat the shit out of him. I fuckin’ wanted to but Lucille would have been pissed if I ever laid a hand on him.  
“He told me the Miner’s were breaching the gates!” He said.  
“Shit!!!” I growled and released him. “Find Simon! Tell him I said to take the lead! Move your fat ass Joey!!” I shoved him away and sprinted in the other direction.

My body couldn't move as fast as my fuckin’ head was. I imagined the fuckin’ worst. David was capable of anything, I could see it in his dead eyes. Ever since he got himself locked up he was never quite right in the fuckin’ head. I’ll admit I did that to him but he deserved every fuckin’ bit of it and if he was alive now I’d damn well do it again. Maybe he always knew I was gonna kill him. Maybe that’s why he fuckin’ did this. Either way, I just wish I’d killed him sooner. And slower.

***

When I finally got to my room I heard the music. It was that fuckin’ song I looped in David’s cell. Even I was tired of hearing it. I thought about bustin’ in guns blazin’ but it would do more harm than good. So instead I crept up and listened. I tried to get a sense of what the hell was about to happen but nothing could have prepared me for what fuckin’ happened.

“I want it to be his… He would be a wonderful father.” I heard her say.

I had always wondered what she thought about that. If she really thought I had the capacity to raise a child. Fuck, at the time, _I_ didn’t even know if I could do it. -But hearing that she believed in me was enough. I know now that I could have.

“Are you- Are you saying it could be mine?” David’s sleazy fuckin’ voice made me fuckin’ sick. 

That sack of shit might have thought he could take me but if he thought he could take my woman or _my_ fuckin’ child, he was dead fuckin’ wrong. That’s what I told myself when I stepped into that room. -But god damn was I fuckin’ wrong.

“No. It’s fuckin’ mine.” I said.

Lucille. My Little Bird. The first and only love of my fuckin’ life. The sight of her made my chest hurt. He’d cuffed her and roughed her up but she still had the balls to face him, even on her knees with a fuckin’ gun to her head. She was ready to bite that fuckin’ bullet but when she heard me she opened those eyes. Big and wide and green. They were crying. I could almost drown in them.

Meanwhile, the god damn rat looked scared at first. He straightened upright like I’d shoved a stick up his ass. Before he turned to look at me he put that fuckin’ face on. That falsely bold ass look was in his eyes again. I should have gouged them out the first time.

“Oh. There you are.” He yanked her up by the hair and pressed his gun into her jaw. 

The way it made her cry out made my heart race. I could feel my pulse pounding in my fuckin’ ears. I tasted blood. I saw fuckin’ red. -But she closed her eyes and breathed deep, so I breathed with her. If I stayed calm, the room would too.

“How are the Miners doing out there? You know, they weren’t actually up for the fight until I told them I knew the big man’s weakness…”

He carried on with some stupid fuckin’ speech he’d prepared but I ignored it. I didn’t give a fuck what he was talkin’ about. It didn’t fuckin’ matter. He was gonna die anyway. I just kept my focus on Lucille.

“Hey darlin’ how you doin’?” I asked, interrupting David’s weak ass monologue. “You alright? Are you hurt?” I asked her.  
“Hahaha! So you’re just gonna pretend like I’m _not_ standing here pointing a gun to her fucking face?” David laughed.  
“ _You_ just shut the fuck up. You may be a psychotic fuckin’ creep but we both know you’re not gonna shoot her or you’d have done it by now.” I said.  
“Or maybe I just wanted to wait so you could watch it happen.” He threatened.  
“Maybe.” I tested him by taking a step forward and he fidgeted as he gripped Lucille even tighter. “ _Or_ maybe despite all the horrible shit that’s happened to you, you _still_ fuckin’ love her. Is that it?” I asked.  
“Does it look like I give a shit about her?” He gritted his teeth but I could tell by the way his steely eyes shifted that I was right.  
“Honestly? Kinda.” I shrugged. “I mean you took down a whole fuckin’ community just to get her alone.” I said.  
“To get _you_ alone you idiot! And now that you can’t hide behind the Saviors there’s no one here to do your dirty work for you. No one else has to answer for what you’ve done but you. We’re going to settle this man to man.” He said.  
“Man to man? No… You see, I may have done some low down, dirty, _fucked_ up shit in my time, but using a pregnant woman as a shield? Well, that just takes the fuckin’ cake.” I said.  
“I’ll do whatever it fucking takes. Whatever it takes to kill you. Then I’m going to take your Sanctuary too.” Then he ran his filthy fuckin’ hand down her body and came to rest on her belly. The way he touched her made me fuckin’ sick. “It’s a shame it had to come to this, I know, but maybe one day you’ll forgive me, Lucy. Then we can start all over. You, me, and our baby.” He breathed into her neck and topped it off with a kiss.

Somewhere in his weird, fucked up head he thought he still had a chance. Lucille turned pale and she tried to wiggle away from him but he wouldn’t let her go. I didn’t think I could get any madder but I did. I was fuckin’ seething. I wanted to tear that mother fucker limb from fuckin’ limb. I just needed him to make the first move.

“We have a lot in common, David. I think we’d both do just about anything to get what we want. I guess that’s why we’re here now. -But what makes us different is I’m not fuckin’ scared of you. So why don’t you quit hidin’ behind my fuckin’ woman and move that barrel on over to me?” I taunted him away from her and sure enough, the dumb shit shifted his aim. “Thaaat’s right… Man the fuck up and try to fuckin’ take her from me you pussy.” I said.

That was all it took to set him off. I saw his arm flex before I took cover behind the doorframe. When he pulled the trigger I felt the wind of that god damn bullet whip past my face. It was fuckin’ close. I peeked back around and the son of a bitch was ready to fire again but I caught a glimpse of Lucille. Her eyes were wild. Almost fluorescent. I knew that look. She was about to take a fuckin’ leap so I got ready to jump with her.

“Negan, now!” She shouted.

I pivoted and whipped back around the doorway just in time to see her heel that mother fucker in the balls so hard it fuckin’ dropped him. I took the opportunity to shoot but he rolled away. He tried to get a few shots in himself but his aim off. I ducked and weaved out of the way of three bullets before I was able to reach him and knock the gun out of his hand. 

The asshole was quick though. I’d made him a Savior for that reason. He disarmed me and got a solid punch in that clipped my jaw. I brought my fist down even harder, over and over until I felt his nose crunch and slide under my knuckles. Then I wrung the fuck out of his neck until his face started to turn purple. I was so fuckin’ angry, so fuckin’ excited to watch him die that I was shaking. I wasn’t expecting him to break my grip, but he managed to pry me off of him. The fucker head butted me so hard it fuckin’ blinded me. He wrangled his way on top of me and started pummeling me down so hard my head bounced off the floor. I was losing consciousness. Somehow, despite every bit of rage in my fuckin’ blood, I was losing that fuckin’ fight until Lucille saved me.

“No!!!!” I heard her shriek.

I don’t know how the hell she did it. I guess she always was a limber little thing. -But she managed to lace her legs through her arms and get her hands out in front of her. Her wrists were still cuffed but she grabbed ahold of my bat and swung it down on David’s head hard enough to knock him over. I heard a wet and sloppy crack when she swung down again. As mean as she was I thought she’d keep going but she stopped and scrambled over to me instead. She was light as a feather when she climbed on top of me and took my head in her shaking hands.

“Negan! Look at me!” I did and she was fuckin’ beautiful.  
“Hey kid…” I rasped.  
“Oh god… You’re okay…“ She cried in relief and she ran her fingers through my hair the way she always did. I loved that.  
“Are you kiddin’? I’m fuckin’ great.” I definitely fuckin’ lied that time.

-But then I saw David move behind her. I thought he was a fuckin’ walker at first, the way he jerked and hobbled up onto his knees. Blood was pouring over his face from a crater on the top of his skull. He should have been fuckin’ dead but the mother fucker wasn’t finished. He was shaking and twitching all over as he lifted his gun. His arm waved out of control while he tried to aim. I snatched my pistol up and fired the final bullet to put him down for fuckin’ good but he fired with me.

I heard the heavy thud of impact but I felt nothing. When I looked down at Lucille her eyes were big and her mouth was wide. She looked horrified. A single tear trembled on her thick, dark lashes. As it dripped off she let out a high pitched whimper that got caught in her throat. She gripped our baby still trapped in her belly and their blood poured over me.

“Ne..Negan…” She croaked and fell limp on top of me.  
“Lucille!!? Lucille!!!” I shook her but she didn’t move. “No, no, no, no, nooo… baby nooo….” I groaned into her hair and held her tight. I cried for the first time since before I could remember and screamed out at god and everyone. I cursed them fuckin’ all.

***

It was Simon that found us bloodied and beat to shit. He and a handful of Saviors helped haul us out and over to the infirmary. Last thing I remember before my lights went out was Simon carrying Lucille out himself. I think he respected her more than he led anyone to believe.

Lucille was still alive but she never woke up. They put us in the same observation room. I had my own bed but I squeezed in next to her. I didn’t sleep much. I just held her. As time went on I got better and I’d gotten used to comin’ around and spendin’ my time with her. I even brought her turntable and played music for her. I talked to her and hoped she could hear me but the truth is I was in denial. Who the fuck was I kiddin’ to think we would ever have a happy ending. That all became clear when Carson came to deliver the news.

“She’s suffered a massive trauma to her spine. If she pulls through, it is likely that she will never walk again.” He said.  
“How fuckin’ likely?” I asked.  
“W-Well, I don’t want to give you false hope-“  
“Is she gonna fuckin walk or not!?” I didn’t want to hear his sugar coated bull shit.  
“She won’t, sir.” He finally said. That’s when I finally fuckin’ accepted that it was over.  
“Get the fuck out. Nobody comes back in until I fuckin’ leave.” I said.

After Carson left I just sat and admired her. I touched her dark tangled hair and brushed it away from her lightly freckled face. Her skin was fuckin’ flawless. Soft as silk. I ran my thumb over her plump lips that were parted just enough for me to catch a glimpse of her teeth. Her tongue. I never could resist them so I kissed her and prayed for some fuckin’ miracle. Like maybe I’d pull away and get to drown in those eyes just one last fuckin’ time. I never did of course.

“Hey kid…” I sighed. “How about a little music?” I asked.

I chose Willie Nelson’s ‘Angel Flying Too Close To The Ground’. That sad song always reminded me of her for some reason. Maybe because a deep part of me always knew it would turn out this way. Then just like always I sat and talked to her. Only this time I told her the truth. The whole truth. I just hope she heard me.

“You remember that time I caught you snoopin’ through my shit and I uh… Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I guess I didn’t want you to spoil the surprise but I…” 

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a ring. It had the biggest fuckin’ rock I could find. I kinda always knew she would fuckin’ hate that. 

“I got this for you a long fuckin’ time ago. Right after I asked you to marry me the first time. I guess I thought maybe you’d say yes if I was a little more romantic about it or some shit. I don’t know… but I never grew the balls to ask you again until you told me about…” 

I had to stop and swallow the lump in my throat. My hand was shaking when I rested it on her belly. She wasn’t the only one I lost that night. It took me a minute to get my shit together before I could speak again.

“Oh god, I’m so fuckin’ sorry… This shit is all my fuckin’ fault, Lucille. All of it… I lived alone my whole fuckin life until you came around. You’re the best fuckin’ thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it up… I fucked it up because I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to live with anyone else but myself… -But… God damn I _need_ you in my fuckin’ life.” 

I finally broke into a sob and I pulled her tight in my arms. I breathed in the smell of her and cried into her hair. She was so warm, but she was lifeless. When I finally pulled away again I studied her face like I might forget the details but it had already been burned in my mind since the day I met her. I would never forget her even if I selfishly wanted to.

“Lucille, I love you so fuckin’ much. Please don’t fuckin’ leave me. Stay with me.” 

I slipped the ring on her finger. I kissed her lips for the last time. I held my breath and closed my eyes before I plunged my knife into her temple. Then I held her until her body went cold.

***

_Lucille…_

_I can still feel you. When I hold this bat in my hands I swear I can feel your skin again. When I bring the hard weight of it down on some fucker’s skull I can feel you drink the fuckin’ life out of them. It feels like we’re fucking. Sometimes I can hear you whisper to me and when I think of kickin’ shit or giving up, I think I can hear you crying. You know I fuckin’ hate it when you cry. So I keep fighting, keep living, keep breathing but I’m fuckin’ dead inside. You took the last shit I had to give. Nothing is fuckin’ safe. Nothing is fuckin’ sacred. Nothing is all there is without you here. I guess this is the price we had to pay because the world is fuckin’ ours now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through this story. It killed me to have to end it. (Especially like this!!!) Thank you for all of the love and support and feedback you've given. I wish I could tell you how much it means to me. You've given me the confidence to keep writing and trusting in myself. So because of YOU, I'm going back to school! THANK YOU!!!! <3


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